I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

The trouble with never sleeping is that you start to develop weird habits and because of my diagnosed anxiety disorder i am constantly paranoid that i will develop ocd and perhaps it will take over my life like mtv true life tells me it will. insomnia is crippling and demeaning because no one understands that i only remember what day it is because i have a ritual every morning at 3:47 am that i cross out yesterdays date and now it officially begins today. the demeaning part begins when someone asks me why im so tired and i have to explain to them that i dont remember what it feels like to sleep for more than 3 hours or i just say its been a long day because who has the time to listen me talk about my sleeping habits or lack there of. in fact, i dont even have the time to listen to myself talk about it even though i’ve had almost 76 hours straight to hear myself talk. i didnt always have insomnia, i think it welcomed itself when you left because i always used to sleep with you, in both meanings of the phrase. i was afraid of the dark so you bought me glow in the dark stars and stuck them onto your ceiling and wrote little love messages on them so when i couldnt sleep at night, i could watch the stars you made for me.

Not laying in your bed anymore caused a **** load of thoughts to come racing back to my head. i thought about the crickets who always stopped chirping at 2:38 am, i thought about how i could hear her mother's coffee maker gurgle from the kitchen even though i was 200 feet away and you always liked to snore in my ear. i thought about the way you painted your room a different color because you thought it made you more grown up. i thought about zipping the back of your dress up before a party almost 10 months ago. i thought about you leaving me to go overseas one day. i thought about the seas. i thought about a boat fighting its way through the ocean and wondering why it wasn't moving anywhere because the captain forgot to pull up the anchor. i thought about not being able to breathe because you're gone. although you're probably home asleep in your bed. you're not over seas. you're not under the seas.

Sometimes you don't need water to drown.

the burning in my lungs,
the drilling in my heart,
the pain in my legs,
wobbling to and fro ,
bruises pinning my arms,
crackles snapping my spine,
my face scared with agony,
my nose dribbles with blood,
my eyes breathing with rage,
trying to focus but not grabbing grip,
my hair falling out and the remains tangled,knotted,
teeth gritted with dreaded terror,
skin blotched with dirt and exhaustion,
slowly being torn,
all life invisible from any type of view or sound,
the only way through feel and thought,
thoughts of  madness,
hell to think of,
there was no way of stopping myself,
no way of killing the strain in by body,
feeling ache and horror
tears flooding down my face,
beings staring angrily,
not knowing how to feel...........

as you swept the hair
away from my face,
i thought about how
beautiful your eyes
are.

how the brown of
them all shone behind
your half-rimmed
glasses and how they
seemed to smile
with your lips at me
too.

as you tucked the
blackness behind
my right ear,
i couldn't help but
stare at you only.

the way you chuckled
as i looked sheepishly
at you in confusion was
really enchanting to me.

"you're so weird," you said.
"looking so confused at me
fixing your hair."

"why wouldn't i be?" it was
snarky, but it wasn't supposed
to be. "it's not like a lot do
that to me."

you grinned, and your
yellowish and whitish
teeth looked brighter
than the sun itself.

"well, you got me,
and that's more than
enough to keep you
positive in life."

a warm, calloused hand
found its way to my head.
my hair was messed up,
but it was long and thick,
so it looked proper still.

"a smile looks better on you,
y'know. like how your hair
looks better beside your face."

too bad, all that hair
is gone now.
too bad, that smile
faded more now.
too bad, that girl you
knew grew farther
away now.

too bad, i cannot
see your eyes from
the same angle
anymore.

Tonight my anxiety is too bad to sleep
so I am repainting the walls of my heart,
so long over-due
and I have already decorated pink
over the scars you left,
and blue
on the fresh wounds
he cut me with tonight
and I've put both your names in the shredder,
because I just tidied up the living space
and I'm through
with all this ******* chaos.

I think that you are beautiful
and you deserve
everything on this earth
but I can't give you the world,
because you already are
all I can do is float on your oceans,
and sleep in the shade of your pines,
and lay with you watching the stars
and pray that I am enough

It seems like we are slipping. I don't know why, but I feel like I have to hold on tighter.
It is okay if you want to leave, if I am suffocating you,
If I offend you.
But if there is no reason, please tell me how to make it better, I am worried.
So much has happened.
I've lost my mother to insanity and too much worry.
And maybe I am being lost, too.
Tell me if I am. I want to be found.
I want to be saved.
I am sorry that I am scared. I just worry sometimes. I have been diagnosed with multiple things by few doctors, therapists. Suicidal depression, OCD, anxiety, paranoia (not severe).
If it bothers you, I can find a way to change back to who I was.
I don't know if I like my new self, I know I've changed a lot.
I am terrified.