There was always something weighing me down
much more prominently than gravity. It sat on my shoulders
as if it were a king finally gracing his throne, and pushed downwards
on my temples in some attempt of keeping me grounded.

But I began to believe in this burden -
looked towards it as guidance, when all along
I had been walking down a path of blotchy grass and stone
that shouldn't have been trudged along in the first place.

I looked for the answers underneath the soil
and tried to piece my puzzles with left over morning dew,
but the soil just fell through my fingers
and the dew had disappeared before brunch.

The weight was my blanket, my sturdy bridge, my fireplace
- it was protective, sempiternal and warm -
but it was also transparent, rigid, and uncomfortable
- safe, but entirely manifested hesitance -

All this time, I believed that the weight was right;
the burden was compressing me to be simpler and lighter.
But today, I chose the path leading to a faulty tightrope across the way
and I ended up flying instead of falling; free rather than frivolous.

gd

Don't look so sad, darling. I know it's tough right now
to think there is nothing worth living for. I know life
can be cruel when you turn your attention away for
even a moment. And I know how much you try and
how hard you work, but there are still some things
you need to realize.

              Maybe a year from now, a month from now, a week from now -
              even tomorrow, you'll find someone who will love the way you
              scrunch up your nose for no reason. Someone who will laugh at
              all your lame jokes; someone who will understand why your
              clothes need to match and your books need to be straight. They
              will notice the way you make patterns with your fingertips and
              how you breathe for good luck. Someone who realizes you only
              like your cucumbers with cream cheese or how you don't like
              peppers. At all. They will smirk about how you smile to yourself
              when no one looks, and how you gasp at TV characters like they
              were your best friends. Even how you like to hum when you're
              bored. And scream your heart out in crowded concerts just to feel
              like part of the noise, because they will know just how much you
              hate the silence. They will bring you sunshine on rainy days since
              that's when you will need it the most. They will realize why you
              never read a book if you've already watched the movie, and give
              you the time you need alone just with your words. Someone who
              will feel the cringing when you hear metal on chalkboards and be
              able to smell your favourite mid-August breeze. They will watch
              you dangerously dance with your fingers as much as your feet
              and sway to the rhythm even without any music around. Maybe
              they will know when you want sushi and how you like it raw,
              when you want pizza - with extra cheese and barbecue sauce on
              top - or how you like no onions on your double bacon cheese
              burger cravings at midnight on a Tuesday. Someone who will love
              you for your big mouth and your little mistakes; someone who
              would bring down a comet when you get tired of stars; someone
              who will be there before, during and after the morning hangover.
              And who will still love you the most when life gets cruel.

But first, darling,
learn to love yourself just as much.

gd

White walls, blank looks,
scattered papers and messy thoughts -
that is what my life consists of right now.
And birds are probably chirping outside
in the spring sun and people are gathering
together in song and in meal and in love.

But I find no interest.
I look forward at the white walls
that have turned beige and the blank looks
that have transformed into sleepy stares,
and I cannot pinpoint the one thing
that is getting me by.

I live to....
what?
To sleep all day to escape the noise and
stay up all night to waste time with silence.
The one thing I despised became
the only thing that kept its promise.

There are papers on the floor and
old clothes on my back and
I can't seem to blink without trying.
For the life of me,
I want to feel alive again;
I want to see the bird chirping and the sun set.

I want to taste the breeze hitting
my cheeks flushing them red,
and for life to kiss my lips as if
they were wishing me goodnight.
But instead, I see white walls
and blank looks.

Scattered thoughts are being binged
on scattered sheets of paper
in hopes of getting rid of the voices in my head.
They do not forget to make you remember.
And the whispers are getting louder:
"Close your eyes for a bit darling, even if you want them shut forever."

gd