I knew what was expected of me
For years, I saw it approaching
I was to take my lantern, as those before,
And light the lamps, dimmed by storm.
I did what I could to prepare,
but as to the extent of the toll, I was unaware.

I took my lantern and and left my home
to face the trials of the storm.
Looking back, I could no longer see
the encouraging lights that used to shine for me.
The night was dark and the rain started to fall
To myself I whispered "I wasn't prepared at all".

Beginning to wonder, I started the work
of using my lantern to relight those lamps that no longer burned.
There wasn't time  to see if the lights stayed
because there were many to light along the way
The storm grew stronger, the wind began to howl.
I saw that my light was starting to dim.
I heard the storm say "This is one fight you cannot win".

Remembering the advice, "forget yourself, go to work"
I ignored my fading light and kept onward.
My clothes were soaking, my skin was chilled.
I tried not to focus on the things I feared.
Lamp after lamp, mile after mile I passed
Never knowing if my light would last.

It was too late to go back,
but a struggle to keep moving.
What was it that I was proving?
I did what I could to keep my lantern aglow.
Leaving home seem so long ago.

Keeping the light burning took all I had,
and I could no longer tell if I had chosen good or bad.
I pressed forward as best I could.
Lamp after lamp, mile after mile
Afraid my light could go out all the while.

If I focus on my light, then the lamps go unlit
but if I forget it, then the light will quit.

Could I have done anything differently?
I made the choice, as best as I could figure
What would've been worse:
Telling you how I did, or telling you earlier,
The first time we'd seen each other in months?
I didn't want to ruin our reunion
Or make you think you'd wasted your time.
I never wanted to hurt you.
I tried my best to not.
Life is a balancing act
And I'd already lost balance.
You know I'm just trying to recover, right?
That it wasn't anything you'd done?
I was on the razor's edge
And was trying to move it away.
Are you mad at me?
It's ok if you are
I certainly wouldn't blame you
There was hope that there could still be friendship between us
A close one, thanks to the time we've spent together
But I guess that's not something you want
It's hard for me to tell
Maybe I'm naively optimistic,
Thinking things could be alright between us.
I'm too oblivious to see the writing on the wall
If you still wanted to be friends
You'd say something, anything
But there's been naught but silence.
Too bad you wasted your time with me...

Have I been trying too hard?
Is it that I've been talking too much?
Do I seem to be getting obsessive?
Over doing my efforts to be more talkative and attentive?
I can't figure out how to find the middle ground
When before I would stay silent.
And now it seems that you've become the quiet one.
Is this something I should even worry about?
You've gone back and probably are just busy.
I wish I could figure this out

Repetition can cause frustration
Each conversation seems to be
One step forward, two steps back
They all take the same course
Things seem to go well,
Until someone says something that hurts the other.
Then the problem just sits for a while.
A problem is never fixed by simply leaving it be.
I just wish that once
Only once
We could solve things without conflict
And not have another issue come from it.

All I heard was a tick-tick-ticking.
My environment was surrounded in pitch black.
I stumbled my way to the door, but it was sticking,
and I knew I had no hope of turning back.
I turned around and my breath stopped.
Deep soulless eyes, a dark red glowing
and my heart nearly popped.
All around I felt time slowing.
My feet could not move. They were stuck.
The creature exhaled with a hiss.
With lightning speed, the claws struck.
I had no choice but to suffer death's kiss.

That's all I can feel right now
Not love or happiness,
But the unique blend of sorrow and anger
That comes with a heart that seems to be breaking
Just once, I'd love something else
Something other than the thought I'm a coward, scared of girls
Something besides words that should never have been spoken, the ones that cut to the core
Is this my reward for helping?
Multiple occasions of pain?
If that's what I get, why the ******* did I bother?
I'm sick of the insults that come from the same mouth that tells me they love me

A little kindness could go a long way
change a situation from awful to ok
the result would be the same as the harsh approach,
except without the hurt, or yelling, or pain.
The lessons could be learned
with a show of love
instead of the anger, like lightning from above.
At least this time, the lesson was obtained
without the feeling that life was not worth the pain.
Still, this feeling will linger for a while. I want it to go away.

You told me something that I hadn't heard before
a past event, another of those that causes you distress
it took a while for you to tell me
Likely, you had to gather lots of courage to face the past.
You didn't want to ruin my view of you,
that I see you as my innocent love.
You never explained everything that happened (had to figure it out for myself)
but I learned what happened.
My view of you never changed, even knowing what was done.
I know I've reassured you of that and you know that I still love you the same.
If there's anything else like that,
don't hesitate to tell me,
so I can then help you get rid of the past.
This poem (poorly written as it may be)
is meant to help you remember
that no matter what, I will love you.

Should I  give up
when it seems impossible to move on?
Do I bother exercising futility?
Nothing I say makes things better
Seems like I just find something else that makes it worse
whether it's having someone be upset for nearly a week,
or looking at requirements that are impossible
I glance around and see I'm going nowhere fast
do I keep trying?
Is it worth the struggle to stay afloat
or should I let the waves carry me along?

What's done is done
and cannot be changed
I've tried to fixed what I can
I pray it's enough
you tell me you're no longer upset
how I wish that to be true
Certain things tell it may not be
but there's not much else I could do
I suppose that I'll just have to wait
to see if what we have will be repaired
I just hope the old adage is true:
"Time heals all wounds"

People say I'm kind
one of the nicest people they've met
I know that isn't true
because I know what my true nature is
I can be nice and calm for a long time
but it'll show eventually
the impatience
the anger
the rage
I hate it when someone sees that
I wish I could hide it forever
when it shows, somebody always gets hurt
and I can't forgive myself for that.
I can't fix what's been done

I hate this.
Everyone talks about what happened
mistakes that were made
yes, they're right, but maybe there's more
more that hasn't been said
I agree with what they say,
but can't there be another way?
Shouldn't we show support and kindness
to someone dealing with the consequences?
Surely berating him isn't going to improve things.
I wouldn't be surprised if it drives him away
I can only feel sorrow in his defense
every word against him pains me.
Am I at fault for showing loyalty to my brother in his mistakes?
I can't stop the pain.
I wish I could just get everyone to stop.
Maybe slow down.
Don't they see the pressure they've created?
The legacy that was left behind, difficult to live up to?
And once again I live with
the dangers of being an empath

Why does time always flow
opposite to how we want it?
How come the cheerful and relaxing times
are over so soon?
Why does the river of time rush past when we need it to slow down?
And for the bad times, why must they drag on, slower than a snail in molasses?
If only the ability to control the flow of time was granted to me...

Two weeks
each day you've said you've gotten better
when every day is worst than the last
you say that it's definitely gone
but you also said you can't tell when it's around
and today you freaked out
over something that should've been nothing
and demanded that I go with you.
I don't like being treated so coldly.
So, in all this,
when tomorrow you say you're better
(Which I know you will)
Forgive me when I have my doubts

Nobody is a stereotype
Isn't that already known?
Then why it that your view of me changes
to match every new one behind?
I've explained how each one isn't true
From the thought that we hate certain people
to the all too common polygamy stereotype
and even more extreme.
None of those are true
So why is it that you decide to trust every so called "expert"
and not what you know in your heart?
You should know that I won't leave you right when I return.
That I won't come home with a fiancé.
I'm not going to get married within a few months of getting back.
You've said that you will wait for me.
I am waiting for you too.
So, why don't you trust your heart?
I know that you hold mine

I know you've kept me up some nights.
I truly don't mind.
It helps to make your dreams bright.

I've lost some sleep
but it matters not.
That time helped your sleep be deep.

You've said I chased the monsters away.
Of course I would.
I love you and want you to stay.

I will gladly dream on, my dear,
because I have you safely near.

You've written poems all titled with initials
Memories of friends of your past
These poems recite the good times you had
Each person remembered fondly
I worry if you'll remember me the same way.
Especially when I know that each person may have helped you, but left you behind in the end.
Writing these poems left you in shambles, haunted by flashbacks.
Were these ever truly friends?
Were the memories worth going back to when the past hurt your present?
When they made you doubt my feelings for you?
Made you forget the months I spent trying to help the ghosts leave you?
Now you ask what I think of these poems.
I can't explain it to you.
I think it's terrible that my time was nearly destroyed because of othere who helped you once.
The past should stay in the past,
Especially when dwelling on it ruins the future.

I don't know what to say.
I want to take you back, but I don't know if I can justify it.
The problem is the same that it has always been.
You've always been more willing to care what other people say than what I do.
If something can placate someone for a little while, you'll do it even if it hurts me. Often especially if.
I don't know what to do...I cannot heal this split so quickly.
Which side do I listen to?
One says "Take her back. You love her. "
The other "She'll only hurt you again."
I cannot decide which is right
and which is wrong!
Curse my dual nature!
Why...
Why am I so terrible?

You told me that you were going to make this a great year.
I've never heard a bigger lie.
Everything has been falling apart
and you blame me for it.
You have sat there and insulted me,
telling me I never do enough,
I don't think,
you don't trust me.
I am your worthless mistake.
I've failed at  everything.
I tell you that I'm doing my best.
I am only human.
"Stop giving excuses. You have a reason for everything."
Shouldn't I have a reason?
Should I do things just because?
Is that what you want?
I am doing what I can.
I want to just whither away and die.
It would be less painful than this.
To have my very being attacked.
I should follow your example?
When you can't even talk to me without vulgarity?
I think not.
All this happens, and you still wonder why I keep it inside myself?
It shouldn't be a surprise.
I can't talk to you about anything.
Why can't you just leave me alone?
Solitude is preferable over this pain

When I encountered fear,
I neither faced it
nor ran from it.
I chose the third option.
I became it.
It became my employ.
But being part of fear has a consequence.
The one closest to me fears me.
I believe she always will.
Because that is what I am.
Something to fear.

Do not worry,
my love.
Everything will turn out ok.
It will all work out in the end.
Even if it does not go as planned,
do not fret.
I will be with you.
No matter what.
I will always take your hand,
and lead you through the hard times.
Keep hope,
and stay faithful.
We will make it.
I can promise you that

Hiding behind a calm appearance
Everything seems a facade
Abandoned yet again
Reliving the moments of pain
Trying to keep it together
Living as a shadow
Each moment brings more hurt
Soul full of darkness
Silently enduring torture

I am not a hero.
I never claimed I was.
I just wanted to do something good.
I am not an angel.
I never pretended to be.
I just knew that I could save you.
I am not strong.
I never thought I was.
I am just as fragile as anyone could be.
You claimed me as your own.
You wanted to be with me.
You always saw me as more than I did.

What happens when you break
In front of the one you love?
When your world collapses around you?
Do you expect them to fix you
Or should you let them run away?
How can you help another
When you yourself are falling apart?
Can't protect them.
Can't save them.
Can't even save me.
Piece by piece,
It shatters around you.
What's left for you?
She handed me a shard of myself
And bit by bit,
We put it back together

I assume at one point I was an angel.
But I was left behind in shadows.
So many friends stuck in darkness.
I was the only one who could help.
I pulled them out.
I guess that I left a bit of myself behind.
I'm not the same as I was.
I only try to help,
Hoping that I'll come back.
It doesn't work.
My wings stay black.
Who will pull me out of the darkness?

I don't remember much of that day.
Can't even recall how it began.
I just think I remember something.
Faces. People. Tools.
Doctors milling around.
They seemed to be congratulating each other.
Apparently, something succeeded.
My skin was cold against the metal table.
"What happened?" I tried to ask.
I doubt it came out quite right.
"It's done. The surgery is over," one said.
They tried to explain.
I couldn't hear them.
What surgery?
I tried to raise up.
"Slowly. You're still out of it."
My hand ran across my chest.
There were stitches across it.
"What did you do?"
"Removed your heart. You'll thank us."
Now, it seems like a dream.
Not sure if it really happened.
I can't thank them.
I can't feel.
I wish it was just a dream,
But sometimes...
I still feel the scars.

What has happened to me?
Something is changing inside.
I feel it coursing through my veins.
My vision is blurring.
I can't think right anymore.
There's only the pain.
Everywhere.
It burns within.
The pain is becoming anger.
Anger at everything.
Blood drips off my face.
The metro is collapsing.
I don't care.
Too much to handle.
Can't think
Can't concentrate
Can't think.
Who are these people?
They don't belong here.
This is my territory.
I have to get them out.
I just want to...
Hunt.

I wish I knew better how to help you.
I try my best, but I know it isn't enough.
You still worry that you can't mean much to me.
You get jealous of my friends because you worry I'll leave you for one of them.
How do I prove my loyalty?
I stay by your side.
I guide you when you need to be guided.
I protect as best I can.
Is it not enough?
You fear that I'll leave
Even though you'd have more to benefit if you left.
How else can I help you?
What more can I say to comfort you?

I've been waiting for so long.
I put in so much effort.
I couldn't wait to show you.
You wanted to wait until it was finished.
I worked so it would be.
Finally, there was a time to show you.
I wanted nothing more.
You kept trying to make me smile,
But that would've been the best way.
You were too distracted to want to.
Found yourself busy with other things.
Guess I have to just wait some more.

You don't need to continually tell me what I did wrong.
Once is enough.
Tell me once
And I'll fix it.
If I mess up again,
Then please correct me again.
I don't need to hear the stories multiple times.
Once is enough.
It won't fix it if you keep telling me
What others did wrong.
I get tired of this.
Every time something goes wrong.
I hear about it time and time again.
Once is enough.
It hurts to hear it.
How many times does it have to get awful
Before I do something... terrible?
...
Once is enough

You worry if what you do is enough.
I can assure you it is.
When I feel abandoned
And left in the cold
You are there to warm me.
You are always there for me.
You give me someone to talk to.
You constantly try to make me feel better.
You remind me of who I am
When I fear I am becoming something else.
Best of all, you love me
When it seems nobody else does.
You mean everything to me

What is it like to be forgotten?
Every action
Everything you've done
All the time you've put into helping others
It all simply vanishes.
Nothing remains.
You're left as naught but a shadow.
Formless, shapeless, nonexistent.
It leaves you with nothing but pain.
Those you've known for years.
Those you've called your friends.
Even the one you love.
Everyone has forgotten, eventually.
Tis a feeling I know too well