Sometimes I look at you and wonder when
exactly, when
the beginning of your voice
started sounding like a scratched record

and at what point, exactly,
did your eyes change to being so dark
all of the time

I want to know at what point, then
had you learned to smile so factitiously
and **** in your gut
and pose at the right angle

I want to know, more than anything
when you started being so
miserable
all the time.

And the more I think about it,
about you,
existing,
the more terrified I feel.

i stretched my tonsils wide and swallowed the sun
and all that i got was this mouth full of blood
i swallowed again
and relished the crack
my knees hitting the mud
the earth was the first
not to fight back

so i collapsed upon her back, forgot institution
and didn't try to get back up
just lay quietly in disollution, swept up in the flash flood
looking for some kind of nameless crudely chiseled love
chasing a faintly tricky latently burdensome buzz
tainted by ***** nail beds
and haunted by swerving white trucks
socially taught to get up and never come down
emotionally taught to get down and forget what it's like being up
luck no longer has meaning
that is just the universe being
i want to give up and go with it
i want to revisit that rattling requisite
i am ready for this ego to lift

“Visita Interiora Terrae Rectificando
Invenies Occultum Lapidem,”
“Visit the interior of the earth and become pure
you will find the hidden stone.”
when the time is right
i'll turn from red to white
drenched in a vitriol bath
my bones will surface
bright as gold under the light of the night
sinners worst dream
alchemist's delight

swallow the demons and
stay awake
no matter what you do
don't miss a minute
forget what pain is
form callouses
you will not be ashamed
of your right to breath
and grow out of this