It seems
Harder and
Harder
To pick myself up
Again

me
and
the
shadow
of
the
friend
I
once
had

I want to be
Okay
But it's just
So
Hard.

We are all just collections
of reactions
to our past.

I write too much.
I think I write too much.
I think I think too much.
I think I write too much cause I think too much.
And I think I write too much about thinking too much.
I think I think too much about thinking too much
And writing too much that I just don't know what to think.
I think I'm gonna think myself dead.


.....I think

Can't write tonight
Stare at the words
Turn up the light
I can see
But I can't write tonight
There's words on a page
Blue lines and liquid rage
How come I see these words
But I can't write tonight?

I wanna scream and shout
Because I just can't spell it out
I can scream
But I can't write tonight
How come I scream
Because I can't write tonight?

My chest feels sunken in and heavy
Right where I keep my thoughts when they're not ready
It makes me nervous
That I can't write tonight
Why don't I think
That I can write tonight?

It's either depression or suppression
They give me pills without a question
I'm telling you,
I just need to write tonight
I'll be ok
If I can just write tonight

“Write about ***” I whisper to myself
“No. No, that’s disgusting” I respond with vigor
“Write about love.” I suggest in the condescending tone adults often take with me
But I do not want to write about love,
I have never been in love
I have never felt anything like love
I hate writing about love
I hate the pronouns
I always want to write about hers
About the smell of perfume on her dress
And the way her hair curls and twists like the plotline of an Oscar Wilde novel
I always want to write about she’s
And the way she never makes fun of my silence
And the way she laughs
And the way she cheats off of me in geometry,
Even though we both know my answers are always wrong
She’s like a triangle
A cute
But if I were a shape
I’d be obtuse
Because when  we walk to together in the hallway I always get the urge to grab her hand
But I never have
And  I want to tell her to take off her makeup because she’s just so perfect
And you know she cried last week and I didn't know what to say
I never know what to say around her
But she never minds, she can have a conversation with me and I never have to say anything
And some days it takes all my restraint
Not to write about her
And I want to write about how I love her
I want to write about the way I love her
But hatred always hits me in the gut
And pain in the face
And shame cripples my fingers
So that I can never write she
And when he comes out of my pen
I rip the pages of my failed poem out of my notebook
And cry
Because I can’t stand writing lies