I'm so sad
And I want to say I love you but I can't
Not when I think I am about to shatter
My hands are made of glass
And if you come any closer, they'll crack
My fingers are already brittle,
And I can't stop them from shaking
And it hurts, it hurts so bad
But it's nothing, I promise,
Everything's fine, I'm just a little sad.
My ears, they are tin
And noise echoes through them
And the sound is too loud
Everything is too loud,
Words enter the cavern between my ears
They come and stay for too long
And the black tar of every lie I’ve discovered,
Every betrayal, has stayed since that year.
And it hurts, it hurts so bad, they’re so loud,
But I’m just sad, nothing to worry about.
My head between my ears is about to burst.
But I’d like to smash it into a wall first,
Maybe a chair, a table, a desk,
They call to me, entice me,
Offering rest if  I could just...
Smash my porcelain head.
Crunch, crack, splinter,  
The  bone china pieces of my mind
Mingle about in shards on the ground
Sharp, glossy, polished pieces scattered about
But everything is so peaceful.
Finally…some quiet.
I look around with my singular eye,
The only thing left without a crack
Before I lower my lid and die.
Please sleep well,
This is my last “goodnight.”

We draw to escape our lives,
We draw to escape reality.
With every stroke of a pen,
We wander into insanity

but the moon is beautiful,
and in little over a month,
we'll be sitting under that moon on a mountainside,
far away from everything were going through now.
in a little over a month,
that same moon will sing us to sleep,
its soft lullaby blowing through the trees.
in a little over a month,
i'll be saying goodnight to you again.
and for now, i'll say goodnight to you,
simply, well, and plain.

is crafty little two liners,
and nobody likes them anyway.

You are yellow,
And so am I.
Up in the powdered sky
We’re the color of the sun
The hue of lemon lollipops
The taste of summer and fun
The color of daisies
And the down of chicks
The aura of the 70’s
Like my favorite old kicks
In a mustard form:
Yellow, tattered, and torn.
So while the sky is dusty blue
And our faces are warm
Rosy cheeks and calico skies
Blue from after the rain had died
This yellow tints it all
Because yellow
Has made
Me fall.

What is special about love?

When they don't care for you,
But they're all you can think of?

When you begin to think,
Am I not enough?

This is the love in which
You'd give your all for that person with every action,
The love where you care so deeply
But they only return a fraction,
and they just...

...kinda care.

It is the most painful form of love.
Worse than the unrequited.
Worse than the forbidden.

It is the not-enough.

The you-don't-measure-up.

Where the person you'd go to hell and back for
hardly notices when you're down.
Only slightly cares when you're not around.

The not-enough.

The why-do-you-care-so-much?

Where the person you'd stay up to listen to
Until your eyelids force themselves shut
Only listens when it is convenient for them too.
You may think they care too, but...

This is the not-enough,
Where you are never enough.

And this is love.

But it is destruction.

The aching in my chest hasn’t left
Since you texted me
That you were leaving.
                         I stood in the grocery store
                        And cried as I read the words
                        Hovering above your head.
I lost myself that night.
Told you I was fine,
But i spent the rest of my time
In those two days after
Trying to get you
Out of my mind.
                         It didn't really work.
Sleeping used to be easy.
Every night, i’d see you,
And in the morning I’d cry.
                         In a week,
                         I stopped wanting to sleep.
The only thing
That helped me drift
Was listening to your music.
Pretending it was written
For me.
                        A month and ten days.
When I last saw you
Guitar in hand
Head swaying to the tunes,
                        I wish I had gotten to at least
                        Say goodbye.
I didn't know
It was going to be
Six months
Until I’d be with you again.

                        I miss you.

Little things you do
Drive me crazy
I’m going insane,

You’re making me insane.

The way your smile
Scrunches up your eyes,
Its beautiful.

The way your laugh
Makes me feel
Like I’m on a high

And cant get down

Your little habits
Drive me wild;
I think i love you.

I think i do.

You, you are my healer,
Stitching my tattered limbs back together
So that you can rip them off again.

You, you are my dreamer,
Painting beautiful galaxies
And forcing me back to reality again.

You, you are my seeker,
Finding me, saving me, and fixing me
So you can leave me alone again.

The ringing in my ears hasn't left
And schrapnel and shards stick out from the rubble.
Rummaging, scrounging for a useful miracle
As my emotions have been wrenched into purposeless scraps
Heaped on the floor, like overworn rags.
I'm looking for pieces of him.
If I'm lucky, I'll dig up a fragment from the dust
And brush it off; rid it of soil and rust.
And I'll gaze... and stare... and wonder...
Then remember he doesn't care.
And the snippet of him I'd found in the dirt
Will crumble between my hands
And I'll try to scrape up what's left I can find,
But it's already swallowed by land.

you are so cool
writing poems that dont rhyme
with imagery
hyperbole
and similie
to tell perople whjat your terrible life is like.

There have been enough poems written about love.
And plenty more written about heartbreak.
I have indulged in the composition of both,
Roped into a reckless dance with the whipping wind
and the insanity of the heart's desires.
While engulfed in my emotional fires,
I have never felt so cold as I do now.
Poems about love, poems about heartbreak,
I drink them in and regurgitate the meaningless words.
Beauty: colorful, soft, bright, airy, ephemeral, blissful.
Batting of the eyelashes, scintilliance of the mind.
Pain: sharp, dark, throbbing, unforgiving and relentless.
Collapsing of the lungs, aching of the soul.
These are the empty images, sensory details that crowd
the screen and saturate the dreamy, inspired writer.
Those that love the hardest
Shatter in the most violent manner.
I am sick of a community
Founded on toxic vulnerability.

Broken pencil tips, scattered shavings peppering the floor.
Colored pencils with chewed ends and waxy bits fill my briefcase.
All business here, hard at work on the daily.
Would you like a portrait drawn of your personality lately?
Cracked skulls and broken bones, with hints of red paint splattered in the background.
Neon lights and smoke signals, deep green lakes shrouded in fog in the distance.
All of these things, piecing together a picture of your likeness.
And I sit with the tools of my trade, blades to sharpen my wooden spears as they tear across the canvas
The rubber bricks that scrape across the angry mistakes
But with innocence, sitting idly, doodling into oblivion.
The yellow plastic crayola briefcase holds 47 different stems used to brighten the darkness I paint of you.
Pipe cleaners and fake daisies litter the serious work with a simple joy, in unison with the sparkles and glitter.
Criss cross apple sauce on the floor, little pink screwdrivers and cerulean hammers spread about,
The aura of this portrait is coming out in the expressions carved into the palate you have given me.
Angry lines and foreboding greys and blood hues, and cool creeping colors that seep into your skin,
Crawl in juxtaposition to the bubbly universe outside the box.
Keep the anger and fear and sadness on the paper, keep the ugly and the bitter and the unsavory away.
In my briefcase, I only keep the tools.
The happy little helpers of art and beauty.
Please keep all the bad away.
Please keep all your mad away.
Please take your portrait and leave.
Thank you for your business.

I teeter back and forth at your will,
Stuck in a limbo of who I should love.
Sometimes I want to kiss you so badly,
I want to hold you close to me,
Pull your shoulders into mine.
But I know that it can never happen.
Your heart belongs to someone else,
And mine is out for lease at the moment.
That one; I care for him so much,
But I will never be able to stop loving you.
Your eyes have the universe in them;
My life dances at the ends of your fingertips.
For so long, you have enchanted me,
And forever, we will remain in this limbo,
Waltzing intimately with despair,
As he and I have become quite close recently.
In the wake of the storms you bring me.

it's truly Art:
the crafty way in
which you made me fall
so desperately in Love with you,
the way you knitted the strings
of my heart into careful knots,
that even with Time and
Patience and Healing,
they have not yet
come undone.

it was so Clever
when you stole my
Reason, and Clarity, and
Peace, and sense of self Worth.
when you made me feel so special
in turn to only make me feel so
Unwanted. Unnecessary.
and so very Unloved.

and it was so Charming
when you brought me flowers
and thought that I was going to stay,
even after how you made me feel like
I was nothing more than Disposable.
after you left me Alone on that
day I should never have
been remotely Lonely.
You truly thought
that I'd stay?

how Naive of you
to  believe  that  you
had  that  much  sway
over my Sad Little Heart.
you really did, but
I would never
admit that
after we
split, I
Cried.

All
Night.

you're so precious;
a kiss on the cheek.
a comforting squeeze,
statement made while half asleep.

you're so precious;
arms wrapped around my head
to keep from falling off the edge
of your pitiful college twin size bed

you're so precious;
not quite an "I love you"
but with eyes bright and hair askew,
I know you mean it. I know you do.

It's a blessing and a curse
To be nothing
Nothings better, nothings worse
Than being nothing.
Those pretty bruises on your neck
Keep my wild hopes in check,
Every time you return,
I mean nothing.
                                     ...and
It's a horrible game,
Meaning something.
Fleeting feelings always change
Yet theres something.
The way you look into my eyes
Under those endless starry skies.
I'll never really know
If we're something.

Bumblebee
Blue, and cold.
He stares up from his perch
of raspberry and goji rose--
the neck of his resting place
hooked between my fingers, swinging.
Back,
And forth.
Back and Forth.
The rhythm of my stride
In time with his dance,
And entire existence suspended
Within the fringe of my hand.
Yet I trip,
I slip and his world
Shatters--
Glinting, Indigo, and
tattered.

Rolling
Rolling
Skating fast

Hands,
Head,
Street.

Everything is black.

Fuzzy colors
Sharp pain
Where are my legs?

There they are

Sit up
You’re fine
Get up n skate

Just a scratch.

Gotta get to school
Can’t be late

Why can’t i see?
Geez, scraped hands
My head hurts.

My glasses
Where are they?
There they are.

Broken.

**** it.
My favorite pair.

Should i just go to school
Deal with it there?
Wait

What's that

Drip
Drip
Oh, its blood

Rivers down the temple
In my eye
Ha, like in cartoons.

Gotta get home
Walking, though.

Air, air
I need air.
Breathing is hard

But i'm fine
Why am i crying?
It doesn't hurt.

Stop.

Don't embarrass yourself,
People saw.

Do you need help?
no, haha
Im fine,

But thanks.

Do you need a ride home?
No i'm just going
Around the corner

Would you like a napkin?
Hm...
Yes please,
thank you.

Gotta get home
Call mom?
No

Tell ryon.

Get inside, clean yourself up.
Not that much blood,
I guess.

Ring
Ring
Oh, it's ryon

Hey, are you okay?
Tears, laughter,
No.

Do you want me there?
The show,
You can’t

I’m coming.
Okay,
okay,
Thank you.

The world is swirling
Vision's getting spotty
Black, Purple, Blue.

I’m gonna pass out.

No, just sit.

My hands,
I didn't notice cuz of my head.
My wrist

O   u   c   h.

Wash your hands.
Wipe your face
Eugh, it's cold.

Ryon?
Yeah, I'm still here
Are you still coming?

On my way.


...

Car door
Footsteps

Knock
Knock
It's ryon

Oh my goodness
Ha, I'm a bit of a mess

HANNAH!
Sorry, I fell.
Ha, I might be late.

Ice
Ow
It's cold

Call mom now?
No
I'm calling her.
No!

She's coming.

Hey
My phone is gone.
Oh, there.

Isaac.
Oh, what do I say?
No show tonight
Haha

Not anymore.

Please don't worry about me.
Please.

*** ARE YOU OKAY
HOLY F#@K WHAT HAPPENED
I fell

But I'm okay

Are you sure?
Yeah I think so.

Okay,
As long as you're safe.

i'm sorry that i'm an idiot.

Your insecurity:
I’d like to eradicate it,
Free you of it's grasp.

Your doubt:
I’d like to help you with it,
Work through it 'til it's passed.

Your issues,
Your fears,
Your flaws,
Your worries,
Your confusion,
Your anxiety,
Your anger,
Your sadness,
Your blues:
I’ll walk through it all with you.

And if you'd like to,
maybe someday your life,

I'll let you hold my hand.

The sun was fading, that day.
I was folding laundry. It was winter? A winter sunset.
Chilly blue sky, highlighted with bits of faint, warm, coral clouds.
And i sat on the biting granite counter, nestled in cottony heaps
Cuddling with shirts and sweaters; simply feeling.
Perched in the laundry nook,
I knew things without knowing them.

Everything was glazed peach;
everything is okay.
Everything was okay, and everything will be okay.
Even with the moments of the not-okay,
the ones that plague us during the
In-betweens,
We find our okay.
And perched in the laundry nook,
I knew things without knowing them.

It swam through my arteries, gifting life to each cell
Within my cell of drywall and tile.
And with everything,
I loved you.
And with everything,
After all of the not-okay.
Sometimes i still find myself feeling
That love.

I hate singing.
But I love it.

There are songs that make me feel
like I’m on top of the world
And songs that make me feel
Like I’m sinking back into that old spiral.

Songs that evoke anger and rebellion
Where I’d like to watch the world burn
Songs that make me giggle and dance
Like I’m seven years old and immature

Songs that make me silent and melancholy
Where sleep takes me by defeat too often
Songs that make me daydream
About the wind and the stars and light that softens.

But there is one more song
That i particularly hate.
It's the song of time, truth, and pain.

The steel song of cynical reality
Clanging against the soft copper
Of my hopes, my positivity.

It's the song that feeds into my mentality
Until It is plump with romanticism
And hopeless fantasy.

I love singing.
But i hate it.

This is how he'll disappear:
Slowly, then all together.
As I try to sweep up the grime of his absence,
and try to make myself better.

But the shrill screeching of knives
will shudder through my bones.
When I try to remember it's over,
I'll still rock in the corner alone.

Back and forth, back and forth,
Clutching my frail chest.
The dog's ribs are poking out,
And the cat bit a hole in my dress.

Oh, What a life to live,
Oh what glorious stress.
For even the fourth time he's broken my heart,
I always return to that mess.

You are home
But he is mystery
You are comfort
But he is adventure
You are laughs and smiles
But he is butterflies in my stomach
You are late night conversations
And watching the stars
And playing competitive video games
But he is yelling at the top of my lungs
Blushing for no reason
And stage kisses
You are life,
and friendship,
and coming home to a smile
He is running in the rain
and skating in new york
And swing dancing
But you, you are childhood
You are adulthood
You are everything
At seventeen.

And I?
I am yours.

Why must you
Be like this?
Why cant I
Ever know where
You are?
Why do I
Miss you so
Viciously?
Really, you
are just a
Daydream.
Ideal, desired,
Unattainable.
Nothing more,
No
Thing
Less.

My veins have been replaced with ink;
Down, down, down I sink,
Skating on the unstable brink
of eternity and what others think.

Ah,
What are these thoughts,
These foreign, intrusive spots,
In the cavern of my head?

What is their purpose?

Is it
A disease which i have caught?
If it’s love, I’d rather be shot.
To be unloved is worse than being dead.

that's me.
         i'm the idiot.

the one that's always assuming
my sentiment is returned

the one that's always hoping
in vain, just to get burned.

it's me.
         i'm an idiot.

it was a lovely song, really.
i always knew it was about her.

but even a little part of me
broke a little more when you confirmed.

it's only me.
          i'm The Idiot.

then i gave you the coordinates
of my only safe space

i trusted you with the knowledge
that here i lose face.

and that was my biggest mistake.

                 look at me.
                 look at my poetry.

and tell me
             i'm not the idiot.

they all say
that tomorrow
is a new day,

hold on to
the hope that's
inside you.

but oh, tomorrow,
tomorrow will be
worse

than yesterday.

I can't see outside
The thick lenses of my glasses
Clouded by the stupid heat
Of my stupid tears
Over a stupid boy.

You said you loved me
So why'd you leave me all alone?
And now I'm crying and writing
Words that dont even make sense.
I cant even call it a poem.

You inspired me.
Or did you really?
Maybe what inspired me was just
The idea of you; maybe it was just...
Who I wanted you to be.

But now I see you
And I see you clearly.

Of all the sunsets in the world,
I’d like to sit and watch one with you.
If I could wish to go to any place,
it would not be a where,
or a when,
it would be a who,
and that who would be you.
I don't know
if i'm supposed to feel this way,
if i'm supposed to feel anything
towards you at all.
Because, truly,
despite my effort
not to collapse,
you have become
my biggest downfall.

i guess that's all i'll ever be to you.
and im alright with that.

but sometimes i wish you could see my smile
when you play ukulele over the phone.
and i wish you knew how the memory
of your hands in mine
helps me sleep a little better at night.
and that i feel a little less lonely when
i listen to the songs you write.

but i am a homie of the highest degree
and yeah sometimes it hurts,
but its okay with me.

It was vibrant,
In a nostalgia-dipped way.
The evening was a blur of
Floral shirts, black pants, and
Laughter that bubbled over like
A glass filled to the brim
With sickly sweet carbonation.
Memories circulate in the images of
Indigo Jackets, and Alien ball caps;
Sitting by the water,
Feet dangling off the east side of the tiny bridge
And words flitting about on the wind-
Mumbles about the future and the past.
Imagine the feeling,
The raw emotion and uncertainty,
As You tell someone of the memories that haunt you,
And they tell you of their torments,
Leaning forward on your arms, swinging your shoes over the side,
As they are laying back on the wooden planks, unafraid of splinters.
A Sigh:
An escape of breath that sends the wind scattering.
Puffs the air, turning it white in the cold.
Peace.
But the peace goes deeper than a slow bat of eyelashes
And the inclination of a head
Towards the one beside you
The deepness of the euphoria-
The colony of butterflies that have taken residence
Inside your stomach-
They no longer flutter uncontrollably,
But float along to a soft melody
Keeping time with the electricity
That hums through your fingertips
As he passes you the book.
The book that olds all his secrets,
All his dreams and creations;
And he is trusting you with it.
And those butterflies
They continue their looping dance
Still smooth, increasingly rapid
They Twirl,
Spiraling down into your gut
But still calm, like a babbling brook.
Chaos, oh, the soft chaos is
Overtaken by the beauty of the entirety.

where are you
where are you
where are you?
                              Not here.
please come back,
I miss you, but
would never
                               say.
your presence; I've
become addicted
to your presence.
                               where?
a five minute walk
north of where I
sit in this minute.
                               you?
please just return
your face, your smile
your voice, warmth
                               are.

Usually there is elation
When I see your name
On my screen.
Excitement!
Anticipation.
Just from one
Notification,

But tonight.
         There was
                       a crack
in my conscience.
And I missed you
So bad
That when your name
                appeared,
I left it alone.
In hope that it would
                    make you feel
Just as lonely
As you left me tonight.

silly girl.
     silly
        silly
            silly
                             girl.

the only one you're
making feel
                   anything
is
      yourself,
and you're just
                          lonely;

all over again.

Simply put
You are very lovely
And often times
Put my mind at ease.
And I think that I
Love that about you.

and when i am lost
in that expansive sea
and all sides, walls of water surround me
threatening to overrtake me
I cower amidst the crashing
and the clamor of their voices
are all i can hear.
there is a weight in my lungs
as i cling to my raft
but i know if i slip
down is the only direction i will go.
and my eyes can hardly open
flashes of foam and darkness meet my eyelashes
as the wind slaps me with her salty tears
that she has torn away from the sea itself.
and gutteral noises claw their way out of my throat
mourning, wails of what can only be described as anguish
shudder through my entire being.
and my soul aches for you
i squeeze my eyes shut in hopes of escaping this hell
white knuckilng my driftwood raft.
being torn apart, as the waves taunt my demise.
what a peace i could meet if i were to just--
let go.
and fall beneath the chaos of the surface,
through the furious tumult of currents below.
into the glassy depths that stare out at me.
and still my delicate balance screams
dont do it.
still the thought of your peace whispers
you'll get through it.
but the walls are too high,
and a canyon of water seperates me from you
and refuses to abate.
cries of pain, swallowed by the greedy shouts of the waves.
and i am tired.
I clutch my plank once more
inhale deep,
and let go.

and fall below.

Stable
If you imagine the embodiment of stable
He is stable
He is sure. And honest. And shy.
And competitive. And saucy. And kind.
He is warm and inviting. And i feel as if
He has opened his heart to me.  

The one
that turned my head
from the road i was
blazing down
alone, and unafraid.

then you came,
unexpected,
and ripped away my blindfold.
no longer was i raging towards my own destruction
on a path
that i forced myself down,
cutting through unmanageable terrain.

and i look over,
and youre there.
have you ever tried to run through knee deep snow?
or to sprint against the outgoing tide?
everything dragging against your progress,
yet still you push.
out of pure will power.
pure defiance.

and i ran. and ran.
i tried to get as far away from feelings as i could.
go. go. go.
no boys. no breaks.
no pain, and no pressure.
but here you came along
and stole my peace.
but really.
all you did was bring peace.
since youve been around
im much slower.
much more balanced.

and i dont think i love you. but
i really want to say I do.
Love is a scary thing.
I am terrified. I am terrified and all I want is you.
I am so scared, and all I want is you.

Again,
a case of everything I want.
but really something I dont need.
And its not as chaotic as last time.

you are the land
in correspondence to my sea.

I push, and pull and rage
against the idea of you
but still you stand.

stable. warm, inviting.
and no matter how my chaos
wrecks the other things that come towards me
the way my anger and sadness
swallows nations in their waves,

you remain.

poetry
      in my heart:
Singing just for you.
       I was
waiting
      just for you
But you haven't come
       and I wish
    I could just
Have your head on
  my shoulder one
       more time.
   in the dark,
two nights after
      you told me that
               you felt,
you were confused.
     The way you look at me,
and I you,
        makes me feel seen.
Studying the stars--
       tell me about music
    explain the function
  crack your ankles
laugh at me, though your eyes
       gasps at basketball dunks
   hum along to boy pablo
while playing computer games
   right next to me
philosophize until 7 am
          hands in pockets,
     knees angled toward each other
               falling asleep.
       Sun rise.
    tired smiles
all of the little
    things that say
         I care,
      I care,
        I care.
   until my body aches
with the fact that
      in your eyes
I see eternity
   and it terrifies me.

Asleep on my arm
Soft,
Small and precious.
Please
Lean your body against mine
Press your elbow
Into my side.
Sleep--
Calm,
Comfortable,
And cool.
Eyelids,
Smooth and fluttered shut.
Yet make me
Calm,
Comfortable--
A fool.

being at peace
is something
that is more difficult
than I would have imagined.

peace
actually requires
a lot of work.

feelings fight
in my mind,
encouraging me
to just stay
where I am
and struggle through
what im experiencing
to wallow in it
let it consume me
until it rips me apart--
but no.

i will not allow it.