before an alter you fall on your knees
and claim to dedicate your life to the service of God
yet in his name you lead another astray
deceitful in nature, in Jesus name, you claim to love

to the wolf in sheep's clothing
may you live everyday smothered by your guilt
may your lies eat away at you like a cancer
may the darkness you live in, consume you

i pray for blind eyes to see
that hearts harden as you approach
i pray that they see the disgusting animal that you are
that you be ravaged the very demons that reside in you

so tell me that i'm condemned to hell
for wishing you ill
tell me that i am no better than you
because your sins are weighed equal to mine
so tell me that i am in sin
for hating you
tell me!

my sins are before an audience
worn on my black coat
guilt will not be held over my head
you cannot **** what is already dead.

breathe it all in.
wilt like a flower under the pouring rain
breathe it all in.
heart beat comes to a gradual stop only to pound with sudden acceleration

words
i lack the words
i lack the words to describe
how taking one more hit
almost takes me to heaven
...or i should say hell?

because sometimes
one more hit is all i need
to remind me that in an instant my heart could stop beating

so i'll take one more hit
to suffocate the taunting voices
so i'll take one more hit
to forget each time love is not reciprocated
so i'll take one more hit
to slow down this heart that won't give up
one more hit to
remind this heart that sometimes it's hope that kills
because the rush of almost dying almost makes it worth living

there is so much on my chest that i want to say,
but i don't know how to say it to you
so how about i start by telling you how much
i hate you
how much i hope you crumble
how i long to see you cry
hurt
want to scream, but not find the
voice
to say what is aching you
eating you from the inside
ripping at your heart as
you gasp for air
how i long for you to feel the
suffocation
as you try and beg to breathe
with my hands tightly clenched around your neck
i want you to look
up at the sky
and find no solution
no resolution
no escape
but to face your mistakes
and accept your fate.
hope you look in the mirror
and feel the need to destroy
the animal that looks back at you.
heartless
you took my hope for tomorrow
my last breath
the essence of my being.
cold
and abandoned
you left me
naked and wounded
scarred
with haunting memories of
what i gave away.
i hope when you lay to sleep
you sweat
you wake up
screaming
wanting to run from
what you have done
regret
making the decision that you did
crying
for another chance
to take back
and fix what you have broken
finding
that there is no turning back time
for stealing what once was mine.

useless
and worthless
that's how you make me feel
this is all too real

forlorn
empty and torn
claiming to love me, you left me
sinking at the bottom of the sea

turn blue and black
hurt me and i come running back
i should run the opposite way
but you know i will stay.


you can't fix what is broken
with these words left unspoken.

...maybe i'm done trying
maybe i'm the only one who's left fighting
fighting be loved
fighting to be someone
in
your life.
maybe it's time
to face the
truth
that i'll never be
enough
for
you.
maybe
you find more
consolation
comfort
in your media,
friends
...in those
who
have
everything
i
don't.
maybe
it's time
i face
the fact that
i will never enter
your world.
maybe it's time
i gave up on me
just as you have.
maybe it is time.
i will never
be her.
i will never
understand
and maybe
it's because
i was
never
given
the chance.
maybe you have fallen in love
with the person you wish me to be
maybe who i am
is not who you want to love.
maybe the thought of this being true
terrifies you the most
throws you off your feet
and the fear of the unknown
has you gripped on to my heart
wishing on stars
i will become
who you need.

caught in the cross-fire of your destruction.
and i fight myself to not return the hatred and the anguish
you see, what you did, was selfish
self-loathing
perverse
destructive
destroying life and its joy
i look at the trees dance in midst of winds and storms
and i long for their serenity
grace
peace
and beauty
their branches may break
but they continue life growing
i watch her
helpless
hurt
bound
caged like a bird
that belongs in the free skies
flying high and low
as it pleases
but you held her
robbed her
tore her
leaving her
searching
for a love
something to fill the void
the more i see
more i hate
the more i want to hurt
****
you
and
i.
you for
taking
manipulating
taking advantage of her
innocence.
and i
for watching
not giving her
sufficient love
to make
her
realize
that you
were not
her lover
her care-giver
her provider
her everything
but that
you were her
button to
self-destruction
her
predator.

broken promises
empty words
beautiful and luring
yet
deceiving
oh how you lie
you know the sweetest words
and they ****
fill my heart and body with senseless hope
uplift me to the moon
to come crashing down
death sweep over me soon
what is the point?
what is the point of having loved you?
what's the point of a beautiful lie?
i am your marionette
control my dance
i never stood a chance
i'm a fool for your love

i am a prisoner of your heart,
you stole everything i ever dreamed of

lie to me
lie to me and tell me you're happy
lie to me and tell me that life is all that you wanted it to be
lie to me and tell me that you don't ever think of me
lie to me and smile with your eyes as you die
lie to me and laugh with your heart crumbling before your eyes
lie to me and say you don't love me
lie to me and say you never think of me in your dreams
lie to me.



tell me that everything is fine.
and tell me that you were never meant to be mine.



lie to me because you know i never will.
wish i could tell you that i hope you
cry.
die.
lie restless at night
thinking of the child that was ours
ache in your heart knowing you
rejected your
own
blood.
and though the tears come streaming down like floods
lie to me.

all my life
i recall
feeling, not hearing
feeling this voice say
i wasn't meant to be here
feeling this voice say
you won't make it past 18
feeling this voice say
you're not worth much

september
seasons change, leaves fall
i knew i wasn't worth anything
tossed away like a filthy rag
ravaged like a slaughtered pig
i knew.
only to hear in familiar voices
the same
only to see in familiar faces
the disgust of my presence

how i ached to
strip the skin
that held each ***** in its place
how i lusted after
the obliteration of my being
how i desired
for someone to take this life
that wasn't worth living

may
flowers bloom and i wilted
i cried in the wake of my 18th birthday
for many years
i prayed that life
would cut my breath short in my sleep
i was not meant to be here
i wanted to die
i wished and prayed someone
would ****** me
**** me
stop this heart from beating
because my body and soul
ached with every heartbeat
how could a heart continue beating
after being shattered?
how could a heart pound underneath my chest
after such circumstances?

life isn't kind
life isn't fair
he is gone
and i am here
your smile lit up even the darkest of places
why am i here?
this isn't my life to live
i always knew.

you
and
i
had a love
so pure
love
in it's purest form
innocent
and
fragile
can you blame me
for never being able
to stop loving you?
my mind says
he'll leave again
don't believe him
forget him
but my heart
yearns for him
holds on to the hope
that tears at me every day

how i wish i could forget you
i wish i didn't still love you
i wish my heart didn't skip a beat
every time i hear your voice or see your face
i wish i didn't love you so endlessly.
you, it's always been you.

the trees dance and the winds whisper my name
to walk on the lies you could no longer tame.
keep running from whom I once held dear
gasping from the suffocation of my fear.


how I long to strip off my skin
the world's spinning, obscuring his sin.
screaming and my face full of tears
but it falls on deaf ears.


fall to my knees and cry out to the skies
seeking rest in the eyes of The One so wise
and he said: "I'll take upon myself what is broken and shameful,
to give you life and make you beautiful."

you come to me in my dreams
haunt me, taunt me.
tell me sweet lies
and our time together flies
only to wake alone
heavy with a heart of stone

and i'd give anything
to hear you sing
i carry you deep within me
i feel you in the breeze by the sea

calling, calling my name
and i am here to blame.

if only you knew
how long i've wished that i would forget you too

if only you understood
that i did everything that i could.

if only you could remember
that you promised me forever.

if only you would care
that deceiving me, was more than just unfair.

im living in memories that will not fade
but in this bottomless pit, my bed i have made.

i don't understand what i have done wrong
im doing my best to keep it together, but i'm not that strong.

i had a love for one, so dear, throughout the seasons
faithful and unfailing that need not a reason

for an endless love, i promised to wait
but you and i weren't destined to be fate.

what would i say to you?
              would you care to listen
                  that my eyes no longer glisten?
would it be worth attempting to speak
           when my heart, mind and soul are weak?
or would i be speaking to deaf ears
                that cannot bear to hear all my fears?

maybe if you could see the fear
              birthed well within  my soul
maybe if you could feel
             the wounds that perforated even the depths of my being
maybe if you could smell
             the suffocating death deep within me
maybe if you could taste
             the saltiness of my tears, and

maybe if you could hear the screams of my bleeding heart
                           maybe, then you would understand the extent
                                                      of the damage you have created..

so i lay with the words buried in my heart
trembling and silent.