She sits there
fifteen feet from me
alone.
tears are frozen in her eyes
have been for a few days.
I know how she gets,
I used to wipe away those tears.
But now I just sit here and pretend not to notice
because she told me to.
And that's what hurts-
not that she told me to-
but that I can't disobey
and go sit there.

I sit here
drinking six bag Bengal Spice tea
listening to Pandora
while my brother eats his breakfast behind me.
The song changes and I recognize it,
a little too well;
One Saturday at the Sequim food bank,
the only week he ever had me man the meat freezer
and not the bread room or dairy room.
I had to sneeze
So I took the back hallway
to stand among the shelves of toilet paper and soap.
She was taking a load out front-
soap and cans from the canning room.
She was singing this song
didn't see me standing on the other side of that shelf.
She had been the reason I started volunteering here,
or half the reason;
I wanted to volunteer and do something fulfilling
but I also wanted to learn her name.

This is one of the only times in my life
where I acted on impulse-
I started singing too,
my deep bass and her soprano creating a melody
that makes me want to skip this song
because it isn't the same.
But I listen to remember her reaction-
instead of walking away, stopping or sighing-
she kept singing, laughing just a little bit
letting me hear the smile on her lips.

She finished grabbing what she needed
and walked away, still laughing
still smiling as she walked into the hallway
(which was the only lit place back here)
and kept singing, even as she sat back at the front desk.
I returned to my position a minute later-
15 feet from her.

In ten weeks of volunteering there
that was the most we ever spoke to each other
and I wouldn't wish it any other way.

The rain would usually bother me
but today I'm tired
and sickness and intoxication are both wearing off
so each little droplet does nothing to phase me
from my half awake daydreaming state
staring into others faces,
just aware enough to turn when they turn.
Most days I would study each line-
the smiles, the wrinkles, the way their hair parts
just trying to understand each of them.
Today I'm looking just to look at something moving
so I don't look at the concrete
and fall asleep, bored.

The three other classes on this end of campus
are each let out early
and file through this bottleneck
quietly enough that I only notice the last few as they walk by.
She looks up from the ground and sees me.
Saying nothing, she smiles in a way that makes me wonder if she's looking past me,
I look, there's nothing there.
I smile back for a second, as well as I can.

Later I catch her smile again from a crowd in the hall.

I stop for a second,
not physically, I keep waking.
but, I keep my eyes there, smiling.
she's already looked away, so I don't worry.
It comes harder to me today- studying a face,
and her's is one I've never been able to figure out,
so I give up and keep walking.

Am I a friend to her,
or something more?
Am I what I wanted to be
years ago-
A thought in her head before she falls asleep?

Or am I just broken because I think this hard about a simple smile?

I've been out of it lately
been thinking less
sleeping more.
goin to bed at 8pm
waking up at 1pm.
I know it ain't the fact that I'm sick
it's all the cough syrup I've been drinking.
never been high on anything
but the world seems... softer, now.
I'm halfway though that huge bottle,
don't know if I'm gonna miss it when it's gone.
I've told myself that I'm not gonna buy more,
but I'm not so sure

We're standing in the cold, rainy silence
when he opens and closes the door without a sound
and stands on the foot brush behind me
leaning against the garbage can
that always seems to have a backpack behind it.
Without a smile or a hint that he's going to speak
he says,"sup" in a fading, worried tone
speaking to me but looking away.
she takes three steps and wraps her arms around him
smiling at me over his shoulder as if to say- something,
I'm not sure what.
but I smile back, and take a few steps backward
in an attempt to be there, but only on the fringe.
A small circle forms around them,
nobody speaking for a few minutes
and then everybody splits into their own conversations
except me
and as soon as the bell rings, we all walk off
they find each other again and walk together
and I smile for her.
She was like my sister once, for just a second

1.
outside;
the sky is dark blue
fading into black shadow
behind the Sequim Safeway.
raindrops are illuminated
momentarily in the half-light
lingering below the light pole
that rises above the window-line

2.
Some dance mix
of a Kenny G. song
echoes through the building
landing even here,
in this room inside a room.
the abandoned cup
of mountain dew
shakes suddenly and spills
on the Clallam county classified page
on top of the toilet paper holder.

3.
Ten steps
covers the empty monster can
held in dry hands
in a fine layer of dew.
headlights reveal
an ever-present purple tint
to the cloudless sky,
covered only slightly
by the exhaust
which dissipates quickly
in the warmer than usual
humid air.

4.
Twenty nine miles-
the lights of the city soon disappear
and only the houses with porch lights
even seek to confirm their existence.
fog covers the asphalt
halfway back,
the world twists at every turn,
bad eyes and old age to blame.

5.
Fifteen minutes later;
rain covered doors slam
and soon after, so does another door.
but the rain is not forgotten-
it lingers in dry pathways on the skin,
tasting less organic,
but comforting just as much

I'm a real woman.
I'm a mother to a beautiful little girl
I'm not a 21 yr old who will put on a mini skirt
and for u I'll twirl.
I'm a teacher.
I'm an educator.
Not like ur next girl
Cuz trust me
You will end up hatin her.
I'm a cook, a giver and a provider
Not like ur Next ex
who will be in the clubs dancin to Flo Rida.
I like to eat , hence my curves.
Cuz I'm real.
Not like her
stick figure and eats once a day
yet still looks like a wet seal.
Cuz I'm a real woman
I'll get old..and believe me, it will be gracefully.
I'll be sure to choose wisely next time
maybe less hastily.
Yes, I'm a real woman
I will get old over the next 10 yrs.
But the man who I'm with
will be thanking god for me in his prayers.
Im low maintence and not materialistic
I know how to love unconditionally
I'm realistic!
Because that's what real woman do.
Think of that in the future
When ur young girls trying on her new shoes.
Id rather cook you dinner and wait at home for you.
I'll  light a candle with D Ruck playing in the background too.
Yes, your laundry will be done
and lunch packed for the next day.
Think of that
while youre in the back of my mind
Where you'll stay
Yes, for I'm a real woman
One who will get old
May get fat
May get wrinkles
Maybe even some gray hair.
But He who loves me
Will love me unconditionally
Body & soul
For who I am, My looks?
He will not care.
You love with your heart
not with your eyes...
When you are old enough-
You too may be wise!

2 PM:
I'm brushing my teeth
been awake two hours
cause I had no reason to wake up earlier.
Thinking it would be nice
if someone texted me
wanting to hang out.
thinking it  would be great
if she texted me
for any reason at all.
but nobody will
cause nobody cares
and I sleep for 14 hours a night on the weekends
knowing i'll go nowhere when awake.

My phone vibrates
and I tell myself
"it ain't her, that's for sure"
but  it is
with a simple
"hey :)"
i respond
she answers me with
"I was thinking about you today"
And for a second I smiled wider than I had in months
But she had only tried a tea I'd recommended.
I tried to keep talking
but she was waiting for a lunch date
and instead of saying what I was thinking
(that i'd never been on a real date,
never eaten with anyone other than family
and family friends.
never sat anywhere waiting for anyone
because nobody ever shows up for me
and I'm not allowed to go anywhere anyway)
I said
"I hope you have a good time"

No response


10 PM:
I watch her get on facebook
and wait 15 minutes before messaging her
"hey, how're you"
she take eight minutes
to say she's too good to be true.
I say
"that's great :D what's goin on?"
her response is simple
"I don't know how to explain"

I leave her alone
and we don't talk
but I sit there and stare at the ceiling
crying without realizing
wishing I had been a part of her being that great
wishing I had been a part of anyone being that great
But I hadn't and I haven't ever.

But what am I to her
when she texts me  
(something only my ex has ever done)
and then someone changes her day
someone who isn't me
and then she won't talk to me

The answer is one I can't wrap my mind around
one I don't want to accept
and maybe that's why I'm crying:
I'm just a friend to her
and I want to be more
but I never will be.

I'm just a friend
and that's how she can go from thinking about me and texting me
to not talking to me
in eight hours

I could trace the trail of heartbeats from where
yesterday began and be right back where I am,
but something's different
               (this is new and beautiful)

We stamp letters with the tiny feet, cook
chicken parmigiana meat, our timeline
means a lot because you're in it

(Here and now I'm feeling like I'm living deep
inside the house we picked)

I can almost taste it
     and I'm homesick.

Somehow my schedule comes up as a discussion
as the four of us sit around filling out thank you cards
"I don't understand why he did that, filled up that spot
where he could sit in a room with his closest friends"
says the boy in the corner of the room
where the slight bit of sunlight in the room doesn't reach.
She's stays silent next to me
but across the room, where the sunlight dies on his shoulder
I can see his lips forming the same thing i've heard a million times
"Why did you do that, Brandon?
why you did you fill up the time sitting there with your closest friends".
I don't even let him speak
"Those aren't my friends"
I say adamantly
"Other than you three, that room is completely acquaintances or enemies.
I sit there in the corner, shaking in my chair
as my ex and her friends glare at me.
And you're telling me that's a better spent half hour than doing what i love?"
they hear little of that and respond quickly, with
"Never saw you two go out, you never did".
I'm shaking now, *******, what business is this to them?
she talks quickly next to me
"I remember that, they did"
nobody questions her directly, but I'm not done-
"No, we never went on a date
she kissed me on the last day of school and it went from there
But it felt fake.
even when she said she loved me more than chocolate.
It kept feeling like a game, like she was playing with me.
And then she just disappeared
for a month, a full month, she was gone.
and then she broke up with me
and as soon as school started she began to erase me.
So, no we never actually went out
I don't even know if we were ever really a couple,
But those eight kisses I managed to find in that month
were the closest physical contact anyone has ever made with me.
so when I see her in a room now, I have to look away
so I don't look at her,
study her face
and find faces I no longer know glaring at my face.
So-
to answer your original question,
I scheduled the poetry club on thursday
because Mr. Pierson has mock trial on friday"