I dreamt about you
And oh!
How it hurt.
My heart could barely
Pump
When I finally woke up
And realized that
It missed you
More than I could ever speak.
You were clear as day,
Not at all hazy.
I remembered so much,
So quickly,
I felt my body couldn't contain it.
But worst of all
Was the acute sense of betrayal
I felt when I woke up.
It was as if my mind couldn't bear
To remember you
That clearly
For much longer
So forced me from my sleep
To remind me to
Be present
And move on.

But I still miss you.

But that night
When we stayed up until 3
Talking about nothing
And everything
And the state of the universes
Inside of our hearts
Changed me

When you told me
You were proud of me
And that I was strong
I wanted to become those words
I wanted to live them
To embody them
And to prove you right

Every day I am trying
I struggle
Because my road has so many rocks
And holes
And there are ghosts of
People and memories that
Want me to fail

Then I recall your words and
I know
That someone has faith in
Who I am
And who I could be
And knows my heart when
I don’t know it myself

And that’s the power in my
Heart and
Legs and
Lungs and
Soul
That moves me past each hurdle
And on my stumbling way

I want experiences I shouldn't,
Can't,
Have.

I want someone I shouldn't,
Can't,
Want.

I'm weak.
So very weak.
My cravings threaten to tear me up.
They tell me I'm not enough
Without her.
That I will be empty
If I do not
Kiss
Touch
Taste
Her.

So I will be empty.

You are scared
I know
Your hands shake
Your eyes close
Your shoulders tense
As you worry yourself
Sick
Over doubts
And insecurities
Old wounds
And a past
That haunts you

But allow me
If you will
To take those fears
And cast them
So far away
Into the dark night
I will hold
You close
Inside of my heart
Forget your past
And look forward
With me

Loving you is
An acute sort of pain
One that has left me
Raw and empty
Or too full to process
There is no in between
And as a result
I no longer trust myself
And I'm afraid
That I'll be forever changed
Now that you have
Shown me what it is like
To love
And lose
You

hurting myself to protect you
because i'm the worst nightmare
you can possibly imagine
i want to destroy
you
so instead i will slowly destroy myself
in an attempt to control the
raging beast that threatens to break out
i will burn myself up
leaving just a shell of who i once was
but you'll be sheltered from the war
that's waging inside of my chest
spilling my spirit from so many wounds
the pain won't last forever
or so i tell myself
blood and bone
sweat and tears
they will be a shield between
you and i
that keeps you safe
and keeps me caged
my scars
will be the chains that hold me back
reminding me
that i was never enough for you
or rather
i was too much
so remember this next time you decide
to dismiss the sacrifices i have made
to keep you safe

Hot coffee, foamy and bitter
Scalds my tongue but I drink anyway
The clouds are low around my mountains
Trees are orange and red and
Nearly barren
My cheeks are cold and pink
And my fingertips trace the frost that's
Gathered on my window
I feel like the earth is preparing
For the change that is winter
And I am ready
For the rest that will come with
The first real snow fall
And the healing that happens underneath
For the reawakening that will occur
When the frost thaws
And my heart can finally beat
Without that ache
That has plagued me for far too long
With a quiet sigh
And eyes half shut
I will allow this period of rest
And recovery
And soothe my weary heart in
The balm of forgiveness