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Cassidy Mae Jun 2016
i didn’t think i’d live when he fingered me so hard it hurt and i tried to sit up but he pushed me back down and told me it was okay and to be quiet so his sister who was right upstairs in her bathroom wouldn’t hear and when i told him we should stop he laughed like i’d said a joke and i laughed in return because i didn't believe what was happening was actually happening.

i didn’t think i’d live when i was lying half on and half off the couch in the middle of the afternoon in the middle of the living room with an eighteen year old man sitting on my chest and my pants undone and my shirt pulled up while he whispered things like ‘it’ll be over soon’ as he held my jaw and ****** himself into my mouth so hard my eyes watered and i gagged and tried not to throw up and said no around his ***** as many times as i could and he just insisted that it was his turn now whatever that’s supposed to mean.

i didn’t think i’d live when i couldn’t figure out what to do about the ******* he’d so kindly left in my mouth and when i thought about spitting it out i realized his sister - my best friend - would see the mess and i didn’t want her to know what he had done or have to worry about cleaning it up so i swallowed it like a champ and the taste of him still lingers in the back of my throat 15 years later.

i didn’t think i’d live when he sat me down with tears in his eyes and said that we needed to go to the bishop for what we’d done and begged me not to tell my parents and held my hands in his as if he was truly concerned about my well being and i nodded dumbly because i couldn’t believe this had happened to me.

i didn’t think i’d live when i ran home weeping and showered until my skin was raw and red and my hands were shaking so hard i dropped the soap three times and i screamed so hard my throat bled.

i didn’t think i’d live when i laid down in the sunspot on my bedroom floor and sobbed hysterically until my younger brother who never cared about me finally timidly knocked on my door and asked me if i was okay and i couldn’t find the words to tell him i’d been ***** so i just told him i’d had a fight with my best friend.

i didn’t think i’d live when food became a burden and my stomach turned on me and headaches plagued me because the weight of what had happened to me and what had been taken from me had become too much to bear and my body was slowly collapsing underneath it.

i didn’t think i’d live when i told my mom and dad what happened to me with a choked voice and tears streaming down my face and my mom told me she knew what i was feeling because my uncles - more than one - had sexually assaulted her when she was a little girl and to this day i cannot look at them without wanting to *****.

i didn’t think i’d live when my dad got so angry that his face turned red and i didn't recognize him and he clenched his fists and muttered something about his gun under his breath and i knew he’d **** the man who ***** me if he had the chance but in the same breath that held those threats he broke into a thousand pieces and held me together like a fragile broken doll and wept into my hair and i just wanted to tell him i was okay and i was still his little girl but the words were gone.

i didn’t think i’d live when i told my sister about who had ***** me and she felt sick because she had dated him to make me jealous at one point and it had worked and we’d fought over this selfish ******* like sisters do and she wondered how could she have done something so cruel to me with someone who would in turn treat me so cruelly.

i didn’t think i’d live when my ****** called me a **** behind my back and my baby brother my endless protector confronted him at four years old and asked him if he’d really called me a **** even when he had no idea the meaning of the word only that it had wounded me deeply.

i didn’t think i’d live when i told my bishop and hoped that he’d understand and that something would be taken from this man who had ***** me so he’d maybe feel a little of what i was feeling but it turns out he got off scott free and everything he worked for was given to him including his mission and going to byu and my bishop still believes it was consensual even when i told him the story over and over again.

i didn’t think i’d live when i realized that i still wake up every day for the past 15 years and think about him at some point and the smell of a wooden door in the sun makes me want to throw up and the sound of maury povich’s voice is a trigger and sometimes i wish i could tell his wife what he did to me and how he never apologized and never admitted what he did just continued to call it consent over and over again even after i told him no clearly and plainly and how his sister knows now and we’re no longer friends and his other sister thinks i’m just a **** who tried to ruin his life and how sometimes *** still scares me so badly that i want to die and sometimes i still wish i had that day.
Feb 2016 · 292
alone
Cassidy Mae Feb 2016
surrounded by people
family and friends
who love me
but i'm a shadow
hovering in corners
knitting my heart together
with a few strings of hope
they're fraying
coming undone
why am i broken?
my arms are tired from
holding my two halves
together
i'm so alone
i'm so alone
Feb 2016 · 309
a beast of burden
Cassidy Mae Feb 2016
you see
i know myself
down to my deepest
darkest desire
in the heart of me
i am loathsome
an inherently selfish creature
i long for the pain
of love and disaster
wrecking those around me
i love the fire in my wounds
i don't know who i am
without them
ravaging the very lives
of those i love
is my calling card
i cannot help myself
i'm drawn
like a moth to flame
to the self inflicted torture
that i put myself through
blood and glorious ruin
what would i be
without the terrible
and awe inspiring
damage i inflicted?
gods i'm awesome
full of vengeance
heat
hatred
and burning anger
i'll trample
rip apart
and tear into this life
don't get in my way
if you value yourself
i'm great and terrible
and i'd rather not
see you become
collateral damage
Feb 2016 · 249
afraid
Cassidy Mae Feb 2016
let this water run over
my sensitive skin
leaving burning tracks
like so many tears
i am afraid
Feb 2016 · 278
relevance in 10 words
Cassidy Mae Feb 2016
lost and heartsick
i feel very small
and very alone
Feb 2016 · 248
part 2
Cassidy Mae Feb 2016
or perhaps
we could run
far and fast
until it feels like
we are flying
nothing behind us
but the wind
nothing in front of us
that we do not want there
just freedom
and lightness
weight gone
shoulders unburdened
hearts racing
and palms pressed together
i can run fast
i will keep up
on your mark
get set
go
Feb 2016 · 274
part 1
Cassidy Mae Feb 2016
a long stretch
as far as you can see
or so it seems
it's not so far
i will help you
be your companion
will you let me?
would you like me
to carry that heavy pack
the one you've been carrying
for ages?
i'm happy to shoulder it
for a while
hold my hand
when the way gets rocky
we will keep one another steady
it's not so long
i promise
and i will be by your side
as long as you'll have me
Feb 2016 · 208
stop and go
Cassidy Mae Feb 2016
shut this down
tear my skin to shreds
open my veins
pour yourself into me

give me all of you
over and over and over
Feb 2016 · 224
kiss me
Cassidy Mae Feb 2016
killing field
inundated with
so many bodies
so much heat and pain
make me forget
everything i have witnessed
Feb 2016 · 181
depression
Cassidy Mae Feb 2016
do you ever feel yourself drowning
but you don't know what is pulling you under
only that you can't breathe
and your legs are kicking at the restraints
but nothing is happening

do you ever wake up with a lump in your throat
but no remembrance of how it got there or why
not even a hint of a dream to guide your thoughts
only the feeling that your heart is broken
and your lungs are collapsing

do you ever feel yourself slow down
body and mind stuck in a mire of subconscious thoughts
thoughts about your faults and weaknesses
the battles you've lost
and the bodies you've left behind

do you ever feel aches and pains in all your body
but no altercation to explain where the hurt comes from
aches in your shoulders and elbows even down to your toes
your hair follicles are sensitive and your lips are dry
skin that feels like a million pinpricks

today i am all of the above
Feb 2016 · 318
sleep well and safe
Cassidy Mae Feb 2016
heart pounding
hands clenched into fists
heavy breaths
and tears choking your voice
the blackness you feel
is all in your mind
a terrible dream

you are safe
and cared for
loved very deeply
the nightmare that plagues you
is a lie
a falsehood

come here my darling
i will hold you
close to my heart
until the steady beating
soothes you back to sleep
and you can leave
that terrible dream far behind
Feb 2016 · 166
trust in 10 words
Cassidy Mae Feb 2016
you promise you won't
leave me
and i believe you
Feb 2016 · 229
layers
Cassidy Mae Feb 2016
scars on scars on scars
they build up over time
thick and tender
so dark
they poison me
my heart feels full of hurt
and empty at once
filling my brain with words
of anger
and hate
and meanness
lies and lies and lies
echoing over and over
as i try to move forward
a reminder of all of the
****** things i've done
and the ****** person i've been
and how many different ways
i've been the source of hurt
don't forgive me
i don't forgive myself
i will live with these scars
let them continue to build up
until they choke me
Feb 2016 · 308
selfie
Cassidy Mae Feb 2016
on a monday  morning
when i find myself
wrestling with my demons
with shadows under my eyes
and chapped lips
a body and mind that
will not cooperate with me
i will try to remember that
i am not just flesh and bone
but stardust and infinity
and i will be okay
Feb 2016 · 182
winter
Cassidy Mae Feb 2016
a quilt over these mountains
covering everything while they sleep
so deeply
tree and flowers and animals
resting their tired bodies
and weary heads
i'll rest too
for a while
my body is tired
my head is weary
i am not so different from these beasts
we have struggled this year
to protect ourselves
to provide
to grow and change in preparation for
our futures
these few weeks we're given
at the close of every year
to renew ourselves are a precious gift
appropriately timed
a gift from a father who is very far
and yet very close
all at once
rest now
with me
prepare for the changes ahead
the growing pains we will feel
the twists and turns in our hearts
and the ways our souls will stretch
to accommodate the new encounters
and new love
we face
this is the time for rest
and quiet growth
reflection and love
as we come together with friends and family
while the world is white
and the mountains are silent
all flora and fauna preparing for
the renewal of spring
Feb 2016 · 343
sad eyes
Cassidy Mae Feb 2016
sad eyes
i see you hug yourself
arms wrapped around your torso
trying to hold the pieces of your
heart together
you are not alone
sad eyes
i see you so rigid and tight
as you carry the weight
of another's hurt in your heart
trying to keep steady and upright
i can help you
sad eyes
it is not your fault
you have done your best
and are weary from your heavy load
i am here now
i will not leave you
sad eyes
allow me to shoulder a partial load
of the burden you bear
make it easier to carry
we are are on this journey
together
Jan 2016 · 295
where has he gone
Cassidy Mae Jan 2016
where is your god now
the one who reassured you
so clearly
that you were doing the
right thing
where has he gone
now that you're panicked
left alone and scared
i'll tell you
he is no god of mine
he is lying to you
destruction is not noble
it is simply
your way of coping
so enjoy your worship
listen to your false god
continue to let him
drown you in anger
and fear
you'll be left alone
once he's tired of you
then maybe you'll have learned
Jan 2016 · 422
false idols
Cassidy Mae Jan 2016
no remorse
just blind eyes
you are ******* blind
you take no responsibility
you think you're absolved
of all you've done
claiming to be clueless to what caused
the suffering of the ones you injured
pray to your god
he's not the god i know
yours is false
if he's telling you the things you claim
that you are in the right
dishonest visions
self fulfilling prophecy
false idolatry
with you front and center
cast in gold
for all to worship
bow down to the idol
you cry this to anyone who will listen
see how she's atoned
her might change of heart
the selfish selfish girl
who spilt the blood of innocents
and left ruin in her wake
with no recompense
just bodies mangled and hearts broken wide open
red spilling from the gaping holes
your sharp and lying words caused
one day
the golden idol you built
will fall
you will topple
people will revolt and pull you down
ropes around your neck
with fires waiting
to melt you down
just one way you'll pay for your falsehoods
for your sins
and i doubt anyone will be there
to mourn your falling
Dec 2015 · 252
no
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
no
i would rather not
think about you being
touched and kissed and loved
by someone who is
completely unworthy to do so
who can't even bring you to
fulfillment
who doesn't know just how
you like to be touched
who draws from you those
quiet breaths and loud moans
who is selfish and impatient
and more concerned
with their pleasure than yours

i would rather not
think about these things
but now that i know
they are all i can think about
Dec 2015 · 485
ten terrible words
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
i want to help you
but i don't know how
Dec 2015 · 327
i am weak
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
don't let me push you away
i will try
heaven knows i will try
i'm scared
my heart is fragile
and i'm full of distrust
but don't let me
hold my hands
kiss my cheek
and i will stay by your side
Dec 2015 · 344
fuck it all
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
here's a big *******
to all the people who made me this way
who made me feel i am
hard to love
who made me feel like i am not enough
who made me feel insecure in their love
who made me beg and cry
and suffer through their silences
while i tortured myself over
what i'd possibly done to deserve it
who said i was too sensitive
and needed to make myself happy
because they couldn't be bothered to
ensure that i was safe and comfortable
with them
who put themselves first
and me last

and here's the biggest *******
to myself
for allowing any of this
and not seeing the forest for the trees
i deserved better
i deserved more
and now i'm haunted by these memories
because i can't make myself
believe that i am deserving
Dec 2015 · 242
more
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
you are more than the
natural man
you are a spirit made of
intelligence
fire
and passion
warmth
light
depth
character
compassion
love
all the good things our
father intended
so see now
how you shine even when
you feel so very dim
a beam that brightens
even the darkest winter's night
and let the veil grow thin
so you can remember
your potential
the potential you were made and born and
raised with
from before you can even remember
Dec 2015 · 228
a painful transformation
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
heaviness settles across my shoulders
and i slow to a near standstill
i cannot help it
i am so very weary
tired down to the marrow in my bones
fighting this beast
the beast is me
but is not of my own creation
i am so very tired
allowing the blackness that is inside these veins
to bleed through the cracks of my
bravery and confidence
and contaminate everything in
and around me
stuck in the mire like a lost lamb
i have become what i hate
what i despise
a loathsome creature
with wants that far exceed my needs
wants that cause rifts
that push and pull me in a million directions
draw and quarter me
leave my head on a spike
to stop my destructive path and serve
as a reminder to all
that this monster i have become
foul and ugly
was not of my creation
and cannot be undone
Dec 2015 · 251
the nudge
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
quietly my heart sits
and waits until
a little nudge
gives me hope
because things don't
just happen for no reason
we didn't wait for so long
to meet again
only for things to fall apart
we will be okay
Dec 2015 · 1.1k
that did not feel good
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
self sabotage
i'm a glutton for punishment
the urge to feel the knife
pushed a little deeper between my ribs
to remember things i shouldn't
and want things desperately
so strong it overcomes me
and all sense of self
quiet torture
just when i think i'm doing so well
i go back to you
and i'm reminded all over again
that there are some things
better left behind
Dec 2015 · 340
to the voices in my head
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
I.
AT 10 YEARS OLD
I WAS ALL ENERGY AND KNOBBY KNEES
RED CHEEKS WITH BLUNT BANGS
I WAS TRYING TO GROW OUT
HEADBANDS WERE MY STAPLE
AND I ADORED MY BIG SISTER
BUT I NEVER NOTICED MY FLAWS
I RAN AROUND THAT ELEMENTARY SCHOOL PLAYGROUND
AS IF IT WERE MY OWN KINGDOM
IMAGINING THE ADVENTURES I WAS ON AND DREAMING
OF GROWING UP TO BE A VETERINARIAN
OR MAYBE A DOCTOR OR A NURSE
UNTIL YOU TOOK ME ASIDE AND TOLD ME
HOW UGLY I WAS
FAT AND RED FACED
WHAT WAS FAT?
THIS WORD DIDN’T OCCUR NATURALLY IN MY VOCABULARY
BUT SUDDENLY
I WASN’T BLIND TO WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME
THOSE RED CHEEKS
AND ROUNDNESS
BECAME MY FOCUS FOR YEARS TO COME

II.
YOU WERE SO THIN
I WAS SO FAT
OR SO I THOUGHT
BARELY 100 POUNDS OF MEAT ON MY
FIVE FOOT THREE FRAME
WE ALL WANTED TO BE SKINNY
SO WE DIDN’T EAT
OR WE DRANK NOTHING BUT DIET PEPSI
AND GOSSIPED ABOUT ALL OF THE
FAT GIRLS
I KNEW I WAS ONE OF THEM
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU POINTED OUT HOW
MY LOWER BELLY POKED OUT
AND MY HIPS WERE SO MUCH WIDER THAN YOURS
THEN SUDDENLY
I HATED THE WOMANLY PARTS OF MY BODY
THE PARTS THAT WOULD MAKE ME
ONE DAY
ABLE TO CARRY A BABY AND CREATE A LIFE INSIDE OF MYSELF
THE MAGAZINES SHOWED ME A BODY
I COULD NEVER HAVE
FOR THE STRUCTURE I WAS COULDN’T LOOK THAT WAY
NO MATTER HOW I TRIED
I AM ME

III.
I WANTED YOU TO LOVE ME
I WOULD HAVE DONE ANYTHING TO ENSURE YOU DID
SO WHEN YOU SAID
I COULD STAND TO LOSE A FEW POUNDS
OR GO TO THE GYM
WHEN YOU ASKED ME IF I REALLY
NEEDED TO EAT THAT SECOND TORTILLA
OR SERVING OF EGGS
WHEN YOU POKED MY CHEEK AND TOLD ME
I HAD SIDEBURNS
I FELT ASHAMED OF THE BODY I’D GROWN
THIS FLESH AND BONE THAT HOUSED MY SOUL
WAS STILL HAUNTING ME
I HATED IT
I WANTED TO DIE
I WANTED TO PROVE MY WORTH
BECAUSE HOW MUCH WOULD THAT BE
IF THE FLESH AND BONE WRAPPED AROUND ME
WAS UGLY AND
UNPLEASING TO THE EYE
*** WAS THE ONLY THING I HAD TO OFFER YOU
AND YOU TOOK IT WILLINGLY
THANKFULLY I LEARNED QUICK
THAT YOU WEREN'T THE ONE FOR ME
AND BROKE THAT HATEFUL CYCLE

IV.
YOU COMPARED OUR BODIES
THOUGH WE WERE VERY DIFFERENT IN BUILD
AND STRUCTURE
HOW OUR BODIES GREW COULDN’T HAVE BEEN MORE DIFFERENT
IN YOUR COMPARISON
THOUGHT YOU CLAIMED IT WAS COMPLIMENTARY
I BEGAN TO DESPISE MY BODY
I KNEW I’D GROWN
I KNEW I’D GAINED WEIGHT
I LOOKED DIFFERENT THAN I USED TO
NO LONGER ABLE TO FIT INTO CLOTHES I’D ONCE LOVED
SO VERY ROUND
SOMETHING HAD HAPPENED OVER THE COURSE OF YEARS
THAT MADE ME LOVE FOOD AND ENJOY MY LIFE MORE THAN
BE CONCERNED ABOUT MY LOOKS
UNTIL YOU STARTED TO COMPARE US
THEN I OBSESSED
I WANTED TO LOOK GOOD
AND BE BETTER
THEN WHEN I DID
YOU COMPLAINED THAT
I WAS JUST SKIN AND BONES
AND THAT HURT WORSE THAN THE COMMENTS
ON MY ROUNDNESS
BECAUSE I SOMEHOW KNEW
YOU WERE RIGHT

V.
THERE WAS A VOICE THAT TOLD ME
SINCE I WAS 10
YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH
YOU ARE NOT LOVABLE
THIS BODY
THE FLESH AND BONE THAT HOUSES YOUR SOUL
IT IS ALL YOU ARE WORTH
IT SOUNDED LIKE ALL OF YOU
EACH WHO HAD RUNG SUCH DOUBTS IN MY EARS
SO WHEN I PLACED FOOD INSIDE MY MOUTH
IT MADE ME CRINGE
AND MY STOMACH TURN
BECAUSE EVERY BITE WAS CALORIES
I NO LONGER CRAVED THE FOODS I ONE LOVED
SLOWLY I MELTED
I BEGAN TO SHRINK
MY SKIN BECAME DRY AND MY LIPS CRACKED
I BEGAN TO GROW VELVETY SOFT HAIR
ON EVERY BIT OF MY BODY
MY *******
ONCE FULL AND LOVELY
BECAME SMALL
MY HIPS WERE SLIGHT
AND THE BONES THAT HELD ME UPRIGHT BEGAN TO PEEK OUT
AND THEN I FELT WORTHY
AND LOVABLE
THOUGH I STILL DIDN’T LOVE MYSELF
ANYMORE THAN I HAD BEFORE

VI.
AT THIRTY I ADMITTED
I HAVE THIS DEMON
THIS VOICE
IT HAUNTS ME
EVERY SINGLE DAY
I WANT TO BURY IT
SOME DAYS I CAN
OTHER DAYS
I’M NOT THAT LUCKY
SOME DAYS I CAN ENJOY MY LIFE
FOOD IS NOT A BURDEN
OTHER DAYS
I WANT TO CRY WITH EVERY BITE I EAT
I WANT TO KEEP SHRINKING
TO MAKE MYSELF SMALLER
BUT I REALIZED
THAT I’M BIGGER THAN THIS VOICE
I AM BIGGER THAN THIS BODY EVEN
MY SOUL IS LIKE THE STARS IN THE SKY
INFINITE
AND LOVELY
AND BURSTING WITH ENERGY
LIGHTING UP THOSE AROUND ME
AND THE BODY THAT KEEPS THAT ENERGY INSIDE
IS TEMPORARY
SO WHY NOT LOVE IT NOW
WHILE I STILL HAVE THE CHANCE
BECAUSE ONE DAY
WE WILL ALL BE DUST AND
MY BODY WILL NO LONGER MATTER
BUT MY SOUL WILL FOREVER BEAR THE SCARS
THAT ARE SELF INFLICTED FROM YEARS
OF TORTURE AND SELF LOATHING
AND FROM THE HURTFUL WORDS THAT WERE SAID
OUT OF SPITE
AND OUT OF MEANNESS
AND OUT OF MISUNDERSTANDING
Dec 2015 · 276
i'm okay
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
my whole body is practically humming
relief flooding my veins
a heart that is light
for once
in a very long time
thank you god
for being so good to me
thank you body
for fighting so hard to keep me alive
life is precious
and never more so than when you realize
just how easily
it can slip through your fingers
each thud of my heart
each rise of my chest
the legs that propel me
and the arms that carry heavy burdens
this brain
the one i curse so often
they do their best
and it's time i recognize the hard work it does
and love myself for all my faults
and weaknesses
Dec 2015 · 299
sharp
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
sharp things
not knives or blades or razors

words
and actions
lies
whispered or shouted
hands slapping
or letting go
"you're not enough"
that text message
someone coming in first
taking priority
a hand clenching into a fist
or not touching at all
a missing good morning text
someone taking my place
"i don't need you"
silence when words are needed
loneliness
abandonment
being forgotten

these are sharp things indeed
Dec 2015 · 278
i don't want you anymore
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
the ache of goodbye
does it ever truly leave?
like a paper cut that won't heal properly
itchy and red and sore
and always distracting me
just a little
i've bandaged this wound
over and over again
but it won't go away
it won't close up and i'm afraid
that i'll have to live with your ghost
forever
Dec 2015 · 229
big
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
big
i feel i'm too big for my skin
like i'm about to burst through
shred it to pieces
and leave it behind me
i'll float away
maybe somewhere nice
where no one has to be around me
and i can stop feeling
so confined and trapped by all
the blackness in my mind
Dec 2015 · 374
meet me on the battlefield
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
this is a life and death situation
this means war
you drew your lines and then crossed them
now allow me to lead the charge
up to your front lines
because i need answers for what you've done
swinging swords and shooting arrows
and sometimes
i think that they actually hit their mark
this shield is battered
it doesn't always protect me
but sometimes it does the trick
i may be lonely
but i'm not alone
i have time on my side
age and wisdom
i am patient and will lie in wait
as i create a strategy
a flawless plan that will do the most damage to your defenses
and there's an angel at my back  who will guide my aim
traitorous as you are
you deserve no less than to feel my wrath
hot against your neck
as i take my revenge for the way you've changed me
and the irreparable damage you've done
Dec 2015 · 317
words
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
i miss you i miss you i miss you
the words are bitter on my lips
they taste like anguish
heartbreak deception betrayal
so easy for you
careless as you were with my heart
(it's not enough)
i can't help that there's a canyon
at least five hundred miles wide
where your name used to be
i can't rid myself of you
or what i thought was love
it is the shadow beneath my eyes
and the hollow at my throat
the quickening pulse at my wrist
and the blade along my thigh
(laughable)
looking back now
i want to laugh
but it catches in my throat
because i remember the sweet ache
i felt when
i held you kissed you touched you
my fingers curl and flex
itching to wrap around something
anything
(a knife a bottle a throat)
that could possibly dull this sharpness
it's pushing between my ribs
like a slow knife to the heart
every time i think i am
done with you
i fall into that canyon again
and am lost to myself
Dec 2015 · 350
a message to my demons
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
i am terrible and great
like the gods who rule
the seas
the skies
the dirt you walk upon
my power knows no bounds
i am limitless
and infinite
and one day you will realize
with shaking knees
and crumbling confidence
tha ti am the one in control
i, alone,
hold all the power
do not turn your face away
look at me
look at me
look here
see my strength
it is no thanks to you
it is my strength
mine alone
and thus, you see,
i am terrible and great
and you do not own me
Dec 2015 · 270
reminder
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
i felt your fingers
against my calf muscle
they twitched just so
when you laughed
as if you wanted to reassure me
to make sure i knew
you wouldn't pull away
even as you rolled onto your back
with your eyes closed
and laughter on your lips
your hand remained
linking you to me
in a tangible physical way
a mimic of the link we share
from deep inside our subconscious
there it remained
resting against the muscle on my leg
as we discussed life and love
and all the ******* that entails
and laughed at our follies while we
mourned giving of ourselves
to those who were less than deserving
binding each other's wounds
with mutual understanding and
compassion
your hand kept me warm
the slight touch
caused my heart to glow like
so many candles and bonfires in a
cool summer night
thank you for that reminder
that i won't be left behind
Dec 2015 · 228
i'm yours
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
sink your teeth into that vein
the one right there
where you can see my pulse flicker
beneath my skin
blue
then red
i present it willingly
have me
take me
i won't resist
my will is gone
spilling the life out of my body is a small thing
compared to the pain i've experienced
at your hands before
Dec 2015 · 387
cliffhanger
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
i feel antsy
reckless
on edge
like an itch i can't scratch
i'm unsure of what i want
but i know i want it bad
i'm desperate for a little relief
from this desire that i don't
understand
fierce and hot
desperate
running through me
veins on fire with need
someone quench
this flame
Dec 2015 · 272
stop
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
you do not deserve pity
or mercy
stop playing the victim
manipulative snake
you know what you did
you destroyed me
you slowly poisoned my heart
cut into it
took it from me and found it wanting
blameless?
no
selfish and terrible
you clutched my trust in your fist
and bent it to your will
i will not feel badly for you
i will not hurt for you
accept your punishment
cowardly wretch
maybe next time you will realize
that hearts aren't toys
to be thrown out when they break
or trophies to collect
they are living things to be cherished
and protected
held tightly between soft warm palms
greedy liar
if mine meant so little
i will not
cannot
find an ounce of mercy nor pity
within my entire being
for your plight
i am worth more
much more
than you made me believe
i am worth everything
i see this truth clear as day now
and you cannot poison me
your hold over me has weakened
and soon i'll be loosed
and completely free
Dec 2015 · 303
i hear you
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
darling
no need to whisper
no need to shout
just speak
speak to me
i hear you
those words that pour from
trembling lips
or grind out from
between clenched teeth
that ring with laughter or
crack with pain
i hear you
silent words spoken only by the heart
the ones you say as you sleep
muscles flexing and fingers curled
against a fair cheek
the ones you howl at heaven
in a prayer
or a curse
begging for understanding
i hear you
when you kneel in pain and anguish
pouring your heart out to a god
who sometimes seems far far away
i hear you
Dec 2015 · 353
i see you
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
i see you
i see you
for all the darkness
you think surrounds you
despite the night that
you're stumbling through
i see you
clear as the clearest day
sky blue and cloudless
like a lantern
no
a star
you shine brighter than you could
ever imagine
i see you
your heart is warm
those sad blue eyes
turned down at the corners
they shoot right to my soul
don't look away
please
look here towards me
look at my eyes
because
i see you
Dec 2015 · 230
lost
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
confusion glazes over my eyes
i cannot see anymore
someone guide me because
i'm afraid
i do not know what i'm doing anymore
my feet stumble
and my hands grasp for
something
anything
to hold onto
if i sit down and stop thinking
for a moment
maybe this confusion
would leave me
lift
like fog after rain
and then i'll know what i'm
supposed to do again
Dec 2015 · 239
marked
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
hands meeting
between our bodies
above your head
touching and tracing
the curve of your waist
that too on your hip
my teeth at your back
soft bites
and slow moans
whispered words
do you like this?
please more
touch me there
don't stop
what would you like me to do?
i'm close
taste and sound
touch and sight
your body is sweat slicked
and rosy with desire
fitting
may i mark you?
make you mine?
please baby
it's a quiet beg
please do
that curve there, it's mine
this one too
i claim them
i claim you
leaving my print on your neck
then your shoulder
the inside of your thigh
and the slow curve of your lower back
that way
you'll remember the way i tasted you
the way my fingers felt
as they dragged along your skin
the sharpness of my bite
and the taste of you on my lips
when we made love
with alcohol in our veins
and lust in our eyes
and you told me that forever wouldn't
be enough
for the love you had to give me
Dec 2015 · 246
journey
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
Come with me
Here
Take my hand
I offer it willingly
With love in my heart
And eyes wide open
Our journey won't be easy
The road is long
And difficult at times
Will you?
Won't you come along?
We may have mountains to climb
Rocky and tall
I will push you ahead of me
If I need
But we will peak them
And stand at the top
With breath frosted over and
Arms wide open to the
Glorious sunrise as our reward
Will you?
Won't you come along?
Bring your strong shoulders
You may have to carry me
When I grow weak
And forget our destination
When the thorns in the path
Even those we strew ourselves
Rip at my ankles
And trip me
Bandage my wounds with your
Kind words
And I'll be okay
Will you?
Won't you come along?
The nights will be long and dark
Cold
But I will keep you warm
With a fire I've been building for eternity
The one that was kindled from
Beyond this veil
We will wrap our arms around ourselves
Hold tight to the truths we know
And keep our eyes on the horizon

So I ask you now
Will you,
Won't you come along?
this is not our destination. it's just a brief stop.
Dec 2015 · 212
m.o.
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
fire and ice
burning
scorching
but leaving me
cold and
miserable
that is your modus operandi
i am a victim you
can mark on your wall
a tally
one more trophy
for you to collect
enjoy me
this pain might give
you
a small measure of peace
and i'll accept that
because i don't know
how else to survive
Dec 2015 · 174
wounded
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
pain in my chest
no not that kind
i hurt
physically
yes
but deeper
and more to the right
yes there
feel it?
my heart beats a little slower
the cracks are slowing it down
i thought they were sealed up
didn't you?
i thought they were mended
i suppose i was wrong
this pain is self inflicted
a deeper sting
i could take a slap in the face
a bullet to the back
or a knife across my throat
but this?
not this
not this
when the pain is of my own doing
it causes jagged scars
and deep deep wounds
wounds that take ages to heal
if they heal at all
but i will take it
i'll hold onto this pain
as a reminder of all the ways
i have hurt myself
and you
and everyone i love
Dec 2015 · 260
untitled 8
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
stupid
blind
thoughtless
selfish
impatient
and hard to love
toxic
tattoo them on my skin
across my eyelids
and underneath my fingernails
so i won't forget
what a monster i am
Dec 2015 · 195
muddy brain
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
uncertainty colors my thinking
like sand in water
floating around my subconscious
and making my thoughts turn
muddy and dark
i'll fight it tonight
in sleep
and in the morning
maybe
things will be alright
Dec 2015 · 189
learn it
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
i'm sorry
the words are stuck in my throat
because you have no way to hear them
this is typical
just like me
****** up brain
thinking of nothing but myself
selfish
thoughtless
i'm sorry
i will pound against the walls
until my fists are ******
and my voice is raw
but i'll continue saying it
because one day
i need to learn my lesson
Dec 2015 · 196
peace
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
and just like that my mind calms
like the storm has passed and
suddenly
i can see the horizon
come hell or high water
i will make it
my body is strong
my mind is stronger
with the rough seas come
the most beautiful sunrises
and mine is just ahead
cotton candy skies
followed by cloudless blue and
calm waters
now i can take the helm
with confidence
that i will make it to my
destination
Dec 2015 · 288
five more days
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
there's a buzzing in my head
right between my ears
it's white noise
terror and stress and anxiety
a snowstorm of emotion
bubbling over as i wait
patiently
(not so patiently)
for my life to move on
will i?
won't i?
am i
okay?
it's running down my spine now
placing knots here and there
making my neck tight
and my back rigid
into my stomach it carries on
more knots now
i'm a tangled mess of
negativity
i'm trying
(i'm failing)
five more days
just five more days
then i'll know
five more days
of sleeplessness
of troubled thoughts
of what ifs
and if onlys
and should haves
is my body going to turn against me?
have i made it my enemy?
will i become the very thing i fear:
black
and cancerous
and full of anger and regret?
i do not want this
i do not want this
i do not want this
my new mantra
whispered over and over in the dark of my mind
i do not want this
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