Tired has seeped into my bones

Into my brain

Slowing the neurons that need

To tell my body to move

My heart to pump

My lungs to breath

Tired has invaded my soul

And pulled apart the seams

Until the things it held inside

Spilled out 

Exposed to the blackness

That is slowly polluting me

Tired has put out my fire
Left me caring too little

And wanting too much 

With teeth clenched and tongue held

To keep my poisonous words

From spilling

Tired has left me weak

And unable to defend myself 

With a desire to hurt

And injure

To claim justice

And leave no survivors

Tired is pouring from my eyes

Blurring my vision

And making my chest burn

In an effort to

Ease the pressure that is 

Building

So I will sleep

With the hope that tomorrow

I will wake and tired

Will have finally left me
Allowing me to repair,

Reclaim, 

And restore 

The damage it has done.

And on that long, quiet drive

My mind went into survival mode

“Feel nothing” it said

But my heart felt

Everything at once

An aching loneliness

It is sharp

And deeply unsettling 

Leaving me raw

I hurt

But I don’t

I feel

But I’m numb

I’m empty

And I’m overflowing
Full of things I don’t want

Can’t want

Don’t need

Can’t process

So I’ll settle back

Into my quiet existence

And try to feel the right things

And smother the ache

That is constant

And all too real

my body is aching
and sore and tired
and shaky
full of knots and worry

i'm trying to be
solid and steady
and brave
full of fire and fierceness

but i am afraid
fear is sprouting out of every corner of my soul
it's filling me with vines
that threaten to choke the very life
out of me

i'm terrified my body will
turn against me
will become my enemy
change and transform
into an unrecognizable form

i will become the stuff of
nightmares
a weak, frail, brittle creature
with little energy
and no light in my eyes

i do not want to become that
weak creature
the person i am afraid of
please help me
god please help me

i know that heaviness
the kind that keeps you from moving
freely and without thought
the kind that roots you to your fears
your worry
and the little nagging voice that
tells you you're not enough

i know that sadness
the kind that feels like a deep deep ache
in your bones
and in your heart
it hurts you
your body is sore
and your mind is raw

i know that knot in your stomach
the one that comes and goes
but comes more than goes
frequent and hard
ice cold and crippling
it makes it hard to move
and hard to sleep
hard to do anything

i know that hunger
the way your heart
and mind
and very soul craves someone to
tell you that you're okay
that you're just fine the way you are
that there is nothing wrong with you

i know that anger
how it makes you feel like you're
going crazy
losing your grasp on reality
but everything sets you off
because it's so hot
and fresh
even when it's old

i know
i know

trust me,
i know.

sometimes it breaks me
one word or phrase
a song
sends me right back to where i was
3 months ago
6 months ago
a year
and i find myself breaking
all over again

i long to feel something
some outward pain
instead of what you’ve caused
instead of my heart
being ripped in two
with your betrayal and lies

there’s a painful numbness in reliving
the words you breathed
between lying lips
and the scalding touch
you left on my heart and my body

when i bandage my bleeding wounds
it’s simple
and gives me relief
because i can see those scars
i can trace them and remember
to stop letting you in

the ones on my heart aren’t so easy to bear

have i become addicted
to feeling nothing
or feeling everything
there is no in between

i really can’t explain it
a sort of angry sense of being
cheated of something that isn't
and wasn’t
mine to begin with

so i’ll keep these seething feelings
inside where they’re boxed away
compartmentalized
i’ll grind my teeth with
the effort of ignoring the negativity that
threatens to drown me sometimes

because what good does it do
to be angry and upset
at someone who is not truly part of my life
and who does not understand
or see
the effect they have had on me

That wrinkle in your brow

Let me smooth it

And put my arms around your

Tensed body

Give me that heavy weight

From your hunched shoulders
So I may make your journey

Perhaps a little easier 

As you navigate the rocky path ahead.

The hollow part in your heart

I will fill it
With kind words and

Reminders of who you truly are.

While my presence might never

Replace what was there 

Maybe it will help to 

Patch the raw parts that plague you.

Allow me to hold you up

If you should need support from 

Someone whose legs are just

A touch stronger 

When you feel you have nothing left.

Those tears that sting your eyes

Let them come

But remember they are temporary

And that I will never 

Shame you for entertaining the ache they soothe.

You are gold

Fire and strength

But even gold must be melted

And molded into

Something more beautiful

Than it was before.

So let me hold your heart 

Tender and a little damaged

But precious 

And priceless

Until you are once again

Unbroken.