1. I seriously contemplated killing myself today for no real reason If I were to go to therapy tomorrow and have to answer, give a "why," I wouldn't have one. I don't know how to accurately explain this kind of nonsensical sense of "wow, this cannot get better, I hope it gets worse" while still holding on with all your strength to think about a new day coming. My nails are permanently red form clawing at the new days I've been told so much about
2. I like this feeling of sinking. It makes me feel concrete in a structure that I already believe to be concrete which only serves to make me even more sure that I am real and dissociation can **** my ******* ***. But from a distance. Keep that scaly freak away from me. I sit up and the meds push me down, gently, like they're putting me to sleep because it's just what the universe ordered. I don't believe in that ****, but right now, I would like to.
3. He likes me so much that he doesn't know what to do with himself because we both made it so obvious, so clear that a romantic relationship, that a bf and gf relationship, was not on the board and would never be on the board but now he wants it on the board and i'm thinking that what we really need is a new game entirely to let run our awkward lives. Boys always think they're the best at playing the game. But their powers are immune to the smart, nerdy, big assed girl like me who can put them to shame in about a month. usually less .I love my big ***, and so does he.
some xanny thoughts (centered is where it's at dawg)