It just doesn't work, trust me.
You said matter-of-factly in the tone of voice
that could have persuaded me to do anything,
except believe this.

No, it does. It just requires both people to put some effort in.
I remember myself contemplating
and convincing you;
trying to make you believe it was possible, because it had to be.

Exes can't be friends after everything. It just doesn't work.
You told me of all the others
pretty and playful who ran away with your heart
but never gave it back.

But for the longest time, I tried to prove you wrong
tried to make us invinsible in some sort of way
tried to make you see in a new sort of light
tried to show you it wasn't that hard
tried to hold on to what we had
tried to keep our friendship
tried to be the exception
tried to keep us intact
tried to find a way
tried to be more
tried to stay
tried to
tried

But I just came out breathless and heartless
because I hate to admit it, but
god, you were right.*

gd

Remember when you bought me three pears
because you knew I loved them? One wasn't
ripe at all—took the jaw of lion to crack that
open. Another had gotten smushed under the
weight of my books, leaving pear juice and
residue at the bottom of my backpack, and the
last just made the cut but fell to the floor after
my second bite. We laughed it off, smiling like
lovers & I told you that you ****** at choosing
fruit. But yesterday I stumbled around the city,
intoxicated and nostalgic under all those lights,
trying to grasp any form of support, hoping it
would be your hand on the other end. Passing
the same spot from our first date and that time
we skipped school just to feel invinsible and so
in love, I realized that those three pears were just
some twisted reminder that we ****** at timing,
too.

gd

i.
The pavement glistened at 10:43pm like a shiny new car. And contrary to popular belief, the asphalt was a painter, stroking a green carpet that stretched across the whole street like a pathway to promises. I couldn't help but stare at it; become mesmerized by its colours that danced along with the traffic lights. They fell in sync as if they were falling in love, like two lovers because when one changed, the other followed: from green to yellow to red, the darkness of the night couldn't withstand the strength of the blinding light. The pavement sang along changing itself to mimic the colours above—a love so strong it kept its promises no matter the change, no matter the weather.

ii.
Then I thought about how that must feel—to feel invinsible with someone... but I realized I had known. So long ago, though, I had almost forgotten. But when the memory hits, it hits hard; all the colours of the wind touching your cheeks in hues and shades of greens and yellows and reds and blues. Blue, like the ocean: constantly in flux yet unable to let go of the particles that were knit between them.

iii.
I felt numb watching the wet asphalt, and found myself hoping to feel like before somehow, or in any way close to it. But if I was being honest I would just admit that I'm scared. I'm scared I will never feel that way ever again, not even brave enough to let the wind colour my cheeks. And I've really gotten over everything that's happened between us, really, but what I'm trying to say is I'm lonely and the streets look filled with life when they're actually just empty. And I do not want to become that metaphor—a metaphor for broken promises or a statistic towards bad judgement.

iv.
I want to love. But I'm scared that I've forgotten how because in the process of losing you, I threw away a lot of things including some of my dignity. I just want to know how it feels to have someone's fingers intertwined with yours so tightly that no words would be needed to know they'd never let go. I want to know how it feels to look at someone and hope they'll be the first and last thing you see from then on. I want to remember how it feels to have your heart drop down to your stomach continuously until you can't even breathe.

gd

Maybe one day I will wake up
having to take an extra second to remember your voice.
One day, I might just stop
getting hung up on ten little numbers I will never have.

One day, my eyes won't dart around in circles
looking for yours and one day
my heart won't tense up at the mention of your name.
But most of all,

One day I will no longer feel as if I have lost more than I have loved.

But till then,
amidst the pink and blue paintings of the summer skies,
I have stayed grounded
forced by the memories of your touch to keep me in place.

With heightened emotions and faulty desires,
I have become less than brave.
Cowering to the past,
letting the green grass stain my toes with their fibres—

I have let the sun shine on my skin without notice of its plan
to embed itself and linger a little while longer than it should.
I have let the thought of you shade my thoughts for ages,
and I know one day they will all disappear, disintegrate with the clouds.

But I'm a little bit lonely
with nothing but faded company,
so it shouldn't be enough,
but it might as well be.

gd