there's anticipation in the air
a hint of something to come
my soul can't see if it's good or bad
and it's unnerving

all i know is that my stomach is
knotted in this waiting
for something that i don't know
will come or when
maybe it's just the threat of the unknown
the lingering anxiety that comes with time

all i know is that i want it to stop
and let me rest
let my mind and heart be at peace
and let me feel that comfort that comes
with familiarity

There's a heaviness
In taking responsibility
For something that you know
Truly isn't your fault
But feeling it is anyway.
Like your soul knows you are blameless
But your brain tells you how
What happened was a direct result
Of something you did,
Even unintentionally.
And all that heaviness pushes and pushes,
Leaving no space to breath,
Only enough room for the knots
In your stomach
And the pain in your chest
To choke out any chance that you may have had
Of feeling innocent
And, instead,
Leaves you feeling less than worthy.

last night i wanted to feel something
i wanted to so badly
i sat and listened
and waited for an answer
for some sort of sign

it didn't come
and i left feeling a ringing in my ears
and a hollow echo
where my soul used to be
and numbness in place of a heart

its a strange experience
when you feel nothing
for so long
that you can't remember what it feels like
to feel anything at all

i.
you kissed and touched me
even when i begged you to stop
you stole my innocence
then blamed me for the tragedy
you stole my faith in men
in myself
in my ability to control situations around me
thank you for opening my eyes
to the terrors of the world
and in doing so
making me more cautious and jaded

ii.
you didn't believe me
you thought i was lying
or worse
that i had initiated it
you made me repent
and wash away the taint of
someone else's sin
breaking my trust in
an institution that had claimed
protection and safety
since i was a baby

iii.
you stole what was left of me
on that cool may night
with beer on your breath and
lust in your eyes
when i begged you
and whispered no
you said it'll be over soon
and in the morning my body was sore
and my soul was gone
you were my biggest secret

iv.
you told me how fat i was
and that i didn't need to eat that
to eat this
to indulge
because how could i be a beautiful bride
if i gained an ounce
let alone a pound
your own insecurities and brokenness
spilled over and colored me
shameful and dependent
until i finally gained enough strength to leave

v.
you were the first man
who held me and touched me
and didn't make me cringe
because you actually liked me
you listened to me
and heard my words
you stopped when i asked
and didn't take advantage
you were so kind and
my first friend in a new place
so i'll never be able to repay you
for helping to rebuild my trust in the opposite ***

vi.
i remember so clearly
when we first started talking
how i knew i wasn't good enough for someone like you
i was broken
stained with the tragedies i'd experienced
no longer pure
that night you listened
for six hours
as i told you every terrible event
all the mistakes i'd made
then you loved me all the more
and i realized that i wasn't so broken
at least not beyond repair
and your love was making me whole again
and continues to do so
to this day

My dear, my love
I know things seem
Impossible and painful
And they fill you with
Worry and guilt
But remember the beauty
In the world

The sweet voice of a child
An endless universe with
Galaxies we do not yet know
The way the sun shines off the mountains
The ocean tide, constant and unending
A melody that lifts your heart
The colors of nature all around you
The way your body fights to keep you alive
The goodness of strangers
Charity and love
Your father’s kindness
And your own strength
The perfect love of a God you know exists
And the universe He’s created for you

You will be okay
We will be okay
The scars of the world will be healed
Yours will be too
Nothing is beyond His reach
His perfect sight
And though things seem dim
All will be well in time

i listen
my ears and heart
are always open
i comfort
i bind wounds
i make sure everyone
is feeling okay
safe
and at peace
i am a sounding board
for all who need me
but inside i am screaming
i am bloodied and bruised
fear fills me
anger and sorrow
blocking every vein
and setting my nerve endings
on fire
i just want to get this out of me
why can’t anyone hear me?
why doesn’t anyone hear me
screaming?

Good intentions

Or, rather,

The road to hell

I am there
Now I see my mistakes

The error of my ways

And I am lost in regret

Because I caused 

Harm and injury

Where none was intended

Now I feel empty inside

And the weight of my actions

Is heavy 

Because how can I ever

Expect anyone to love me

If I tear them apart by accident?