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girl May 2013
It was just a little test for myself
Sometimes I like to do that, throw little challenges here and there
I wanted to see if I could do what most girls fail at
I wondered if I could spend the night with the cutest guy in school and not get attached
A little drugs, a little drinking, the rest of the night together making memories he wouldn't remember

But I woke up in the morning and left, freaking out
I picked up my clothes and tried to put them on silently so I wouldn't wake him up
I didn't want him to be angry
He truly does have the most beautiful face I've ever seen
Before I snuck out the door left ajar,
I peeked back at him
I'd never seen his hair product-less and messy like that
I'd never seen his face so far away, thousands of miles in dreams and thoughts
This man who drank and swore and didn't seem to have any soul at all
Then looked to me like a beautiful, vulnerable child

I knew I had to get out before the feelings came so I ditched that room as fast as possible
I hopped over unconscious bodies still recovering from the haze of the previous night's party
I finally found an empty recliner
And dozed off

I woke up two hours later in a fright
I was in a room full of people I didn't even like
Why did I go to that party anyway
Those were not my people
Drugs and drinking were not my thing
Oh, now I remember
It was his birthday party
He who held me like a baby after a night of acts that would make any mother cringe
I knew this recliner was a bad idea and wondered if there was any way I could get back in bed with that beautiful boy
I knew I'd always regret it if I didn't

I opened the door as silently as possible
and crawled back under those thick white sheets
I tried to lay as far away as possible,
because people who don't have feelings for each other do not need to hold each other more than necessary
And he had none for me
And I could not have feelings for him
Just when I felt a hollow sadness strike
He reached out his foot and placed it adjacent to mine, a small gesture
I let his instep match mine and sighed inexorably with content
This little touch filled me with a happiness I'd never known
No feelings though, remember?
I chased that thought away and let my other foot get tangled up in his
My legs followed and soon we were cuddled up again
I peeked at him again and saw a trace of a smile on that (hungover and half-asleep, but beautiful) face
I wanted to kiss him but I wasn't sure if that was allowed
So I just pressed my smile against his arm
We laid there forever it seemed

Eventually though, he held me out at arms length and leaned away from me and began to cough
He coughed a few times and apologized,
then coughed just a few more
Then he went back to sleep

I can't explain the way I felt when those coughs hit him
I wanted to reach out and hold him
I know he smokes way too much
But I felt like it was my fault his lungs weren't perfect
I wanted to protect him from all things bad like coughing
All the signs were there before, now that I look back
But that's the exact moment when I knew feelings were going to be a problem
girl May 2013
I just hope we don't end up strangers again
I wish we could repair what we've broken
But you have too little time before your student visa expires
And I have too little courage to put myself back out there
I hope you remember me occasionally when you're 3,340 miles away
girl May 2013
As your hand grips the headboard
and mine grasps the wrinkled sheets
I wonder what this is
One night stands are supposed to be straight-forward
We are not in a relationship
But if I spent all year trying to get you
And all night having you
What do I do in the morning, when I have simply had you
I no longer know how to speak with you
I know there were no strings attached
How do I casually let you know it would be fine if you ever wanted to do it again?
I promise not to get emotionally attached
We never have to be sober around each other
We can take shots in your bed again
I just wanna watch you take your bow-tie off again, I could help
Something about you makes me want more
I promise it's not emotional
I can **** without it meaning anything just like you do
It can be purely physical

I almost wish one of us had left after
You asked me if you could stay, but it was your bed anyway
I asked you if I could stay, but you never answered
You should have answered, you should have told me to get out
Who the hell cuddles after a one night stand?
I barely know you, but you read my body like braille
Whispering drunken secrets after
You don't get to teach me how to shift from screams to whispers so effortlessly and decide you only want it once
Just one more time before you leave
I swear I won't get emotionally attached
girl Apr 2013
One of the four lights over my vanity blew out today
The bulb doesn't look the way it used to look
It doesn't look the way it looked before the light
It is hardly noticeable, but once you spot it you can tell
It's a shade darker in one area; a little burnt patch from the light
It was the light that blew out, not the bulb
But now neither are useful

What's a light without its bulb -- the glass casing to hold it in?
A light without the bulb still shines
It shines too brightly though
Despite the high melting point, the tungsten filament can be extremely delicate
It needs its glass case

What is a bulb without a light -- that which makes it useful?
What is the purpose to an empty glass ball?
I suppose it can be beautiful, if viewed by the right person
But can it really be appreciated by most without the light?

One was delicate, it needed another to keep it from falling apart
One was empty, and needed another to fill it with light
Both needed each other

So am I the light or the bulb?
And which were you?
girl Apr 2013
When I was still a first-year I did some research
Just as a science project
I looked into the danger of wildfires
I discovered that in some national parks
Fires are intentionally set
Just to clear out underbrush which restricts the growth of the older trees
It makes perfect sense
But addressing the concept baffled me
Setting a fire on purpose could help preserve the life of a stronger entity
As long as the fire is contained
So all those little arguments that seem like wildfires
Might not be so bad
Maybe they are to clear out the so called "underbrush"
The minor things that restrict the growth of the stronger entity, that is our relationship
Shouldn't the stronger entity come first?
As long as our arguments are contained,
I believe they can help us to grow
Because I read somewhere that fires are intentionally set
For a better purpose
girl Apr 2013
I remember wandering down the streets of Boston
On a shopping expedition to find the perfect earrings for the show that night
I couldn't wear just any old pair to the Opera House
I saw a staircase in an alleyway
Leading to the basement of an old building
I would've steered clear
But there was a little wooden sign
"old books"
I made a strict detour and spent forever in the underground bookstore
It was a maze of shelves
The smell of the old ink & paper was intoxicating
What Opera House?
What earrings?
What obligations?
If I could spend my life in one place
It would be that little Boston bookstore
girl Apr 2013
Compelling charm that can inspire devotion in others
Can you imagine?
Being so fluent with your words, so ably presentable that you could encourage and influence people to take action?
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