Alone in her room, she writes feverishly,
Fueled by adoration:
“I love you because you fear
The very thing that will unite us;
I’ll remember you, even in oblivion.”
Alone in her thoughts, the moon rises
With her chest as she takes deep breaths
As she smears the ink, the liquid words that read:
“Can you feel my heartbeats
In the indentations of this letter?”

She begs him to remember,
To try and picture their first date;
She says, “I know it’s hard right now,
But you are stronger than the things
That have ever dared to bring you down.”
She begs him to recall
Sitting in a coffee shop somewhere
In the heart of a beautiful fall
And if he wakes up, she wonders,
“Will he remember me at all?”

This letter is not about her,
Though her scent engulfs the page;
No, this was never about her,
Though she wants him to remember her name
When he wakes from someone else’s mistake
And if the sound of her voice
Is not enough to provoke
Even the simplest memory of their love,
She prays through tears that her
Ink-stained words will be enough.

Twisted in the way her pride
Brings her down because she can feel
Them glaring, those envious eyes

At a paper she wishes weren’t real
At a feat she should not be ashamed of
At a number so many are wishing to steal

Melancholy in the way she crumples and shoves
Her A+ in the trash on the way out the door;
If she keeps it, she’s sticking up her nose

Because pride is a sin and nothing more;
Hard Work is the devil’s ally,
And Guilt builds his home in her core.

She was given a gift, and now she cries
She was deemed a monster, so now she’ll lie.

Pain in the way the multitude of red marks
On her paper resemble streaks of blood
From the wounds to her fragile heart

A wave of nausea; no wait, a flood
Of everything she’s felt thus far;
Cruelty has crushed a blooming bud.

Tear-stained wishes on a shooting star
To rip away her intelligence;
She’d rather have an ugly scar

She never befriended Arrogance
But somehow her life went awry;
All she wanted was another chance.

She hides her gift, but she still cries
Because she was forced to live a lie.

I suppose this is the part where tears fall
From my eyes in rapid unison
But I find myself feeling nothing at all

As I’m watching the rising autumn sun
Memories take over like high tide
In the race to grow up, who really won?

Six years old, mama’s mascara on her eyes
Wishing she could fit into her heels,
But still running to her when she cries

You think you know how it feels
To be grown up when you’re left alone
For a weekend; but that’s not being on your own.

I want to go home.
Someone please take me home.

Jets roar in the distance and I wonder
If this is what it feels like
To enter calm water, only to be pulled under

And I know it shouldn’t feel right
Leaving the past eighteen years
At this terminal in the early daylight

But still, there are no tears;
Only distant memories
And resurfacing fears

Fifteen years old and simply needing
To be able to drive on my own;
My eyes may be dry, but they are pleading:

I want to go home.
Someone please take me home.

I cannot stand the taste of salt
On my tongue as the night drags on
And although it is my own fault
I cannot stand to know you’re gone;
Sheets covered in raindrops – no,
Those are pieces of my heart
And I find myself alone tonight
(Perhaps deservingly so);
Didn’t mean to yell, to fall apart;
I’ve always feared the light.

My lips are unbearably numb;
Is this how I’ll miss your kiss?
Is this what I’ve become?
Lost your love in the abyss,
The depths of my own mind,
Where voices ring loud:
“You are not worthy!”
Oh, I do apologize;
Words like these won’t make you proud,
But neither will girls like me.

I am acquainted with early hours
Of the morning, and yes
One a.m., I miss the flowers;
Midnight has already seen the mess
That is my forlorn heart
And yes, two a.m.,
You may wipe clean my canvas face
For sadness is not a work of art;
Were my lips not meant to part again?
Perhaps I am simply a soul misplaced.

Cue the ever-prominent darkness;
Wake up in night, and feel the chill
Of snow and of stress
Resting on the window sill.
Feel it all around you;
This giant contradiction
Of happiness and tears.
You never spoke, but always knew
Of the below-zero affliction
That covered you in frost each year.

Cue the endless strings of lights;
Let the trees and houses glow
But it’s all an effort to block out night;
This you hate, but this you know.
Fear of midnight skies only rises
When snowflakes start to fall
And time seems to slip away;
We get by with our harmless disguises,
Forcing our minds away from it all
Until we wake to the light of day.


Cue the tray of hot cocoa;
Pair it with a candy cane
The warmth is sweet, but it is faux
And the mint walks you down memory lane.
But you don’t want to remember
No, you don’t want to relive innocence
You can’t go back to your Santa Claus days
For you want to love December;
You live the month with wistfulness,
But you cannot ignore the pain.

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”
That’s what you told me, voice strained, quivering,
as we made our way to the edge of the proverbial
cliff, as the needle began to break the skin
covering our love, as the overwhelmingly dark
cloud began to cover our sun, as I began to
recall every second every moment everything.
My mother would have told me the same -
I know that’s why you said it. But, my darling,
you’ve never been a very good liar.

Sometimes I wonder
If I ever truly felt anything for you,
or if I was just looking for something
to write about

Or maybe
I was looking for something
to dull the pain
that loneliness brings

Ever lonely
ever lonely
searching for
my one and only
and everybody
in between;
a foreigner
to care and love
and a veteran
of empty spaces,
seeking isolation
because it is all
I've ever known
I walk the crowded streets
with my head low
I walk the crowded streets
alone
and would I rather
be a writer
known for my pain,
or a liar
with a boldly
beating heart?

Four letters won’t define.
Four letters won’t defeat.
Even though they’re forever mine,
Even though they’re not discrete.

Four letters won’t defeat;
No longer are they chains.
Even though they’re not discrete,
I won’t let myself live this way.

No longer are they chains;
They cannot pull me down.
I won’t let myself live this way;
Refusing to sink, refusing to drown.

They cannot pull me down;
These letters, sips of ruined wine.
Refusing to sink, refusing to drown:
Four letters won’t define.

He thinks, “come into the stillness.”

He thinks, “Grow wild, intoxicated.”

Perhaps, he thinks, we are cannonballs.

Perhaps we are glazed and dazzled,

drunk on clarity.

Must we be wiped off the earth?

He sits alone, at night, again.

Shuts off his memory.

He writes: “I am fine

I am fine

I am fine

open your eyes

I am fine.”

It hits me right when I open the door:
The sweet, sweet scent of rain on the pavement.
Each time I stumble upon Petrichor,
Her halo is blinding; she’s heaven-sent.
She’s friends with the bluebirds and butterflies,
The neighbor of freshly cut grass, the aunt
Of the insects, first daughter of the skies,
Leader and lover of each lovely plant…
Only ever all around you, even
When the ground is dry and for a fleeting
Moment, she’s just something to believe in;
But Petrichor and her honeyed greeting
Are worth waiting for – because here’s the thing:
They’re simply a welcoming sign of spring.

Please stand, please rise
Wipe the doubt from your eyes;
You know this is wrong.
You are your love, you are strong -
Don’t you realize?

You’ve seen them, heard their cries
Watched them stare at the skies,
So clouded, still singing their song
(Please stand).


Cut the power-woven ties,
Don’t settle for a compromise.
You know they won’t last long;
You are resilient, so strong,
And everyone is sick of the lies;
Please stand.

Were they lies, or broken promises?
The times you told me you’d stay,
But fled the moment a better opportunity
Presented itself; what can I say?

I was foolish. Time and time again,
Alone, that was where I found myself,
The walls caving in just as quickly as your
Promises, the room collapsing in on itself.

I looked up “promises” in the dictionary,
But they got it wrong; the definition should read:
“things you may have meant for a moment
But threw away so quickly…” Do you see?

Perhaps the worst was “I love you”;
An unspoken promise that leaves me crying
At your blatant disregard for my heart;
I should’ve known you were lying.

Scarlett Summers:

The air was warm
When we set out for the ocean waves
I’d slipped the cyanide into his drink
While he was jogging;
Hard work, no payoff.
And as I gripped the steering wheel,
I thought about the things
That they would say
And do
About the coffee shop girl whose lover had died
And I thought about the flowers
And the people who would bring them
And how they would say “that poor girl”
“that poor, lonely girl
Whose lover has died.”
And I smiled because
I couldn’t wait;
But as I gripped
The steering wheel
The yellow dashes on the road
Began to form
A single line
And I looked over at him;
His eyes furiously blink-blink-blinking
As he opened his mouth
And looked back at me
He struggled to breathe
As I struggled to see the road
And then to breathe as well
And suddenly
The car was upside down
And filled with gasps for life
And I thought to myself:
"Is there pity in Hell?"



Max Winters:

When I returned to the condo
She was outside the door
With my energy drink
And a beach bag
And a beautiful smile
And I began to feel bad
For pouring the bleach in her morning coffee
But later
In the car
Her smile is gone;
Fingers choking the steering wheel
And I remind myself
That it had to be done
She had to be put out of her misery
And even though she was my world
She had to leave ours
But suddenly
My train of thought was derailed
As my breaths became gasps
And my chest became an inferno
I looked over at her
But she was blurry
And then we were upside down
Our lungs now broken promises
And our eyes white lies
Built up and gone wrong
And I thought to myself:
“I hope she’ll be happy in Heaven.”

You've been this way for a while;
you know you have
I know you have.
It's like you're living in winter
whenever you're with her
and him
and all of them;
cold souls surround you
they're trying to drown you
in your own insecurities
I can see you shivering
but there's fire in your eyes
and baby, don't you know?
Flames will always melt ice.

And even if you're stuck in January,
I want you to come with me.

I wanna show you summer
I wanna show you fall
I wanna show you spring
I wanna show you everything;
what it's like to sing at the top of your lungs
and let your hair down because you're young
to love without any reasons;
I wanna show you the seasons.

It's been this way for a while;
you've been struggling
I've been noticing.
It's like a blizzard
at home
that settles down
when you're alone
until it hits you
that you're alone
to suffocate
because of your mistakes;
that smile is beautiful,
but I know it's fake.

And if you're stuck in December,
I want you to remember

I wanna show you summer
I wanna show you spring
I wanna show you fall
I wanna show you it all;
what it's like to crave somebody's skin
and not have to worry about where you've been
to love without any reasons;
I wanna show you the seasons

And when the snowflakes start falling
and nobody's calling
I hope you know
you can pick up the phone
because you're never alone.

Sweet Serendipity

you stumbled upon the pieces of me

and i'm so glad that you did;

life will never be the same.



You stumbled upon the pieces of me

i'm relearning how to to breathe

life will never be the same;

you set my heart ablaze.



I'm relearning to breathe

would've suffocated if you hadn't met me

you set my heart ablaze;

I am forever grateful that I found you.



Would've suffocated if you hadn't met me

but now inhale more easily

I am forever grateful that I found you...

Sweet Serendipity.

she is smoke
drifting, she is always drifting;
you say breathing her in hurts
but still, you inhale deeply

drifting, she is always drifting;
She disappears before you can say her name
but still, you inhale deeply
because you love her

she disappears before you can say her name
but she’ll be back again someday
because you love her
because you both can’t stay away

but she’ll be back again someday
because smoke loves the flame
because you both can’t stay away
and you love the ash in your lungs

because smoke loves the flame
you say breathing her in hurts
and you love the ash in your lungs;
she is smoke

Why didn’t he return?

This becomes the question,

the faint heat;

Why didn’t he make it?

She radiates fire;

He becomes unreachable,

futile.

He never arrived.

She is throwing whispered

rhymes across the afternoon,

burned, trying to summon courage,

but failing. She no longer wakes.

He Is Not Coming Back.

All i want is for you to sing me to sleep

rock me back and forth ever so gently

like the waves of the deep blue sea



All i need is your peaceful lullaby

healing the wounds i have inside

taking me over like high tide



You be the water and i'll be the land

you be the ocean and i'll be the sand

we'll stay side by side year round

even when the waves come crashing down



All i need to hear is a guitar strum

my silly fears i'll overcome

and you will warm me like the island sun



All i want is a tiny spark

to continue the beating of my fragile heart

and protect it like a great white shark



You be the water and i'll be the land

you be the ocean and i'll be the sand

we'll stay side by side year round

even when the waves come crashing down



Can you sing me to sleep my dear?

your voice is all i need to hear

Can you sing me a sweet farewell?

I'll listen to you like I do the shells



You be the water and i'll be the land

you be the ocean and i'll be the sand

we'll stay side by side year round

even when the waves come crashing down



and when your loving melody

sends me out into the sea

do not try to rescue me

for that is where i want to be

Icy eyes that unfroze my heart,
A riveting love from the start.
Great wings unfurled, for I was free;
You are my revered memory.

The stars have dulled, the moon won’t rise;
This loneliness brings dark grey skies.
We loved and loved so fearlessly;
You are my revered memory.

I cannot think, I cannot dream!
My heart is ripping at the seams.
I am still lost in reverie;
You are my revered memory.

Don’t think I’ll ever recover;
You were unlike any other.
And though I am in misery,
You are my revered memory.

Why won't the tears flow
why can't I cry
I am numb from the cold
and slowed by the alcohol
running through my veins,
my brain;
there is not enough
alcohol
running through
my veins;
my heart still aches -
I can feel it.
My pulse still shakes -
I can feel it
in every part of me.
And he was beautiful,
and i told you that,
and you drank a little too much
and showed me how it's done,
how i'll never be as pretty
as skinny
as enchanting

and that other boy is
beautiful,
too,
but he'd never think twice
because he's a good guy

i thought the first one
was a good guy
but he was just good
at making me feel
special

i thought the second one
was a good guy
but he was
no different
from the first

i have felt used
and i have felt
wanted

but i have never felt
needed,
never felt
loved

and sometimes
when i feel the heaviness
throughout me,
I feel like maybe i'll
find someone
who will make me
believe i'm worth it,
but it's nights like these
that make me question it,
make me wonder if maybe
i was meant to walk home
alone
in twenty degree weather
in a skin tight dress,
catcalled,
called a *****,
because apparently loneliness
equates to promiscuity,
and i suppose if i
was worth it
i wouldn't have to write
about being lonely
because i wouldn't be lonely
if i was special
if i was worth it
if i was worth
anything

Thunder rattles the ground beneath us and lightning illuminates the sky in a supernova. We are hiking; this storm is unexpected. My fear must radiate through me, because you keep glancing over at me, brow creased. Rain begins to pour, and the droplets trickle down the my face. It is humid and we are swimming in air. I cannot help but jump at each crack of thunder.
Though I am afraid
I will brave this storm with you
I will not break down
We stumble upon a creek that, if crossed, could spare us a few nature-soaked minutes. Tentatively, I stick a flip-flop foot into the water – it is freezing. I recoil in surprise. You spot something in the distance – what is it? You let go of my hand and jog to it. Running, you’re running now, back to me, with a wooden plank in hand. It cannot be a coincidence that it is the same width as the creek. But you did not know about this storm…I choose not to worry about it. Your shoes are instantly soaked with creek water, and mine are dry as I tightrope-walk across the water. We continue walking. Your car is in the distance. You are still holding my hand. You are enchanting.
Your soaked tennis shoes
Match my flip-flop harmony
Could this be true love?

She is five years old,
And her heart is sold
On a giant teddy bear;
She begs her mother,
Claiming no other
Toy is worth her tender care.

She is ten years old,
And her heart is sold
On the boy that lives next door,
As if he’s a prize
(His icy blue eyes
Are what she truly adores).

She’s sixteen years old
And her heart is sold
On that shiny, new black car
She says, “I can pay
And though I won’t stay
I will never travel far.”

She’s eighteen years old,
And her heart is sold
On a book of memories;
Her parents will cry
When she says goodbye,
But she’ll miss them - can’t they see?

Sometimes I travel

alone in my mind

in seach of an answer

a miracle find



I'll get lost in the canyons

the rocky terrain

and search for my answer

until I go insane



When I reach the old lighthouse

I always turn around

and stop searching for my answer

I walk back without a sound



As I enter the forest

that leads me back home

I thinking about my missing answer

and I feel so alone



Sometimes I come back

but today I think I won't

I thought I needed more time

but today I think I don't.

the thunder cracks above my head

it shakes me

awakens me

as i lay in bed

but today

i am not afraid



the water floods the quiet street

drowning the secrets i can't keep

carrying words and promises

across the cracked concrete



i find myself on the ground

shake me down

and soak my skin

raindrops try to seep in

but i am waterproof

bulletproof

and today

i am not afraid



i cannot open my eyes

theyre blinded by water from the raging skies

and i listen to the hum of a million melted icicles

as they surround me

they cannot drown me

because today

i am not afraid



in this storm, i will find tranquility

i will achieve

sophrosyne

i will let the rain

wash away

the pieces of me

that i do not need

in this storm, i will find simplicity

i choose to be happy

i will be

sophrosyne

These April showers
Will last for hours,
Days, weeks, until it is May,
And sweet petrichor
Leaves you wanting more…
Addicted ‘till the last day.



These flowers will bloom
In an empty room,
Fueled by the hope in the air;
A new beginning,
Children grinning,
Plenty of daylight to spare.

These days will be fair,
Making you aware
Of the life that surrounds you,
Like bright butterflies
That head for the skies…
So splendid, so vast, so blue.

I look over at my clock for the fifth time in the past hour. 2:07 a.m. I pull the sheets closer to my face, as if that alone will help me fall asleep. But, as I turn to check the clock for the sixth time, it is apparent that I won’t be sleeping anytime soon. I sigh as I get out of bed and pull on his sweatshirt. It doesn’t smell like him anymore, but if I close my eyes long enough, I can sometimes remember. Sensory recall, I think; yes, that’s what it’s called. I’d just call it love, but I guess a technical term can work, too. I head over to my window; it’s already half-open, so all I have to do is remove the screen. After setting it aside, I climb through the space linking my room to the outside world. The shingles on the rooftop are gritty against my bare feet, but I don’t mind. I just like the comfort of the nighttime summer air, with its coolness and distinct scent. I gingerly tiptoe to my favorite spot on the roof; it’s not too far from my window, but it’s the highest spot. And the highest spot is the best, because it has the best view of the sky, and all the stars that encompass it. I sit down and look up. All I see above me is a dark indigo blanket, dotted with hundreds of little shining specks. I trace them with my finger, searching for the brightest one. As I do this, I begin to talk to him.
“Hey, Ash. It’s really nice out tonight. But you probably knew that already. I miss you like crazy. School’s been rough…I’m still trying to find someone as smart as you to help me with my calculus homework. English is good, though. We have to write a paper on someone we admire. Don’t tell mom, but…I think I’m gonna write about you. There’s so much I could talk about; how you chased the monsters out of my room after dad left. How you cooked me pancakes on Sundays when mom got called in to work- and how you gave each one a chocolate chip smiley face. And then there’s the time we went sledding and I tried to use my sled like a snowboard - like you did - and fell. Remember that? I couldn’t stand up on my own, so you carried me home. You were so strong- and not just physically. You were there for me when dad left. If you hadn’t been there during that first year after he moved out… I don’t know what I would’ve done. Or what mom would’ve done, for that matter. You kept us all together, Ash. You were like the glue in our broken family. And I never did get to thank you for that. I wish I could thank you in person. You know I would if I could. There are a lot of things I would say and do and….I just miss you. So much…” I stop talking to wipe a tear from my eye. I try to stifle the sobs that are threatening to escape my mouth. I have to be strong, like Asher was. I gaze up at the sky again and continue.
“I really hope you can hear me. I’d like to think you can. Mom said that you would always see us, and hear us, and feel us…but I don’t know. I just need a sign. I need to know that you’ve heard every word I’ve said on this roof for the past six months. I need to know that you’ll hear every story I’ll share for years to come. I need to know you’re still here with me somehow.” I search the sky for an answer. Nothing. Tears stream down my face, burning like a liquid flame. He couldn’t hear me. He never has and he never will. He’ll never know how much I miss and need him.
The stars are blurry now, the tears in my eyes clouding my vision. But even with this distorted perspective, I see it. The flash- incredibly fast and incredibly bright, like a mini supernova. It was right there one second, and gone the next; just like Asher. It was a shooting star - something I hadn’t seen since he and I sat on the roof last summer. A grin spread across my face, tears still falling onto the black shingles.
“I love you, too. Goodnight, Ash.”

There was a time, a wonderful time

when I was yours and you were mine

but years have passed

and i ruined everything for myself



Of course you found another girl

who was smart and kept her entire world

instead of tossing it aside

like I wish I never did



Now here I am

reading another dumb love story

and it's not even about you

but it's suddenly about you;

I can't believe I still need you



I can't say that I've never been loved

because at one point I truly was

you never got to tell me

but I saw it in your eyes



It's been way too long

and I keep moving on

but then I see your face

and it all comes flooding back



So here I am

watching another dumb love story

and it's not even about you

but suddenly it's about you;

I can't believe I still need you



Maybe there's something wrong with me

maybe I just need the memories

to comfort me

because I have nobody

ever since I left you



Now here I am again

missing that stupid love story

that wasn't even about you

but it was always about you;

I can't believe I still need you

I grew up
reading books about
boys
who say things like,
"You're so beautiful,"
or
"God, I can't believe
I've never known you
before"
and they kiss the girl
and they fall in love
and maybe there's a struggle
somewhere in the middle
but everything is
o k a y
and in the moments after
hearing how beautiful
and wonderful
and amazing
she is,
the girl is happy,
the girl is loved,
the girl is l o v e d.

The last boy who told me I was beautiful
didn't listen
when i said
NO
and I sobbed in my own bed
for three nights
and I couldn't touch my sheets
for five
because it takes a long time
to get blood stains out
when you use the cheap washers
in the dorms.

The last boy who told me I was amazing
left me at five in the morning
and said he'd call
and even as he looked me in the eye,
I knew he wouldn't.

The last boy who told me he liked me
said so as he tried to push my head
in a direction I didn't want it to go
and it seems
that all of these compliments
are meant to be segways
into getting something more.

These compliments
have turned into warnings,
red lights,
get out,
get out,
he only wants you
for your body
and I don't know
how I am ever supposed
to believe someone
when they actually mean it
when all I know
is sugar-coated bullets.

I am reading a book
where the boy whispers
promises between kisses
and I realize
I have never kissed anyone in
the light
and I am numb inside
and I do not want to be called
beautiful
anymore because to me
that means I am
about to be shot.

I'd always thought you were just a pretty face

a beautiful smile gone to waste

hooked on drugs

and lost from love

I'd always known you were a runaway



I'd always thought that you were a tease

'till I read those words that terrified me

because they were incredible

and beautiful

and they were written by a runaway



You're so close to perfect

and I'd tell you why

but right about now

you're probably high

a beautiful disaster

you're like a slant rhyme

and no matter how hard I try

I can't let myself get away from you

you teenage runaway

I want to run away with you



Shame on me for assuming you weren't smart

now i'm dodging the danger, the poison darts

'cause you're so close to everything

that i think i might need



Shame on me for writing this song

it doesn't feel right, and I know that it's wrong

and i wouldn't dare to believe

that what I dream could be a reality



you're so close to perfect

and I'd tell you why

but right about now

you're probably high

a beautiful disaster

you're like a slant rhyme

and no matter how hard I try

I can't let myself get away from you

you teenage runaway

I want to run away with you



I don't understand you

but I want to

and I want you to know

that I don't give a ****

what you do when you're alone

because I don't want you to be alone



You're such a mystery

you've got a hook on half of me

I'm not sure what i'm seeing when our eyes meet

but i'm praying, i'm praying that it could be

the chance i promised i'd take one day



You're so close to perfect

and I'd tell you why

but right about now

you're probably high

a beautiful disaster

you're like a slant rhyme

and no matter how hard I try

I can't let myself get away from you

you teenage runaway

I want to run away with you



You and your contradictions

you imperial affliction

you teenage runaway

I want to run away with you

You scared me, Augustus, you really did;
I hate the feeling of smoke in my lungs, and yet
I found myself wishing I was cancer-free
So I could stand with you as you pulled out a cigarette.

But you just held it there between your lips;
It was the epitome of a metaphor,
And I stood there in utter disbelief,
Wanting more and more and more.

And the more I got, the more I loved -
Even your horrid driving (I’d drive with you
Until the end of time, Augustus, it wasn’t your
Time, Augustus, I’ll say it again, “I do.”).

These tears are a side effect of love,
And the fault was in our stars, but someday
We will unite again, Augustus, because our
Love is immeasurable and immortal, okay?

Here is the thing:

I do not want to be your favorite thing. I want to be one of them, but not your only.
I do not want to always be your last thought before your eyes flutter to a close at night. I'd like to be on your mind, but not always, not always the last thing.
I do not want to be your first hello and your last goodbye. I want to be a part of the conversation.
I do not want to be your passion. I want to be the only one who can pull you away from your greatest passion. I want to be your greatest distraction.
I do not want to be the center of your world. I want to be a continent, an ocean, a landmark. I want to be a part of something bigger.
I do not want to occupy the entirety of your heart. I want to fit into your heart in a way that if I were to leave, you'd feel the gasping loss of me, but you would carry on.

You see, this is the thing:
I do not want to be The Greatest Thing. I want to be Something.

there was a time when i was invincible

but sitting here today, i feel so cynical

getting out of this alive will be a miracle;

how did i end up this way?



I think i do remember now,

the who, the why, the when, the how;

all of these people let me down;

are you starting to catch on?



Don't grow up, it's all a lie

you'll get your wings, but you can't fly

and to the barren ground you're tied

left alone to sit and cry

'cause freedom is nothing but the freedom to choose

whether your drown your sorrow in tears or *****

and even when you win, you lose

life knocks the life right out of you.



On the side of the road on friday night

i'm feeling a little less than alright

hoping that maybe a flame will ignite;

why is everything so loud?



as i watch the cars zoom by,

i forget that there are people inside

speeding and driving and living their lives

seeing the world through a million new eyes



I'm not sure how I got this low

I'm not sure where I'm gonna go

I'm not sure if I'll ever know

why happiness decided to go.



Don't grow up, it's all a lie

you'll get your wings, but you can't fly

and to the barren ground you're tied

left alone to sit and cry

'cause freedom is nothing but the freedom to choose

whether you drown your sorrows in tears or *****

and even when you win, you lose

life knocks the life right out of you



So don't grow up, just stay right there

because life is rough and it doesn't care;

it'll tie you to your own tracks and leave you there,

to wallow in your own despair

and happiness will never share;

the bottom line is, life's not fair.

I am a heavily folded
sheet of stationery.
A Roman
nobleman.
She is
so
so
sick.
You are
Shakespeare;
you are
wrong.
It took me
f o r e v e r
to decode:
The fault is
NOT
in our stars,
but in
ourselves.

She is a letterhead.
She is in
my empty bed.
She is
enough.

The vase sits on the counter by the window. I cry every time I look at it. This wound is still too fresh; how long will it take for a scar to form? Of course I remember it like it was yesterday; a week is not long at all, though it feels like it's been an eternity. The movie had just ended when I checked my phone. A few hours later, I was back at home. So was she. But not in the way I wanted her to be. We just sat around the table and cried that night. How can you feel a sense of impending doom when your world has already crashed down around you? There was no funeral. No service. No gathering. Nobody stopped by to express their sorrow or pay their respects. No flowers, food, or cards were received. All we got was a vase. I don't think I'll ever stop wondering whether the heaviness in my steps in the two hundred feet from the car to the counter came from the weight of her ashes or the weight of missing her.

I will miss your paws
I will miss your wagging tail
I'll miss all of you

Things they used to say:
“Poetry is gay”
“Nobody likes a bookworm”
“That’s an awful song”
“You do not belong”;
Their taunts were painfully firm.

Things I used to think:
“How do they not know
Edgar Allan Poe?”
“Why do they stare when I write?”
“What is wrong with me?”
“What can I not see?”
I was always stuck in night.

Things I know today:
I still love the way
Words and music intertwine,
And despite their words
(And though they still hurt),
I’m perfectly fine.

I met you in the sixth grade. I do not remember the first words we spoke, or if you asked my name or vice versa. I do, however, recall us being paired together for every science project. I don't have to close my eyes to remember the pre-summer heat beating down on my skin (which was pale in comparison to your natural tan) as we laid rulers along the pavement outside the school to measure how far our "car" could go. I remember smiling. I remember laughing. I couldn't tell you if it was a joke you made or something the teacher said, but I remember being happy.

Seventh grade came and went. We did not speak. I missed you a little, but not too much. I was only 13 and had never loved you.

I walked into my second bell on the first day of eighth grade and saw you sitting in the second seat in the second row (**** me for remembering little things like that). You smiled and said hi and I smiled and said hi and that was it. We never talked much in that class, in all honesty; your best friend sat behind you, as did mine behind me, and we really only asked each other for help on homework questions. But I didn't mind. I didn't have anything to miss. I had never really loved you.

Fast forward to February (still a timid little eighth grader). My best friend that sat behind me so many months ago had a boyfriend and I was lonely. I do not know what prompted me to do this, or where the courage came from, but one day, I decided I wanted to talk to you again. I texted five different people to get your number (desperation? Never), and before I knew it I had sent a message saying that I "hoped you remembered me and that I hadn't talked to you in a while and how had you been?" An immediate response sent shockwaves through my body :" hey :) I've been good." And for the first time since the fall of that year, I began to feel happy again.

It was now April and we were at the local amusement park with friends. My best friend, feeling clever, decided to start a "hand holding chain" in an attempt to get me to hold yours. It worked. I had never held a boy's hand before. Yours was bigger than mine, and warm, and I had to physically stop myself from smiling. But I was also terrified, because in that moment, I realized how much I liked you, and how much I never wanted you to let go of my hand.

May 15, 2010: I remember the conversation perfectly.
You: so who do you like?
Me: I'll tell if you tell
You: I asked you first
Me: I asked you second
You: doesn't count.
(here comes a supernova of bravery)
Me: alright. I hope this doesn't make things awkward, but...I guess I kinda like you (:
(an intense wave of fear and relief crash over me)
You:  :)
And that was the day I began to feel loved.

May 19, 2010: We are at the park by our school (with friends, of course). My friends are telling me to kiss you. I can't do that. I'm much too terrified. You look at me from across the playground and smile. I think I love you but I'm not sure because I'm only fourteen. My best-friend-who-has-a-boyfriend  walks me to the top of the hill we had gone sledding on over the winter - and pushes me down it. Not hard enough to fall, but enough to send me half-jogging-nearly-tripping all the way down to the bottom. And you, being the superhero that you were, chased after me. I began to make my ascent back up the hill, but you grabbed my hand. You said that we should take a walk through the woods instead. My palms become incredibly sweaty and my heart stops but I say okay and we begin to walk. You know all of the paths because you run cross country and you go through these woods all the time every fall. I know none of these paths and I am very scared. You tell me you have a surprise for me and you lead me to a path that ends at a shelter. I walk underneath it and see initials etched into the wood. I'm reading the ones above me when, suddenly, your arms are around my waist. I jump. "What's wrong?" you ask. I don't know. I don't know why that scared me. I say "nothing," but I'm shaking - visibly. You look worried and step away. I want to cry. I turn around to apologize and perhaps try to explain, but your face is so close to mine and I'm thinking you might kiss me and even though I really want to kiss you, I walk away. You follow. We say nothing. Then it starts to rain. We're by a creek now. There's a wooden board right next to our feet (I **** you not). You pick it up and lay it so I can use it as a bridge as we cross over to the other side. You're still holding my hand. I'm still shaking. We're in a clearing now. I think we're close to that hill. I begin to walk but, once again, you grab my hand. I do not turn around this time. I am frozen in fear. I can feel your breath on my neck as you whisper in my ear, "I don't know how to do this very well, but..." and your hand cups the side of my face and I begin to turn around and suddenly I'm panicking and shaking and I run - literally run - away from you. And I have never hated myself more. I should have been happy, but I wasn't.

A few weeks later, we are standing on a bridge. You're behind me. You put your arms around me. I am wearing your beaded necklace from Hawaii ("it's not a necklace," you'd say, "because necklaces are for girls). I do not flinch. I am happy. Something about you put me at ease after I became more aware of your presence and your scent and the way your hand fit in mine. And I was happy.

Four years later, I don't have to close my eyes to remember the text I sent you after I fell in love with you. I told you that I had heard a rumor that you liked someone else and I didn't want to date you anymore (I had never believed the rumor). I was afraid of finally being close to someone, and probably other things, and I sent you away. I'm typing this incredibly long recollection and I'm realizing there are so many more little stories I could tell about us, and how even though I was only fourteen I do believe I loved you, because you were the first person I was able to give my love to. I hope your girlfriend now appreciates you, because I know I do even though you're gone. I never got to kiss you, but I still loved you more than I love hot cocoa after catching snowflakes on my tongue, and that should say more than all of these words ever will.

There are certain people, who, when you look at them, all you see is the past. You don't notice that they cut their hair or got their braces off, or that they're a little taller than when you last saw them. You look at them and see the first time you two hung out, or the first time you kissed. Suddenly, you're five-ten-fifteen again, laughing and smiling and happy. You look into their eyes and all you see are memories. They are standing there, right in front of you, in real time - and all you can see is what used to be...and maybe what could have been. And it hurts. Old friends and lovers alike can turn your eyes into a time machine. They're the people you grew up with and thought would never change. The people who left even though they still live next door. They're the people you hate to love and love to miss.

Time laughs on an airplane
Knowing things will never be the same
For them, two best friends,
Dancing like there will be no end,
Like Life will always be tame.

But, ah, there’s the flame!
Only memories will remain
(They will burn until they break);
Time laughs.

It all feels like a race, a game
They look back at it all with such disdain;
They used to dance, used to send
Each other letters, would defend
Each other’s names…
Time laughs.

And I felt my lips crack,
broken from the cold
and lack of contact

And I felt my heart crack
two nights ago,
bare legs sprawled on the tile,
heaving,
throwing up everything
that didn't make me forget
about you,
and you would never love
a girl like me
and I don't
blame you.

You can feel your heart breaking.

I watch you walk away
and wonder how you don't know
how much I love you,
because I've all but run to you with
arms wide open,
screaming "YOU MAKE ME WANT
TO CHANGE MYSELF TO CHANGE THE WORLD
TO BE OKAY TO BE FREE TO BE
IN LOVE AND NOT BE AFRAID YOU MAKE
ME FEEL ALIVE."

You can feel your heart breaking.

And maybe I'll hold you when she breaks
your heart,
wipe away tears when you fall asleep
so the rainfall doesn't wake you,
and maybe you'll never let me be the
one to keep your heart whole,
but you'll always be the one
who shatters mine and puts it back together
all at once, always, I'll feel like this always,
feel my heart breaking.

Love like paper cuts,
Stuck in endless ruts,
Frostbite in the heat of June;
Shattered crystal doors,
Oil covered floors,
Lonely in a crowded room.
  
Love like Friday night -
Strike a match, ignite
Everything we see and feel;
Endless summer skies,
Your glittering eyes…
None of it was ever real.
  
Love like caution signs,
Walking fragile lines,
Blindfolded on a tightrope;
Hanging by a thread,
Ignoring the red,
Still clinging to my last hope.

"Twinkle twinkle, little star
how I wonder what you are"

I know exactly what this one is
right above me
like a mini supernova;
it's the story
of a boy
and a girl
who loved each other
so much
that they wouldn't mind
if the world
collapsed
under the sun
because they only ever
wanted each other

"up above the world so high,
like a diamond in the sky"

and this one, too;
it reminds me of you
and how you used to sing me songs
that you made up
as you went along
and you drove along
the broken roads
with me
and please,
won't you come back?
I miss you more
than I miss being able
to name the constellations

"twinkle twinkle, little star
how I wonder what you are"

and how I wonder
whatever became of us.

Imagine honeybees drunk on heaven.

She says, “Don’t you ever stop believing.”

Imagine thousands of stars whispering,

“You are beautiful.”

She says, “Navigating the earth is a danger

I expect you to face.”

Imagine angels passing gentle and cool at the gates.

Imagine a ragged chain of promises Imagine people

ten kilometers above the kingdoms Imagine no danger

Imagine no war Imagine Imagine Imagine.

She says, “You are ultraviolet.”

Under the old oak tree we stood
Counting stars, as if we would
Be able to number them all,
As if one day the sky wouldn’t fall;
Falling in love? Maybe we could.

Tried so hard to make it good,
To make it work like we thought it should,
To ignore the pain that did befall,
Under the old oak tree.

Two leftovers, misunderstood
And we mistook the peeling wood
For a savior (from our fall);
But it was inevitable, our curtain call…
Under the old oak tree.

She pulled the ribbon
(gently, of course)
until it was perfectly centered
on the top of the plain brown box
and she placed it on his doorstep
(gently, of course)

She hid behind the trees
across the street
eyes peeking,
mind wandering;
where was he?

She waited
and watched
and waited
and watched
as people walked by
and packages were delivered;
but nobody took notice of
the small brown box
with the pretty ribbon
at the top

And she watched him
hug girls
that she knew didn't love him
and she watched him
kiss girls
that surely had sour lips
and she watched him
kick the little brown box
with the ribbon on top
to the side;
and she cried,
"please be gentle,
my heart is inside!"

But the boy didn't hear her
as she collapsed, broken
because the gift of her love
would never be opened.

Unable to fly,
unable to
shimmer in
the light.
I move like a
d r e a m,
soundless.
Icy air makes
me feel
e x t r a o r d i n a r y.
I finally have
s o m e t h i n g.
I've woken up
i n v i n c i b l e.
Purple,
plum,
almost black -
the bleating
in my heart
without anyone,
made for me,
custom,
s k i n t i g h t.

It
was
a
gift.

What if i just left this house

took the car and drove downtown

and watched the lights glow all around

the sleepless, dreamless city?



what if i just cut the cord

left this land and stepped aboard

a ship just as it left its port

not knowing where i'm going



and what if you were next to me

as i drove through the quiet city?

and what if you were holding my hand

as i departed from the corrupted land?



what if i just moved away

a sudden, risky getaway

so i could maybe breakaway

from the life i'm sick of living



what if i just said goodbye?

would you miss me, would you cry?

would a single tear drop from your eye?

would you hug me one last time?



and what if you were still next to me

like you were back when the air wasn't misty

and what if you hadn't let me run away

what if you had kissed me?

Shouldn't have worn that ****** blue dress -
I was asking for it.
and no,
I don't mean it in that way.

I was asking for someone to see me
the way I want people to see me;
but what a flawed idea that was.
How can I ask that of others
when I do not even know
who I am?

I shouldn't have stayed outside until 3 a.m. -
I was asking for it.

I practically begged for someone to save me,
"show me your armor,
look at me,
such a damsel in distress,
reading isn't a good escape,
so won't you rescue me,
baby?"

And This Is What I Got:

your eyes
(I couldn't look away)
your smile
(still staring)
your touch
(I began to doze off)


This Is What I Did Not Get:
your number
(the first sign)
your love
(I am such a fool)

This Is What I Saw:
the prettier version of me
+
you,
in a picture,
all smiles,
two
days
later.

This Is What I Learned:
do not wear your favorite dress
outside while reading a book
in the early hours of the morning
unless you want to learn
the hard way
that sometimes,
being caught
hurts worse
than falling.

Looking back,
I wish I hadn’t yearned for this;
I gave all my Innocence
To unrelenting Reality.

I wish I hadn’t yearned for this;
I gave half my heart
To unrelenting Reality,
And now I’m left with memories.

I gave half my heart
Dangerously close to falling apart
And now I’m left with memories;
I wonder if I could’ve saved myself.

Dangerously close to falling apart;
Why wasn’t I warned at the start?
I wonder if I could’ve saved myself,
Looking back.

you're so starry eyed,
a galaxy in the sky,
dropping crystals when you cry,
the definition of why.

your skin has a sunny glow,
and I'm searching for your halo.
my darling, don't you know
that you're why the wind blows?

and I see nothing wrong,
with your hair when it gets long
we'd top the charts with our love song;
I just hope you'd sing along

do a three-sixty,
how did you miss me?
and why can't you see,
I'm everything you want me to be?

I'll rough the stormy weather,
and I'll travel to wherever;
just as long as we can be together,
and fall in love until forever.

The polaroid says you are exquisite,
With your midnight hair and sapphire eyes,
Your rose petal lips, oh so delicate,
And the sound of your voice (what lovely lies).
And I can’t argue; it was me, after
All, who swooned at the mere sight of you, who
Got lost in the tan of your skin, your laugh,
The way you said my name and you, you, you.
But the camera couldn’t see your heart,
Fiery red, from all the stolen love,
Kisses and hugs you collected like art,
Displayed in places I only dreamed of
(your mind, I dreamt of it so often, I
Regret those nights, I wish I hadn’t cried).