You will chew your
Tether like
A dog and run
Away and
Be free from
The good old days
To make your own
And miss the others

Passed out on
The couch.
Alcohol dripping from
Your mouth.
Didn't have time to
Swallow it.

Cancer isn’t catchy so
I can ride in cabs and
Work for a
While longer
Try not to
Resent the
Unaffected
Cancer isn’t catchy so
I can hold our
Daughter and
hug her when
She cries
And borrow her Teddy
When I need him
Cancer isn’t catchy so
You can stand
By my side
Eat with me
And let me
Wear your shirts
And boxer shorts
Cancer isn’t catchy so
You can kiss me
All the time
Lay next to me
And dry my eyes
When all this pain
Is just too much
Cancer caught me so
I’ll have to
Leave you soon
I want your face
And hers
To be the last things
I ever see

Tidal ebb

And flow like

My pen and

Paint in winter.

Writing poems

Painting pictures

For and about

You to

Never see

Or know

Tip toe in
Stilletoes I
Make my way
To De Bananenbar to
Buy where I
Was sold

~

I thought I should explain this poem a little bit. De Bananenbar is a nightclub in the red light district in Amsterdam, hence "to buy where I was sold" is talking about prostitution, which I think should be legal everywhere. If someone wants to sell their body to someone they should be able to. If you don't like it I don't care.

From lack of feeling, sick.
Quickening,
Sickening,
Death.
My high
won't dry
My tears
they lie
Beneath my lungs
The drugs
They paralyze
They tantalize,
My victims.
"This will be your better love."
I laugh
Bitterness veiled
from sight
My plight...
"Huh? What? Right."
Here's a freebie, just for you.
The cops patrol
Lie low.
I'll see you soon,
******

Flick of the wrist
Let your life
Sneak from your
Veins
Streaming into
Night
Dreams are dying
Everyone's lying
About the end
When eyelids flutter
And
Lungs collapse
With a gentle swoosh
All you have
Are starry skies
In the tranquility of red
In the bareness of white

I half ripped off,
Your ear, poor dear!
Oh, I forgot,
I’m angry!!

I looked for you
In rainy streets
That met my tears
A mixed concotion
That broke me.
I sat on the curb
Not minding the wet
Hoping it would
Cleanse me of you
I Looked at my hands
That once held yours with
Our very fingers together
Like the rest of us.
I knew not
He watched me
Now
Your friend and
I are
Glad you left.

Disected like a
Feral pig
Fought over like
Everything else
Living on a jagged crack
That might split further
And swallow you
Torn
Into bleeding pieces
That die and blow away
In a violent wind
Of contradictions
And hypocrisy
Ending so suddenly
To never be
Picked up
Started over.
You start over
Half of what
You used to be
To live
Like you are whole
Like you are
Happy to
Be tethered to
A broken home

So buried I
Wish to drown
Just get it over with
I think about
Ripping my face apart
With the bathroom scissors
Because I hate
Looking like you

Again you ask me
But the cellos
Trill loudly so
I can pretend
Not to hear
The same old question
That passes your lips
A dismal cliché
I am forced upon
So much that I
Am used to
The silly idea
You suggest
But now I listen
Only to the cellos
And let their voices
Rest on me
I only half feel
You grab my hand
To tell me you’ll
Ask me again
Tomorrow like
You did yesterday

I am honest
Untwisted
Unbiased even
In your favor
You hate me
As you hate
A mirror
For you will
Not accept
Yourself

Didn't expect it,
Did you?
That the man,
That's yours,
Was hunting me,
Was hurting me.
Didn't expect me to,
Scream at your ignorance,
Pound my fists,
On your disbelief,
Cry for what,
Could have been,
Cry for what,
Could have,
Not been.
Didn't expect it,
Did you?
That you'd have to,
Protect me,
From him.
That you'd have to,
Protect me,
From you.

(This poem is dedicated to all victims of abuse)

Arthritic icicles drip
Shaking with your
Pounding on
My door
Again I mistake
I must stand in
Your wake
I spoke against
It all
This fusion
Your obsession
And I imagine
Arthritc icicles
Dripping still
Deadly and
A ****** body
Icing my walk

"There’s no such thing,
As love!”
I scream
To myself.
I hope to
Eat my words
Someday.

You said my eyes,
Splintered light,
Killed it.
You never said you would,
Contribute to the blackness,
That nests inside my heart,
Like a deadly pneumonia,
It grows well in my fear.
Your condemnation,
Makes me smile like the dead.
As I believe I truly am,
Nothing.
At least,
Nothing,
Without you,
My savior that grows the blackness,
And who kills me with every stroke.

Don't throw me into
The whirlwind of
Your love
I am just as wild
And untamed
But only half
As destructive

You swam in my eyes

Under my skin

Dragged me under

Pulled me in

I'm lying at the bottom

Staring at the top

My last creation

Will be a cough

What a
Painful polaroid
I refect
On the happier times
And how
Life took
A dark turn
For us
Our white
Smiles gleam
From the paper
And I remember you
And wish that I
Could have remembered
You
Alive

A dove in a cage

Suspended in a cage

Soaked in the

Despairing chimes

Of the time-teller

The years have kept her

Disheveled and starved

Entrapment wears the heaviest

Unable to stir her wings

Hopelessness fatigues her

Boring holes in her beating heart

Powerless and weightless

She's naked in the hole

White feathers long gone.

I write your name
Over mine
Hoping that
Like the letters
Our lives will
Intertwine

Crystal cups contain lost calls,
Scores on walls from grisly brawls.
Antique, dusty china dolls.
Cows are mooing as they fall.
Mystic, glittering gypsy *****.
On these floors, her babies crawled.
Ceaseless clamor in the halls.
Oh the stories in these walls!

I'm on the
Corner waiting
For the black
Sedan to pick me
Up I've got this
Piece of paper telling
Me this stranger's name
I shiver because it's cold
There's a little girl
At the stop light who
Is in a car with her mom
She smiles at me
An inoccent kindness
As she draws on the foggy glass
With mitten fingers
She won't know why
I stand here for
About ten years or so
So I smile back while
Her mother growls
And drives away

I imagine today
Your eyebrows will raise
When I say
Hello

You are just

The leftover

Electricity on

My tub from

Suicide

Attempts past

And I cannot

Feel those

Waves

Now too

Tremorless

Death is the breath,
Before the plunge,
Into icy water,
That swiftly runs.
Death is a rose,
Iron stemmed and thorned,
It ****** a finger,
And does not mourn.
Why do we this burden bear?
This sickly thing,
That picks our brains,
And pulls our hair?
"We have no choice,"
Say us all,
"We all must walk the dreaded hall, 
Death's cackle all will hear,
Low and slow, in their ear.
All will feel when time is near,
The heart, icy chilled, with fear.
All will bate their precious breath,
When death, so snugly, starts to set,
And nevermore, to life, returneth."

When the waves break

They roar like me

They rush forward in

A violent push

Then slink in

Retreat to sneak

Upon you

Surround you and

Consume your feet as

You watch in horror

Realizing you

Are wet

My steps in your steps
I am your ghost
My breath in your ear
I'm  always this close

I perched on

Your shoulders

As you ran through

Our golden

Wheat field and I

Was told I was

An airplane and

Never a bird

When I alighted

I felt

Like I was still

Up high

Hovering

And nothing moved

Like the basement door ****

Like grandma’s chairs

Like grandpa’s chest

Like your body when

I nudged you

Like my eyes to

The coffin

And I was only

An airplane

Never a bird

Life’s hurtle is but short,
When you make me believe I leap,
This world seems like a child’s thing,
So easy to control.
My nightmares are so hazy when,
Your chemicals unbalance me.
I laugh at all my demons,
Like there is no danger.
All my worries fade,
Like the faces of my friends.
My mistakes can’t make a mark,
All will be erased.
Erased like the pain from my heart,
Erased like my past life.
Don’t make me face today alone,
Blur my vision with your heady fog.
I want to feel invincible.
I don’t want to feel my fall.

Your dreams were crushed,
You crushed mine too.
You heart was hurt,
And mine hurt too.
You were abused,
So was I,
You were left alone,
I only wish I was.
Your mind was severed, broken,
So you took mine.
Your body's ripped,
You made us match.
You were cheated,
So was I,
I was cheated out of life,
And for all it could have been,
I cry alone at night.
As you are broken, I am,
As you are bitter, I am,
As you are angry, I am,
As you are hardened, I am,
As you are alone, I am,
But as you are hated, I am not.

"She is the one

That's in the wrong."

The mirror told

You so after it

Kissed your ***

I'm so

Thirsty for

Escaping it

Drips down the

Bars to torture

Me but

If I said I

Hated this

Cage I'd be

Lying

The alcohol

Holds me hostage

It has a

Beautiful face

Not to be ignored

How long has it been?
Let me count the days...
Have you thought of me since then?
My mind, on you, does stray.
I would like to go,
Back to all the days,
You thought of me as yours.
All those times I do adore!
All those times before,
That stupid, filthy *****.

I died before
You killed me
Under Orion

I realized what

A lie it was

That dream that was

Almost as pretty

As your eyes

It forcibly turned my head

Lead my gaze

To a promise I knew

Would never be filled

To a new void

I knew would be dug.

I'd love to
Live on
An artic island
To watch the snowflakes
Move across the water
To cover you
In white
Feel breezes
Truly ice
See skies so
Friendly they
Smile so
Threatening they
Growl

On days when

Light is

Either on or

Before me you

Arrange yourself

On my pillow as

A whisper

Breathing a

Memory of us

Conversing in

Another town

And time.

No one likes
Sitting alone
In a parking lot
Waiting
No one likes
Being pushed around
Held against a wall
Bracing
No one likes
Hateful looks
Scoffing smiles
Breaking
No one likes
Ignorant jokes
Cruel remarks
Lingering
No one likes
A unkept mind
A bully

"There's a demon at my window!"
I, when six, did say.
"There's a monster by my bed!"
I'd scream and cry away.
"I need a lighs to scare,
The goblins from my hair!
I want my teddy bear,
Right up by my face,
So they won't want to come,
And dance around this place!
I'll plug my ears so I won't hear,
Them laughing, chanting, in my ear!"
My mother, quite contained,
Knew what would give me peace,
But none of what I asked she gave.
She handed me a tiny cross,
And told me to be brave.
"When tiny minds can have no rest,
From all the goblins that give stress,
I ask the Lord, my little one, to bless."
And when she left me I did find,
No more I heard their devilish whine.
They no more climbed my walls,
Or chased each other through the halls.
They must have gone and sang their song,
By some other child's bed.

I escape here

This place where

People tell

Lies

Though

Peek-a-boo

Fingers

Play word

Games to

Twist.

With no truth

To scald pride

I hold close

Their lies

Of love.

A remnant of
Coffee breath comes
From the
Anxious man
Behind me
Yelling at
The teller to
Hurry the **** up
He's paying good
Money for this
Crumpled train ticket that
Is taking him away
From his wife and kids
To be with me
In secret.

My pain drips down these walls,
An acid that you forced on me.
“Could you drown in it?” I wonder…
"Ok" is something I’ll never be.

Cracked lips,
Parched tongue,
Love long lost.
Face it,
No oasis,
In my desert heart.

My heart is the can,
That people stop to kick,
It also is the killer,
With a mind so sick.
My heart is the dog,
That people slap and beat,
It also is the flower,
Shriveled in the heat.
My heart is the thing,
No one wants around,
The nasty little cockroach,
Crushed upon the ground.
If you had seen me fling,
This thing, still beating,
At your feet,
You would have let it lie,
To ***** in the street.

You play my emotions
With nimble fingers,
The hands of an expert,
Unapologetic.
The music of my suffering,
Dazzling.
"Love?" you laugh,
I'm not supposed to.
You're not supposed to,
Use my emptiness,
As part of your show.
But,"It makes a pretty sound,
you know?"
Yes, I do.
You streched a skin,
Across my eyes,
And made a drum.
My hollows ring.
You make them ring.
A lovely sound,
A painful sound,
That's just an echo,
In my empty head.
"Like I care."
You said.
To you, my heart,
Is dead.

Hate is every color
Sqeezing from our skin
Not just one
But all
Equal but
Drowning each other

The pebbles whisper,
Foretelling my coming.
Bubbles ripple,
The water more,
Than my feet,
As they descend.
It grows used,
To my intrusion,
The Earth.
It’s calloused,
It bleeds no more,
From my presence,
I am part,
Of the earth
Composed of it.
Though the trees watch,
Untrusting,
They let me pass,
Into their heart.
Maybe they
Will love me now,
Tell me their secrets,
Share their knowledge,
Teach me to speak,
Make me,
One

My nightmares are

Like shifting

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