i am nothing. i have nothing. i am no one. my body is not loved. my spirit is a stranger. i reside nowhere. my home is in my mind and i do not possess a mind. or a brain, or a body, or a soul because i am nothing. i am as air is. and that makes me free. but i am not free because i am nothing, and to be free you have to be. but because i am nothing, and i have nothing, and no one, there is no way for anything to hurt me anymore. no way to destroy me. for that has been done. and i am not a fan. so as i don't exist anymore, don't worry, because worrying about nothing is wasted time. and wasted time is only real sin in the world.

i know it wasn't perfect. but i felt like i was in heaven. you made me happy, so happy i felt ridiculous. we didn't fight much. but i can't tell now if that was a bad thing or not. i don't know why you don't want me anymore, is it because you loved getting ****** up more than me? cause it seems you've embraced that as your new lover. or maybe i was just the guy in between your separation. the sadness of your absence in my life is so hard to bear, i can't tell if it will ever go away. what does that mean? does that mean your my one true or something like that? i didn't believe in such nonsense. but i just don't know anymore.

i don't know anything. you gave me a pill that was too vague to swallow. if only you just told you didn't love me anymore or you fell for someone else. something else, anything else. but no, just that you were ****** up and you needed to go it alone. well guess what, i'm ****** up too. and the loneliness is killing me slowly. i think about our future many years down the line and it makes me so sad to think our lives won't be intertwined anymore. you'll live in France, and i'll live somewhere else and we won't talk anymore. i won't be able to look in your eyes or remember your smile. we'll have kids with other people and we'll die on separate continents and our hands will never grasp each other again. i loved your hands, i still do. i'm dealing with this pain every day and you probably hardly even think about me anymore.

i know now that you never loved me like i loved you. i was probably just a sweet guy in the torrent of **** you've been dealing with throughout your life. but for me, you were like that person i went looking for years ago after all the trauma and the pain, i ventured through the desert and i thought it over, i was numb and had already given up. and then you stood there before me, with one flip-flop, bathed in the summer light. you saved me from myself and i never told you that. i miss you. but i know that you don't really care.

i just want you to know that all the silly childish things i wrote to you in my letters, i meant every word. you are the best person i know and i will always care for you. i am proud to have ever been loved by you.

i read what i wrote and i just feel stupid. i feel as if i'm careening through life and no amount of thought will help me gain control. this is new. i am new. but what can i do? no amount of thought seems to heal. because i am lost. lost in the wild and theres no one looking for me anymore. time just moves. and i stand still.

i was in love with the world through someone else's eyes.

so here i stand. rooted, yet shakeable. looking for the answers. waiting for the answers.

knowing, i'll never know they're sweet sound in my ear, or the peace they might provide me.

dear sweet woman, i lost my leaves in the earthquake... now i am naked and cold. why stand under me? i can not give you the protection you seek. i do love you though, as i love all things of the night.

i remember it well, the day i died. i was in a park. filled with joy. you were there and so we walked. the bench smelled of sweat the homeless shed and tears from the broken souls. we sat and you crushed me so sweet and so bold. after you asked me if we ought to head to your house i accepted and we went there and i died. you didn't know it but i left my soul in your arms that day. when you held me because you didn't know what else to do. i floated away right then and even though my body was still able to lurch out of your front door, the essence was gone. now all i can do is watch. watch you live and love and cry and breath and work and go on without me. i have no desire to ever move on. even though my heart breaks every morning and heals by noon and is broken again by nightfall, i can't let go the feeling. that feeling you gave me, i still love it. i still long for it. but all this lonely ghost can do is wait, knowing that you moved on and even when you die, your ghostly shell still will not be satisfied with my love.

time like world just night love good don't mind away walk think dream  light ******* want hope sleep place know lost drunk thing way god.

i stood there, frozen in the moment. you seemed to look through me just like i was ghost. you set a fire upon me. or within me. and you turned and walked away.  you set it on my heart. and its been burning me alive. sheltered by my flesh. slowly my blood and sanity are sapped from me and no amount of water will douse it. this fire within. i can feel it growing. destroying my insides. my consumption of the liquid courage only quickens its pace. if only you had just walked back toward me, if only you cared enough to just blow out the evil you left me with. soon enough it will engulf me, until there is nothing left but bones, a brain, and a charred black broken heart. smoldering, in the dark.

i walk the streets from time to time.
just to gain some grounding.
i go in the night because it suits my mood.
i walk the alley ways because you learn the most about what sorrow is that way.
i watch the sadness seep out of the gutters and watch it rise until you have to no choice but to breath it in.
broken are the faces, as they wander back to the emptiness from which they came.
it hurts my soul to see them covered in the dust of our Babylon.
they are crushed by all the bad things until they fracture and become hollow, sad creatures.
as i walk, sometimes i look to the sky. i watch the clouds roll away and give the stars a view at us who can't seem to love the sun.

i miss when i enjoyed the light.