STRENGTH WILL FIND YOU SOONER THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT IT WOULD


With the love
I am overwhelmed
For the support
I am eternally grateful

Second day
A hazy day
The thought crosses my mind
Then stops
Comes and goes in flashes
A few tears crept their way to my eyes
But the day passed

Mama held me close that night
As I wept and she caressed my hair
She let me cry
She didn’t say a word
She was there
The way she always is
Thank you mama

That night, I could not get any sleep
I think he slept like a baby

That day my tears carved a hole under my eyes
I looked the way I felt
trying to go on with a day I didn’t want to be living

He took his jacket and my heart with him.
I tried to get my mind off it

Everyone told me to surround myself with people I loved
That day, there was nothing I wanted more than to have him next to me
That day I didn’t believe it would be better
That day I did not believe that anyone loved me

Watery eyes, blurred vision
I didn’t want anything
Food felt like an obligation
That day I did not have to fake a smile
I wasn’t expected to

I was held close by the people I love and the ones who love me
I realize that today

I wanted to go for a drive
Something familiar to us
Something we shared for a year and half
Laughter, sing alongs
and all kinds of stories

I though maybe in that moment I could change his mind
show him who we are, or at least a part of us
Something that reminds us of our good days

What was I thinking?
I couldn’t tell you.
We talked. I felt myself agreeing.
Did I really?
Not at all

We left on a hug
I thought I was okay.

Nothing felt much different, until the day before
His touch felt the same and so did his kisses.
He still smelled and smiled the same but nothing was really quite the same to him

My foolish self
making jokes about him leaving me to my friends
I didn’t know what I was getting myself into
It didn’t think about it twice
not even once.
I gave it no importance
or tried not to

My anxiety was sparking
to the thoughts of good news
good ideas
good thoughts only
This good kind of anxiety
The anticipation
But nothing was quite the same

Something started feeling wrong
the anticipation turned into what i dread most
anxiety

He walks in my room
with a lost look on his face
right then I knew

He sat on the couch,
He did not kiss me,
He did not touch me.

My hands were shaking
An elephant sat on my chest,
right then I knew
although I wish I didn’t

In a second, the words came out of his mouth
He didn’t want to be with me anymore
I didn’t know I would feel my heart break the way I did
And in silence,
the tears started to slide down my cheeks
It was the heaviest my heart had felt in years
I could not breathe
I heard him
but I didn’t want to

I suddenly heard myself asking;
Was it my fault?
Why am I not good enough?

december 9th 1996
a rainy rainy day

but when i turned 22
everything was clam
everything was okay

tangled between the sheets
our bodies wrapped around each other
we smell like shampoo and feel like cotton pyjamas

when i turned 22 there was nothing but love surrounding me
a feeling of weightlessness
a feeling of joy

when i turned 22
we were sitting outside
with nothing but the city lights to clear our sights
and the stories kept coming
your childhood and ex lovers
your trips and adventures
while the music plays on in the background

when i turned 22 i had love on my side
and a hand holding mine