At first,
I thought it was the frail slouch of his shoulders and
The bewildered words tumbling out his mouth and
The rickety beat of his fragile heart,
But then I looked into his lost eyes
And saw emptiness.

If I could pour every happy memory I own into his head,
Just to see those bright blue eyes light up again,
I would.

If I could lose my most treasured dreams,
So that he could remember his beloved wife again,
I would.

If I could break every healthy bone in my body
To make his trembling heart beat strongly again,
I would.

If I could take away the struggle of each day
And the suffering of the aching pain
For each of my family members,
I would.

I would give my life ten times over
And the future I desire,
Just to see the man I remember
Back again.

They said you were old
And grown up,
I didn't understand who you were apparently
Because I was too young.
So I tried to prove my maturity
But I ended up further back from where I started.
Now I sit alone.
Sliding down a ***** back to where I started
In the darkness.
Don’t send me back there,
Don’t make me that way again.
Please.

Stuck in a car
Each seat full
Music blasting in my ears
My attempt at drowning
Their cheerful words
And irritating laughs
The world moves on by
While they talk aimlessly
Smothering me in smiles
I stare at the road
Wishing to touch it
Then then say his name.
I'm no longer suffocating
I feel naked. Vulnerable. Exposed.
They throw his name back and forth
Battering me
The music stops.
The car stops.
The world stops.
I jump out leaving them behind
With his name
Still swirling  round and round

The wings of an angel drift through the air. Coal smudged down their rigid white feathers. Poison smothered in their roots. And love... Broken through the core. One wing starts to plummet, carving scars into clear blue sky for all to see; any trace of pure ness crashes onto concrete as the first feather lands. Jet black, hard and cold. The spine torn into fragments of nothing. Yet the world echoes around it, everyone and everything bowing before darkness.
For it longer belongs to an angel but a demon.

The rain never stops these days.
It just drills into my skull
And chills my sun kissed skin,
Tapping On my shoulder begging me to remember,
But I can't. So I keep trudging along,

The further I mumble through the rain; the louder it gets,
The drumming. The flooding. The screaming.
I smack my hands against my ears,
As an attempt to block it.
But I can't. So I keep trudging along,

Rivers leak from my eyes,
Falling down my cheeks and shattering on the Tarmac,
I taste blood. My hearts bleeding again,
I try to heal it.
But I can't. So I keep trudging along,

Fragments of my heart explode,
Ripping me apart and turning the rain water red,
I used to like water. Not now.
Now it reminds me of him...
But I can't remember him. So I keep trudging along

All I asked was for you to hold the storm,
Grip it in your arms and calm it down,
To collect the rain water in your palm,
Protecting me from any harm,

Then pat it with your palm
And soothe the rumbling,
Capture the power of the lightening
And grasp it in your fingertips,

Pluck the snow and the hail
From the hard ground,
Roll it up and just throw it away
To stop it from return

And then smooth the rough edges,
Draw back the strong waves
And the destructive gales,
Keep me safe from the weather.

Allow the flowers to grow,
Make the trees bloom,
Watch the colours burst,
While all the rain is kept at bay,

All I asked was for you to hold the storm,
Shelter me from the cold harsh winds
And the deathly waves,
Keep all our pain away,
But you couldn't. So now
The flowers will never grow.

Silence floods me. Drumming on my shoulders and tapping my head,
The pitter patter on the pavement counting the seconds away,
Icicles dripping and hitting the puddles,
Murky water full of lost memories and being renewed over and over...

The thunder rattles my nerves,
Pushing my feet further forward,
But the pitter patter on the pavement is counting the seconds away,
The streams come rolling down the road,
Littered water brimming with my mistakes...

The silence halts. You push the storm clouds away when you charge through the door,
The pitter patter counted three months since I last saw you,
Clear water rushes to your eyes,
You scoop me up in your arms and that's when I know:
My big bro's home.

Often I look to the water
And I do not see my reflection anymore,
The surface ripples in the breeze
Allowing me to know something’s underneath,

Even when distorted
I see him daring me to take the forfeit,
I continue to search
For what it submerged,

But all I see is him. Blue eyes
Staring at me, tempting me to break,
The pain is bundled inside of me
Like the dark secrets of this lake,

The moments I shared with him
Start to seep out the cracks,
Trickling out of my eye
Like a rusty leaking tap,

A leaf stirs the water
And I cannot see his eyes anymore,
My frustration rattles like a breeze
Until my true despair scuttles back underneath.

Often I walk away, leaving him alone,
I watch the pain-tightened screams
And the echoing punches
And the tear.

You never let two escape; just one.
The water glimmers under your eye,
Reflecting my handy work,
Only this time I don't regret it.

That one droplet holds my world,
It slips down your cheek,
Memories of us begin to fail,
Then it reaches the brim of your lips,
Curving around, leaving a trail,
My happiest memories slide from grasp,
And then it falls.

The water thuds to the the floor,
My world hints a shatter.
But I tried
I tried to care
I tried to need
I tried to try
But I didn't work.

No matter how hard I try,
The tear will never lie.

I close my eyes:
Blood trickles down my childhood memories,
Torn flesh rips my innocence apart,
Thick grey skin smothers my future,
And the eyes…black beady eyes glaring at me,

Daring me, whispering to me
Come in the water. Get your revenge.
I won’t hurt you. You hurt me,
I force the words away,
Pushing them, forcing them out,

You know you want to,
The blood drowns my heart,
I can’t breathe! My lungs spurt red,
Metallic death pools in my mouth,
I want to be sick, I can’t be.

My body jolts. Head snaps to the right,
I hear the crunch, the breaking snap of my bones,
The waves break. But the teeth don’t,
They squeeze my wrist, stealing my hand,
Blood captures my vision,
The water explodes in red,
Murkiness is around me…
And grey skin…black eyes…one fin.

My eyes burst open. Just like my artery did,
There’s no grey skin or black eyes,
Only blood seeping down my right hand,
My only hand. The other?
The ocean stole it. The shark stole it.

I can’t bear to look at the stump that remains,
So I close my eyes and the whole memory repeats
Once again.

Currents move the water.
Squirming, snaking and slithering
Through the depths till they reach the surface,
And then the gushes of air come,
Plucking the currents from peace
To force them forwards,

Another current swipes,
And another crashes,
Another burns with power,
And another dives through the centre,
The wind moulds the currents,
Sculpting the water to shape,
Until finally a ripple forms,

The gales flood over the crinkles,
They drag and try pierce the perfect folds,
Making the swan into an ugly duckling,
The duckling rises to its feet,
Excessive flesh flying away
Into the moist air,

The wings flap,
It stretches its legs and neck,
More impurities flicker off,
Brown feathers fade,
The beak sharpens,

Currents, gusts and ripples
All bundle into one,
The swan extends its wings fully,
And the water crashes.
Remains of the stunning creature tumble behind,
White foam and twizzling tides are left,

They reach the shore,
Swamping the sand in energy,
Clawing the helpless pebbles off the beach,
And retreating back to the ocean
Where more swans are formed
Endlessly

They ask me what I see,
What I see when I'm dreaming,
What I see when I'm listening,
What I see when I'm writing,
But I don't see; I understand,

I understand how minds work,
I understand how hearts work,
I understand how my world works,
But I don't understand them.

Why can't people accept it?
Why do they need to know why?
Why do they want to know?
But they don't want to know why; they want to know what.

If I see their futures,
If I see the dead,
If I see words before me,
But I don't see; I understand.

So when they ask, what do I see in you?
I don't reply. I smile,
Because when I dream,
And I listen,
And I write,
You know what I see?
What I've always seen:
You.