Throw you onto the wall
Clasps on your hands with a firm touch
Prevent escape with my body upon yours
and kiss you

Tonight
h
e
r
e

Were
i
s
h
e
s

Made

But
e
c
a
u
s
e

Of
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r

d­istance

We
e
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done

And then the light went out.
With darkness on top of me I crawled towards the door.
With darkness around me I strained as my arm reached for the ****.
With Darkness beside me I gritted my teeth and turned.
With darkness laughing at me I failed.
Darkness consumed me.

And then everything became clear with one exception
My eyes were still closed for the fear was great, the fear that I may lose everything.

But then he turned with his back towards me cutting the cord of our conversion.
What wanted to be said got shoved back in my throat and I choked as I tried to swallow every letter every syllable.
I too turned and opened the door leading to the stairs.
With every step his words echoed and I tried to understand what he meant.
At the top I gave up and took a deep breath.
I let my self turn and closed my eyes.
The stillness of the area made it that much harder to do what I did.
It was as if an audience drew breath, not wanting their breathing to interrupt the scene that was to transpire.
I too drew in my breath and waited. The stillness was no longer still as white noise entertained my ears.
Every where in my body there was fire as the CO2 wanted to escape.
I opened my mouth the CO2 rushed trying to distance its self from me. But with it "You are worth it" flew out echoing and bouncing off the walls.
But he never heard those words for the cord for conversion was severed once his was turned.
But if it were to happen again I would let him know with an embrace, a kiss that he is worth it.

A word was never spoke but it was felt within his heart
That he had to leave with his life restarted.
He took the train down the  rails of the unknown
And went with the directions that were shown.

He sat on the far left towards the back
and he watched the trees as the wind attacked
making the leaves fall to the ground
making them spin round and round.

One leaf hit the window obscuring his view
but he didn't mind for there was nothing to do.
He thought he heard a whisper and he looked every which way
but no one spoke a word for there was nothing to say.

He heard it again and thought he was mad
he tried to ignore but he's a curious lad.
"Who speaks?" he questioned "Who speaks just now"
but he was greeted with silence to him a foul.

He grew angry by the second with curses in his head
he heard the whisper but he denied it attention, ignored it instead.
The whisper grew in some degrees in decibels
and he shook his head again and again.

"Shut it, quiet! Leave me be!"
But the whisper kept continuing.
"Why?" was all he could muster before he stood on his seat
before he became a lunatic who shook his feet.

They escorted him off and onto the streets
Letting him be as he started to weep.
The man on the train  can never be seen
well that how it goes in my head I mean.

With everything that has happened are you still on your feet though they ache from the miles ran?
Are you still looking up with the fire in your eyes though the tears fall and strike the ground, marking your struggles?
Are you still inhaling the air though you want to rip your lungs out, suffocate on nothing, and just wither to nothing?
If you are then you are strong.
Stronger with every mile, tear, and breath.
You are strong.

Music frees the soul. It takes the soul on a journey where everything seems to be different yet the same. Up is down and yet down is still down. Music allows the feelings to seep through your cracks and attach themselves to the beat and melody. Music frees the soul. It frees my soul.

And it wasn't that I fell out of love.
The wings of the butterflies continue to make music
as the brush against my heart.
No, I never fell out of love.

And it wasn't that I lost interest.
My mind every now and then walks down to the box where
memories labeled "HIM" Lie and it explores the past.
No, I never lost interest.

This heart walks down the path of love it still has
and watches the leaves from the memory trees fall.
I hear his name in the wind and feel his arms as the wind nudges past me.
But I change path.
And walk down the unknown.
I can't have him.

So this new path is simialar but yet it differs.
I will take it step by step
Heart beat by heart beat.

The distance today traveled by my heart matched my calloused feet.
The roads where many while my tired heart never had time to sleep.
With every love and ever feeling
every touch
and
every sensation
My heart traveled that same as my feet.

And then death held his hand.
Wiping the tears that told the stories of his pain.
He couldn't handle the cold temperature he would feel not only on his shoulders but in his soul.
He tried to maintain peace but the war drums were setting the bombs off one by one.
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
When at home, at school he is surrounded by other human beings but he always feels alone, feels the emptiness in his body.
He's the tin man with no heart that rattles his frame to at least fell something even if  it's cold harsh metal.
Death listened.
Death took it's cloak and wiped the tears away, letting the cloak soak up all the problems.
"you want to walk beside me with your life folded neatly in your suit case. you want to walk out the door but it's not your time, have more faith"
With that death left taking his arms and absorbing all the darkness, letting the boy stand with a new light surrounding him.
"it's not your time"

Ripples in my heart, echo the love that once was.
Fading, slowly drifting from my heart like you walking away that night becoming the blur mixing with the the trees then nothing.
Fading, slowly growing in distance like you when you had to "work late" but you had already clocked out.
Ripples in my heart
they echo the love that once was
Fading
slowly
like you.

Slowly the pain will slip off of you like the clothes you wear.
Slowly the pain will take off into the sky like balloons.
Slowly you will not care anymore and that's when they will need you the most.

And they wonder why we have higher rates of suicide.
Maybe it's because we get kicked out and have to suffer the streets like a cold we can never get rid of.
Maybe it's because they ignore us while they spend hours preaching that we will go to hell.
Maybe it's because we are shoved into closets and forced to open then get shoved back in
Why would we have higher rates of suicide?
Because society as a whole doesn't like us.

And the feelings never left.
They were just tucked away in the neat folds of my heart.
Some days I did my best to cover them up with my rib cage
but other days the feelings would slip their way through the gaps
and show.
But I don't know if you saw something
you probably didn't.

But then there wasn't anything left to say.
All that could be said was said
while the words that were said before hand drifted away.

Is it wrong to imagine the covers as your body
and feel the heat increase?
Is it wrong to wrap my arms around
and with my lips begin to  tease?
Is it wrong to let my hand travel up "your shirt"
and feel the inner peace?
If it is then let me be wrong
before I fall asleep.

Yeah I'll Tell you something
But my tongue is too busy twisting and turning
I think you'll understand
Can you comprehend what i would say
when I say that something
my eyes would avert their attention to anything but your face
I want to hold you hand*

The Beatles song would only be in my head
never reality.

The cold morning air taunted us while we waited.
I took a seat, book in hand and used the words to block out the outside world known as my reality.
I was quite content with how the words seem to wrap themselves around me, warm me, love me then I heard my name.
My name is the only thing that can take the words, twist the words, and break the words so they may come down, no longer able to protect me.
“I keep forgetting that you are gay, you don’t act it.”

Maybe it’s because when words are not enough to keep others out I flip the switch and act straight.
Maybe it’s because I know that expressing my true inner feelings could get eyebrows to raise and eyes to glare, could get people to snicker and laugh behind my back and have their hands protect the words that they let drain into others ears.
Maybe it’s because at home one dim glow of light in any shape or form could make my shoulder freeze as my mother turns to her phone trying her best to ignore me.
Maybe it’s because at school one friend might be the same as me but when their parents arrive I need to protect them like a mother bear protecting the young.
Maybe it’s because I like the things that I do, the things I say, the way I walk, the way I talk, the way I sing, the way I laugh, the way I smile at romance.
Maybe it’s because that’s just the way I am.

Look into his eyes
And see the flame dance for me
Mine shines for him too.

This love may be wrong
But our flames still intertwine
Increasing in size.

But how is it wrong?
To share a flame with someone
To love with passion.

Tell me, why you think
Me and him should be apart?
Like this week’s laundry?

Like he is the whites
And I’m the different colors.
Keep us from dyeing.

Tell me, why you think
We can’t have marriage?
We are committed.

We’ve been together
For the longest, longest time
So can’t we marry?

Look into his eyes
And look into all of ours
We love like y’all do.

But now things seem to be hanging on a thread, a thread that slowly untwines, slowly slips from its bonds.
I am not sure how to take this. To be happy that my hands will soon be unbound or be concern that it’s happening all too quickly.
And it seems as if this thread can’t be prevented from losing its grip amongst the others.
I am helpless but then again, isn’t that a good thing?

And I heard the whispers in the night.
Whispers that came from within.
Your name was barley audible but I understood that my heart was crying.
Repeating your name.

But then when I saw your face
I had to look away.
And I felt your eyes gazing me over
taking in every detail that I was offering
I still want you.
so please stop staring.

The light petals of love's flower
spin in the air
dance in the air.
Entertaining all who watch them make their way down
into the hearts which are hungry for a piece of love.


They land gently
softly.
They land.

Devoured
Eaten
enjoyed.

I can stare at you and feel the world slip away
It's just pulled from under my feet
and I fall not hard like the other times
but like a leaf being cradled by the wind.

Looking up I see railings
Crossing and blurring together as one
My neck hurts now.

I stare into the water and see my reflection
But where does he see all the perfection.
What does he see?
What does his eyes marvel at when mine close at everything?

He stares into the water not knowing that he is perfect
Wonders if he is worth it
Telling me to find someone who is worth it
But he was and still is worth it

The other stares not knowing that he is at sight to behold.
He sees the imperfections like a critic would see a piece of art
Ignoring the paint that was placed with such a delicate hand
and focusing on the wrong crooked incorrect lines.

Who else needs to take a walk on the decK

You make me smile
May I rest her for awhile?
Or must I leave before the shadows on your wall leave.

If I could extract every word from my lungs and leave them empty
I would.
I would stop breathing, stop the words from swirling in the air and landing on the paper.
But I can't hold my breath because the words rub against my lungs burning them with friction.

Because once we are snagged by the hook of their words
We sometimes want to release the pain.
We want to let the words speak for us while we take a back seat

Because once our hearts are chained to their power
we sometimes need to let the screams fill the pages in ALL CAPS.
Sometimes we need to bury our pain with lead and shavings.

Because sometimes the only thing that is stable is the rhymes and stanzas
The structure of 5-7-5 gives us control
The freestyles might not be enough
but they at least let us express how we feel with out being turned down.

This is why we write Heart Broken Love Poems.

And then the silence crept in
looking around to make sure it wouldn't be disturbed
But it wouldn't for awkwardness sat in the room with us
enjoying our nervous stares and movement.

We walked side by side with the leaves whispering with each other.
Talking the length of our walk.
I don't think you saw that my smiles
were Morse code.
The wider they were, the toothier they were, it meant
"I like you."

Naturally I would have grabbed your hand
Naturally I would have leaned in and let the aromas not be carried by the wind by breathing you in
Naturally I would have pulled you close, felt your breath become quick
felt your heart be the drums in your ribcage band
Kiss those lips and smile again.

Naturally That's what I would have done.
But Naturally I can't.

I let your words fall like rain drops upon my skin.
Let them hit lightly then watch them inch there way down and pool together.
Watch them collect, one by one until a drop falls onto the ground.
But like Rain drops on a cool September day they don't bother me.

And the hand of Death soothed your pain.
Death rested his handed, reassured you that it would be easy to go to the next life.

Everything I said
Was to protect you from me.
I can't tell you why.

Sometimes words must stop
In the throat to prevent hurt
The hurt you would feel.

To prevent myself
from interfering with things
I must stay quiet.

The pillow became you and the blankets your arms.
I slept with the safe feeling you get once you are kept away from harm.
But then it was time to wake and stop dreaming about you
Face the reality that you are not love true.

Tonight the pillow will once again  be you
and the blankets my sanctuary
as your arms stroke my heart and keep me warm.
In the morning  
The pillow will be pillow
blankets dead weight that smother me
and they cycle will repeat
once I go to bed.
Again.
and Again
And Again.

The light played tag with the shadows and with me.
The wind, close to my ears, began whispering.
A leaf fell from a tree, greeted me, landing on my open hand.
But I felt no light, no wind, no leaf.
I felt nothing.

I must keep my heart from fallin
Can't travel this road again
Though covered in sweet, sweet roses
The thorns seem so imposin
Seem dangerous those roses.

One leaf disconnects from its home.
Guided by the wind, disconnected for an adventure.
The tree looks on.
It looks on desperate to have the leaf be back home once again
But it was the leaf's time to go.

Death's winter hand touched my heart.
He held it turning my blood to ice.
He took it with him and left.
I was left with no heart.
Left empty.

Resting my heart on the pillow within
Taking this chance for it to rest.
Closed the walls and the doors
Go to sleep Heart
You deserve it.

You don't have to worry about
Working everyday trying to get his attention
You don't have to worry about
hiding the tears away.

Just go to sleep
you deserve it.

He can take your heart place it on the seat.
He can press the bar down to secure you from running away.
He can take you on a ride.
How high can he go? Better yet how low can he go?

Maybe when he reaches the ******,
When your heart is on a high and admiring the view that's before you
When your breath is taken and leaves with the wind racing against yourself

Maybe then he will let the bar up
and watch you fall
like you did to me.

The point of making one
is not to make the same mistake
even if you want to.

Death came knocking on my bedroom door.
Death was welcomed a long distant friend, so I let Death In.
Let death in with one implore
"Lead me to where I must be, Lead me swiftly to my End."