she asked me
"what is so
horrible
in your teenage life
that you feel the need
to **** yourself?"
to be honest,
i'm not even sure
anymore.

the list kept growing and
i got tired of keeping score.

still trying to find my
voice
even when im
drowing in a
never ending sea of
them.

I sat in the tub,
Thinking of everything that's
Gone wrong in my life.
I tried to think about all the
Good things but
They couldn't come.
Everyone is trying to be
So nice to me,
And I'm sick of it.
I deserve to be treated
Terribly.
I should actually probably be
****** or hanged or
something.
But, instead you all treat me
Like nothing ever has happened.

I look over at my scissors and
They beg me to try them out again.
But I don't,
Because somehow
Some sort of happiness
Comes through me and
Tells me not to.
rachel, just don't cut for thirty minutes.
draw or do something else.
if you don't give in to it,
then after those thirty minutes
you should be okay.

You said that to me awhile back and
Now I understand why.
For days like these,
I need that in my mind.
Your soft, kind voice
Telling me that it'll all
Be okay soon.

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite new a thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body.  i like what it does,
i like its hows.  i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones,and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the,shocking fuzz
of your electric furr,and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh….And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you so quite new

i will wade out
                        till my thighs are steeped in burning flowers
I will take the sun in my mouth
and leap into the ripe air
                                       Alive
                                                 with closed eyes
to dash against darkness
                                       in the sleeping curves of my body
Shall enter fingers of smooth mastery
with chasteness of sea-girls
                                            Will i complete the mystery
                                            of my flesh
I will rise
               After a thousand years
lipping
flowers
             And set my teeth in the silver of the moon

The memory of you still exists in my mind,
three years, two girlfriends, and a thousand bottles later.
The way i look for your eyes in a crowd is unsettling,
searching each face as they walk by in their own quiet parallel universe,
unaware of the longing for the comfort of your soft voice and gentle touch.
I look for you because you still are the one,
the one who suffered with me without question and saved me when i was in need.
Salvation was in large supply.
Redemption was a certainly familiar entity.
The road to your heart was a unpaved trail through the wilderness of time and space.
Let it be the one i stay on till the end.

That girl,
The one who always smiles,
The one who is quiet but never shy,
The one with an average score,
The one you have never seen cry.

What you don't know is
Under those pink, purple and green
Bracelets and watch
Are where the scars hide
Every night she cries
And wonders why.

The piece of paper she has written
Saved in her top drawer of the left
Never being able to place it
Tomorrow will be better,
She keeps telling herself,
She seems fine but
It is because she will never tell.

Until she finds the courage
To leave the letter
And her mom will find it
Along with herself
Maybe with a smile on her face
But that time it wont be fake.