she asked if i knew what i wanted when i was 18
of course i ******* knew what i wanted back then
that is when i first fell in love with a soul sucker
and my life whent completely off course.  what i wanted
****** me over, and now i don't know if i should give in
since then i sold my soul to the devil, just to give in
to get what ever i want, and still i don't really *******
think i need what i really ******* think i want
**** what i want. i want what i need

i need the old ****, the **** that got me so high
that i didn't need to sleep for days, or i could sleep
and it wouldn't matter because you were watching
and i could ******* sleep as deep as i wanted to
and know that when i come up for air, you would be there
waiting to know that i fell asleep and made it alright
and that high became life, i stayed high off you so much
so that it doesn't really scare me that i talk to you at night
in my writing, or when I'm singing, or when i do *******
anything you stupid *****, what the **** did you slip in my drink????
im poisoned after the fact and i can't get you out of my blood
the way i see it, is not the same way my therapist sees it
so i keep going to him, just kidding i never see him, he hates me
or maybe he doesn't, either way he never tells me how he feels,
he just asks me questions and lets me sit in my feelings for seconds
**** that i sit in them all day, i don't need to pay to find the pain
i just ******* really  need to stop sleeping or find a way to fall asleep
either of the two because i only live when I'm dreaming now,
its not the drugs, no i mean real ******* full blown dreams
like god ****** how it was back before we ******, and i told
your lover that i only enjoyed dreaming and not waking life
just because i could be with you, and yet he didn't take my warning
**** no! no one ever takes my warning, they are all too busy listening
to their own ******* ***** and hearts and blood pumping rust and
their own ******* thoughts and feelings, and it never ever occurs or
comes back to me in the end, always to them, so **** them, wait also
im gonna stop thinking about you in the end, because ******* too
youre not special enough to deserve two separate entities of people
waking up everyday thinking about how selfish, or pretty you are
or whatever else i do think about you, more like wonder because youre fake
imagination or maybe you are still alive and still exist and i didn't make you up
to hurt myself , maybe i only think about me now, i don't know yet
great . i just ******* think about how possessed i am that i have nothing
nice to say about you, good thing i say nothing at all to you, and i just spend
all this time, painting you into pictures, even tho I'm using my own blood
i say that now but until i
blow my brains out onto venetian blinds, just for the splatter effect
                       and because i hate them enough to waste my life on them
                                             whatever will i do , but waste my life on you

Body:
      Pinups and post adolescent boys screaming turbulence
strung out in my room, days for ever growing more jaded
what ever that means, surely these things, will rip my heart out
get back to my head, share anything, better make my head feel still

     Reading in  the blue light that is a broken hearted city passing by
  without it all , skylines for side views, heading south, away from it
when will it all mean surely nothing, will it rip my head out
get back to my bed, share anything, better make  my bed feel here


     Thankful for all the things i get wrong that i still feel in the day
  you out there, somewhere doing good , filling the world with so much hope
where age means nothing, and you can marry me, and stay the same- beautiful
money where it does not mean a thing, money make the world turn , anything

    
      Closure seeking itself in the open flatlands of an opaque remembering scheme
  this is him in his prime, waiting for me with the open hands of a martyr stinging
when will  you separate the screams from the hit on key singing of angels of sorts
foxes in the court room dancing during the sweeping, over papers left behind foxes

I just want to see you, Baby, standing right outside my door
All I want is you for my own, more than you could ever know
All the dreams I would be fine with letting go, and never seeing through
When I say to anyone else all I want is you, I'm lying a white christmas
Another one, far away , from you

slowly getting naked week by week to the 80s
book of mormon distance of irony apart from you
french texts in between, growing with this something

but then there it  is yet again, that silence fuss and distance
yet we are on the west side, rocks and the ship wreck among them
sipping clementine breeze through iv simple, should be eating but I just am
used to have energy for two, strangled by the telephone chords all bogged down and
i don't know why i , feel so tongue tied , i don't know why i feel so hidden deep down inside

Diagonal insertion of myself into this room we call the present moment
its never gonna go to collections baby, obviously checked it in for a week
we found static in the interruption caused by your radio towers and traps
and what you say, is not true- i see whose driving the hearse, shotgun
appeal to the old me. satisfy my hungering for those other things please

and tho i told you not to bother to call her, you did and just to say you did
don't blame you because you are a good time, perforated into tiny fragments
its not legal but this pedestal fits me like a glove, too much for the initiation
but our doubts, are all left in yesterday. how i follow you home after ever show
come help me hack off the vines and roots after every night of this spilling myself

skips on the record, please don't forget me, i won't forget you, how could i
youre just a missed cherry ash falling on my leg, burning me holes through
saying what you want to say, sorry that i don't reply, see me in the morning
shuddering on my favorite words, while screaming death to the secretion !
first we go spinning out                  then go smashing painted stained glass !