i'm not his beauty queen
i'm not even his fantasy
he loves me too much
to see me as
anything other than
his beloved human being

They want me to be soft.
They want me to bend under the strength on their hands, under the pressure of my curated thoughts. I feel like I am dying under the weight of it all. Every day I wake up and wish I were dead, but then I accept that I am not and realize there is nothing else to do but go on and so I go on, shuffling my feet along the same roads of everyone before. Along the same roads they have paved for me, entrenched me in.
I want me to be soft, too, but it seems to come at a price. The others tell me that hard women get **** done. The others keep saying that I can be the same and more, that I carry the armpit of the women before me, that I can be just as strong as THEM.
I want to be soft and safe.
I have been so hard, so calcified for so long, that my knees are forever creaking and my wrists are always sore. I know that I am hard. I know the power it brings.
I want to be soft.
I want to feel the things I’ve been deprived of for so ******* long. These pretty blondes around me are so thin you’d think the wind would break them. I want to be like them. Happy? Soft? Cashmere. Let me experience the luxury of living in a padded world.

Shatter me? do it and you’ll suffocate under the pieces of me, under the pieces of me that you wish you could eradicate. You do not like me tall you do not like me standing you do not like me in your way when I’m walking my own line. Shatter ME? you’ll die trying.  I’ve been torn apart before, I know how this goes. Flexibility has kept me alive while we sit in your stagnant world. Shatter me. I’ll only become a greater beast.

She is forever trying to understand what it means to be soft and what it means to be hard and how the two are nearly the same thing but given different connotation. To be soft is to be loving but that is also to be hard. To be hard is to be brave but that is what loving is. She doesn’t need you but she allows you to rejoice in her, because that is what loving is.  Being soft is being open and being hard is not?  To be hard is to be ready to be confident to be challenging. Is that not what loving is?  To be soft is to be hard is to be soft is to be HER.  You have required a division of the good of the great of the unstoppable inside of her because you are nothing.  Being soft means being hard and you must watch her do it all.  You must watch her NOW.  She is rumbling.

they tell me to be softer
like the snow they love to trample
and I look down
I look down at this body
at these killer slopes and cliffs

they are afraid

he cups my face and asks me
how is your mind today?
and all i can do for him
is lie
all i can do for myself
is lie it all away
he takes me upstairs and lays me down
i missed you
and i want to cry because
i know i'll miss him more
i know it'll hurt me more
when it's time for him to leave

i let him hold me after
let him own me
*please, don't let me live after you've gone