In bed while you and your little minx snuggle smoosh and snore.
Im usally  ******* outta my mind.
So why not reach for the phone  cause  im tired of a same old
conversation with the floor.

One ring, two rings, four.
Bet she's off  *******  some lucky *******.
Who's this 3423  wait wrong number i knew
my angel wasnt just some cheap *****.

The rooms  running in circles course maybe thats just me.
Hey wonder what tommys up to.
Dude what you so ****** about?
It's  not my fault after you dated my
sister you can light a forrest fire with your ***.

Another shot of Jack okay maybe ten.
And much like like grandpa on ****** .
My ***** thoughts mentally aroused again.

On a quest i called  Rebecca ,Taylor,Mickey,Minnie and
some drag queen named  Tina , or Sue
Baby many  hangovers will probaly not recall my journey
drunk dialing my way back to you.

Spin the  the bottle with next door neighbors  dog.
Watching youtube  such high class watching a monkey
***** a frog.

Alvin and the chipmunks  sure dont sing as good
in *** of boiling water.
Sure was awkward  asking my cousin is it okay
if I date your daughter.

911 i have a emergency im gonna run outta beer  and the VCR
ate my ****.
Help honey im lost  and i feel ive been ***** by Justin Bieber  and
the other children of the corn.

Officer   it's kinda strange to ask for number  he just blew.
Honey  i got fleas and i think  something worse than Bieber fever
I hope this is love for im drunk dialing my way back to you.

Hello who's this  um if you dont know  I'll give ya a guess.
Im the G but not the spot.
But they say after a few drinks and some minor head trauma
im really hot.

Hey Skeeter  if your in bed then who the **** am I callin?
Jesus  , Charlie  Chaplin , Mr Ed,  And that  loveable Stalin.
looks like Ive had to many crystal **** rice crispi treats.
Yeah I know   I should have my own show  on the food channle.
For  all the plump *******  showing them really healthy eats.

Sugar **** my quest   was much like *** with a  normal person
yeah no whips, chains, police chase's   or  romantic music by 2 live crew.
Yes sugar it's no wonder you didnt answer the phone.
Btw I puked under the bed  dont worry it was the neighbors
All while drunk dialing my way back to you.

Sugar ***** the ribbon but feel free to wear  the bow.
Hey who turned off the lights.
It's much more fun to get in touch with your feelings in the dark if ya didnt know.

Forget the missletoe lets ***** under the tree.
Why it's a holiday **** in times square.
Yeah thats feels awsome but im not sure if that was you or me.

Im in the spirt pass the Jack  and let's play hide the yule log
every Santa  loves a ** ** **.
Let's make the naughty list  for a couple of years in one night.
Sugar yes Santas happy to see ya if ya didnt know.

Ring goes the bell, no dude im getting laid so I could care less what ya got.
ten grams for the ****** and for my stoners one pound of ***.
It's the time for giving sugar and ya no they say it's better to give than recive.
No wonder Santa's  so dam happy if only ever day was Christmas Eve.

No need to hang that stocking cause something else is gonna get stuffed tonight.
Why miss Santa in that dress  the elves can almost see your Reindeer.
yes kids i know im not right.

Its a party for two no shirt or shoes required
Deck the halls hey why not invite your sister holly.
It's playtime at the north pole hell no wonder this ***** elf is so Jolly.

On ya little hampsters we must go.
Hey its more than just snow that does blow.
Yes holidays are hell  well for most sure spike the punch
i'll pass on the cookie.
Forget the gifts cause all i want is some holiday nookie.

Drinking allnight  just to get right.
She claims she never but it sure dont seem tight.
Im half off the wagon but I just went for the ride
Passed out at the keyboard found out  a friend  called hello died.

Went to the funeral what did I see.
A ****** new place it did appear to me.
One for the road okay i took the case.
Hopped in the coffin.
felt like i just came back from outter space.

If your camper's rockin.
Better hope your husban dont come a knockin.
cause bulletes leave ya sore.
So just hide in the floor.
Cause if your dead it's pretty tuff to get some more.

I like beer and poetry what else did ya think i'd say.
like a kid throwin rocks at a hornet's nest
nest with danger i will always play.

Im guessing my wife must be outta school.
Honey you can ride the bus for free.
No need to blow the teacher and being he's the janitor it's not really cool.

I like beer and pushing the envelope what can i say.
just cause you like to snuggle on fishing trips
people call ya gay.

I write like a demon sometimes i even think.
When did God invent *******?
Come on lets mix a drink.

Cartoons are great ever watch fritz the cat?
got busted last week trying to spend some alone time.
guees it's not cool to ******* in a laundrymat.

Wow im so impressed okay maybe not.
Love the new site.
Wonder if the new designer  on his meds
are really doesnt care to think alot.

Wonder if my new will stay.
I love beer and poetry
What else did you ***** little  hamsters really think i'd say?

It's really hard to see the world when you cant even leave the house.
No im not staring at your ***'s just admiring the uhh fabric of that blouse.

Mickey mouse sure is a ***** since he started doing crack.
Put minnie out on the street.
Daisy's out there to ?
im not even gonna say what I seen her do with pluto
but i want my money back.

Crystal **** and coffee starbucks really has changed.
Really Tommy  stop slipping your sister the tongue.
Really dont look at it as lynched prisoner why not think of it as
well hung.

Im sorta demented and well just not right
everyone admits.
I hope this isnt to forward but hey can i see your ***'s
You can swear you were just drunk sweetheart but Gonzo
never forgets.

Hey thank God for night vision and my sugar's drunken mother.
Boy naked twister sure is awkward.
Watching three mules with sister Sara and my wife's
kinda well sensitive brother.

Im one of a kind  thank the lord.
A pervert of  the ages.
Gotta thank my mom and dad  and jack dainels
such magic was created that night in back of
the sizzler  in that old ford.

Im a old G and not the spot.
Drinking till my liver kicks out.
Heaven isnt my style besides everyone knows
its in hell my wicked mind shall forever rot.

He  should be banned every pen named
complaining time of the month  *****  submits.
If ya hate me your wasting your time sugar britches.
Keep on talkin  cause kidies Gonzo never forgets

When i was ten I asked mom to hire a stripper instead I got a sitter.
Still I saved my allowence in hopes cause im no quiter.
In highschool I got busted drinking in the parking lot.
So I ratted on the teachers on the lounge who to which I sold ***.

My first girfriend was math teacher.
She said I was the devil dumped my **** now she's the wife of a preacher.
Its hell to drink alone thats why you can find me at the bar.
that guy cutting jokes hitting on anything in a skirt yeah hampsters you know who I are.


I been behind bars for some things I say I didnt do.
Trouble loves me so.
Im at christmas like santa how I love a **.
cant figure my direction to the this mystery you really dont need a clue.

Got eight dui's fifteen drunken in public a partridge and a pair tree.
When the judge asked son are you insane.
My reply was hell amigo im just being me.

I borrwed a car and took it for a short five state trip.
And when the cop pulled me in Atlanta I just raised my glass and asked hey friend wanna sip.
They call me Gonzo.
I love whiskey strippers and *******.
Ive dated a **** star  who left me cause she was worried id hurt her image
cause she  thought I might be insane.

Burned down the highschool for lack of nothing better to do.
Yeah schools out  wanna marshmellow  mister long fellow.
I'll pass on the long walk on the beach why not just head for the dunes and have a
cheap *****.

***** old man whos still kinda young.
Living till I die  lets hit the bar I'll take another hit till im in the iron lung.
Im so good at being bad.
***** the truth just make up how many ya had.

One last round till I hit the ground.
Do ya ever wonder how it would be.
To cast care to the wind and hang with me?

Nobody likes ya well sure i do.
Well maybe till I wreck your car  call you at four in the morning to ask hey ya sleeping?
Light fire to the forest just taking a **** and borrow your life savings maybe throw a party at your expense.
Just have some innocent fun and forget to check ID's.
Tape the preachers daughter  getting nauthy sell it straight to dvd.
look a girls got expenses im just saying someone slap me.

So really wanna hangout?
Come on im not that bad trust me.
Im worse.

So enjoy that life so normal  take your pills.
Work your **** off for the weekend and sleep ease as you nap.
That you really dont run with the Gonzo
So stay crazy hampsters and of course avoid the clap.


                          Cheers from your favorite
                                         Madman

Sweet rejection a simple pinch and slap in the face.
Drunken splendor  and a ***** floor.
Some woman I dont care to know why do I always
find myself in this ****** up place.

Puff Puff Pass.
Wild Turkey loud music im such a happy sleeze
with not a hint of class.
Lean of over the bar my dear you fill my thought's and i your glass.


I walked when I was ten.
Runaway in New Orleans dont belive I could do that one again
Two packs a day and a shakey hand.
Midnight drives strippers in arm bar's
with floor's of sand.

Im not ment for long but sugar im here now.
Drinkin till I die fields of my past been burried
long ago under plow.

Dance in happiness die without regret.
My friends names tattoo my thoughts.
Richard ,Rach,Baths,Lily,Paula how can I ever forget.

******* up perfection is I.
A perfect losser who could care less.
How could you ever shed a tear when I die?

Rearview babydoll backseat queen.
Stay crazy in this cold place.
Skeeter do you still dream in your beauty so tormented
and obscene.

Where all perfect for are flaws.
Barstool will be forever empty.
Im tried but always eager to fall down for a
half naked body or a fellow lunatics cause.

Gonzo do ya know how they see ya outside thoose glasses
so dark.
The partys jester  spirt of a eternal teen.
Empty cans hold court by the lake of lovers lane
where still they park.

Richard a bottle  and friendship forever i'll share.
Insane is a buddy but never worry.
Cause even a falldown drunk does care.

So sad is the fading light bitter the moment.
But perfect isthe ****** up song though.
Kids dont let em break ya you stay crazy.

And I'll forever be Gonzo.

Passed out on a diffrent floor.
Honey  I know I didnt call  but i thinks aliens  abducted me
cause my **** is glowing and **** is  sore.

Jack Daniels  is my designated driver.
Im a pervert in trainning.
Five ex wives,  ten affairs  and a slipped disk  in my back you
go tiger.

A permanet batchelor  and  permanet offender oh how very sad.
Shake your head say what you will.
But if we were good who would be bad.

Im so fargone i have no choice but to stay crazy.
Sure i remember your name.
Rebecca ,Sarah, Vicky, Susan, it's gotta be one of thoose
wait let me see oh yes Daisy.

Just outta rehab boy i could use a drink!
Do i know Lindsy?
Got drugs?
what the **** do you think?

It's  cold outside and for a overpriced beer  and a stripclub i always
thirst.
Outta all the voices in my head  im pretty much the worst.

im not your next door neighbor isnt your  liqour  cabinet, your daughter, your wife ,your grandma  pretty much everyone and you included glad?
Change my ways sugar ***'s?
What we must ask   children  if i was good than  how the **** could ever be this bad.

Relaxing nights wine and flowers.
Love is priceless yet that ******* esscort service always wants to count the hours.
A kiss and a hug and please swipe here.
You may be charming Candy but your gonna bankrupt me dear.

Sure I'll go the extra mile.
But she wont have none unless my credit card is on file.
Why my dear must you tax this relationship cant you see what it's doing to me.
So what if your a esscort?
Is not love supposed to be free?

Sure you know some really kick *** tricks.
Im sure you had lots of practice .
Dealing with demented ******.

Now my times up and its your time to go.
You mean your only in it for the money and your names really not **** Magee
how would anyone ever know.

You may scratch your head and question how could this relationship ever work.
Because your naughty ******  and me a drunken ****.
Well my vice I have to say.
If this conversation is on the clock  then you really need to go the **** away.

But if in another world I wouldnt ask you to change just bring that over worked ****
and money home to me.
It's hell being a broke ***** hampster who doesnt ever get love for free.

So go on my dear ***** no need to say goodbye.
Im sure your as heartbroken as you leave me in the dust.
No im not crying it's just your porsch flung a rock into my eye.

If only the tables were turned and I had the power.
I'd say ***** *****
and charge ten thousand a hour.

The party was great but afterwards is but a hangover headed south.
A wrong turn  a strange bed even I dont get the words slurred from this drunks mouth.
To young and just right.
Today we break the ruloe's and bask in rewards of this awkward fight.

Im a character in a paint drying scene.
I'll tickle more than a fancy if ya know what i mean.
Hey I think she's loose hell so am I.
Tagged the town ***** and me just another demented slightly insane guy.

My hearts a backroad ruff to the ride.
Hey i said Id return hell why does everyone run and hide?
Sure i say forever but how bout tonight.
My love a airport and this plane needs to take flight.

Are you okay you seem a little off my dear?
It's okay its seems i have that effect on everyone here.
T is fr TEXAS  and P for Portland ya perves.
He doesnt crash but often swerves.

My love life is like Christmas its overpriced and over to fast.
Course when your paying by the hour guess its okay for the party not to last.

Im cheap as a motel and more messed up than the carpet inside.
I'd make even the devil blush if ***** deeds in him i should ever confide.
My love's like a backroad so they say.
A great place to dump the body  but honestly who the **** would ever wanna stay.

Like old junk stored away from sight.
We cast away never did we bid farewell as well
as we did lastnight.

Traggic lines always captured you best.
No matter the number I willl forever adore you above  
all the rest.

Blame it on them or maybe just choose me.
Of all the tales spun none match this.
For what never was, was never to be.

Old flames fires that smolder still.
Cast the stones repressed emotions.
So broken once the  man who's lost that iron will.

I remember whenever I choose to not lie.
Maybe we seek us in every other  watred down try.

Pages past so far I still have yet to erase.
The scent of regret tattred is my soul kept
like some worn photograph  still it shows your face.


For so long it was a burden but with dying breath
he was set free.
Played out by the band.
What never was.
Would never be.