I want to throw myself off a cliff
When I hear my mother's voice
Like a soft death
A dog death
That she comforts and hides in
Whispering tender nice things

Her voice is fur
It is soft and wriggly like a dormouse
Capable of entering every nick and cranny
Making a space it's own
Pummelling my senses  
It opens myself up to prickly situations

Sad times
Despite this blanket of sound
It attempts to heal our wounds
Cradling in a wrap around scarf of energy
And lifting her head up into your lap
You, quietly sing her to sleep
The last thing she will feel,
That voice, as described is a warm cloud
Bursting with despair
Gushing over into our home
Still, it is a kind of drowning.

She was alive
And then she died
So sudden so quick so poised
So fast it was no longer you and her

Be still
And rest your head
The new morning failed you
And collapsed at our feet

No longer will you sit up
Belong to use forever more
We will keep you here forever
For as long as it takes to see you again
When it's our turn
When it's our turn to run for our lives

Snow fell this evening
The first one you weren't here to see,
To live through a child's eyes
An open armed life

It settled this morning
Well it froze over
It was you
You dazzled us in your fall
But disappeared when you hit the road

You'll come back
Every year in the cold
We'll take you back when you're old
And my mum will lay with you in gold.

And hope is the hardest when it's all you've got
Staggered back in fear at the heaving in her lungs
When hope is the only thing you have it loses
Under the weight of your love and grief in your eyes

Sending fire into the night sky where I hope she sees
It pains me to say that in years your touch will be gone
Breathing in heavy hope into my lungs like smoke
Like far it ate away at the scar and left me limp sack

We reached so far into the light
It burnt out hands and left unruly scars
Scorned across our faces
Blatantly pulling the plug on our faith.

When my mother told me you died
She was your best friend
It hurt like hell but softly faded
But the pain never ends

It strung us up in the summer
I can't feel pain right now
I see you in the cold rough sea
Being far from your pain as can be

She can't see you leave
She loves to know you're free

We love you as much as we can
So long my darling
Float in her heart not in heaven
I can tell you'll be here forever

She can't see you leave
She loves to know you're free
We love you for all time
My mom has known for all time
She'll love you for all her time.

I revisited you in my dreams
And you killed me again
Both of you held huge rifles
I held the flag of mercy,
Waved it frantically
Flashing white and red from your
Red lips
Hungry lips from a
Gaping hole down down
Down into my eternal
Abyss, you hold the chain that I hang from,
Swing me around
Tied at the thigh, crushing my crotch
Touching my crotch
Long spindly fingers as the chain.

These fingers cannot work a sewing machine,
And so we met in class
That was all that happened, you made
Eye contact
Smiled
Laughed
Killed, shot me in the head,
If only I returned the favour
Only that your ghost would be ever more present,
Hovering above my bed
With a gun against my head.

When I think I'm with it I rarely am
Terrified of the consequence of sound
I myself am afraid of you
And I am afraid of myself
But still it hurts more
When alone
I hear my own blood flow
A lonely sound
But loud and abrasive
Continuous upside down
A boiling ***
Of contempt and ruin
Singles me out for selection
When you don't see me crawl
Down beneath the ground
Just know that I beg for affection.

Touch me but don't
Hurt me
I've been hurt so many times
So my skin resents me
Like a house on fire
I'll topple when you burn my beams.

Your life force joined with the rain
Smashing into smithereens
Hitting the ground onto what's left
Of the remnants of the earth

The surface is broken
When your soul prepares to wonder
With Christ on your wrist
And love above and around your bed

We're smothered insane
And we're not ready for you to go
But still the rain comes and goes
From the sky in which you ascend

Don't dream of me
Care for me here and love me gone
Remember my journey into pain
With this I'll never be far again.