quiet heart
sleep now
rest your weary eyes
and look forward to
the brightness of
a new day
and a future
we will share

would it be
so wrong
if i just gave
up?

waiting waiting waiting
time is rushing past me
as i stand
perfectly still
and wait
i'm scared
no
i'm terrified
my fear has become a knotted
tangled mess
deep in my chest
just there
between my ribs
i want to believe it
i want to
but the waiting
time is marching on
the endless string of events
has left me breathless
and doubtful
no longer able to see the light

a rose
by any other name
wouldn't

but wouldn't it?
thorns that left me bleeding
pricked and raw
wounds that won't heal
no matter how i care for them
a dangerous garden
which had no posted warning sign
i went in blindly
no
not blindly
just stubbornly lustful
for what i would find within
eyes closed willingly to the
hurt
that i would surely endure
well now i'm sorry
regretful as my tears fall
like blood
from so many wounds
no
i will accept my fate
i will live with my choice
and linger no more
in the darkness of this garden

anxiety
is an ocean inside of me
swelling and pulling
away away away
from sanity
then crashing against my ribs
and crushing my heart with
the force of it
it is making my bones brittle
my teeth grind together
my skin dry and papery
and i am suddenly
not enough
the relentless blackness is
drowning me
my fingers are scrambling
to find a handhold
so i won't be swept away
in the oppressive
knot that is building in my chest
where my heart used to be
it has doused the flame
you call cassidy
and left a quiet shadow
in its place

i know you

the small slight smile that
crosses your face when you
talk about things and people
and places you love

i know you

those delicate hands
and fingers that twist in
anxious knots when
you doubt yourself

i know you

the heart that pumps
heard and loud in your chest
large enough to fill the world
but oh, so tender

i know you

the glint of sad in shell blue eyes
when you talk about yourself
as if you don't see how
anyone could love you

i know you

the low timbre of a voice that
occasionally shakes with anger
softens with tears and
grows bold with laughter

i know you

the very soul that speaks my name
so quiet and reverent
as if i am a gift to you
when, really, you are the gift

i know you

forged before the earth existed
a friendship as old as time itself
destined to outlive stars and galaxies
and entire universes

i know you

and i knowing you
i have begun to know myself

anger blooms
hard and cold like ice
deep in my chest

my hands are shaking
my stomach is in knots

i am through
i am not your captive
nor your enemy
i am simply
done

your hatred tasted bitter
but i have tempered the taste
with the sweetness of release
and choice

my choice to leave

to stand up and say
no!
to say
i am more than you think,
more than you you deserve,
and more than you could love!

anger melts into
acceptance
and a pleasant comfort
in the decision i have made
or rather
the one you made for me

thank you
for making this easy
thank you
for making this clear

i am simply
done.