My body shook
Before the alarm
Rose from the bed
Hung from the ceiling
And I looked at me
My terrifying ghastly expression
The sinister look in those eyes
The locked in shape of my body like a picture in a locket

Hung
Almost crucified
Torn away from the mortal coil
The mortal strain the mortal stain
The immortal train take me away
Into the arms of the angels I go
Said my body but eyes were cold
I'm a piranha
A dead thing
A husk or a shell
A vessel for hell.

You left us in the sun
On a beach covered with snow
Frozen motionless waves
Bereft and the creasing stomachache glows

Stuck in a pool in the middle of us
Silent and stale in the heat
She isn't afraid of the lumps on her chest
And she isn't afraid to tell us this is it

Her hair started again on her head
But damaged under the fluorescent lights
If she's in the kitchen as the last time I saw her
The hell is in town and in the sights that I've seen

My mouth's burnt and sour and sore
And my skin is stretched into a smile
Sullen are my words and soft are my thoughts
So frail, so fraught, entirely on the ground.

I'm not going to say what I want because I do not know
Romance isn't the way to my heart
That's the thing that'll trap you in my grip and I'll never let go once it's there
So I won't say what I want because it's not good for you
Who you are anyway
Who are you everyday?

My heart is dead and gone
And strains to pull me for another
Too much blood pumping around these veins
It stings when I feel the signs of a flood.

Don't know if I'm becoming paranoid of it my tooth is coming loose,
But I can't seem to get a hold of my head and place a hand on my grief.
Don't know if I'm more sensitive now than I was before in time,
Or whether my heart has lost its gut which makes me send pics for free.
Don't know if I'm more open to life and to succumb to the pleasures of love,
But I have as sting in my stomach that pulls and hurts to strain.
Don't know if my doors are open and I welcome anyone inside,
Or whether I'm inviting my own demise into my frail mind.

We fight battles across the sea
And across time
Across land and above the sky
Crossing each other, resisting the signs.

One word killed me
You sent me on the wind
I sent myself back
I confess I was blind.

You on my shoulder,
Tell my parents that I love them
And if you go before me
Know that I love you too
But if mine comes to soon
It would be my own undoing
For you never loved me in words
Only in stolen feelings did we part.

A suicidal pact in my head
Only if we go at once
As one
Would we ever be together
I'm sorry for your loss
You should tell your parents and brother
I'm sorry
I did this to us.

I'm grateful for our eternal yearn
And sick with the child that never learns.

Like a mother
I'll eat myself into oblivion
Turn in on myself
Affect my bones and decay
Offered a smoke
I felt sick to someone so kind
White socks
I'm just body inside this shell
Just an alien trying to destroy its vessel
And the body
It does what it pleads
But I wish
Tells it to sleep later and later again
Against itself
Self-destruct
Since my bodied child as a conduit
He's still in there
He's a he
And he's scared.

Sorry I'll say no
Thinking it'll save me
So this one won't last long
I'll get rid of this one one day.

He cares the least about his traveller
Yet clings to it as if
"Will you save me eventually?
No
I don't think I will".
That's fine I understand
Say hello to them down there
Glasses, white socks home town.

And I died
For you
Ended myself
For you

This isn't a word for you
But to acknowledge myself bloom
My roots are in such dire need
Of plants I need you soon

There isn't a word for you
Only the pill that started the pills
You're the chemical in my brain
That sent me spiralling into the blue

And I came for you
Little death inside
But I didn't weep for you
I cry until I turn myself blind

Wishing for the simple things
Instincts to pull up the blinds
Cover my face inside
I want hell to help me decide

And I'll die for you
I'm with my parents and you ****** me
And I'll end for you
I'm a burden on Christ your life so free

It stripped us separately
Leaving only the muscle
The bone
Exposed

We become strangers again
Once in twenty years again
Since in child birth
We're nothing

But we love each other
But for why we do not know
Only mother and son,
Pain and regret

The sharpest death of her
Left the deepest scar in our flame
Only a matter of time
To burn out.

Did you question your mother
Did she really believe
That all she does is sing and make you weep
And she cannot do better?

Our minds in sync
For twenty years in bliss
But now she knows I'm a freak and spends obscene
On the drink to get thin

You're sad in battle
And dad's in a cage
And all she's does is take to the stage to pour the pain
Into the next bottle

Weep to mother
Mummy knows best
But mummy's scream is her last breath
Because under my roof we know better.

You're the sweat in my sheets
You're the reason I can't sleep
Toss and turn in a manic frenzy
You're why I can't be

I'll turn in a day
In a wild fantasy I try to keep at bay
Keeping me up till three am
You're why I let all my clothes stay frayed

I'll sleep well
Knowing there's nothing there
Nothing that'll make you appear
Behind my screen

I sing songs
Of love I know nothing of
I write love
Of which I know not of
Where can they go?
They ride on the sea to nowhere

I write songs
Of words that can't fathom
I scrawl lives
That I cannot have faith in
Where should they go?
They tread the path to other care

You wrote me
Alone in the bedroom
And I sang songs
Of love that you see straight through
But they are real
They ride the light that shines through you.

I can do it
Place myself there

Won't be present in it's feelings
But I can do it
To hear my sweet wedding bells.

Sometimes I walk
And often I live

But I kneel at your song bird
Clutch it in my hands
Hoping to never feel afraid

They are known to be like that
Their incessant screaming is hell
Yet they the loudest in their minds

Give me your full emotional force
To stop it squirming
And leave me to die, would you be so kind?

You placed me in here
And I love it

Won't be present in it's singing
Could I do it?
Could I really?

Present on my wedding day
You sang on my wedding day
You the song bird

You and I know we can't stay here
To hear our sweet wedding bells
But I'll kneel at your song bird
Do not regret

Do not stay

It's god you need
To help with your own battle
The war to open your eyes
The fight to set yourself free

I believe in you
There is strong devotion
Strong enough to love
To push it straight through

How do you sleep at night?
I'd break in two, a thousand times
Because I sleep in your light
How do you sleep at night?

Take what you can
I am right front of you
Take me where you go
And I'll weep at where you stand

You make me see how to love
And I never knew what that was,
Maybe I can't hold the right words
But I'll set them free, like doves

You make sense to me
I see what you feel
How you see colours
How I feel the sun on our pale skin

How do you sleep at night?
I have shrieked a million times
Because I shed little light
You fight wars in your mind
But that's all I see
As I have killed a hundred times
So how do you sleep at night?

I fell over hard this evening
Fell into the river and washed up upon the shore
Glaring at the sun through the water
It seems that I now know more than I did before

I wept in the middle of the field
And on the way home I exploded into a thousand tiny pieces
In my antique town we said goodbye,
Left you here, suspended in a time plastered with our faces.

You see me here,
We writhed around in sorrow
No we know the world isn't fair
Long before we face tomorrow

I bloomed in the field of despair
A brand new being, beaten but pointed towards the light
Or so I hope, how can I say this
When I don't know how to live without you?
Should we collide?

You see me here,
We writhed around in the field of despair
Where we bloomed,
Where our few blue birds sang of love and fear.

I want to throw myself off a cliff
When I hear my mother's voice
Like a soft death
A dog death
That she comforts and hides in
Whispering tender nice things

Her voice is fur
It is soft and wriggly like a dormouse
Capable of entering every nick and cranny
Making a space it's own
Pummelling my senses  
It opens myself up to prickly situations

Sad times
Despite this blanket of sound
It attempts to heal our wounds
Cradling in a wrap around scarf of energy
And lifting her head up into your lap
You, quietly sing her to sleep
The last thing she will feel,
That voice, as described is a warm cloud
Bursting with despair
Gushing over into our home
Still, it is a kind of drowning.

She was alive
And then she died
So sudden so quick so poised
So fast it was no longer you and her

Be still
And rest your head
The new morning failed you
And collapsed at our feet

No longer will you sit up
Belong to use forever more
We will keep you here forever
For as long as it takes to see you again
When it's our turn
When it's our turn to run for our lives

Snow fell this evening
The first one you weren't here to see,
To live through a child's eyes
An open armed life

It settled this morning
Well it froze over
It was you
You dazzled us in your fall
But disappeared when you hit the road

You'll come back
Every year in the cold
We'll take you back when you're old
And my mum will lay with you in gold.

And hope is the hardest when it's all you've got
Staggered back in fear at the heaving in her lungs
When hope is the only thing you have it loses
Under the weight of your love and grief in your eyes

Sending fire into the night sky where I hope she sees
It pains me to say that in years your touch will be gone
Breathing in heavy hope into my lungs like smoke
Like far it ate away at the scar and left me limp sack

We reached so far into the light
It burnt out hands and left unruly scars
Scorned across our faces
Blatantly pulling the plug on our faith.

When my mother told me you died
She was your best friend
It hurt like hell but softly faded
But the pain never ends

It strung us up in the summer
I can't feel pain right now
I see you in the cold rough sea
Being far from your pain as can be

She can't see you leave
She loves to know you're free

We love you as much as we can
So long my darling
Float in her heart not in heaven
I can tell you'll be here forever

She can't see you leave
She loves to know you're free
We love you for all time
My mom has known for all time
She'll love you for all her time.

I revisited you in my dreams
And you killed me again
Both of you held huge rifles
I held the flag of mercy,
Waved it frantically
Flashing white and red from your
Red lips
Hungry lips from a
Gaping hole down down
Down into my eternal
Abyss, you hold the chain that I hang from,
Swing me around
Tied at the thigh, crushing my crotch
Touching my crotch
Long spindly fingers as the chain.

These fingers cannot work a sewing machine,
And so we met in class
That was all that happened, you made
Eye contact
Smiled
Laughed
Killed, shot me in the head,
If only I returned the favour
Only that your ghost would be ever more present,
Hovering above my bed
With a gun against my head.

When I think I'm with it I rarely am
Terrified of the consequence of sound
I myself am afraid of you
And I am afraid of myself
But still it hurts more
When alone
I hear my own blood flow
A lonely sound
But loud and abrasive
Continuous upside down
A boiling ***
Of contempt and ruin
Singles me out for selection
When you don't see me crawl
Down beneath the ground
Just know that I beg for affection.

Touch me but don't
Hurt me
I've been hurt so many times
So my skin resents me
Like a house on fire
I'll topple when you burn my beams.

Your life force joined with the rain
Smashing into smithereens
Hitting the ground onto what's left
Of the remnants of the earth

The surface is broken
When your soul prepares to wonder
With Christ on your wrist
And love above and around your bed

We're smothered insane
And we're not ready for you to go
But still the rain comes and goes
From the sky in which you ascend

Don't dream of me
Care for me here and love me gone
Remember my journey into pain
With this I'll never be far again.

I didn't realise how large your hearts was
Until you opened up the sky
Killed us
And let it rip open the clouds
And there you are
Of the three stars, the middle is you

Such a vast pool to get lost in
For your head to bounce along
There you can paddle in the sea
Worship magical beings

It's this night you said goodbye
A day of rest after a day of rapture
The sky spread
And opened your glorious portal
How high do planes fly
Well now you know you were out of your mind

You're not back here just yet
Don't worry about us because you're quite done
A celestial force intertwined
With our empty void
Spiralling into chaos

Leave a flicker in the air.

Walking about playing with my hair
I never noticed the beauty of the cold English air

Our lives settle around after dark
Upon the damp dark floor with not a care

I love the bleak barren trees
Like arms reaching out to calm us into
Into the arms of winter I go.

Autumn's an empty nest
A spiral of spindly survival
With lights gently pushing through

Candle-lit homes house grief stricken hearts
We see her all the time in our favourite winter spots

This walk where we picked our summer fruits
All shrivelled up as the disaster of life picks at our roots
We'll live and love to let you back in

Just a moment to bring you the cold English sea
In so many branches of love we weep.

My heart is sore
From yearning to love
It sinks so deep
tears rain down from above

A boy is all
A simple embrace
Which will ignite the fire
My heart is placed in a daze
My heart is placed in a daze

The aroma of coffee
The soft brush of a coat
The call that comes from my window
The bracing wind upon which I float

My chest is weak
From heaving nothing
It barely moves
My heart is weak from hoping
My heart is weak from hoping

Come well along
The rolling fog shrouds me
Left without a hand in the darkened field
Now my heart knows there is little time to breath.

Naked in my bed
Bathed in sunlight
Sitting thinking what does my life mean

And what will I become
If I don't leave my pillow
And cancel my dentist appointment

What do I do
When I can't sing into my pillow
Rip a hole in the fabric
Sing deep and softly
Suicide's not an option when your mind's hollow

Skip a beat
Skip a groove in my sleep
So tired I have to leave

Of the noise
Or the lack of within the walls
It's too loud without it.

I don't feel the love
It flies at speeds I can't take
It pays to watch it slip away
And dance under the deepest lake

So dive under my window
So raw and red and ruined
So restless in its might
Blocking my utmost mind

I can't take the love
It pumps too fast for me
For I'd rather be one with the trees
And dance naked for I'll be free

But friends would make me happy so
That would be nice to see
For my mother and my father's sake
I'll live my life for me

I'd live my life so fast and pure
I'd live my life for me
I'd love my life so fast and sure
I'd love my life for me.

Oh your poor, cursed young man
Born a ghost, not once alive
Your life oh, it so makes me sad
Begin as an end, foreshadows the bad

And oh this man was never too old
He died before his life could
**** out every piece of his heart,
Made sure he was all that would.

The eternal begins with a storm
A roaring fire
A flame
But you cut me down to my knees and said
We’re all liars
We’re all sane
Punish the ones who imitate reflection
Who look to the sky
But only see planes
By far more expansive that is your mind
So much you’ll fry
Too much you’ll die.
So much disdain
And too much pain.

To hope one day to seize the pain
Bury it down far and watch it decay,
But one day it’ll return and crawl up my leg
Dig under my skin, name it’s home where it fed.

Long gone but never forgotten you see
I can delve in deep, reanimate the feeling,
And I’m sorry it’ll never be the same again
But it was never my fault
I should’ve stayed in bed, not
Hurt myself
Pound on my chest
And put it back inside.

One time I felt like the world was mine
Like I could whisper to corpses, make them come alive,
Inside my belly I was turning over
Neither good not bad, an ecstatic lover.

Don’t put it back inside.

“To sync with me
Was never to be”,
You said in your head loudly
But not I’m free
I don’t want to be
My move was much more cowardly.

Long gone but never forgotten you see
I can delve in deep, reanimate the feeling,
And I’m sorry it’ll never be the same again
But it was never my fault
I should’ve stayed in bed, not
Hurt myself
Pound on my chest
Don’t leave it out
Put it back inside.

One ear for the pillow
One ear for the storm
My feet clutch the rails
As one piece for the pawn

The leaves rustle
As the light slowly fades
Upon my chair a dream
So brutally laid

If not tonight
I shall never sleep
If not slain
Why would I weep?

One breath alive
One slice of my throat
My glass tips over
One drop becomes a moat.

Talk softly
Otherwise wake me
Tell me how you feel
Set me free

Speak softly
Don’t wake me
Keep me from my bed
My sheets make me scream

Close the window
Quickly shut your blinds
Compare this to mine
It’s ever so kind

Speak softly
Don’t wake me
Tell me how you feel
Set me free

And now I’ll let the light in
The neon glow
Punches through my glass
Please, let me stay
And finish how we dance below

Speak softly
Do not ever wake me
I wait for this moment
When you’ll set me free

Speak softly
Don’t wake me
Tell me how you feel
Set me free.

It’s so hot in here
My skin’s going to give up
I’m sick of the air
Food’ll **** me one day

In a disorder
I’ll find my friends
But I’m so tired
I might just make it the end

This isn’t paranoia
I’ve seen it with my eyes
The men will break us down
Eat and leave us covered in flies.

It’s like walking in the sky
The scale of which you can only see
From high above on that tiny ridge
Sacred of how free you may actually be.

What would happen if I threw myself off?
Slam against the rocks
Break my back?
Scramble down, rip my skin from the top.

There’s too much beauty
It’s wearing to uncover
Far too frail to actually traverse
Instead, pay your respects to it’s mother.

So, once soaring for the sun
Stay in the moment
Most of all, your skin
Shares the fortune of laying frozen.

I’m scared of being alone forever.
I’m terrified of my sought after future.
I’m petrified of my suffocating destiny.
I’ll try to let it slip by, but still
find me. Enthral me.
Isolate me and,
Eventually
**** me.

Why, when happy, I cannot write?
My hand seizes up
As it runs on spite.

A limit of wrath
Has pumped it’s last breath
My heart is full, now it’s following my path.

Now I don’t even think
The wretches I have seen
So long burning fury, it’ll cause me to sink.

I won’t stay this way
I know it’ll be short lived
But I once I build a field
I’ll wait and I’ll survive.

Pondered on a love letter
To my favourite season
And wondered how would it manifest,
In the cold, when I prey it’s freezing.

The precise nature of stringing the right words
Makes my skin sizzle
So I wait in the dark,
Look out the window, lovingly into the drizzle.

This is a love letter to orange light,
To the sharp, blade like breeze
A celebration pre ritual
For the day when the year leaves.

In the imminent weeks
The front facing windows shall turn brown
How elegant is their decay
The leaves experience, like us, their breakdown.

I love the death of everything
But I do not endeavour to appear sadistic.
It must be respected
And so I am joyful, but not altruistic.

These words write themselves
I could write them forever,
Scrawling in verse that would not change their mortality
Being as free as a bird, myself not ever.

Oh I love it so,
How do I begin to express my gratitude?
Maybe I should plunge myself into the soil
This’ll give me time to brood.

Give it time and it’ll be wonderful,
Lines that’ll be at one with nature
And I’ll return to my window,
Now able to view it as portraiture.

Crawling out of the ground,
The spirit was born where it’s misty and warm
She had the longest hair which, when on the ground, tangled
And begin to scream in a storm, thus was spun, Autumn.

Two black plains
Hover above my slumber
Breath life into me
Tether me to the world

They’ll try to fetch me out
I’m far too in my home
Bound to my pillow
Too far gone to be dragged out

Come for me in a car
At my window I’ll jump
Bombard through the chains
Sail through my sky of night

Be gone every creature
That has wronged me so intensely
But welcome the new life
They feel they can know me.

We
A shattering conversation,
Rippled the slate from the roof
And unrelenting force,
Appeared a mighty crack in every glass.
One that opened everywhere
And pointed towards the future,
An untethered hope
An untamed will to live,
To love, as much
As flames conquer buildings of the strongest foundation;
The wind won’t blow it down
Only the relief secures it’s demise,
And his eyes are a dam
In this moment its an avalanche,
Freezing your collapse
Frozen in space,
The foundation is lost in time.

Soft touch
Lamp glow
Vegetable blood
Running slowly for
In this moment, I have created all this.

Language is ruthless
So I’ll make it toothless
Do I sink or speak?
I’ll just drown myself meek, it’s sad
      I’ve created all of this.

I’m texting my friends
Wait, they’re not really friends
So I’ll just sit here be faithful, my father
said wait,
Yet this seems entirely wasteful

Now I’m getting furious
You’re taking this far too serious
Don’t jump from your window
You don’t know but the sky’s closed
The things that I have seen
Make me bleach myself clean
For our momentous multitude of sins,
You see,
In my moment,
           I have created all of this.

I’ll listen to that sad song
Put on the appropriate face
Feel it
Pretend that my heart intertwined with the
words
Totally let it into my head
Then it’ll be mine
To feel when I’m not feeling at all
Even if it’s numbing
Even if it has malicious intent
It’s better than nothing
It’s better to feel the lines be drawn in my
mouth
Than to attempt to make your eyes into a
joyful slither
Only adapt when the song ends or
Switched to the next
Is the entire playlist morose?
Most likely

How do you provoke
Emotion
Without emoting any?

Turns out, she was
My madness. Oh well.
Back at the start, when it ended at
Midnight.

Opened the door, with a glass of
Rose champagne, rested against
The frame and stretched out
My hand.

Yearned for heavier rain, the dry
Era scorched my life, and it ended
On the first rainfall
Accompanied by my own downpour.

Atop a podium, ****, bearing
Everything
And an empty crowd, somehow
They know nothing of me.

It rained
For the first time in three weeks,
During the hottest summer in living
Memory, the day I’m visiting
My recent past,
Almost perfect I’d say.

With all the open doors and windows
The smell of rain on the
Scorched ground swims through
The house
A pleasant, calming, euphoric smell
A natural relief.

And the day fell of this day,
This important day,
It’s perfect

I thought I’d never do something
Where I was anxious
And comfortable
But ready
I never thought this would happen


Never mind
Brushing my teeth in the bathroom
Crying
Drunk

The smell of rain
Gone,
Instead it’s behind my eyes
Now oceans awakened
Running dry
Drowning new rocks,
Lightly released from its surface

It’s a new age.

Fall asleep
In a glass coffin
Tears locked, streamed
Down either side of my skull

For the foreseeable future.

I’m in this village
And I wanna stay
I wanna go
There’s no room to watch things grow

Where the accounts are of fields
And the love in the pond
But don’t make me stay
Like I’m going to leave

Once our tide rolls in
On this side I’ll leave
But the other I’ll return one day
Bringing the scorched fruits tray need the rain

And I’ll just talk and I’ll just talk
Until my voice runs and ripped apart
There’s such beauty in the huge roads cascading through the woods
It’s like there’s nothing better.

There is a circle in the trees
Whilst I listen to music summoned. By
Nature
Accompanied by the wide open doors,
Letting the cool summer evening air
Embrace the malnourished insides of my
Home.
Soaring harmonies from Ms Welch
Provides the perfect mood for
Two moths to court each other
And seeing this it seems like the sky
Will never turn black. Stay the
Transcendent navy blue I
Grew up with
Ten years down the line I’ve never failed
In really loving this never ending
art.

Staring into that shining star
To make your world around you darker
Trying to focus on the ripples of light
emanating from the centre
As if you’re something to someone

Staring into that beautiful oblivion
That’s what it must be like to fall in love
And fall so hard you cannot bare to look
For it’ll be a million miles away from your
heavenly vision.

I have my mother’s temperament

In one moment I can
Be the sun
In another I can posses a grey soul and
Hang it out to dry
Embracing the endless breeze from the
Back bedroom window
Yet a few meters away, I wanted
To throw myself from mine
Leap down, maybe water the plant
To just lay down, it down
In the road

My example of me, my mother, and I.

From bedroom past
I could see the sky
A most sprawling adventure out in front of me
Beckoning me to come a little closer

From this bedroom
I can see the wind in the evergreen
And the sky gently invited my nervousness
Into the trusted land

This room is a fountain
Gathering up any ***** shedded from my trauma
And laying purity into the water
In hopes that I can have again.

God is destiny
Not as he is the end and future,
But what he does to people,
Blaming god for their lives and
Celebrating the end as their destiny.

Lightly open your fingers one by one
And the rose petals will start to drift away
Taken by the wind
Down the street
Paddling the pavement or ascending
Up into the sun bleached sky

With one touch they break free of their mother
And float far down into their grave
Taken by the wind
Disintegration in the street
Crumbling in the finger tips of a child
To again drift away
All destined for different journeys.

There is an ugly nakedness about me today.
I don’t know what it is or its whereabouts.
The nature; once taking over my body
Now hindered by my spray, my longing ness to find
Myself this month.
I ventured outside and pondered my art
Barely and bare chested, desired the wind to hit and curve and slither around my soft edges.
Taking a look I saw shadows of my ribs,
But a shadow of which I couldn’t before.
Most windows do not speak to me like this one
Half was right
Half was wrong.
I wanted my life to end there and then.
To be pretty in death is to be immortalised in every wilted rose.