Today, I want to die.
I want to vanish and leave everything behind.
I want to stop my mind from sending unwarranted thoughts,
I want to scream and scream until I’m exhausted.

Today, I want to know why I need to continue living.
I want to see why I’m still needed here,
When in fact the world will be much better without me,
And my mere existence is a burden that the world carries.

Today, I want to ask forgiveness:
to my family who never fail to show their support,
to my friends who keep on cheering me on.
I’m sorry that I’m now tired... and resting and having a good night sleep is not enough.
I’m sorry that I need to do this,
I’m sorry that I couldn’t see the light.
I’m back again at the tunnel, where everything is black and sad.
If ever I won’t make it this time, please know that I had so much fun knowing you and loving you all..

It's been years since the last time I felt loved by another person aside from my Family.
He is an attractive man... scratch that, he is gorgeous!
Way gorgeous than what I've been praying for.

His eyes, his nose, HIS LIPS!
Everything about him screams of Masculinity.
Though I only met him online, I've always dreamed to be with him since the day we start chatting.

One thing I've noticed is he knows how to flirt!
He makes sure that I'm taken care of through his endless reminders.
He sends random snaps of himself and motivation,
he also sends voice messages that made my heart swoon.

But Wednesday came and he stopped sending GIFs.
His usual sweet good mornings and messages came to cease as if my subscription has been cut off,
and I failed to guard my heart again from getting hurt.

But surprisingly I'm not mad at him.
I'm actually happy because if a stranger can make me feel emotions unbeknown to me,
what more will be the man who will pursue me?

For now, I will linger a little bit more on his messages.
I will keep on playing his songs until I finally get over him.
Maybe writing about him here is one way to lessen this intense feeling that had been put off.
But I'm happy that last week, I fell in love

I'm drowning
slowly
to the pit of burnout
and endless tasks

I'm floating
away
from what's really important
from the real world
because of my choices

I'm dying
but every time I lay myself to rest
my hidden dreams awake me
shouting and crying
reminding me that this is not yet the end
this is not the life I'm dreaming for

I just need to push myself more
until I reach the end
and finally fall

Here it goes, I never thought I would be able to celebrate my 25th birthday today but thanks to God for giving me the Grace and the strength to carry on and continue living.

It’s been months since I’m under medication for MDD. There are days that I feel normal with no bouts of sadness but there are days that I want to end my life because I’m tired of feeling so helpless and worthless. Before I thought that those who has MDD are just a little bit exaggerated with their emotions but now I salute all those who continue to fight this battle. Despite the stigma, the name-calling, the constant pull of sadness, they still choose to move forward—one step at a time.

And today I just want to celebrate life and it’s diversity. I want to tell everyone that your emotions are valid and no one has the right to invalidate it. You are feeling it, experiencing it because you can and it’s part of life.

Let’s also normalize “blue days” as much as how to acknowledge “celebrations.” The sun is not always shining so don’t feel ashamed when you all want to do is to lay down and cry.

Some may not agree on how I live my life, on how I do my job, or how I manage people, but I’m very much thankful to those who still believe in me despite my flaws and incompetence. They are one of the reasons why I haven’t end this beautiful journey yet.

So let’s cheers and be happy while the blue clouds are still away! Happy birthday, self!