you had a way out
of ******* loneliness
i was your way
i loved you
i tried
i ripped my life apart
for you
and it wasn't enough
split my skin
and heart in half
and it still wasn't enough
what would have finally healed your stupid loneliness?
because lord knows i was
never ******* enough

a buzzing
numbness
rolls through
my veins
and up my spine
into my brain
softening the blow
of life
and love
and all the *******
in between
sweet softness
that makes me smile
through the pain
and forgive quickly
even to those who
do not deserve
my kindness

i do miss this

i'll dim my light for you
i'm too tired to fight anymore
excuse me while i douse this fire
and allow you your time to shine

quiet now
look into this inky sky
see that star?
the bright one
just there
endless though it may seem
this sky is full of you
each star
each moonbeam
the wisps of the clouds
this galaxy we belong to
they are made up of the
very stardust that occupies
your veins
your ocean eyes
your steady heartbeat
your low voice
the curve of your back
the strength in your shoulders
your soft skin
your lovely fingers
come now
watch with me
this visual passage of time
and we will fill the universe
with the silences
we keep
these wordless conversations
spoken between
two hearts
and two souls
who were friends from beyond time
and space
and who will outlast the very
sun in this morning sky

rushing into it headfirst
only caused me heartache
stupid stupid stupid
all my sacrifices were nothing, no,
less than nothing to you
in the end how could i ever
expect more than betrayal from you

that isn't me
the mirror isn't me
it's showing a shadow of a girl
a wisp of a thing
someone who is broken
whose body cannot support her heart
whose brain is hardwired for self-loathing
and hatred
this body is weak
and fragile
the spirit it houses is relegated to its corner
do not come loose
do not come near me
the desires i have are killing me
slowly
killing me
these arms these legs
these hands
beg for what i will not give it
i have become a slave
of my own mind
break these chains
and let me free

i have a deep hunger
rooted in my chest like a tangle of thorns
i need to feed it
i do not want meat
nor milk
i do not want those in my body
i hunger for less
less of me
a smaller space to occupy
how dare i take up more than my fair share
i will shrink myself
to fit the space i have deemed appropriate
and beautiful
these legs are too big
these arms are too large
my cheeks too round
these curves
cut them off
these soft spots
make them firm
shrink me
shrink me
make me disappear