there's a buzzing in my head
right between my ears
it's white noise
terror and stress and anxiety
a snowstorm of emotion
bubbling over as i wait
patiently
(not so patiently)
for my life to move on
will i?
won't i?
am i
okay?
it's running down my spine now
placing knots here and there
making my neck tight
and my back rigid
into my stomach it carries on
more knots now
i'm a tangled mess of
negativity
i'm trying
(i'm failing)
five more days
just five more days
then i'll know
five more days
of sleeplessness
of troubled thoughts
of what ifs
and if onlys
and should haves
is my body going to turn against me?
have i made it my enemy?
will i become the very thing i fear:
black
and cancerous
and full of anger and regret?
i do not want this
i do not want this
i do not want this
my new mantra
whispered over and over in the dark of my mind
i do not want this

i wanted to write you something happy
but my heart stopped me
it's bottled up
so allow me instead
to tell you how your soul is
a bright light during this
rather bleak
winter
it's gold
and sun
and soft smiles
and real love
the kind you can't find in the card aisle
at the drugstore
it's forgiveness
and shared secret
prayers and testimonies
thank you for
your soul
and the home it provides me
when i need shelter from
this gray winter

i feel sick and hateful
for all the damage i've caused
without meaning to
but i will admit
that the deeper parts of my soul
desire things i can never have
and perhaps that is where
the endless destruction
i have wrought
comes from

my heart is too big for the body it inhabits
it feels every pain
every wound
every sadness
like a well
continually filling up
until it overflows
coming out through my shaky hands
and cold fingers
and pale cheeks
the tears that leave tracks on my face
and the thudding of my heart
my heart is too big for the body it inhabits
far too big
far too big

your name tastes like
cinnamon gum
shower water
lipgloss
teasing kisses
the cocktails you downed
and the taste of myself on your lips
from our first time

your name tastes like
your moans
mimosas
experimenting with my sexuality
disneyland
and quick flurried movements
as i try to hurry
and finally taste you
before we get caught

your name tastes like
a ***** text message
hotel rooms
and room service
amaretto sours mixed
with karaoke
and handsome celebrities
shower *** and counter ***
the adventure of our
first trip together

your name tastes like
a quick weekend away
sleeping nestled next to you
the sound of your breathing
salty ocean air
and the perfume
that’s burnt into my brain

your name tastes like
movies in my living room
day drinking
your new hobby
your sadness
tears in the shower
as you try to come to terms
with the expiration date on
our relationship

your name tastes like
backseat ***
blanket nests
the age of ultron
movie theater popcorn
adult milkshakes
the beach and wind
my tears in the bathroom of the cafe
as i try to come to terms with
my heart

your name tastes like
a weekend where i couldn't
do anything right
your frowns
and quiet disappointments
a trip to movie sets
and the sound of the seagulls
that fly overhead
during a hot summer picnic

your name tastes like
nights out late laughing
dancing
walking around the vegas strip
calvin harris and night clubs
***** and absinthe
chlorine
teary goodbyes
and last time kisses
*** that makes me sad
and heartbroken

your name tastes like
bitterness
and anger
promises broken
and tears shed
cuts on my leg
and appetites gone
a heartache too big for my body

the nakedness of your
body
and your
soul
haunt me
they are the ghost that
follows me around
in my sleep
in my daydreams
i wish i could erase it
but in that same breath
i don't want to
i want to burn you into
my brain
and live this quiet torture
forever

red cheeks and
shaking hands
i will learn my lesson
one way or another
with sharp edges
and scalding touch
maybe i can rid myself of the
black shadow that has
taken up residence in
my chest
then maybe
just maybe
i can begin to make things
right