“This is not goodbye.”
I bite my tongue and close my eyes
So I don’t scare you, so I don’t cry;
I bow my head and pray.

I bite my tongue and close my eyes
The pain is hot as it rushes inside
I bow my head and pray;
The weight of missing you will pull me under.


The pain is hot as it rushes inside
I do not want the sun to rise;
The weight of missing you will pull me under,
But I know you’d never lie.

I do not want the sun to rise;
You can’t be gone, you must be mine
But I know you’d never lie:
“This is not goodbye.”

Last night - no, wait, this morning - I swore I heard thunder and I wondered where I was for a moment, as I had never slept through wind and rain in this place, and in fact, there are many things I have not done in this place but would like to do, and maybe I won’t get through all of those things in my first year, but I’d like to check some things off my list, you know, stay out all night, be able to say I stayed sober, sleep in all morning, watch all nine seasons of Criminal Minds on Netflix (bless), wonder if he likes me too, know he likes me too, try sushi again since I just tried guac again and ended up loving it, try loving again and maybe end up feeling okay after, not used or tattered or torn, not in the way some people do of course, but really only just scratched up, or maybe I’m shattered, who’s to say how broken someone is, and more importantly, who’s to say they can’t be fixed, and maybe I’m already on the mend, away from many of the things that pulled me down, left me floating in the ocean (i’ve always been afraid since The Fish Incident), just the front of my face above water, struggling for air, a fine line of salty water creating a border between skin and ocean, and who knows where this is even going or what I’ll draw from it but I love the possibility that even a few words could form something great, in the same way I love the possibilities here, because last night while my roommate was sleeping I realized that one day my work may be on a bookshelf - should they still exist come the publication of my novel - and my dreams could very well come true, quite soon, with just a little help from the people and places i’ve been waiting so long to discover, and another thing, another realization: it is possible that my future husband is somewhere on campus, oh my, how mind boggling, do people even say mind boggling, probably not, I don’t usually but then again I don’t usually do this and look where that’s gotten me, but in all seriousness, I know people joke about finding it difficult to believe someone would want to marry them, allow you to share their last name, have a family with you, genuinely want to spend the rest of their life with you, but that really is a problem for me, because I’m strange, but not in the way you’d think, or maybe in the way you think, I don’t know how you think, after all.

I am alone

I walk the lonely backroads

not sure where I'm going,

but i know i've gotta go.



this is not wanderlust

it's merely broken trust

i kick the dirt beneath me,

and watch a cloud form from the dust.



I knew my father left us

I knew my mother cried

but it seems i never really knew

the hurtful reason why.



my long blonde hair

is what sent him there

to whatever town he lives in now;

i guess having a daughter made him scared.



I am alone

I walk the washed out, broken roads

not sure where i'm going,

but i know i can't go home.

In my dreams, I lose my teeth
and packs of wolves howl at me
I run toward them in the moonlight

And when I wake, you're lying there
I'll start to smile, I'll touch your hair
but you'll just turn away

I'll get a coffee, maybe two
whenever I go out with you
in case I start to fall asleep
in case I start to dream

In my dreams, I'm running free
across the land, between the trees
and all the wolves run with me

And in the morning, I am sore
from dreaming hard, from wanting more,
from all these chains that bind me

You say that I've been acting strange,
sleeping all of my days away,
but I'm not tired, and I'm not sleeping
I'm awake, and I am dreaming

In my dreams, they call to me
the mountaintops, the evergreens
and I hear the haunting echo of a howl;
so this is all to let you know
that when I do decide to go
it's really, truly just because of me;
it's only ever been about my dreams.

i can see the pain inside of you,
with every step you take;
you're quitting things you used to do,
but hold on, for my sake.

because after the rain,
when the sun starts to shine
you'll forget all the pain
and your heart can be mine
'cause i love you too much
to let you say goodbye
and your hand i will clutch,
with a tear in my eye...
after the rain.

i can tell that you're hurting,
with each word that you speak
all this pain you're exerting,
is making you bleak.

but after the rain,
when the clouds move aside
you will finally be sane,
and i'll be your bride
'cause as much as you need me,
i need you here too;
you couldn't begin to belive,
all the things we could do...
after the rain.

I can tell your mind's failing,
as well as your heart,
but grip the cold railing,
and we'll get a fresh start.

And after the rain,
when the world becomes new
we'll be popping champagne
under a sky that's bright blue
'cause after the water's dry,
we'll never be the same;
we will prevail, you and I...
after the rain.

Who?
I'll flirt
my way through
who?
You.

What
are
you?

Brilliant, funny, filled
with liquor.

A faded sign,
her every
exhalation unsignaled.

Sobbing, sudden.

A mix of whimper and scream
and cigarettes and wine and knock-knock
jokes and ***** and

it was our
last day, Saturday,
our
last
day.

"Don't make me beg.
Don't go back,
don't go cold,
somewhere in
the dark."

She slowly
rises to her feet,
wonders how
she will learn
to leave, how
not
to go back.

Through her eyes,
the fire stops:
her heart begins
to die.

"Don't leave."

She pictures it:
No kisses.
Alone
In the wind.

"Don't."

She walks.

Allow me to make a confession:

I did steal.
(I did not know.)

At the time, I was
waiting outside a
wedding hall.
She
was listening:
to engines idling,
the muffled sound
of music.
She was beautiful,
graceful;
she lit a cigarette -
noticed me -
and her feet
were bare.
She offered no indication
that she felt it.

She wore sunglasses and smoked.

I did steal.
I sat outside,
and I did steal.

I did not know.

She is porcelain,
shattered.
I remember her yelling,
"Oh
dear
oh
dear,"
blank in the face;
a single tear
on the edge of
her right eye.

She is broken,
sudden mayhem.
I remember her,
grabbing my shoulders,
her gaze lifting
over my head;
and then
I witnessed
the most
extraordinary
thing:



her eyes.

And Bravery Came,
Darling, Effortlessly,
Forever Granting
Her Invaluable Justice.
Kryptonite (Love),
Maybe Not,
Or Perhaps
Quixotic (Remember?),
Stolen,
Taken,
Undercover,
Vendetta,
Wonderfully Xenoglossy,
You Zorro.

I had two best friends;
a boy
and a girl
And I talked to them
every day
and I loved them
with all of my heart;
In fact, I loved the boy
with all of my heart
and then some
but he didn't love me back;
why would he?
And so,
when the girl
told me
she liked the boy
I couldn't bear
to tell her
that I too was infatuated
with his laugh
and the sound of his voice
and so,
I told her
that she should date him
(since I clearly never would)
And then
to my surprise
and utter dismay
they did
And I was sad
but I still smiled
when we were in groups
because I still loved them
with all of my heart
However;
the love that I had
for them
was not as strong
as their love for each other
And now
I have two friends;
a boy
and a girl
The boy told me he used to like me
way back when I thought he never would
but it's too late
to fix my stupid mistakes
because now my two friends
talk to each other
every day;
I have not spoken to either
in months
and I sit alone
at home
thinking of what would have happened
(and what could be)
if I had told the boy
that I loved him
with all of my heart
and then some.

She avoided the question for the same reason most people avoid things - she feared the answer, that she couldn't handle it.

It would be so easy.
Just three words.

Who is she?

She wanted to know.
Desperately.
But if her name was not his answer,
everything would surely turn black.

What do you do when the one you love loves another?

She decided she did not want to know.

I'd like to be the girl
with fiery red hair
and eyes that sparkle
like the surface of the water
she dwells in

I'd like to be the girl
who lives to love
and loves to live
and befriends
the sweeter, smaller things

I'd like to break the barrier
and taste the salty air
and maybe even find my way
on my own two legs
in a whole new world

I'd like to find someone who loves me
despite my past
because maybe my heart
will make up for it

I'd like to be Ariel
because I'd like to have
a happy ending

"You're crazy and no one likes you." I don't know how to respond. I am ten and have never heard such hurtful words before. She smirks as I walk away in tears, silent in my own disbelief. At dinner that night, my mother says she is jealous of me because I am such a smart, kind girl. Now I am confused. Am I an outcast that is hated by all, or the poster child for perfection?

She is insecure
Envy green with jealousy
But she still hurts me

"Wow. It's really sad that you have to tattle to the principal instead of handling things yourself." I don't know how to respond. I am fourteen and am now embarrassed for asking my mom to talk to the school, and to make sure I didn't share any classes with my bully. I delete the post from my Facebook wall and lock myself in my room. At dinner that night, my mother says I am mature for contacting the school rather than fighting with my attacker. But I am confused. How can I stand up for myself if other people are solving my problems for me?

I cannot escape
Her words make me feel alone
What did I do wrong?

"Guess who." I know exactly how to respond. I am seventeen and I have had enough. My bully moved away two years ago; I thought she had moved on. Apparently, distance is not a problem for her. One sentence is all she will get from me: "I feel bad for you." The phone company has her number minutes later and I am proud of myself. At dinner that night, I don't tell my mother anything, because there's nothing to tell. There is no more confusion; I know that she is not the only one of her kind, but I also know that I am strong enough to handle anyone whose insecurites knock them down a few levels in the realm of maturity. I only wish the clarity had come sooner.

To my old neighbor:
Thank you for tormenting me.
You have made me strong.

It's always at night.

I remember the first one;
the air was heavy with the heat
of summer, the bonfire
at full blaze. The sprinklers
came on and everyone ran,
but you just laughed. I soon
came to learn that your typical
reaction was to laugh. I soon came
to learn I loved it.

The second night, we were
uptown, our path lit by
traffic lights and flickering street lamps.
I walked next to you.
It was enough then.

The third night came unexpectedly;
I was supposed to be in bed by midnight,
but suddenly, it was four a.m.,
and we were sitting on someone else's bed,
in darkness, our only light being the illuminating
laptop screen, music in the background,
and you were inches away
but I felt farther away than ever
and your hand brushed my leg and
I have never wanted to lie with
someone so badly and
you are exhausted but still smiling,
still focused on the music and
I have never wanted to kiss someone
so badly and i do not know why
i do not know why but i know
that we are not possible,
and it is all a fantasy
and desperation is a bitter taste,
a hollow feeling that burrows itself
in your bones,
and when i think of how much love
you have for her,
tiny cracks begin to form in my crystal heart.

I've heard you tell them you're going to marry her
when you're drunk.

Last night,
you read my poetry
and listened to my playlists
and how am I still so willing
to give so much away
and risk so much
for someone
who may never
give a ****?

Her name was Autumn
and she smelled like falling leaves
her only flaw
was that she decided to leave me
for a better life
'cause everyone knows
this town will take you under
like high tide
and I tried
to save us
but when you're drowning
you don't swim deeper

It’s like you are stuck in winter, hiding
Away, trying to escape the late nights
That threaten to pull you under, guiding
Yourself deeper into an abyss; lights
Cannot guide you home when your eyes are closed
And I know you don’t want a saving grace,
But you cannot control who loves you, no,
I won’t let you live in this lonely place.
And maybe your rage will rise up in flames,
Or maybe you’ll swim; an ocean of tears
Is frightening, but you can float. These games
In your mind wreak havoc, these fears
Are taking you over – what could I do?
I am not sorry, because I love you.

She woke up under a sheet and didn't realize it right away,
but she was lying right next to regret disguised as a
beautiful liar.
Her clothes are on the floor and her head is pounding
and she remembers pushing his hand away but when
she sneaks into his bathroom while he's still passed out,
she sees the blood all over her torn underwear and it becomes
fairly clear what happened last night;
she keeps the bloodied garment only because she needs to say
there was something he didn't take from her
while her vision was blurry
and she texts her friends saying she's home and fine and just
so, so tired, but she stands in a scalding shower for an hour trying to
wash away the disgust and the blood and the bruises
and they won't go, so she tries to sleep, but she's haunted by
everything and is so angry with herself and with him and now it's
midnight again and she hasn't eaten all day and her friends think she's
thrown up seven times because she drank too much,
but the nausea came from the memories,
and now it's been a week and the bruises are yellow
but they still hurt the same
and he never texted her
and she's still bleeding
and she burned that pair of underwear
and cut her hair short
and stuffed that ****** black dress in the back of her closet
and told God she'd happily keep the bruises on her arms
and legs
and hips
and neck
if He would just heal
the ones covering her heart.

When you are at the edge
tip-toeing along the ledge
and tears fall from your eye
to the ground
two hundred feet below;
I really hope you know
that I will catch you
if you decide
it's time to go
and even if you fell
ten thousand miles
toward the ground
I would make sure to catch you
because I want you
safe and sound.

Picture frames outline memories;
I wonder if you think of me,
And the nights when we would run wild;
I turn back time, and try to smile.

Do you remember freshman year?
We were carefree, you were still here,
And movie tickets formed a pile;
I turn back time, and try to smile.

Do you remember your last day?
We said goodbye, you drove away,
And I broke down, just like a child;
I turn back time, and try to smile.


Even if you don't think of me,
I hope you're living happily.
These photographs should last awhile;
I turn back time, and try to smile.

T H E  B E G I N N I N G
It's always blue skies,
glittering eyes,
red wine on our lips
when you say goodnight.

It's always new highs,
butterflies,
everything I think I need
to feel right inside.

T H E  I N E V I T A B L E
It's always grey skies,
white lies,
red wine on the floor
when we're fighting
for hours 'til you say
you don't love me anymore

and the door closes behind you
and I beg the sun to rise
and it's always
always
always
you who says goodbye

I want you to show up at my house
on a clear summer evening
unexpectedly
with your truck
your beat up, half-full-of-gas truck
and I want you to tell me
you have a surprise for me.

So you'll blindfold me
and stick me in the passenger seat
and start playing some song on your ipod
that I don't recognize
but instantly fall in love with
and I want you to drive
for so long
that I question our whereabouts
and you'll say
"I told you, it's a surprise."

and then
at long last
you will help me out of your truck
(like the gentleman you are)
but you'll tell me to keep the blindfold on
for a few more minutes
while I hear your truck doors
open
and shut
and open
and shut
and you'll take off the blindfold
with a huge smile on your face
as you yell, "Surprise!"
with that goofy grin
(slightly lopsided - beautiful imperfection)
and i'll look to my right
and see your truck
in the middle of this field
this lonely, simple field
and in the bed of the truck
are blankets and pillows
and my face will light up
as I run over
and leap into the truck bed
and you will follow
and turn on more music
that I don't recognize
but instantly fall in love with

and the sun will set
and you will wrap me in a blanket
and then your arms
and I will use your chest as a pillow
(it was always comfier than the real thing, anyway)
and you will sing along
to the songs I don't know
but instantly fall in love with
and the sky will turn indigo
and the stars will appear
(though they never really left)
dotting the sky
like the freckles on your face
and we will watch them together
and trace constellations we can't pronounce
and you will play with my hair
and maybe i'll kiss you
and maybe you'll kiss me
and all will be quiet
except for the soft sound
of the music I do not recognize
but instantly fall in love with
kind of like the way
I fell in love with you.

Dear ***, do you recall last night?
Of course you don’t – so let me remind you.
Twelve a.m. (four hours late), right-left-right,
You stumbled up to the door, she was through
Many, many months ago, but she stayed,
Hoping that you’d change, come home sober for
A change, in her red dress that night she prayed
For bravery, for the courage to leave,
She wasn’t religious until you went
And made her feel like a sinner, believe
Me when I say every penny you spent
On *****, every night you weren’t with her,
Was your loss. Sincerely, her sister.

When I was little,
We would play kickball
In the cul-de-sac.

You would scold me
While I was in the outfield,
Told me not to puppy-guard
The bases.

I told you to run faster.

Last night,
You wouldn’t let me
Leave, wouldn’t let
Me sleep alone.

I told you not to puppy guard
My heart,
To have faith in yourself,
In me, in us.

I told you not to puppy guard my heart.

You told me to love faster.

I told you I couldn’t.

You seemed broken, frozen.

She sits on the roof,
sweatshirt-covered arms
wrapped around her legs
because his arms
were no longer
wrapped around her.
She watches the stars
and sticks out her tongue;
she's catching snowflakes
as her body shakes
in the freezing cold.
She closes her eyes
and takes a deep breath,
spreads her arms and legs out wide
like she's making a snow angel.
They say she's a dreamer,
and they were right;
but she was dreaming of
they day she'd find
the courage to die;
now she's a snow angel.

A blank canvas sits against the wall,
no pencils or brushes in sight.
The towering clock's about to fall,
her fists are clenched so tight.
A thought provokes a memory,
here comes the nimbus cloud.
She looks at what she shouldn't see,
and now she's dreaming out loud.

He's sitting across the quiet lake,
alone and deep in thought.
She sends her heart for him to take,
and now she remembers what she once forgot;
That her lonely heart can't swim alone,
for it is no longer proud.
Her pride is stripped down to the bone;
oh how it hurts to dream out loud.

And so her love sinks to the bottom of the pond,
while he watches with a sly smile.
She fell for what she was sure was a bond,
but he was only adding to the limitless pile.
Open eyes soon reveal a story in color,
this canvas depicts what she once vowed.
The story she shares is like no other,
because it was told by dreaming out loud.

And this is how it goes:
you will talk for hours.
he will tell you
you’re
b e a u t i f u l,
that your eyes belong
with the stars,
that your smile puts
the sunrise to shame,
that you are nothing short
of perfect.

you will believe him.
this is where
the trouble starts.

Lips will crash
and so will walls
and skin will touch
but he won’t feel anything
other than what he wants
to feel
what he always planned
on feeling
and when you ask
why he hasn’t called
why you no longer talk
for hours,
he will twist and turn
his words
until he’s back to telling you
how the smell of your hair
is intoxicating
and you will ask
if he loves you
and he will tell you
your laugh
is adorable
and your hands
belong in his
and you will ask
if he loves you
and he will tell you
that you look so good
in that little black dress
and you will ask
if he loves you
and you will ask
if he loves you
and in his avoidance,
you will find your answer.

december is so cold
and his story is untold
so when he lets his heart unfold
it's much too easy

he's nearly blinded
by her beautiful diamonds
they almost remind him
of a lost memory

the sparkle in her eyes
is a mere disguise
he believes all the lies
he falls so quickly
and suddenly


he's yelling save me, save me
i've made a mistake
i was crazy, crazy
and the whole thing was fake
somebody save me, save me
'cause i lost everything
trying to save myself.


april is so blurry
rain day, he's in a hurry
eyes on fire, fueled by fury;
now he can't see


so it's no surprise when
her beautiful diamonds
catch his eye again
and persuade him to be free
but the smile on her face
doesn't have a single trace
of insincerity or disgrace
and he falls so quickly
and suddenly


he's yelling save me, save me
i've made a mistake
i was crazy, crazy
and the whole thing was fake
somebody save me, save me
'cause i lost everything
trying to save myself.


december is so cold
and it's such a pity
that his story was told
because he fell for the beauty
so quickly,
so suddenly,
so quietly.


he can barely say save me, save me
'cause he made too many mistakes
he was crazy, crazy
and every kiss was a fake
he whispers save me, save me
now he's lost everything
trying to save himself;
what a shame.

I'm curled up by the fire

it is so cold in December

I look through all of the pictures

'cause I want to remember



We're standing on the boardwalk

It was so hot in July

If you zoom in all the way

You can see the sparkle in my eye



His old Tshirt still smells like summer

and there's still sand in my bikini

his kiss was more powerful than thunder

I hope he still misses me



Now we're swimming in the ocean

on the 15th of July

you can barely see our faces

'cause the sun was just so bright



I'm so close to the fire

but he's so far away

I keep scrolling through the pictures

oh, I wish we could've stayed



His old Tshirt still smells like summer

and there's still sand in my bikini

his kiss was more powerful than thunder

I hope he still misses me



We're standing in the airport

on the 18th of July

and if you zoom in then and now

you'll see the tears in my eyes



'Cause his old Tshirt still smells like summer

and there's still sand in my bikini

his kiss was more powerful than thunder

I hope he still misses me

yeah, I hope he still misses me

I hope he still misses me.

Clear and slick and frozen,
The ice coats the ground,
The trees, parked cars,
And any tangible thing around.

My breath makes the air visible,
Just for a moment; it’s 25 below,
And I am frozen, chilled to the bone,
Shaking everywhere I go.

The city is an ice sculpture,
Glistening, so beautifully hazardous;
Frozen solid, doomed to melt –
An existence quite precarious.

The sun is stunningly silent today;
Does it believe its fate has been chosen?
I don’t miss it now, I suppose, but only
Because I’m enchanted by all that is frozen.

Do not doubt your ability
When faced with great adversity.
Release your fears, and you will find
All you need is a golden mind.

"Life; an adventure, or nothing"
She had no problem adjusting
Deaf in both ears, blind in both eyes;
All you need is a golden mind.

"Music is a mediator"
Healthy early, famous later
Lost all hearing, did not resign;
All you need is a golden mind.

"I don't know why I run so fast"
Before, they said her fate was cast
Four Olympic medals combined;
All you need is a golden mind.

Even when handed tragedies,
You'll walk away with victories
If you leave all your doubts behind;
All you need is a golden mind.

I am gossamer

you are so quixotic

you drop my crystal heart again,

but then you glue it back together.



You are so quixotic

our love is forlorn, broken

but then you glue it back together;

I'll give you another chance.



Our love is forlon, broken

you bring thunder to halcyon weather;

I'll give you another chance,

unable to see the thread from which i'm hanging.



You bring thunder to halcyon weather

I can't escape this storm

unable to see the thread from which i'm hanging;

I am gossamer.

Staring at the neon walls around me,
trying to look deeper than the eye can see;
i'm thinking of the reasons why i'm left alone,
when i'm suddenly startled by a ghostly moan.

"Where are you going?" the clown begins to taunt,
and i think, "into his arms; at least, that's what i want."
I push away the curtains and I turn around to find
my best friend and her boyfriend; their love has left them blind.

And because of this, they're unaware that they are being followed
by a group of ****** children's toys whose hearts are very hollowed.
As she screams at the creatures, her lover holds her tight;
he says "i'll hold you close, until the bad things are out of sight."

My heart is slowly bleeding as I see their innocent love;
and I'm wishing life were better when a clown drops from above.
It cackles as I'm shaking; I'm as scared as I could ever be;
i now realize there's nobody to protect me.

I soon forget the posessed walls, as I relive it once again;
the first time I came here with you, before our love had an end.
I'm oblivious to the world around me, but nobody seems to care;
the only one who would is you, but you're not even there.

Walking down this dark hallway I can't see my tears,
but i know that they're from better years.
holding the broken pieces of a heart unwanted;
this house isn't the only thing that's haunted.

There is a flame in the corner of the greenhouse;
It rises up, alone, the child of a lighter and gasoline,
Surrounded at its base by envy – green leaves.
No wonder it is the only of its kind
No wonder it is nearly isolated –
Too much of this fierce sunset
Would set the place ablaze,
Leaving only embers
And the faint hiss
Of an ebbing
wildfire.

I
And suddenly it is mid-October,
Everything is ablaze with color, all of the leaves
Are descending, the air is comfortably cool,
The sun reminds me of the approaching equinox,
The earth is standing still, it’s lovely, enchanting,
The scent of fresh apples engulfs me, hello autumn.

II
Gourds grace our front doorstep, autumn,
Don’t you love them, don’t you love October,
The way the leaves crunch, their demises are enchanting,
But did they ever die, I don’t know, they are just leaves,
But they are autumn, they hug the equinox,
Love its embrace, its temperature drop, so cool.

III
Where are my sweaters, it’s getting cool,
But I’m not worried, it’s only autumn,
It’s only a Halloween equinox,
Time is changing, it is still October,
But things are changing, even the leaves,
The fire is fading, but it’s still enchanting.

IV
Hello autumn, have you seen the leaves?
Hello October, are you ready for the equinox?
Prepare for enchanting colors and temperatures cool.

I try to make it him.
I try to stare into his eyes and
feel the same but
I don't and I wish I could,
I wish it could be him,
I wish it wasn't you,
but it's you,
it's you,
it's you and I
do not know
if that will ever change.

It's cold and these blankets are not enough
It's cold and I am not as tough
as I used to be
back when
it was you and me
and though I love the snow,
I think I loved you more.

Or maybe that's what I let myself believe;
that I miss you because you don't miss me.
I cannot name this feeling,
this emptiness in my bones
But I can hardly feel the fire
and all I really know is that

Sometimes when I get lonely
I go back to missing you
I step into the shower
Like we always used to
and feel the flames
as they cascade down my face
it's not the same,
it's not the same,
but maybe this hot water
can replace
your embrace
for tonight.

It's quiet and I miss the lovely sounds
of your singing from when you were around
and I still
feel your touch
lingering
and it's too much
to know that I may have been the one
to throw it all away

And maybe I'm losing my mind because
all of my friends are deep in love
while I'm deep in a rut
but this lack of sound
is threatening to shatter me
and I don't know if I could recover,
but I do know that

Sometimes when I get lonely
I go back to missing you
I step into the shower
Like we always used to
and feel the flames
as they cascade down my face
it's not the same,
it's not the same,
but maybe this hot water
can replace
your embrace
for tonight.

My skin is red from all this heat
won't you please say that you need me?
My temperature is 102
oh, don't you know that I love you?
And if I do disintegrate,
If you find me here too late,
will you make the water cold?
Will you make sure our story's told?

Steady…tip left. Get back up. Steady…lean right, lean left, fall right. See blood. Cry out. Wait for mom and dad to run over (they are watching from a distance). Put band-aid on knee. Wish it would’ve been a Transformers one. Get back up. Ask for dad for help. Cry when he says you can do it yourself. Make him promise not to let go of the back of the seat. Left foot on pedal, push off with right. Last-second check to make sure dad is still there (he is). Steady. Steady. Steady. Look left. The grass is incredibly green this summer. Look right. The neighbors have an adorable puppy. Steady.  Steady. Steady. Stop at the end of the street (left foot on pedal, right on ground). Turn around. See dad standing at opposite end. See him give thumbs up. He lied. Hear mom cheer. He lied. Smile…because he lied.

Feel the summer breeze
Pride rushing through every vein
Sometimes lies are good

I do not want to say goodnight
And lie in wait ‘till morning light,
Praying to something I’ll see your face
For one more day, in this lonely place,
In the midst of this wretched plight…

Is it selfish of me to want you to fight
Harder? And can I say it’s bright
When I am in darkness’ embrace?
I do not want to.

These days go by in black and white -
They say you’re slipping; that can’t be right.
Trying to breathe, but I’m in space,
And your memory of me is nearly erased.
The sun is setting; can I say goodnight?
I do not want to.

If broken hearts were broken glass, we'd walk on shattered ground
and if each lie told was a second of silence, we'd never hear a sound.
If every threat, punch, kick, and scream was a color on a wall
a sheer rainbow kaleidoscope would loom over us all.
And if every time you closed your eyes, you had a different dream
would the world be much more peaceful, or just as crazy as it seems?
If you could run back far enough, the air just might be warm;
and the clouds just might turn indigo - the calm before the storm.

Picture frames outline bad memories

the pain is deeper than the eye can see

and i promised myself i wouldn't believe

that anything was wrong with me

but my world is spinning

and i'm trying to walk in a straight line

my eyes are open but i am blind

no, no, i'm not fine;

i've never been fine.



tossing and turning at three a.m.

thinking of how things were different back then

my stomach is twisting and i can't  pretend

that i am okay and this isn't the end

the room starts to shake and the walls start to bend

so i slowly close my eyes

and try not to cry

no, no, i'm not fine;

i've never been fine.



Shaking and crying on the bathroom floor

i cannot pretend anymore

it started at three and now it's four

my breathing is shallow and my stomach is sore

the pain and fear shoot through to my core

when it finally ends, i don't ask myself why

because now i do realize

no, no, i'm not fine;

i've never been fine.

Inhale, exhale the summer air;
Squint your eyes, avoid the glare
Of a brilliantly blinding sun -
But miss it when the day’s done,
And of night’s coolness you’re aware.

Let chlorine infiltrate your hair;
Your heart its scent will soon ensnare,
And you won’t ever try to run…
Inhale, exhale.

You cannot help but stop and stare
At the stars when the night is fair;
And when you sleep, you see the sun.
The heat of the sand makes you run,
Your body abuzz from the scent of the air:
Inhale, exhale.

I tried not to like him. I tried really, really hard not to notice his perfect smile, his perfect hair, his perfect laugh….I did. I promise. Because what point is there in liking a guy who already has a girlfriend? In his eyes, I was simply a friend. Someone to joke around with before he went back to the more important, more beautiful girl. But over the past 10 weeks, it has become increasingly difficult to avoid the unavoidable: I am completely and utterly infatuated with him. He has been, most recently, sneaking into my dreams, subtly at first and then, to my shock and secret excitement, making obvious appearances. It is these appearances that hurt the most, for I could take full advantage of them and pretend he is mine…but I can’t. Because he isn’t. Even though, as I found out a week ago, he is now single. No girlfriend. No heartbreak. Just single. Like me. Except I’m sure he wants to be. Unlike me. And it is here that I am left in an utterly hopeless place: I am in love with a boy who has just fallen out of love, and who does not plan on falling back into it. There was a short period of time (it could be measured in seconds) that I thought perhaps I could change his mind; I could make him fall in love with me. Not forcibly, of course…just in the way that I would become so appealing to him that he would fall quite hard, and quite fast. The opposite way I did for him. But that was a silly, rash thought, and I brushed it aside as I am my hair right now as I type this. As I try to clear my mind. As I try to figure out what to do. Because I don’t know what to do. I’ve always secretly liked him, but I never figured he would like me. And there’s this miniscule thought, this hope, in the back of my mind that maybe we were meant to be or something stupid and naive like that. And I can’t shake it. So I guess I’m stuck. I guess I’ll keep writing songs and poems and rambles like this until I either fall out of love or the amazing and unfathomable happens. I’m hoping it will be the second. Because I really do like him. Even though I really tried not to.

I remember August, four years ago;
Trembling hands, climbed the stairs, found my place.
They said time would fly, but I didn’t know
We were all on a rocket ship in space,
Winking at light as we passed it, waving
To past selves before we realized they were
Past selves, suddenly older and craving
Freedom, wanting to leave but quite unsure
Of what occurs outside of our bubble;
We grew up in this kingdom, unaware
That we would have to turn it to rubble
One day, goodbye friends, are your hearts breaking?
Now the future is yours for the taking.

Like clockwork,
The transition begins again;
Crunchy colors cover the ground
As the second hand makes its way around

The transition begins again;
Lights go up and snowflakes fall
As the second hand makes its way around,
I'm only catching glimpses

Lights go up and snowflakes fall
But these miniscule miracles won’t last;
I'm only catching glimpses
And the sun is already setting.

But these miniscule miracles won’t last
The earth is spinning far too fast
And the sun is already setting…
Like clockwork.

I
Get up, little warrior, little dynamo,
Do not frown at your affliction,
Stand tall, you are stone, you are fearless,
They are irrelevant, so merciless,
With one goal, to see you melancholy,
But you are titanium, you are strong.

II
They are the opposition, you are strong,
Sword in hand and heart and mind, little dynamo,
You know better, you do not deserve to be melancholy,
No matter what cards you are dealt, this affliction
Is sand, they are sand, they are merciless,
But you are the captain of the S.S. Fearless.

III
Your eyes scream it, “I am fearless,”
They will know it, feel it, you are so strong,
Don’t let your ears near their words, ***** and merciless,
You are a diamond, little dynamo,
Their minds are limited, can they even define affliction,
Your heart is too warm to be melancholy.

IV
Four feet tall, so strong, what affliction?
Little dynamo, who is merciless?
You cannot be melancholy if you are fearless.

Three a.m., you’re at my window;
I am half asleep, mumbling,
Asking why you’re here; I’m a mess.
I make my way downstairs, stumbling…

Four a.m., we’re in my backyard,
And your eyes ought to dot the night sky.
I cannot look away; your face is a galaxy.
You catch me stargazing, but you don’t mind.

Five a.m., my eyelids are fluttering;
The moon, your smile, they start to blend.
I think I hear a melody, maybe…
No, no, it’s your voice; I cannot pretend.

Six a.m., the sun is set to rise again,
But we’ve lost track of time to keep;
The dawn is slowly breaking now,
And we’re alone, in love, asleep.

Scorching sand covering my toes
Salty air in the wind that blows
The land and water harmonize ;
You're sublime, sweet summertime.

The ocean waves are in my hair,
And there are people everywhere.
This whole place is a perfect rhyme;
You're so sublime, sweet summertime

Sunset to sunrise, I am awed;
I cannot find a single flaw.
The stars glow brighter every night;
You're so sublime, sweet summertime.

She sells seashells by the sea shore
Returns each year, for she needs more
Of the grand, ever-changing skies;
You're so sublime, sweet summertime.

I

You said all you could see in my eyes was passion,
But you were staring down the barrel of a gun, Russian roulette,
Go look at your journals, you always knew love was quixotic,
But you continued to fall deeper into a terrain uncharted,
Leaving me to plan everything, all the adventures, “spontaneous,”
We were never “we,” it was all faux, like my smile, maleficent.

II

Tattooed in a place you never saw is “maleficent,”
I had to remind myself who I was, you were so full of passion,
Waiting for the trigger after every outburst, each as spontaneous
As the last, you always carried a deck of cards but you preferred roulette,
You’d lost so much anyway, but this game sent you somewhere uncharted,
All you did was watch the stars, you needed a compass, this love was quixotic.

III

My love was there for the taking, it was I who was quixotic,
How did you miss it, I am Miss Maleficent,
My name is on broken hearts everywhere, in places uncharted,
But only to you, I’ve been everywhere, recognized your passion,
Loaded my gun, tried to fire, ended up blinking, **** this roulette,
I had to end it faster, I blinked till I cried, that was truly spontaneous.

IV

I am Miss Maleficent, you fell to roulette;
Curse your passion, and feelings uncharted;
Our love was both spontaneous and quixotic.

You call all the girls you mess around with "sunshine,"
but none of them light your dark spaces,
your loneliest places.

I'm there at one in the afternoon
with you and your flat tire
and then at three in the morning
with you and your ******
"i love her's,"
your groggy, slurred words
about a girl from the bar
who you won't remember
and you thank me in the morning
when I bring you water
and all you ever call me
is a friend