i feel sick and hateful
for all the damage i've caused
without meaning to
but i will admit
that the deeper parts of my soul
desire things i can never have
and perhaps that is where
the endless destruction
i have wrought
comes from

that isn't me
the mirror isn't me
it's showing a shadow of a girl
a wisp of a thing
someone who is broken
whose body cannot support her heart
whose brain is hardwired for self-loathing
and hatred
this body is weak
and fragile
the spirit it houses is relegated to its corner
do not come loose
do not come near me
the desires i have are killing me
slowly
killing me
these arms these legs
these hands
beg for what i will not give it
i have become a slave
of my own mind
break these chains
and let me free

a quilt over these mountains
covering everything while they sleep
so deeply
tree and flowers and animals
resting their tired bodies
and weary heads
i'll rest too
for a while
my body is tired
my head is weary
i am not so different from these beasts
we have struggled this year
to protect ourselves
to provide
to grow and change in preparation for
our futures
these few weeks we're given
at the close of every year
to renew ourselves are a precious gift
appropriately timed
a gift from a father who is very far
and yet very close
all at once
rest now
with me
prepare for the changes ahead
the growing pains we will feel
the twists and turns in our hearts
and the ways our souls will stretch
to accommodate the new encounters
and new love
we face
this is the time for rest
and quiet growth
reflection and love
as we come together with friends and family
while the world is white
and the mountains are silent
all flora and fauna preparing for
the renewal of spring

rushing into it headfirst
only caused me heartache
stupid stupid stupid
all my sacrifices were nothing, no,
less than nothing to you
in the end how could i ever
expect more than betrayal from you

do you ever feel yourself drowning
but you don't know what is pulling you under
only that you can't breathe
and your legs are kicking at the restraints
but nothing is happening

do you ever wake up with a lump in your throat
but no remembrance of how it got there or why
not even a hint of a dream to guide your thoughts
only the feeling that your heart is broken
and your lungs are collapsing

do you ever feel yourself slow down
body and mind stuck in a mire of subconscious thoughts
thoughts about your faults and weaknesses
the battles you've lost
and the bodies you've left behind

do you ever feel aches and pains in all your body
but no altercation to explain where the hurt comes from
aches in your shoulders and elbows even down to your toes
your hair follicles are sensitive and your lips are dry
skin that feels like a million pinpricks

today i am all of the above

when i felt weak
encouragement spilled from your lips
never did i fear
the darkness of my future
for you taught me well

pain in my chest
no not that kind
i hurt
physically
yes
but deeper
and more to the right
yes there
feel it?
my heart beats a little slower
the cracks are slowing it down
i thought they were sealed up
didn't you?
i thought they were mended
i suppose i was wrong
this pain is self inflicted
a deeper sting
i could take a slap in the face
a bullet to the back
or a knife across my throat
but this?
not this
not this
when the pain is of my own doing
it causes jagged scars
and deep deep wounds
wounds that take ages to heal
if they heal at all
but i will take it
i'll hold onto this pain
as a reminder of all the ways
i have hurt myself
and you
and everyone i love

I want experiences I shouldn't,
Can't,
Have.

I want someone I shouldn't,
Can't,
Want.

I'm weak.
So very weak.
My cravings threaten to tear me up.
They tell me I'm not enough
Without her.
That I will be empty
If I do not
Kiss
Touch
Taste
Her.

So I will be empty.

i shiver
my body shakes
with the ice that has
filled my veins
it's cold
very cold
this self doubt
and insecurity
i would be better off
exposed to the elements
the ones that howl and
shake and ice
everything over
than the ones inside my
chest and stomach
that chill me from the
inside out

red cheeks and
shaking hands
i will learn my lesson
one way or another
with sharp edges
and scalding touch
maybe i can rid myself of the
black shadow that has
taken up residence in
my chest
then maybe
just maybe
i can begin to make things
right

i have a deep hunger
rooted in my chest like a tangle of thorns
i need to feed it
i do not want meat
nor milk
i do not want those in my body
i hunger for less
less of me
a smaller space to occupy
how dare i take up more than my fair share
i will shrink myself
to fit the space i have deemed appropriate
and beautiful
these legs are too big
these arms are too large
my cheeks too round
these curves
cut them off
these soft spots
make them firm
shrink me
shrink me
make me disappear

you promise you won't
leave me
and i believe you

Can we
Lie together for
A few moments,
Let our fingers
Intertwine
While our hearts
Heal,
Listen to
The sound of
Even breathing
And silent thought,
And just
Be?

You are scared
I know
Your hands shake
Your eyes close
Your shoulders tense
As you worry yourself
Sick
Over doubts
And insecurities
Old wounds
And a past
That haunts you

But allow me
If you will
To take those fears
And cast them
So far away
Into the dark night
I will hold
You close
Inside of my heart
Forget your past
And look forward
With me

i feel too big for this body
the universe couldn't contain me
how could i expect your heart
to be large enough
for the being that i am

quiet heart
sleep now
rest your weary eyes
and look forward to
the brightness of
a new day
and a future
we will share

you had a way out
of ******* loneliness
i was your way
i loved you
i tried
i ripped my life apart
for you
and it wasn't enough
split my skin
and heart in half
and it still wasn't enough
what would have finally healed your stupid loneliness?
because lord knows i was
never ******* enough

a rose
by any other name
wouldn't

but wouldn't it?
thorns that left me bleeding
pricked and raw
wounds that won't heal
no matter how i care for them
a dangerous garden
which had no posted warning sign
i went in blindly
no
not blindly
just stubbornly lustful
for what i would find within
eyes closed willingly to the
hurt
that i would surely endure
well now i'm sorry
regretful as my tears fall
like blood
from so many wounds
no
i will accept my fate
i will live with my choice
and linger no more
in the darkness of this garden

darkness
can be tempting
i know
it's far too easy
to allow yourself to fall
deep into that chasm
but let the light reach you
don't let the dark night
trouble your tender heart
instead
allow the morning sun
to show you
the beauty in this world
in your own beating heart
and prove that all
is indeed
well

i want too much or
nothing at all
there is no in between
and i shatter my bones
trying to find
balance
it swings back at me
like a rubber band
sharp
and painful
and reminds me of
all the selfish desires
i have
bruised heart and dark needs
i ask too much
i ask too much
i cannot stop
leaving a trail of damaged souls
and bloodied bodies in my wake
someone stop me
anyone

no longer a child
i'm a shadow of who
i was
and who i should be
i don't feel part of
myself anymore.
i am changing
or have i become
stagnant?
i can't tell what is
happening to my soul
but i miss who i was
and who i should be.
hoarded memories and
photos of a girl
i barely recognize.
was i happy?
am i happy?
my heart is saying one thing;
my mind, another.
i'm lost.
i'm found.
i'm aimless.

you think your actions have no effect on me;
well you have never been more wrong
you may not want to be a part of my life
but you are toying with my heart
and my feelings
and i cannot forgive that

at what point will i stop being hurt
by people
who have no place in my life?

would it be
so wrong
if i just gave
up?

i wish
i never met you
that i left it at hello
that when you confessed how you felt
i had ignored it

i wish
i hadn't kissed your soft lips
or learned the ways you melt
felt your skin slide against mine
or felt your fingers touch me so intimately

i wish
i didn't know how you sounded when
i made you moan
that you didn't know how to
turn me into a puddle of desire

i wish
you hadn't lied to me
that you hadn't betrayed my trust
that i had been enough
i didn't make you so sad for so long

i wish
you still wanted me
that i didn't want you anymore
that i didn't crave you
we could relive our last moments together

i wish
your name didn't sting
our memories weren't tainted by lies
i didn't overthink everything
or could forget you

Quiet and reserved,
They assume that I'm made of
Ice and rain.
Little do they know
There is fire inside of me.

Flames rushing from my heart,
Nearly bursting from my fingertips.
It's quick and searing; a wolf,
Made of smoke and white hot ash.
I see everything.
I feel too much, too deeply.

Emotions are amplified.
Pain. Joy. Sorrow. Anger. Fear.
They linger, feeding the ardent creature,
Filling him with what he needs to
Protect me.
Each one is distinct in the impact
They have on the beast inside.

The wolf howls, cries out,
Longing to be shown to the world.
I keep him hidden only in the
Desire to protect that part of myself.
Because should something happen
To that wolf, that fiery beast,
I would be lost.

So I will silently rage,
Burning, smoldering in my chest.
My mask will be calm
While my eyes show the fire,
The snarling wolf,
Only to those who take the
Time to notice

waiting waiting waiting
time is rushing past me
as i stand
perfectly still
and wait
i'm scared
no
i'm terrified
my fear has become a knotted
tangled mess
deep in my chest
just there
between my ribs
i want to believe it
i want to
but the waiting
time is marching on
the endless string of events
has left me breathless
and doubtful
no longer able to see the light

stop
put a bullet in them
these doubts
that will never sleep

stop
cut this tie
the one that binds
the darkness to my heart

stop
burn those bridges
they keep me going back
to the past

stop
don't go
please stay
i'm afraid i cannot do this alone

stop
no don't
i will be brave
and find my way

Loving you is
An acute sort of pain
One that has left me
Raw and empty
Or too full to process
There is no in between
And as a result
I no longer trust myself
And I'm afraid
That I'll be forever changed
Now that you have
Shown me what it is like
To love
And lose
You

if only you knew
how beautifully
you
destroyed
me