I am merely an echo.

Molding other personalities into my own,
Collecting, holding, and drawing
Alien characteristics into my personality.

Then back to true form again

So here you are
We stand here on these rises.
The rises, have no support but float
They float of the oceans of emotions.
There Crystal clear water
Yet we're here, surrounded by darkness.

For your light cannot stand up to my heart.
For your light begets the vile of my heart.
For your light cannot mend the divide in my heart.

I position my knife
And open my chest
I reach between ribs
And pull out my heart.

My face is downcast,
The pain of my body
Is only an echo
Of the stories told
By the scars on my heart.

Do you see my heart?
Do you need to come closer?
Do you see its redness,
Its fervor for God?
Do you see its greenness,
Its loneliness of man?
Do you see its blackness,
The grudge against you?

Can you feel its darkness?
Its hatred towards you?
Yet I pull it out, in fear that,
If consumed by my darkness
I may not see my heart...
Anymore.

If beauty had a name,
Oh, what would it be?
It’d be more dazzling,
Than the entire sea.

If beauty had a face
I know what I’d see.
Such looks would bring
To Heaven, jealousy.

The fires a hue away
From love, show beauty
And the mind’s eye,
Encircled by blue sea.

Such lips of redness,
That utter to me.
As lovely as the dawn,
On the eastern sea.

But we could not mirror
Each other you see.
For we both draft left,
As I write this for she.

But on the chosen isle
Out on this blue sea;
Beauty has but a name,
Amanda, that it should be.

If I do walk around
With my love for you,
Will you turn your head?
And stop ignoring me?
Like you did before,
Never giving a chance
To a guy who once liked you,
But now loves instead.
Please turn your head
Don't turn your back on me.
I hate to be ignored
There's only a year left,
Don't make me feel
As if I loved you,
For so long in vain.

If it's not my time,
Then when will it be?
I'm sick of waiting
While I watch what I see
I'm left alone
A lonely fish in the sea
I wish my white dove
Would just come back to me
No girlfriend to have
No use for a knee
I want my time now.
I don't want to be
Single anymore.
I feel lonely.
Cause nobody look
In direction at me.

If only I could be awake
To see myself sleep.
In this frozen frame of time
Counting the sheep

A heart is only so strong
To care for all
The mind one day sleeps
And next will fall.

If you fools only knew
How much I'm fooling you.
With a silent stubborn thought cloud
But sometimes silence, can seem so loud.

A persistent torture
For one moon now.
An insane mind
From no know-how.

A field of grass
This sea of green
An azure sky
Then sudden scream.

If you ever want to see,
My thoughts they by God ask me,
You'll never find the way I think
Until you pour up my thoughts and take a drink.

I had offered my heart to you one day,
But by then you had given it away.
The pains of time realize with dismay,
Again it was cast out to be a stray.

The wells of my eyes and soul are finally dry
So nature cries for me as rain falls from the sky
I find devotion and loyalty falling in supply
And there lies no shelter to run to nearby.

The magic of emotion dwindling in disbelief
As I step down these final stages of grief.
Ten moons I have been blind victim to a thief
And I find myself leaving your coral reef.

Now I lack an essential essence to my soul.
No one to drive for or to share a goal
I become more pathetic sinking into this hole
And experiencing a lack of self control.

The harmony of my heart is again off key
And unless I am called upon I shall idle at sea
For six moons more as mind and heart agree.
Tis for safety at heart by the mind's decree.

Written: July 19, 2006 @ 10:27 AM CDT

I hear a cry from deep inside the ashes
Behind the rubble, within the dust
Under bars of cold hard steel
Rotted away from rotten rust.

A scream of confusion out loud so loud
Dying to know what possessed this soul.
Of a thousand evils, they're passing through
And spinning me a depression hole.

A voice honest, loyal, loving, just,
Unlike the raiding evilness inside me.
My real side, which seldom comes
And rescues what tormenting day would be.

It takes control of my life
And is confused as for what to do.
Not knowing if that year-old virus
Is proving to myself very true

Considers the options,
To wait one last time,
Or to throw that out,
For an entire new chime.

It knows what to do,
With its own mind
But there's this heart
That makes the past bind.

I lied to myself
And everybody else
That I didn’t love you more than a friend.

It was just to hide
Feelings deep inside
So I could get on with life again.

But in the back of my mind,
From time upon time
You existed there every living day.

And no matter who else
When not by myself
There in my mind with another you lay.

I lie in the sand under the palm tree
Sand between the toes, washing in the sea
I count the stars, for the seventh time now.
With the moon out, I nearly forget how.

My meals come few, and far in between
Could the fish be sparser, so it would seem
There's so much time between my feasts to think
Ocean surrounds, yet not a drop to drink.

I ponder at the moon and recognize
How its hue reveals the deceit and lies
You, my misty moon, I remember you
When I saw you last, in agony too.

Those I held dearest left me here to rot
To wander about, within pain and thought
To fend for myself and survive alone
And march ahead in bracing the unknown.

I lie in wait tearing my own nails
Wondering what first will come, death or sails?
Until then I'll forsake those who left me
And draw closer to the sun whilst I be.

I love you even more than I understand
Thinking of you every moment that I can.
I wonder how I ever got this way
But it’s too late now
To even wonder how
Why I love you each and every day.

To me you are my glorified angel,
Regardless of what you say or do.
Yet, there is a barrier surrounding me.
Holding in my love
For my angel above
But when this dam breaks you will soon see.

The mind say not to dwell on the past
And to move on, wrong the heart says
It controls my body, and falls in love with you.
You’re my happiness
I will never think less.
And the sadness will go when you love me too.

I'm ashamed of this game
Every time it plays out the same.
No pity, no sympathy
For my cries.

Yet I always learn for that
I do love most.

I'm dying from the inside out
None of this makes any sense
Left alone, as I scheme
Then I break out for the fence.

Sprinting through the narrow halls
Knocking many people down
Sorry, but I only did
Look back with an unfeigned frown.

Blazing through the corridors
I'm tired of the friendly light.
Let me hide in my agony
And think within the dead of night.

I blast the door off its hinge,
And ride into the azure sky.
Yet fall back down to the green earth
Heading for the fence raised high.

I gallop through the springtime fields
Past all the people staring,
Some point and laugh, some surprised
Mocking, chanting, yelling, glaring.

I scanned the coming high wall
That I wished to overperch.
Then behind me I heard them roar
I was the object of their search.

My eyes were straight, my mind was set
As I advanced toward the edge
So what about insanity?
So what if I jump from off the ledge?

As I began to scale the wall
They chase and grapple at me.
Let me settle my affairs alone.
For I leap, and thus I'm free.

I look back at them through the fence
A face which asked, "What's this about?"
"I'm not coming back to you couples,
Until I can look from the inside out!"

Five years hast vast seas chartered.
From beginning and on.
This sea long voyage,
Commencing at every dawn.

The rocky bay claimed its lives
In the first forty moons.
Navigation without a map, into
Thy yonder blue
But lessons will be attested to
So there it would be found.
By how much it grew.

On thine forty-first moon
A turtle embarked upon
This voyage forever long.
Yet by the forty-eighth
It was sought out for gone.

Then on the fifty-sixth
That trodden on vessel
Found a love rift
A night in heaven deemed untrue.
Leaving a precious memorial gift.

Thus leaving my chosen isle
From the altogether sea
A search was sought out
To follow flight of a dove
Clearer than a breaking wave may be
Then floating in innocence
The pearl dove dost found
No longer pure yet in a pool
Of blood in which shot down
Tears nought wiping unshiftable wreckage
A broken body engine finds its way,
Again.

Another isle I hath come upon,
But the terra dost not captivate me.
Yet the reef around it encircling,
I think of what it could be
It strikes my thoughtful mind
To realize...
Such a color I hath ne'er seen,
Except in her eyes.

Yet within this glorious reef
There is risk of certain grief
That is traveling past the belligerent shore
Just to obtain the deeply wished core.
Calling memory from back awhile
Dating then unto thy chosen isle
Where the reef lay hidden inside
And her true triumph let unhide.

In fear of blowing the engine once more
The forever vessel sulks by this shore
Then adversely sails onto the blue sea
Where there it may always be.

But undoubtedly, the memory shall not fade
When the nervous Cartographer's mark is made.

Day upon day I stroll through my garden
And always do I halt to gaze upon one flower.
To dwell, absorb, adore.
Much of the day's sun spent in focus upon it.
Leaving a watermark upon my mind for the night.

Day upon day I stroll through my garden
And pause to admire my dearest flower
****** expression inverts.
I depart, to continue on without dwelling
To dodge mourning upon the first winter frost.

The wildlife of the forests
Galloping, crawling, scattering,
The harmony of the ecosystem
The essence of beauty upon Earth

The sea and all that inhabit it
From the irredescant coral reef
To the abyss of the ocean floor
All life enveloped in a circle

The human race and their cities
Eracting to the skies, higher, higher,
To build and reflect this world.
And acquire dominance and understanding.

A man working for tomorrow's promotion
Companies building onto the future
An expecant mother planning for her newborn
A single tree beginning to grow...

The signs of tomorrow beget themselves
Alas, they are the subjects of fate
For a single blue jay hears...
A thundering whistle.

Silence.

Oh! The destruction that ensues!
The earth trembles and lava scorches
Every organism falls to the ground
For here lies the next part of the cycle.

Armageddon.

In the shadow of my light
I realize something’s not right
Not a young kid anymore,
I’m in the real world’s fight.

I once knew a dove,
Gliding into abysmal heavens
Upon a blissful dream,
Lived once in time.

When I jolted its eyes open,
The wings shuddered;
No longer did the dove bounce
Everything its wings buoyed
Through the abysmal air.

I ramble along in these halls
Discovering a lack of smile
In my mind and heart.

I glide through the doors
With from you more happiness
And warmth outside.

Is the mirror lying
Or do my eyes deceive me?
How I thought I knew a shining star
The image broadcast through others
Just as every dark cloud has a silver lining
Every treasure trove hides a danger

When did that star ever shine,
Instead of gleaming from the polish of others
Mayahp in truth this shining star
Is easily drown out by the lights around
So now does it shine from polish,
Or do does it shine in truth and glory?

When shall I stop hating the moon?
Surely, outside my door, in the black of night,
When you are coming to and from fullness,
I watch you light my night and smile upon me.

Yet I only grimace and wish for you to leave.

For was it not you, oh moon, who watched the onset of my agony?
For was it not you, oh moon, who watched me fall to my knees crying?
For it is you, oh moon, who reminds me of what I lost.
What I used to have.

Let God dig through the depths of my flesh and mind,
And journey into the depths of my heart,
And place the scale, to replace...

Pain with Joy
Disdain with Delight
Past with Future Hopes

When, oh moon, will your day come,
When in the night you light my way,
And I shall not resent it?

Lives are changing,
But the world remains the same
It's mass confusion
Unless we play the game.

Win or lose
They're all just the same
Except for Order
Within the Engine Brain

There sifts sands in the hourglass
A mended old antique
On the darkness stands the strong
And in the light of the weak

Within the common parallax
There's a universal truth
Which exclusively discovered,
When we're fresh and in our youth.

We are the future...
Understand,
While you Can.

He dies - - - Yet his heart still beats on

Man of the minute, slipping away in his chair
Into the quiet of the night.
The hullabaloo of his mind.
He slips and slouches, sipping his drink and sighing
Slipping into desperation

He looks at the time - - - behind the hand of the clock
And all the enemies of peace
Standing against an age ago,
Become dread itself, turning into the monster
And horror unravels the soul

The pin drop roars, but what good is screaming
Without an ear to hear?

How can the out-pouring of one’s heart heal,
With tension in the air?

So he welcomes the second death.

Cataclysm masked in magma
And bulging land, aching the trees.
Nervousness and candor entwined
Caution dissipating quickly.
Eruption.
Love has abdicated the throne
Leniency lacking, giving no quarter
Engulfed in the Nietzsche monster
Death when lava flows on Pompeii.

I go moving, from place to place.
Only looking, with the same face.

I remember trying since that day.
Yet failing the same, in every way.

So forgetting that, and moving on,
Seeking elsewhere, from dusk til dawn.

I let myself down, a second time,
Such failure I hate, again to mime.

Great sorrow weighted me down til now.
This time, not to give up, is what I vow.

Manifesting reticence of the engine of life
Is the gateway to emancipation of adoration.

If I myself am glorified by a refined opposite,
Exclusively shall I reverberate that passion.

'Twas such an iridescent masquerade
Upon the gestures all,
Flower guises floating freely about
This mansion chamber's ball.
Medieval castle tapestry dwarfing them
With the lofty hall,
And there arrive and vacate portal
Fading unto the wall.
A gateway whereas such events unique
When arrivals call
And departed bid final farewell from
This mansion chamber's ball.

Values grouped and danced entwined
All over the chamber floor
Gaggling, babbling, in glorious glee
Ever since eve silence tore.
Yet, one lonely soul biding his life
Blended within the wall decor.
Scanning masks inefficiently in the chamber,
Electing in mind to who adore
Then a rapping of energy is heard around
Tapping at the mansion door.
Spiriting masqueraders slide inside here
Ever since eve silence tore.

Inevitable capture of the silent statue
No longer blending of absent joy.
Given assortment of masks to be as play,
And being the ball's brightest decoy.
Wisping to and fro he goes to furthermore
Echo his mask and employ
Silent cartographers of party unto the wild
Festival masqueraders enjoy.
So this Napoleon of dance and sing aware
He twas nevermore of coy
Stunned as struck to his guise hiding inside
And being the ball's brightest decoy.

The accursed mask pried off at last
Hence he carried his glee
And surmised so to unhide inside feelings
Selecting the costume every wisely.
Those who fight of ownerright cause,
Grasping back unrightfully.
To amass the mask unto the masquerader
So inside they cannot see
Nevertheless, grasping suppressed he philosophized,
"Why hide the face? Let them see.
Life here today is an entire masquerade.
Select the costume ever wisely."

Alas, there he stands
Far above ocean sands,
The eyes close and ears have opened
To the world of sound around him.

Far could the eye strech out
Across the ocean in the sun's route,
No land can be found upon the horizon
Except the rock below his bare feet.

Each and every cresant wave,
Break above what he sets to brave
And covers its depths in uncertainty
To force the truth to be unknown.

And high above these waves below
Off an end of the ocean plateau
He leans and lisens with eyes closed
To the crashing of the waves underneath.

The birds echo through the sky
And do echo the waves' war cry
For he stands unclothed and silent
Preparing for a dive of faith.

The springs of his ankles unload,
And in hair and ears the winds blowed
His linked hands and fingers led the way,
And his closed eyes trusted the future.

Faster, more does his speed quicken
The mist of the waves does thicken
And louder the wind whistles, the waves crash
Although no drops of fear pour from his soul.

Plumitting to the depths at last,
Into the waves comes a decisive crash,
And now the test has arrived at his hands,
To dive deep for devils and their secrets.

Written: July 3, 2006 @ 11:35 PM CDT

Mental Insanity
Creating imaginative hallucinations
Of true records
Within my brain.

Consisting all of the one I love
From recreation until lust
Yet one sends me
To hell and forward.

This of the main ingredient
With the one she loves
On top of a bed,
Underneath the fireworks.

He, whom I am not, her lover.

Mind your English,
Watch your French.

What here, are these words I see?
It all looks like Greek to me...
Day in, day out, I toil, I labor
Seeking and augmenting my repertoire of words.
More often, so often, I read, I find
My disgust in my own language's ineptness.

I say here, I love you.
But as also I say there,
I love you as well.
But society has brought love
Crashing down around their ears
For these two loves are naught the same!

Moving pictures in my head
Fueling sadness
My love drives me insane,
To heaven
Then hell
And back.

Why must I live this way?
Sorrowed over the defeat
For you.
Why can't I live as you?
With forever optimism
And blindness
From love.

My love for you was so strong
I had to lock it away
Because I was afraid of inflicting
Any interference with you,
Who had another life besides
The only one I did see.
I waited for a time to release
Until I felt a stab of pain
And I look back at my love,
To discover shock and awe
Something never expected, I never foresaw
And I still can't believe
You have to take or leave me now,
Because my love is perishing
Don't ask, why?  I don't know how.

Today is swaddled in yesteryear.
Left in the iron cradle alone.
Arise from repose, with stale mind
The morrow tarnished by dreams.
Pouring regret over my cereal
I take a spoonful so I stand in place.

There is no ideation, alas, also no striving.
The world's hue has faded from my eyes.
The blue iris around a sea of dreams,
Now is light ash around charcoal.
A type of purgatory, so I burn in my sins.

I think back to the lighthouse on the shore
Wistfully, wonderfully, beacon bright.
When the mind and heart made harmony
And angels proclaimed majesty on high.

The anchor was heralded by the mind,
Keeping the voyaging vessel docked at bay.
An anchor for my soul, yet naught of the heart.

Heart found not the Dutchman, but Jolly Roger
Slipping and setting sail, the mind melded not.

So now here.  Each following breath is waning.

If only...

No matter how black or blue
No matter how brown or green
Between creation and destruction
Our heart is an open door
With arms wide open
Always welcoming you,
To our hospitality.

Oh, how I ever do love you so!
Perhaps more I shall recognize...
Such a strong love for a young body,
As mine, a love of insanity
It's what I've been waiting for; true love.

Your love I yearn for,
A kiss from thine lips
And your warmest heart,
Beating to my own.

What am I supposed to think
To see
To do

As the crime scene grows,
I make connections, perhaps false
Perhaps true.

I take the evidence, analyze it
Scrutinize it,
Hope I find the one responsible

And so begins the interrogations,
Crucial questionings,
The agony of not knowing...

Before it happens again,
Another crime scene.
Hopefully I can prevent it.

Or is the next one,
Just around the block?

Shall I come upon the chance
To ever know your heart?
For it has been scores of moons
Since mine searched out yours...

In that time, groping through darkness
Within that lofty cavern, water dripping
Searching for my flint upon the damp floor
Amongst all the stalagmites,
Never reaching stalactites.

Fondly how I remember those times,
And its warm nostalgia
Just as now there resides a flutter
At the thought of your face.

So now, shall the distance remain?
Over the arc of the earth my heart wanders
Desperately, yet cautiously
Afraid and hopeful.

My heart cries out around the sound of time standing still
My eyes well up because of how tender You make my heart
My dreams are filled with the sweet aroma of her presence.
My hopes hold fast to my dreams with eyes wide open

Shall I stand still for many moons while waiting?
For my trust is in You, O Lord.
From repose to repose, my mind endures torment
For this is the path, the road less learned.

So hence it goes on.
Search yourself fully.
See your emotions
Soundly I say to:

        "Destroy that of evil
        The five great enemies
        Ambition and avarice,
        Pride, anger, and envy.
        It is more difficult
        To do that it seems.
        For you just cannot say:
        'I have none.  It is gone.'
        The beginning is hard,
        and requires patience."

Mind yourself wisely,
Makes yourself well.
Magnetize the good.
Mock not my advice,

        "Peace is rarely denied
        To all the great peaceful
        Search not from the outside,
        But with inside of you
        At this point of your quest,
        Let not war, corrupt you.
        It is the happy, natural,
        State of soul and spirit.
        More patience is needed.
        It's the key content."

Close to be finished
Calm your mind and soul.
Create a good will.
Contain my knowledge:

        "If one is abusive,
        Quit company of them.
        If another cheats you
        Terminate all deals
        Nothing surpasses this,
        Awesome, calm and cool way
        Of confronting the wrongs
        That we meet each day.
        Speak, move as if in prayer.
        In truth, this is a prayer."

Finally, it's done.

You wish to think deep
    Yet wishing what you thought is wrong.
I walk with a heavy heart
    From the source that which fuels desire
I think, can I trust any?
    With what the little trust I already have?
I wonder, can I love any?
    Only if they do unto me that trust.

But there are those I love
Yet fueling me the heavy heart.
And bringing me into this cursed life.
However, they're my birthright,
And are meant to love.

Again I think
Crazy yet it may be but still
Racking my memory of sounds and pictures,
Going over them, again and again.
        I lay there, before God
        I lay there, on my dreams
In a room where light has been shut out.
And I feel, as if I were blind
As one sense is blind, another becomes not.

I read one another's and learn more of them.
How they have a devotion, not an obsession.
To one, and only one.
I discover a mistake, I scold myself.
One reassures me, yet I do know better.
I fear disaster of that beautiful devotion.
For I try to not ruin another,
And take it all for myself.
Or do I?

Time runs on, and clues elude me.
Until a word, is said, and I think,
The truth all rushes to me.
At once I feel overwhelmed.
One word triggers the clues.
One proves their devotion to me.
Their devotion another.
One word, so generous.
One word, so harmful.

In pain, I cry, of my own fault.
Looking for devotion in all the wrong places.
And now should I control this?
To be controlled forever, the undying devotion?
Only to keep myself out of pain?

My third shot, if failed,
Shall be the zenith of pain.
I sense myself starving for it.
I ask the Lord, "Why is it?"
To be so happy and said
That is the price of peace.
So, I face the grim truth,
Instead of becoming desperate.

Never before within my life
        Have I ever been loved.
And never again of this life
        Shall I ever be loved.

Yet, I still hope.

Curled in a ball,
In the corner of the couch.
Waiting for fingers
To run through my hair again.

There commenced a prevalent day
A day that was my own
My head being full of insanity
For if only I had known
Ere I found peace hath escaped me.
Desire had complete *******
A desire which had for years starved
What quickly came an abomination.
For it had such awesome denial
And even asked for devotion
Before it or I could even think twice
I felt a change of emotion
Such a change that said failure
So hence it finally left
I came to thee, and checked around,
It committed a great theft
Before I looked into my soul,
And was blind at what was there
Now again in peace I find
Happiness, cause I care.

I hear stories, I wonder why,
I am so lucky, to live like I do.
Tragedy striking all but me
I'm truly sorry my friend.

But you know you can trust God
For he loves you.
I trust you.  You can trust me.
That's a promise.

Do you know you're bleeding,
Before you see your blood?
Does loneliness burden the heart
When about gaggles of babble?

Yet where is my tourniquet?
Oh sweet tourniquet...
For the taste of iron,
Is too much, often.

Even should I rip every nerve from my flesh,
Will I still feel this agonizing pain?
For I am left to lay here, alone without an option
Until this illness is taken from me.

Oh do I have empathy for prisoners in their cells
Their minds rot quicker than flesh
In the same manner I am bound here to brood
To soak within my own torment.

I remember the days with your fingers through my hair
Watching over me, care-taking
But now not a soul has ne'er an interest in me
For all they know, I could be dead.

Alas, yes the though has been planted, yet,
The soil around strangles it.
For if it were not for that rich soil that you,
Are not a part of, it would bloom.

Perhaps I'll draw a line to prove my insanity
Instead of going down the road.
And maybe, then, just maybe you will see then,
The iceberg's tip from the beast beneath.

A substance within is not felt
Is not touched
Nor smelt
Or heard.

But lives in our lives upon the day.
Stronger than radioactive assailant
Eroding everything unto its demise.
A conspiracy not seen.
Yet traveling at the speed of itself.
The speed of time.
A victor of all battles.
Is accelerating.

You have finally renewed your sight
Here is the highest of content.
Your soul has become extremely light
No more smaller than the prevalent dent.
        Has difference come unto you.

A pinch of hole has entered in space
That could not be cut with a mere knife
But with spirit and peace, there is a case
That you can find what's really to life
The meaning comes unto you.

Deep and conscious thought is ease to ye
Not just deep thoughts for shallow minds.
Soon, maybe soon, you shall see
God will be with you to find you finds.
        Peace, has come unto you.