Feels like I’m fading
I’m counting the days
Till demon no more
I’ll be up in the clouds
But the same one who tempted
Is the same one who saves
Who knows where evil has its home

Feels like I’m fading
I’m counting the beads
Till demon no more
I’ll be up in the trees
But the same one who saved
Is the same one who tempts us
Tell me where evil has its home

Feels like I’m fading
I’m counting the ways
A demon can turn
Into something good
A dash of some energy
And a twist of fate
Who knows the identity of themselves?

I've got to be real with you
because I've never
been one to be fake
Telling the truth is messy
but it's a risk I'm willing
to take.
I've done my fair share of
forceful forgetting, taking
smoke and pills straight
to my face.
If you see this mom, I hope
I'll still be your son
and not a disgrace
not just another mistake
Like the marriage you lost
to alcohol, a pack of lies
costing four dollars and
sixty-nine cents, and a foot
too slow on the brakes

I can't tell you I've always
been good, acting like
I knew I should, no
I've lied a million times
I've cut a million lines
the carcinogens burning my eyes
till I go blind
I used to want help but
now I scream to the world
"I'm fine!" and ya know what
I just might be lying
it wouldn't be the first time.

But a brain in altered states
doesn't know it's in a cage
it feels like ink flying
ripping away from the page
or the main act on the
main stage.
So don't look on me with hate
or pity, or disgust
I'm doing the best I can
I'll move and change my name
if I must, but I swear one
day, I'll be okay
in that you can trust
and if you see me now, Ed
just know that even though
you are dead, all the things
I've done to erase my past
you're still sitting inside
my head, I still dream you
up while laying in my bed
I hope out of everyone
you understand everything
I've said. because I'd hate
to let
you
down

//

Burning
out brighter than the rest.

Trying
hard but it ain't my best.

Dying
may hurt but I'll finally get some sleep.

Wishing
on a group full of stars.

Clearing
my mind, my soul, my heart, my palms.

Piercing
skin.

Destroying
all in my life that is beautiful.
If I write a beautiful essay I must burn it.
If I continue to do so I must chop off my hand.
If I have a beautiful friendship I must end it.
If I have a good looking haircut I must ruin it.
If I'm getting good grades I must ditch.
If my parents start to trust me I must sneak out.
If I start to sober up I must drink mouthwash.
If I start to love myself I better **** up more gloriously than all before me.

I asked Satan for divorce
He said, “Alright, of course,
But you’re still swimming
In waters lukewarm and shallow.”
Here I thought I was hallowed
But I’m wrestling something nameless
I want it to be solid
His name is full of consonants
But I feel the vowels are valid
In His world it’s black or white
Night or day, light or dark
I ponder which one I am
As I count the ripples on tree bark
How long is my shelf life
How far can I travel safely
How much more can I take
Will I ever find my place
Butterflies into bombers
We must get back to the garden
Bombers into butterflies
We must get back to the garden