the reason i am. my hurt. my love. i'm selfish. i'm stupid. you, lovely. you, the reason for my hurt. i loved you. i grew my hair. i cut myself. i died. and you, you just kept on going. great god almighty, i don't believe in you. i'm tired. i'm drunk. i'm on my road to destruction. i will not turn away. unless you save me. because i can't live in this loneliness anymore. good ******* night.

i know i seem crazy. i am. but you don't fully understand. you are my ideal. i looked for five years. long and hard. i lost hope. and then there you were. beautiful as a god. with a name to rival the most wonderful thing in the world. the only thing. i loved you with every thing i had. i know i wasn't worthy. you deserve the world. your dad, anything you want. i love you so much. and i always will. until my end and believe me i will think of you. even if you don't love me. or think of me. or hate me.

you saved me. and i will never forget. please just remember our time.

pushing through the dark, my knuckles white with the excitement, my clothes soaked. the water drenching my everything down to my bones and soul.

i fight the gods.

wind and rain pelt me but i do not give, you can't take anything more because there is nothing left.

i laugh like Ahab.

my mind is lost. no more fear, just the task. going south at speeds relative to the bravest of men. i can't help but feel the greatness of not caring whether i make it there alive.

make it home to the quiet and still air. damp from the tears, i contemplate whether i beat the them or they beat me.

When i leave the warmth and shelter of the place i reside and travel by bicycle for what seems like a million miles, just to get home so i can think and dream of the world when we ruled, those times belong to you.

I start by bundling up to protect from the cold. then i insert my earbuds to set the mood.

Then i put my feet in the the baskets of my bike and we blast off together like a rocket soaring down the street, weaving and dodging *** holes, arms spread wide like a bird in the night. half hoping that the bicycle might at some point, break apart from underneath allowing me take flight unrestricted, without worry for how i get back down to the ground.

then i travel back from the fantasy in my mind, all the way back to my eyes and i realize my house is within in sight. and my ride is over. and there's no one home. and i'll never take flight. and i fade a little on the inside.

night time. my time. the GOOD time.

the darkness. only filled by street light, in my mind, its much more beautiful that way.

the world cast in orange. and what a lovely shade at that.

the empty streets. all for the taking, i ride them down the middle in bliss. the only sounds are the whistle of the wind and my wheels creaking.

if i get a chance, i visit you. like a stranger lost in the unknown but somehow always ending up in the same place every time he completes the circle.

it keeps me sane.

just looking at that brick box, filled with you, bursting with light, even at three in the morning makes me smile.

good night brick box, good night light, i hope you get it.

sleep is for the weak. and the stupid. for when one sleeps, they inevitably dream. and when one dreams, they try and escape the nightmares of life for a better place. though sometimes, it turns out being a worse one.

a gamble.

but one with no odds.

and only the stupid and weak put their lives in the hands of something they can't control. something that may backfire. so i stay awake with my eyes open and my consciousness sturdy. watching the sun set and wake, knowing, breathing, the clockwork of time.

and though it may **** me, i will never dream again.

for when one dreams, they believe they are free.

and the sad fact is, i am chained.

i can never fly. and all my memories of the wind and the sky, they were just a dream.

but i am awake now. so good morning.

i'm here. in the rain. in the cold. walking. my shoes are soaked. my jacket is a darker shade blue. my eyes hurt. i don't know if its the tears or the torrent. my back has shattered from carrying my heart. the water is deep and i'm starting to slow in my pace. wondering why you turned away from me, you went back to the shelter of your lonesome heart. you told me i couldn't come. so i trudge on. searching for the thing that gives me peace. it wasn't love. i thought it was, but love is fragile. it dies. like us. so i go on. without you. my inspiration. what else could i do? a man of my means is not fit for the world we live in. not the place where things don't make sense. where logic is cast to the wind, thrown away, expected to fend for itself.

how am i expected to make it out this alive? unaltered and without injury. did you ever think about that? i think not.

the light is gone and my body is cold and wet so maybe its time for me to give in to temptation and embrace the earth. kiss her rocky surface and allow her to absorb me, take me in because at least i know that she would never abandon me.