old habits die hard
nervous habits die harder

i hadn't touched myself
since i got over you

but today,
i peeled back my skin
to reveal what i had forgotten

which is that
i still haven't
forgotten
you.

I know
mostly
I don't even write anymore
in my streaks of
4 o'clock
the words barely come to my throat
and then fall into a knot
clotted coughs
taste like red roots and hip hop

the lulls of fog hug close
to the hips of the hills
caught
in the soaked grass
and the sighs of February

the styrofoam sticks
burned to the roots,
compact in the cracks
of the sidewalk so packed
into my memory

and the powdered
assimilation
leaves sweetness
on the base of my tongue

the hooves of fog
race us
they dance between the trees
bucking at the thunder
at the bursting
of my anticipation

Captured and kicking,
I'm back at the clinic.
Due to spins and spills,
I must swallow these pills.
A kaleidoscope in my mind
Swirling, no concept of time.
False beliefs held with pure conviction.
Afraid of the world, of loved ones, suspicion.
To others, appearing a mess.
Feeling like I am the best.
Happiest times of my life.
Happiness comes with a price.

I have let human beings become my ruin.

Today,
You told me how
your father never wanted you.

How,
you feel as if
you have no real family.

When,
he kneed you in
the face, over & over again.

Simply,
for not doing
what he pleased.

Today,
as you explained you
laughed because, "after all this time, I have to."

Today,
I wept all
the tears you were never allowed to.

Thought you weren't
going to come
Helen said
she stood by Baldy's

grocer shop
her thick lens glasses
were smeared
by recent rain

her plaited hair matted
had chores to do
at home
you said

you looked at the sky
guess you got caught
in the last downfall
you said

she nodded
brushing raindrops
off her green raincoat
with her small hands

then wiped
her smeary glasses
with damp fingers
where are we going?

she asked
you looked at her
standing there
her wet features

and clothes
raindrops falling
from her nose
best go back

to your place
to get out
of your wet clothes
you said

don't matter
she said
it does
you said

you'll catch a death
she looked at you
I’ll dry
she said

no
you said
best go home
your mother

will let you changed
out of the wet things
while I wait
she pulled a face

OK
she said
so you both walked back
to her place

she talked
of her mother's
chesty cough
and you talked

of the silver looking
6 shooter
your old man
picked up

at some junk shop
once you got
to her home
her mother moaned

but let her changed
out of the wet clothes  
and said to you
want a cuppa?

sure
you said
and so she poured you
a mug of tea

and a biscuit
and after while
she ironed some clothes
she asked about

your mother and her legs
and if
they were any better
no

you said
they' re just as bad
the tea was sweet
and milky

but you drank it
and nibbled the biscuit
and watched her iron
her plump hands

at work
her huge bust
swaying
to her motion

then Helen
came into the room
in dry clothes
her hair unplaited

and hanging
in long strands
you look
like a drowned rat

her mother said
I should wait here
if I were you
until the rain stops

Helen looked at you
then at her mother
ok
she said

I can show Benedict
my doll collection
you smiled
it could be worse

you thought
drinking your sweet tea
worse things
could happen to me.