~ Losing Innocence ~
Why do we risk it all for love?
No matter how exquisite,
Passionate, wonderful it is,
We lose;
Always.
Whether we part for differences or in death,
We lose;
Always.
No matter how much we try to hold on,
Change ourselves or our other,
Govern and protect the relationship,
We lose;
Always.

Thus, why do we do it?
We do it for the moments that will reside with us,
Always.
For the craze and lust.
The fury,
The fervor,
The obsession, infatuation, excitement.
For the zeal, enthusiasm, passion.
We do it for us;
To penetrate over into,
Our partner.

Me and You,
We wanted it all.
None of the pain,
Just the good stuff.
Well, we had it.
The good, the lovely.
What a surprise!
But then,
As Always,
We lost.

We lost ourselves,
Our way.
The rhythm and balance
We perfected.
How did we not see it coming?
Stumbling on to a new realm.
One in which we operate alone.
The composition wrecked.
We smashed into that brick wall.
Afraid to leave,
Co-dependent.
I knew you wanted out.
Maybe a break?
You opposed it.
We could not come back from it.
I could feel the coming loss.
But not in the way I expected.

A trip!
To get us back.
The excitement could mend us.
It did for 72 hours.
Then the ultimate force of depature
Came upon.
In a small elegant English hotel,
You died in my arms
On a Saturday morning in London.
Thirty five hundred miles away from home.

The initial shock blasted my mind and body.
The detonation of torment pierced my soul.
Unadulterated suffering terrorised.
I lost my equilibrium and steadiness.
Embarking in an unknown world,
Where the dwellers seethe with agony.
A spot was saved for me there,
Where fumes suffocate.
A Hell on Earth
Where Innocence is Lost.

I've never worn a peacoat in July,
until today. Today will be the first time
I've ever gotten goosebumps from
open subway windows on a
lightning blue underground.

I'll need a hat too,
anxiety and age has
removed what was left
of my skull cap and if
I don't tend to my head
I'll catch a chill.

Stale summer smell
still lingers in the kitchen air.
From the balcony I see many men,
men walking alongside my
building below in shorts
and tank tops,
pretending they can still feel
fingertip rays from the sun.

But they know it's gone.
For today, maybe the week,
the heat has gone off in search
of a more deserving city
for the time being.

Pretending won't make these men
feel it, but hope keeps
their leg hair raised on point,
similar to the hackles of the runt of the litter
when he snarls for the last piece
of meat in a *****, metal bowl.

Oh him?
                                                           Oh you?
What can I say about him?                                  
                                                           What can I say about you?
He's nothing to me really.
                                                           You're my everything really.
It was just a crush.
                                                           What I feel for you, I've never felt.
It was over before it started.
                                                            I hope this is just getting started.
No, I left him.
                                                            Please never leave me.
Of course we don't talk anymore.
                                                            Talking to you is my favorite part of the day.
He was ugly.
                                                            You're so gorgeous.
He was mean.
                                                            You're so sweet.
He was conceited.
                                                            No please believe me, you're wonderful.
And most importantly,
                                                            And most importantly,
I never loved him.
                                                            I love you.

when you were a child,
they told you you were special:
you picked flowers instead of playing with dolls,
you colored in the lines when everyone else finger-painted,
you were shy and it was sweet

when you were with others,
you felt un-special:
you were afraid,
you never wanted them to dislike you,
you held your tongue even when you had no words

when you were alone,
you wondered what was so special:
you didn't relate to them,
you weren't understood,
you were a misfit in a place with no norm

when you were sad,
they told you you were un-special:
you were having a hard time adjusting,
you were new in an unfamiliar place,
you would be okay

when you were afraid,
they told you you were un-special:
you didn't try to be strong,
you had a bad outlook,
you were in control

when you were with friends,
you felt so special:
you told them your name,
you laughed,
you let them see the person that has a hard time sleeping at night

when you were in love,
you felt so special:
you were embraced,
you cradled their heart,
you were loved for everything you tried to hide

when they left,
you felt so un-special:
you blamed yourself,
you thought you were worthless,
you slept away your life

when you cried in front of them,
they told you you were special:
because nothing else could explain why you cried so much

He loved her and she loved him
His kisses ****** out her whole past and future or tried to
He had no other appetite
She bit him she gnawed him she ******
She wanted him complete inside her
Safe and Sure forever and ever
Their little cries fluttered  into the curtains

Her eyes wanted nothing to get away
Her looks nailed down his hands his wrists his elbows
He gripped her hard so that life
Should not drag her from that moment
He wanted all future to cease
He wanted to topple with his arms round her
Or everlasting or whatever there was
Her embrace was an immense press
To print him into her bones
His smiles were the garrets of a fairy place
Where the real world would never come
Her smiles were spider bites
So he would lie still till she felt hungry
His word were occupying armies
Her laughs were an assasin's attempts
His looks were bullets daggers of revenge
Her glances were ghosts in the corner with horrible secrets
His whispers were whips and jackboots
Her kisses were lawyers steadily writing
His caresses were the last hooks of a castaway
Her love-tricks were the grinding of locks
And their deep cries crawled over the floors
Like an animal dragging a great trap
His promises were the surgeon's gag
Her promises took the top off his skull
She would get a brooch made of it
His vows  pulled out all her sinews
He showed her how to make a love-knot
At the back of her secret drawer
Their screams stuck in the wall
Their heads fell apart into sleep like the two halves
Of a lopped melon, but love is hard to stop

In their entwined  sleep they exchanged arms and legs
In their dreams their brains took each other hostage

In the morning they wore each other's face

I breathe deep but I still want more
my lungs never seem to fill around you
that hazy air that clouds my stare
never seems to fade these days
I can barely see where you end and I begin
I like it this way I think
the air burns my eyes
I know that this habit will be your demise
the air kills me slowly
and you even faster
breathe it in slow and deep
imagine your grave and me while I weep

Self perceived for passion
reflecting the intentions

Don't you know you numbed yourself
keeping everyone at a distance
preying on vulnerable opportunities
leaving moments as blurs
meshing all the memories into one

but not this time
I can tell by the sparkle in your eye
Almost as if something inside of you is alive