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you
since i can't hug you
i'll hug the toilet seat.
i'll love my demons
and pretend they're you.
ironic,
you both treat me
exactly
the
same.
i'm carefully placing my brain
inside a blender
and setting it to
the fastest speed.
i'll feed it to you through
a feeding tube
so you can taste
what you need;
peace of mind.
we'd park his death trap and
my hand would
grasp the door handle.
just one pull with a few fingers
would release the door's lock
and the hinge would come alive
with a faint squeak.
instead,
he'd always linger and stall
and find ridiculous excuses
to stop us from getting out of the car
just yet.
he'd ask countless
and, frankly,
useless questions about next to nothing
and my impatience would build.
within minutes I'd tell him to shut up
and just get out
'cause he's being annoying and taking too long.

that's when he'd pause.

big brown eyes consume the blue of mine
and I can't breathe never mind speak.
awkwardly but gently,
sweetly but honestly,
he'd ask if he could kiss me.

those are the moments i remember.
those are the moments i won't forget.
those are the moments that made me feel
alive.
those are the moments that kept me alive
when I didn't want to do this life **** anymore.

i love you and i will always love you.
no day goes by where i don't think of the
chocolate brown of your eyes and
the long, thick lashes that decorated them;
no day goes by where i don't think of the
two dark freckles on your jawline
that could only be seen when
you clean-cut, freshly shaved;
no day goes by where i don't think of
your chain and
how it fell around your smooth olive skin
and how my fingers would curve
and twist and
****** the steel
when I would jump from
the passenger seat to the driver's,
on top of you;
no day goes by where I don't wish
I could relive those days
over and over
and ******* over
again.

i'm no longer sad you broke my heart,
i am forever in love with
the memories of you having
held my heart
with strong hands
for even just
a moment.
maybe in another life,
we'll meet again.
even for just one more
**** moment;
one
more
moment
to
last
a
lifetime.
they were nothing more than momentary.
they were like the leaves that rustle by
as you walk the rocky edges of a side street's sidewalk.
they were like the car that cut you off in the middle of the city.
they were the goosebumps you got when
a random cool breeze touched the edges
of your bare arms that weren't covered
by your light blanket on a warm June night.
but, oh, we're they genuine.
their love was intense and internally satisfying for
all bystanders who were privileged with
witnessing of poetic couple.
their love ended as quickly as it began
and never again would the two be.
they'd cross paths time and time again at local cafes
and from afar they'd lock eyes in the crowded subway tunnels
but after their last lip lock,
never again did their lips meet each other's,
never again did their bodies intertwine
under sheets that almost lit up in pretty flames
due to their unusual spark.
both would never again find a
cosmic, storm-like, life-altering love
like they once created together.
they both lived separate lives and
they both died separate deaths that,
regardless of their time apart,
still silently shared an unbreakable bond,
sealed with the unforgettable memories of
their meeting;
the meeting of two souls connecting
in such a way
even Fate grew envious of. t
hey both quietly lived
and then quietly died,
always
determined to still
meet once again behind
Heaven's gates.
there was so much
d a r k n e s s
it was wildly overwhelming.
it shifted and it pranced
and it hopped around and
was near and was far
but was always, always
there.
my thoughts aren't kind
but
my thoughts aren't evil.
they resemble something
like
a human being.
i want to rip my eyes out
i want to scrape off all of my freckles
one by one
then all of my skin
i want to grab and stretch it till it rips off
i want to take that part in your throat
where you feel like you're gonna cry
out with both of my hands.
i want to twist my head off and stomp
it into the ground.
i want to stab into my chest and
rummage through all of the useless body parts
until i get to my decaying heart so i can
take it out and cut it into one hundred tiny pieces
and feed it to a snake like the boy who broke it.
i want to hit the side of my head hard enough
until a hole forms and my brain falls out onto
a pan so i can fry it.
i want to rip myself apart from
every angle
but be alive for it.
i want this mental pain
to be physical -
to be
seen.
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