Just for the record dear but
I saw a bunch of things that mean that you did
And after yesterday I'm sad again that you want to leave
Ibcan't fight to keep a man
Who doesn't want to stay
All I do is wait til he calls
Which is not
******
It was just getting really interesting
Leaving today after all that yesterday?
Well it was another day in the sun
Wonder what tomorrow will be.
You know how to surprise me
And I you
And I love you

PS you were serenading me? Were you? I thought it was another joke at first. I want to ask and stuff.
Do we ever get that chance?

All I hear when I try:

(How is this for ambiguously annoying duo:)


I really love you
(It will not work)
You're the sun the moon and the stars
(You ****)


All I say:

I really love you
(Sorry I did not understand)
You're completely amazing
(You **** too)

Yes we both like being alone a lot but know the other side of the freedom is...freedom and it ain't always free is it?

you're pushing and pulling and raging  and all I am doing is letting you can't you see?

I just don't know how to love you the way we both dream of.

Goodnight and if the new stars shine brightly enough for you, good luck

And numbness blessed numbness til the pain or love or maybe apathy someday will roll in

Your manly pride
Which please, have no fear
It's electric
Even when you won't even touch me
What is that about?

I already told you it's
Unforgettable

Like nothing I ever knew or will again
But how would I know?
I'm even less experienced than you could possibly imagine
And yet you think with your warped thoughts
That it is other
It is not
I'm more alone than ever
And yet it's not the worst thing

Mr.

You're the expert, remember?
You think I had a boyfriend?

I didn't
I don't
I could
I won't
It won't do
One got in and I kicked him
Twice
Others would love to
Oh how nice. Thank you you but no thanks

So
No one touches me. The baked goods locked away in a pretty cabinet since the leaves were still on the trees
That is my truth
Since for
Fcking
Ever
For you

And that
Is my
Choice
Because what I want and what I get are mutually exclusive
I'm funny like that

And the world still turns

Whiny girl who discriminates for reasons of chemistry and admiration, didn't get her way? Boo fcking hoo. It's not Somalia. Or Sudan.

And so look where that gets me
I'm Jane Austen in Becoming Jane
I'm Laura Ingalls Wilder with no Almanzo
I'm Greta Garbo
Who actually didn't say
"I want to be alone"
She actually SAID
"I want to be left alone"
Quite a bit different really
And I didn't ask for either intentionally but I'm here living proof it happens
So
I'm a spinster
Because for that I don't bend
Except for you

I'm a genius!!

Non-poetic Prosy Informational?Post Nimber....uh I LostTrack About 10,000 Posts Ago:

Sweetheart... My love for you first came at a time when I had absolutely no idea about...anything. Thank you for your unbelievable patience. The love,  it has not left me, once. My wish is that we can learn to reciprocate and communicate with laughter and the best of what we had, offline.
Sometimes it's sheer torture so I know that's it's love, for me at least. Don't know why it happened but it's true. You are in my heart and soul and it's the strangest thing ever but I'm still hooked. This is finish catching ,or release time now. I think we know that.

Folks, this love and admiration is for the man who somehow captured my heart while deliberately trying to not capture my heart.
I'm sorry about that. You refused over and over again and I didn't mean to push, just explain but you would not listen. Let's just say that I'm much more self-aware now.
Wait I'm not going to apologize for any of that.

Anyway
We are very different in some ways but
I feel that it's a soul connection. He has been my rock. It's phenomenal how kind he can be. He has his own stuff going on too and I respect it. Life is complicated I guess. We all have choices we have to make for out own lives and I'm a cerebral kind of person and I did not know he was there for me or why or when or where or how sometimes but I felt it, like an invisible connection through the ether. And I'm deeply grateful for it always.
Anyway this all started at the  beginning of what I could only call a period of wallowing, searching, growth, expansion and contraction and let's face it, I couldn't get my head straight for more than oh say,
Like an hour or two at a time, tops. It was a difficult transition for me and I made some decisions that didn't make sense except to me, but I certainly leaned the ropes along with some painful life lessons.  Trial by fire and all. Yikes!

I ******* it all up
He ******* up too some

I think we both learned a lot.

All I know is that I am not that simpering clueless girl anymore. I feel that I'm really ready now to debut the best version of myself yet. I can feel the forward motion finally!! It's exciting. . I've been doing massive inner work so it seems like I stalled but I was just idling. Now ready to roll. But I don't speed anymore. I enjoy the ride, and I will enjoy the rise and fall of the events around me, or at least sponge up all the knowledge that I can.
FYI I am all that I write and it's not window dressing. Every single thing I ever wrote is true right down to the odd stories of my childhood mishaps.  I have had an apparently entertaining life and there's much more to come. Like, what happened to my sister's chickens?! (Who cares?)
Anyway I  admit that I was a mess and far from perfect. it took time for me to realize that I was just preparing myself for my life's work...and that is to love the people in my real world for the rest of my life even if it's only to say hello. And some virtual love if I happen to be online which is simply not the same but a great distraction when it's cold out or boring, you know?
I hope beyond hope that my future includes this amazing man because he is the only man I want to be with iRL and I've tried in so many ways to let him know and ******* that up too, utterly. Repeatedly.  I don't even know if he will ever actually talk to me in person again, and I can't ask.
I'm not even sure how to let him know about tomorrow or was that another gotcha?
That is the state of things. I have faith in myself and I know that I am a one-man woman so if it's not him, I'll heal up in a decade or two and write a bunch more stuff and eventually be set to try again! Whooooo!
There's sooooo much more I'd like  to share about him but it's private. I won't post online about..really private stuff.
So this is a message to all of you:

What happens online is anybody's guess. Same as life I suppose.

Let's see

I'm in my friends car
She wants me to look at wedding dresses
We drive by your exit
I try not to cry
And now I see my battery is nearly dead
Again
But I am not dead
Not yet
And since I decided a long time ago
When I really really wanted
To die
That it would not ever be by my own hand
I have to live
I want to live
Mostly
I wish
It was different now
But it isn't
And I am no robot
Even though you think so

I can't even believe this life I'm iPods
Poemsand stupid phone
Holy freaking hell
And heav'n
Not abbreviated any more
Thank you honey
My teacher
Poems titled pebblebamBamtripsheavinesslightnessforcecjoicepowerjoysolitarycou­pleflowknowledgeworLdandorword love
Together
Or no
No matter
Yet
Stay tuned apparently
:D

(Pardon the ramblings of a delirious (ly happy, almost...arisen (not in a religious way) rider of this reality.
I almost used an Oxford comma up in there oops yes I'm slow. Too ****** bad if it's not fast enough for you

And it obviously will include you in some way it seems if you aren't too ****** at me to find out. You are weirdest chameleon wizard thing ever laid my eyes and my hands on and I know you love to read this stuff so there you go my dear, I'm beyond impressed

Anyway
How bizarre
My brain is scrambled green eggs and ham
So in love with your words
We shall see about our reality
You have altered mine somewhat and
You will probably never know
How many ways
And how glad I am that I ever even got to meet you
I remember pretty much all of it in crisp detail
Will always want more and that is our blessing and our curse
I am honored really and yes I know it's all weird. Um, What the Kafuck?( I just made that up.)
McFuck
No thank you
Nah I'm no eminem
I can see the next round in my mind's eye
Sketching now and smiling and such
(Did I ever tell you I love your whole body?)

I know what to do now

I know

(Coming down from outer space again slash still)
Did you know that "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" I love you Ben Stiller!  is my one of my all time favorites?
You'll no doubt know how the landing goes I can't even believe how endless and vast your mind is and why is it mine that it clicks with?

Or yes wait I'm dreaming again
If I called you, you would ******* off. I do know what you're waiting for
I'm gaining in knowledge too
And respect for all
Just you wayyte 'enry 'iggins
Just you Wayyte

It's going to feel amazing
When I finish wiping off the dust from the landing

I am excited now
I feel the fire growing in me now
February is gone

And I'm grateful for every moment
Believe it or not it's been a fruitful month

(He has little faith in me
And my loyalty to him
He thinks anyone else matters like that to me. Really.  If only he knew. Wait I'm telling him now.
It's understandable
He's entirely WRONG about the loyalty thing it but it's understandable.)
I blew it
And I will blow it again
But never again in that way
I could not bear such a thing again
To hurt another was the worst
Biggest pothole ever
Never even saw it coming
So
Breathing deeply and moving from that for good

If
he is letting me go
I will bear it. Savor and enjoy it. Through pain yes.
If he is not letting me go I will savor it and enjoy it if I can ever figure it out through pain yes but perhaps
Something indescribable
But not ugly ever
and meanwhile
Hansel  or
is it Gretel?
Back at the farmmmm
Thinks on her couch
One at a time
Or one for all time
I'm a human but I am loyal to those who are loyal to me in reality
I was dim but
I have evolved and I'm going To prove it
You read it here first  love

Or did you?

There is nothing stopping me except for me and I know it

Thank you woj

(I wonder if he will be around to see version 4.5, arriving soon )

I always get the jokes honey
When you wave them around in my face long enough
Genius
So that's what I did to you. Well not the genius inborn or created from the needs. That part that was well-hidden just like the rest. It's your way. But
(I'm aghast for real about the damage it is much worse than I could have thought)
And I get it
Well not your end. I know how it felt for me and I wouldn't wish that on anyone
But anyway now I can see  what you laid out
Or didn't
Last night

I usually get there
about 12-24 hours too late
Ohhh.. Sound! Music!
Bright shiny things!
Magicians! Cotton candy clouds!
Zombies! Flaky puffs! Hot stuff!
800 thousand other metaphors
Love!? And other things
Except one. Right. I feared as much.
Gulp. Awful.

And hey now look it's March!
Spriiiing is coming
Thawing
Ground will be fertile again
Someday
Good thing because my houseplant is on life support

I have to stop now before I get...
Never Mind

It's grist for the cotton gin
It's a bit like that time
I broke my ankle
And my mom cared enough to only wait a week
Before sending me for an X-ray. True story
But the damage was already done and
So what. I had a mom who loved me and I still do
In her odd detached way
So I still hobble on
A broken ankle
But I hobble
Try to engage myself
Hobble not run
Because that's all I can do
But not to you
Go ahead, you can laugh at my limp but that doesn't keep me from walking through the rest of my shattered life
Picking up pieces
[Because the thing about me that you cannot fathom is
That I don't lie about anything]
All I want to fabricate is pathways and/or walls where they are called for
I just don't tell the entire truth
And if you want it I'll probably tell you
The whole truth
Which is "better" which is "worse"? Fabrication/grinding or creating/welding?
Who cares anymore?
I do.
Because it all hurts so much
But out it comes, out from all of us
So ok
Let it flow

Look around
Ouchies
And beauty too

I do see it all everywhere, whereas you see...who knows. I think you see more but just though a different lense. Wickedly bright and sharp and yes, strong. You should get a patent! But you are not all right or all wrong and neither am I. Just different and wonderful in our own rights.

So look away look here look there do what you do do what you want you're free as a bird and you always were. I broke a wing but you're flying stronger than ever. What an accomplishment. Proud of you and I'm grateful it was survivable.

Just incredible

Just wanted to thank you
For tellin me to *******
Again
And
Again
And.
Again
Thank you

So on the day I was born
I nearly died
(And wait for it because it's not a sad ending)
If you knew what my early life was like
You might not judge me about
My former, sometimes avid wish
That they hadn't been able to save me
And sure still sometimes when I feel
That it's just all too difficult to cope
Too hard to deal with
And I face my reality which from the outside looks not so bad at all
And I face my lack of skills judgment
And my grievous errors that haunt me
As many of us do
And then say well ok. So I'm a fck-up
(When and if we as people wake the fck up already!)
I do see it all playing out differently
No emotionally stunted uncherished
Girl with abandonment issues
(Mostly silent observer of many many things but alas, and painfully not the most obvious things, so frustrating!)
Wandering undisciplined unorthodox unnoticed kid
Who thought, uh, why am I even here?
But I'm very relieved to be able to say
I was wrong
Because everyone matters to
Someone
Still don't know why I didn't die then
Or in the dozen weird unintentional near misses since then
But I'm writing this to say
The difference is that now
I'm glad to be here