I fell in love with a dreamer,
whom thoughts are only about his future
his captivating dreams
whom hands are only for painting the sky
and feet for chasing the sun

Sometimes I scream inside my head as I stare at his ambitious eyes
If only you could understand me

Please notice that
sometimes I'm so lonely
jailed inside your tiny sickening heart

Please notice that
sometimes I need a hand to hold
a laugh to hear
a breath to feel
a long night conversation while we lay under the starry sky

Please notice that
I don't need the most expensive things in the world,
you see,
I only need someone who would dance with me under the pouring rain

Please notice that the best treasure is not the one that is hidden under the tall waves
It's the one that's beating under your ribs
It's the one that comes from your crooked teeth
It's the one that is kept in our photo albums, where everything's natural and imperfect
and actually, beautiful

and though you think you're doing this,
chasing the sun and painting the sky for me
please stop for awhile
let's lay down here with me on the ground
let the breeze kisses your tired eyes and heal your scars
don't you see?
you don't need to win the world for me, for us
*we don't need it

It was summer '95
When I decided to get back home
Seeing that old little town I kinda miss
Where I met my high school friends like 5 years ago,
Dated some famous guys from the football team,
Then graduated with honors, finally

First stop was my old house
I swear I could still hear
My father's laugh,
My mother's deep breath,
Or those strange noises my little brother used to make while sleeping

I stepped into my room
Got lost in some random teenage memories for a while
But I was fine...
In fact, I smiled
My eyes just caught something, right at the corner

It was a phone
And it was my favorite
Cause back then when I was young
There was this boy who always stayed on the other side
Waiting for me to pick it up
So the cable could resonate my voice into his right ear
Probably his heart, too

Late at night, I still remember
When anxieties ate a half of our bravery
We started singing a lovely lullaby
And when the lyrics didn't make any senses anymore
We stopped, just to count each other's breaths
Until the sun kissed the night sky above our sleepy heads

But it was my fault
I was too young and naïve for understanding love and its game
That's why I kept on dancing inside the fire
Thinking it was peaceful and warm
Ignoring the ringing alarm
Not knowing even the smallest spark could burn me down

The nightmare began that night,
When I called him and he wasn't there
I thought oh well, maybe he was busy?
So I drove to his house at 10 pm
Just to drop my heart and let it sink

There he was
Kissing my friend at his lame party
Without even inviting me
When I stood in front of the opened door
A bottle clanked
The ticking clock paused for a second
Then he screamed my name, saying he was sorry
But everything around me had turned into a black and white photograph
I couldn't hear anything
I couldn't feel anything

People on the street looked at me curiously
As I ran away with tears on my pale face
I didn't really care
I slammed my car door and pushed the gas pedal really hard
Hoping winds would blow the pain away
But it never did

At home I blasted the radio on
Soaking myself in sad love songs
I spent that night crying
And the next night
And the night after the next night

A knock on the door woke me up from this long and gloomy nostalgia
I took a deep breath and stepped out of my room
My husband had been standing there, waiting for me
'what did you find?' he asked while grabbing my right hand
'nothing,' I shrugged. 'Just a life lesson.'
He laughed and sneaked into my room

'That was the phone you used to call me when we were teenagers...?'

The nostalgia flashed inside my head once again;
There my husband was
Screaming my name
Saying he was sorry

We sat in the same abandoned library
but our words were tangled
to our own tongues
letting questions
subconsciously
consume
our wandering minds

Perhaps,
words are not clever enough
to arrange jumbled thoughts?

Perhaps,
words are too child's play
to find a way
out of paradoxical days?

Perhaps,
words are not tough enough
to carry that much
bitter tragedies
of dusty love stories?

Perhaps,
words are too clear
to cover
every wherefore
behind every tear?

Or
perhaps,
words are nothing but
words
you didn't spill them
since you *didn't love me

My voice shook while my throat
vomited the rotten question out
between my broken lips it poured
so softly that it sounded blurred
   'can I keep
        these million pieces of us
            in my little wooden coffer?'

'Cause when I saw your eyes yesterday
I'm pretty sure I could still find me
splattering watercolors on your diary
before the sun sets into million lullaby

But last night
you said
you were tired
of unending fight
wanting to leave

No!
I wouldn't let you
crack my ribs and
throw my fragile heart
to the wolves

Your veins were caught
between my teeth
so I started drinking
you
your lies
your selfishness

That night we crashed
two red stained glasses
in dimming neon lights
but when the stars fall
I'm keeping us

Two pumping hearts
*in a little wooden coffer

Today,
I'm all alone
wrapped in the freezing cold December wind
standing next to my old high school gates

I don't even know why it somehow brings
a beaming memory
whom whispers a secret
between an affectionate boy and a mindless girl

June 29, 2010,
I still remember your voice inside my head, sucker
'Can I talk to you for a while?'
'No,' I answered, shortly
I laughed inside my head and smiled
cause I thought I had killed
your feelings toward me

December 14, 2011,
You haven't given up on me
Not yet, I guess
'Stop acting like a butterfly,' you sweared while smirking
at me, of course
'I'm not,' I denied him, as usual
'well, look at you now.
Trying to get away from me every single time I try to catch you,'

I didn't know if it was because of your smile
or your dazzling eyes
all I ever knew was
my heart just skipped one of its beats

June 29, 2012,
I'm sorry I couldn't escape the walls I've built
neither could I find my dead soul
I was trapped in my self-centered mind and
love
for the first time ever was not the key

You were wrong about catching butterflies
because you see, I didn't fly away

instead I was waiting
to be free
like a bird in a golden cage
you should've won me

Today*,
It's December 14, 2013
this is why
everything drives me back
to *that day
when my heart unbelievably skipped a beat

I know the affectionate boy is still there
trying to find something that fits
the keyhole of my self-centered mind