Eyes propped open by the incessant thoughts that threaten to keep you staring up for the rest of your life, continuing to search for the relief that doesn’t exist. This is how you shrivel up and die in the tub full of self-hatred, in the bubbles drawn from the shadow close behind you. You don’t know how to do it like the rest of them, waking up and walking along and not having to fight off daydreams where a happy ending looks a lot like a fresh pile of dirt in the meadow. Knobby knees knock together and your feet won’t even still while you’re lying down. Always needing to run towards the “more,” the “better,” never finding solid ground to build a hiding place.

LOVE HAS ONLY EVER BEEN A RAFT TO CLING TO IN THE WAVES OF MY SHADOWED MIND BUT NOW IT IS THE ACCESSORY I PUT ON EVERY DAY, THE SIDE EFFECT OF BEING ALIVE AGAIN, AND IT IS THE MOST TERRIFYING THING I HAVE COME TO KNOW IN THIS NEW LIFE.  LOVE IS NO LONGER ALL-ENCOMPASSING.  LOVE IS NOW THE THING I CRAVE AT NIGHT AND ON THE WEEKENDS.  IT DOESN'T KEEP ME FROM KILLING MYSELF BUT IT KEEPS ME FROM THE DULL MONOTONY OF HAVING NOTHING TO THINK OF WHEN I'M GETTING WORSE.  HIS LOVE IS LIKE A ******* PUNCH.  I HATE IT BUT IT HURTS MORE WHEN I HAVE TIME TO BREATHE IN BETWEEN THE HITS.  THIS FEELING THIS FEELING THIS FEELING IT TEARING ME APART.  THIS FEELING THIS FEELING THIS FEELING I CANNOT BEAR TO EVER LIVE WITHOUT.

I burned all of my bridges
Without knowing it
And now that I know how to seek
(Not only hide)
I am walking into gutters
Gorges and ravines
Dug by my absence
And the interpretations of
Those who once loved me
And I know that
Not one person is at fault
But it's hard to breathe when I see
The divide
And it's hard to keep stepping
When I can feel
That loss of warmth
No one else can see the person
Taking control for you
No one else can understand
It wasn't me who forgot about you
I am stranded
The old commander is gone
And I'm the only one left to blame

And I am dead to the world
Dead to your voice
And dead to your hands
Especially your hands
Because they've always known better than the head behind them
And I am dead to the garden out back
Dead to the bed we shared
And dead to our tiny dreams
We've both made new ones by now
And I am dead to you
And it is not because you have chosen someone else to get your fix
I am dead to you because I want to be
I do not want to live on in your memories
Get me out of that place
Get me away from those claws you call your feelings
Get me away from the razor sharp teeth of your hindsight
I am dead to all of it
Dead
Let me burry myself in peace
I am dead to the world
Because I am dead to you

look at all this *****

Coming out of me
Violent currents
Sinking rocks
I am drowning
In my thoughts

how to steal a soul:

blow three kisses to the mailman
two to the dean of admissions
and one to yourself
because you'll always be queen
of your own heart

three days later
drown yourself in sugar,
the hooves of lovesick pigs,
and the chipped tooths
of the bodies from
one-way-loves past

hug your cats goodbye
remember to turn off the heater
(it's hot enough inside you)
don't forget a brain-melting
smile

and jump