i wanted to write you something happy
but my heart stopped me
it's bottled up
so allow me instead
to tell you how your soul is
a bright light during this
rather bleak
winter
it's gold
and sun
and soft smiles
and real love
the kind you can't find in the card aisle
at the drugstore
it's forgiveness
and shared secret
prayers and testimonies
thank you for
your soul
and the home it provides me
when i need shelter from
this gray winter

i feel sick and hateful
for all the damage i've caused
without meaning to
but i will admit
that the deeper parts of my soul
desire things i can never have
and perhaps that is where
the endless destruction
i have wrought
comes from

my heart is too big for the body it inhabits
it feels every pain
every wound
every sadness
like a well
continually filling up
until it overflows
coming out through my shaky hands
and cold fingers
and pale cheeks
the tears that leave tracks on my face
and the thudding of my heart
my heart is too big for the body it inhabits
far too big
far too big

your name tastes like
cinnamon gum
shower water
lipgloss
teasing kisses
the cocktails you downed
and the taste of myself on your lips
from our first time

your name tastes like
your moans
mimosas
experimenting with my sexuality
disneyland
and quick flurried movements
as i try to hurry
and finally taste you
before we get caught

your name tastes like
a ***** text message
hotel rooms
and room service
amaretto sours mixed
with karaoke
and handsome celebrities
shower *** and counter ***
the adventure of our
first trip together

your name tastes like
a quick weekend away
sleeping nestled next to you
the sound of your breathing
salty ocean air
and the perfume
that’s burnt into my brain

your name tastes like
movies in my living room
day drinking
your new hobby
your sadness
tears in the shower
as you try to come to terms
with the expiration date on
our relationship

your name tastes like
backseat ***
blanket nests
the age of ultron
movie theater popcorn
adult milkshakes
the beach and wind
my tears in the bathroom of the cafe
as i try to come to terms with
my heart

your name tastes like
a weekend where i couldn't
do anything right
your frowns
and quiet disappointments
a trip to movie sets
and the sound of the seagulls
that fly overhead
during a hot summer picnic

your name tastes like
nights out late laughing
dancing
walking around the vegas strip
calvin harris and night clubs
***** and absinthe
chlorine
teary goodbyes
and last time kisses
*** that makes me sad
and heartbroken

your name tastes like
bitterness
and anger
promises broken
and tears shed
cuts on my leg
and appetites gone
a heartache too big for my body

the nakedness of your
body
and your
soul
haunt me
they are the ghost that
follows me around
in my sleep
in my daydreams
i wish i could erase it
but in that same breath
i don't want to
i want to burn you into
my brain
and live this quiet torture
forever

red cheeks and
shaking hands
i will learn my lesson
one way or another
with sharp edges
and scalding touch
maybe i can rid myself of the
black shadow that has
taken up residence in
my chest
then maybe
just maybe
i can begin to make things
right

you had a way out
of ******* loneliness
i was your way
i loved you
i tried
i ripped my life apart
for you
and it wasn't enough
split my skin
and heart in half
and it still wasn't enough
what would have finally healed your stupid loneliness?
because lord knows i was
never ******* enough

a buzzing
numbness
rolls through
my veins
and up my spine
into my brain
softening the blow
of life
and love
and all the *******
in between
sweet softness
that makes me smile
through the pain
and forgive quickly
even to those who
do not deserve
my kindness

i do miss this

i'll dim my light for you
i'm too tired to fight anymore
excuse me while i douse this fire
and allow you your time to shine

quiet now
look into this inky sky
see that star?
the bright one
just there
endless though it may seem
this sky is full of you
each star
each moonbeam
the wisps of the clouds
this galaxy we belong to
they are made up of the
very stardust that occupies
your veins
your ocean eyes
your steady heartbeat
your low voice
the curve of your back
the strength in your shoulders
your soft skin
your lovely fingers
come now
watch with me
this visual passage of time
and we will fill the universe
with the silences
we keep
these wordless conversations
spoken between
two hearts
and two souls
who were friends from beyond time
and space
and who will outlast the very
sun in this morning sky

rushing into it headfirst
only caused me heartache
stupid stupid stupid
all my sacrifices were nothing, no,
less than nothing to you
in the end how could i ever
expect more than betrayal from you

that isn't me
the mirror isn't me
it's showing a shadow of a girl
a wisp of a thing
someone who is broken
whose body cannot support her heart
whose brain is hardwired for self-loathing
and hatred
this body is weak
and fragile
the spirit it houses is relegated to its corner
do not come loose
do not come near me
the desires i have are killing me
slowly
killing me
these arms these legs
these hands
beg for what i will not give it
i have become a slave
of my own mind
break these chains
and let me free

i have a deep hunger
rooted in my chest like a tangle of thorns
i need to feed it
i do not want meat
nor milk
i do not want those in my body
i hunger for less
less of me
a smaller space to occupy
how dare i take up more than my fair share
i will shrink myself
to fit the space i have deemed appropriate
and beautiful
these legs are too big
these arms are too large
my cheeks too round
these curves
cut them off
these soft spots
make them firm
shrink me
shrink me
make me disappear

it has made my skin
into paper
my cheeks dry and hollow
my skeleton visible for all
who dare look
my lips are chapped and raw
i ache in every joint
every bone
every cell
each nerve ending is raw and sensitive
it has made my head ache
and my womb become barren
my skin is velvety soft with the hair
it has grown to protect it from the cold
and i shiver
constantly i shiver
until my teeth and jaw ache
and i feel i will never be warm again

you think your actions have no effect on me;
well you have never been more wrong
you may not want to be a part of my life
but you are toying with my heart
and my feelings
and i cannot forgive that

at what point will i stop being hurt
by people
who have no place in my life?

i shiver
my body shakes
with the ice that has
filled my veins
it's cold
very cold
this self doubt
and insecurity
i would be better off
exposed to the elements
the ones that howl and
shake and ice
everything over
than the ones inside my
chest and stomach
that chill me from the
inside out

my fingers are seared
singed
i'm playing with fire
walking right on the edge
of pleasure and pain
i don't know if i want
to stop
but i know i probably should
heaven help me
because i want so much
to let this burn me up
leave me feverish
and flushed
slick with sweat
and thirsty
for more
of the exquisite torture
i'm entertaining

just when i had resigned myself to
loneliness
into my life you fell
loving me without question
lighting up my whole world
you opened the door to my heart
and walked inside
never looking back

when i felt weak
encouragement spilled from your lips
never did i fear
the darkness of my future
for you taught me well

carefully carefully you
always held my heart
listening and teaching me
validating me
in time i became strong enough that
nothing could stop me

quiet heart
sleep now
rest your weary eyes
and look forward to
the brightness of
a new day
and a future
we will share

would it be
so wrong
if i just gave
up?

waiting waiting waiting
time is rushing past me
as i stand
perfectly still
and wait
i'm scared
no
i'm terrified
my fear has become a knotted
tangled mess
deep in my chest
just there
between my ribs
i want to believe it
i want to
but the waiting
time is marching on
the endless string of events
has left me breathless
and doubtful
no longer able to see the light

a rose
by any other name
wouldn't

but wouldn't it?
thorns that left me bleeding
pricked and raw
wounds that won't heal
no matter how i care for them
a dangerous garden
which had no posted warning sign
i went in blindly
no
not blindly
just stubbornly lustful
for what i would find within
eyes closed willingly to the
hurt
that i would surely endure
well now i'm sorry
regretful as my tears fall
like blood
from so many wounds
no
i will accept my fate
i will live with my choice
and linger no more
in the darkness of this garden

anxiety
is an ocean inside of me
swelling and pulling
away away away
from sanity
then crashing against my ribs
and crushing my heart with
the force of it
it is making my bones brittle
my teeth grind together
my skin dry and papery
and i am suddenly
not enough
the relentless blackness is
drowning me
my fingers are scrambling
to find a handhold
so i won't be swept away
in the oppressive
knot that is building in my chest
where my heart used to be
it has doused the flame
you call cassidy
and left a quiet shadow
in its place

i know you

the small slight smile that
crosses your face when you
talk about things and people
and places you love

i know you

those delicate hands
and fingers that twist in
anxious knots when
you doubt yourself

i know you

the heart that pumps
heard and loud in your chest
large enough to fill the world
but oh, so tender

i know you

the glint of sad in shell blue eyes
when you talk about yourself
as if you don't see how
anyone could love you

i know you

the low timbre of a voice that
occasionally shakes with anger
softens with tears and
grows bold with laughter

i know you

the very soul that speaks my name
so quiet and reverent
as if i am a gift to you
when, really, you are the gift

i know you

forged before the earth existed
a friendship as old as time itself
destined to outlive stars and galaxies
and entire universes

i know you

and i knowing you
i have begun to know myself

anger blooms
hard and cold like ice
deep in my chest

my hands are shaking
my stomach is in knots

i am through
i am not your captive
nor your enemy
i am simply
done

your hatred tasted bitter
but i have tempered the taste
with the sweetness of release
and choice

my choice to leave

to stand up and say
no!
to say
i am more than you think,
more than you you deserve,
and more than you could love!

anger melts into
acceptance
and a pleasant comfort
in the decision i have made
or rather
the one you made for me

thank you
for making this easy
thank you
for making this clear

i am simply
done.

may i,
in hushed tones,
confess
how my heart aches
for you
and you alone
when we are apart?

may i,
in a quiet moment,
confess
how your hand feels
so soft
and delicate
between mine?

may i,
when silence befalls us,
confess
how you've changed me
wholly
and so effortlessly
made me complete?

may i,
when all is silent,
confess
how you've become
my best
and most cherished
friend?

your hands wrapped around mine
fingers tangled
hips bruised
the taste of sweat on your throat
and along your thighs
you're magnificence personified
with your golden skin
and nighttime hair
each taste of you sends me
reeling
into my heaven
i love you

your hands wrapped around mine
words smeared
lies told
the taste of blind belief in my mouth
and in the words i swallow
you're deceit personified
with your innocent face
and your easy lies
each line you speak sends me
hopeful
into my dreams
i believe you

your hands wrapped around mine
heart beating
lungs bruised
the taste of pennies in my mouth
and on my thigh
you're betrayal personified
with your flashing eyes
and your hateful mouth
each word you say sends me
scrambling
into my corner
i hate you

wrists bruised
bones shattered
blood spilled
i am
conquest
famine
war
death
wrapped up in pale skin
with cold, tired eyes
teeth ground together
as i try to keep
these words inside
i do not want this
i do not want this
but the responsibility rests
on my shoulders alone
so i carry the weight of
the broken hearts
i have left in my wake
mine is there
underneath my feet
trampled and bleeding
no no no
i am not alone
this is not only my fault
i have broken my own heart
but you played accomplice to
the destruction i wrought

stop
put a bullet in them
these doubts
that will never sleep

stop
cut this tie
the one that binds
the darkness to my heart

stop
burn those bridges
they keep me going back
to the past

stop
don't go
please stay
i'm afraid i cannot do this alone

stop
no don't
i will be brave
and find my way

my blackness is
oozing out through
my pores
visible though i try my
damnedest to hide it
it's showing my true colors
it's laying all my weakness
bare to your view
i'm terribly sorry
i'm not as advertised
i disappoint myself
so don't worry
if i disappoint you
i understand that i'm not
desirable
or typically wanted
my baggage is far too heavy
and i wouldn't wish that
on anyone
especially a perfectly lovely
gentle and kind
soul such as yours

i wish
i never met you
that i left it at hello
that when you confessed how you felt
i had ignored it

i wish
i hadn't kissed your soft lips
or learned the ways you melt
felt your skin slide against mine
or felt your fingers touch me so intimately

i wish
i didn't know how you sounded when
i made you moan
that you didn't know how to
turn me into a puddle of desire

i wish
you hadn't lied to me
that you hadn't betrayed my trust
that i had been enough
i didn't make you so sad for so long

i wish
you still wanted me
that i didn't want you anymore
that i didn't crave you
we could relive our last moments together

i wish
your name didn't sting
our memories weren't tainted by lies
i didn't overthink everything
or could forget you

i'm trying
i'm trying
i'm not enough
i hurt without thought
i damage
i injure
i'm too much
i don't deserve anything
but the pain of
aloneness
rejection
i deserve that
the darkness that comes with
loneliness
why am i like this?
why am i
me?

i want too much or
nothing at all
there is no in between
and i shatter my bones
trying to find
balance
it swings back at me
like a rubber band
sharp
and painful
and reminds me of
all the selfish desires
i have
bruised heart and dark needs
i ask too much
i ask too much
i cannot stop
leaving a trail of damaged souls
and bloodied bodies in my wake
someone stop me
anyone

darkness
can be tempting
i know
it's far too easy
to allow yourself to fall
deep into that chasm
but let the light reach you
don't let the dark night
trouble your tender heart
instead
allow the morning sun
to show you
the beauty in this world
in your own beating heart
and prove that all
is indeed
well

brick and mortar
foundations crumbling
a castle no more
this is a broken home
the vines have grown outward
wrapping their strangling
tendrils
around everything
good and bad
it's all the same
destruction holds no bias
as it slowly tears apart
what was once a safe place
nothing is protected anymore
with no roof or walls or
windows
everything will be exposed
and the desolation will
continue
to make it's way through
everything i hold dear
how do i stop it
i'm helpless
how do i stop it

no longer a child
i'm a shadow of who
i was
and who i should be
i don't feel part of
myself anymore.
i am changing
or have i become
stagnant?
i can't tell what is
happening to my soul
but i miss who i was
and who i should be.
hoarded memories and
photos of a girl
i barely recognize.
was i happy?
am i happy?
my heart is saying one thing;
my mind, another.
i'm lost.
i'm found.
i'm aimless.

i feel too big for this body
the universe couldn't contain me
how could i expect your heart
to be large enough
for the being that i am

if only you knew
how beautifully
you
destroyed
me

i want to feel
something
anything
please touch me
my hand
my shoulder
my throat
your fingers around it
bruised flesh
dark and light
clashing for anyone to see
i offer it to you
willingly
or
if nothing else
a knife blade agains
pale soft
skin
red spilling from my veins
it will make me feel
alive
and then i'll know
that this pain isn't
for nothing

craving
warm hands
lips and teeth
hands pressed together
thighs tangled
fingers intertwined
breath mingled
backs arched
tongues tracing
tasting
biting
savoring
a pure joining
lustful
and raw
only feeling
no thought
whispered words
soft gasps
sweat slicked skin
heat
and fire
and want
desire
selfish and
slightly mad
until breathing slows
touches soften
kisses become tender
bodies
sated
satisfied
and delightfully
exhausted

my body feels weak
tired
and ill
it is betrayal incarnate
i cannot stand to see it
i wish i would disappear
that it would fail me
so my anger
wouldn't be misplaced
but i am more than a body
blood and bone
skin and sinew
i am an infinite soul
and there is a light inside me
which sickness cannot dim
the divine heritage
i have been blessed with
will be my saving grace
and one day
i will once again
be whole

in the war
between dark and light
i am lost
in no man's land
my skin aches
i am collateral damage
just leave my body
resting in the mud
rain will soothe these wounds
as i allow memories
to pass across my eyelids
every man for himself
so i won't fault you
for leaving me behind
i am crippled
broken and ******
but i do not fear
i know that i will be
at peace
when i finally close my eyes

i'm afraid
i have kept it inside
strangled it
choked it
so it wouldn't escape
but it fell out through
my words
i'm sorry
i don't want to be a burden
my fears threaten to
take me over
if i am not careful
so i will tie them down
bind their mouths
and keep them in the
darkest parts of me
so they will not color
the space between
you and i

you touched me in the most intimate of ways
traced the lines of
my body
my soul
until i was marked with fingerprints
your fingerprints
small and delicate
but painful and lingering
i craved the contact
and you were my biggest enabler
pumping me full of
what you called love
what you claimed was understanding
until i was hopelessly addicted
and when you decided
things were too hard and that
i was no longer enough
you took it all away
and left me to go through the withdrawals
on my own
cold and hurting
it was the worst sort of betrayal

Can we
Lie together for
A few moments,
Let our fingers
Intertwine
While our hearts
Heal,
Listen to
The sound of
Even breathing
And silent thought,
And just
Be?

I dreamt about you
And oh!
How it hurt.
My heart could barely
Pump
When I finally woke up
And realized that
It missed you
More than I could ever speak.
You were clear as day,
Not at all hazy.
I remembered so much,
So quickly,
I felt my body couldn't contain it.
But worst of all
Was the acute sense of betrayal
I felt when I woke up.
It was as if my mind couldn't bear
To remember you
That clearly
For much longer
So forced me from my sleep
To remind me to
Be present
And move on.

But I still miss you.

But that night
When we stayed up until 3
Talking about nothing
And everything
And the state of the universes
Inside of our hearts
Changed me

When you told me
You were proud of me
And that I was strong
I wanted to become those words
I wanted to live them
To embody them
And to prove you right

Every day I am trying
I struggle
Because my road has so many rocks
And holes
And there are ghosts of
People and memories that
Want me to fail

Then I recall your words and
I know
That someone has faith in
Who I am
And who I could be
And knows my heart when
I don’t know it myself

And that’s the power in my
Heart and
Legs and
Lungs and
Soul
That moves me past each hurdle
And on my stumbling way