You said I wasn’t
bothering you by talking,
but then you stopped talking back.
When will I stop
doubting myself?

I am sure my
need for reassurance
gets tiring.

Are you sure I am not bothering you?
Am I a good person?
Are you sure these thoughts are normal?
Are you afraid of me?
Should I be hospitalized?
Are you sure you’re not scared of me?
I am scared of me.

I am scared for me.
I don’t know what to do.

Still water
Seemed so ordinary
Until it wasn't.

I tell my clients the same thing -
say "I am safe"
say "I survived"
say "I made it"
as if the present
suddenly makes my past
melt away

But there I was,
skidding into an almost accident,
just shy of crashing into a pole,
almost exactly a year later
almost exactly the same spot

And all I can think
is maybe I was supposed
to have died
that day

It wasn’t a flashback.
I sat there, staring at you
as if we were 10 years in the past
but my memories remained,
I remained.

I froze,
as if I could never move again
in a fit of panic –
Freeze Tag –
Bare and Vulnerable.
I tried not to cry
and almost failed.

It wasn’t until I got home
that I realized
you had a brother.
You had a mom and dad.
You were also a human
with hopes and dreams,
but somehow,
you just went so wrong.

I thought I ran into a ghost
and instead, I ran into reality.

I don’t remember what you look like,
but that doesn’t stop the memories.
I’m sure you’ve grown older.
Maybe you know what you did to me
or maybe you still don’t care.
But sometimes my heart still races
and I panic, thinking I saw you,
only to remember
I don’t even know
what you look like.

My breast swelled
As if filling with helium
And taking off
Into the sky.
They were anchored
Into my chest and instead
Left stretch marks
Reminding me
Of their attempted escape.

I look at the marks
As mistakes, imperfections
But you look at me
As if I am beautiful.

You play connect the dots
With my birthmarks,
My freckles,
Joining my twinkle toes
To my earlobes
And I question
Why I was made the way I am
While you label me
Beautiful.

Maybe I was made
For you.