I confront all that you have done
barr my teeth and hitch and scream
I want you to know you have not won
that I did not feel or hear
a word you spat
a hand you slapped
that I am a beast of the new world
glistening motives totally unfurled
marching on
living on

what a fantasy it is
the winning of the battle,

in truth
I am weak,
and burdened,
longing for sleep.

for one moment,
for just barely a breath,
I felt whole.
happy
eased
calm
beautiful
youthful
and completely okay.
but it was just a moment,
one that shall not be repeated.

Bite These Wires
Let you carry me away
Help me escape
Fill my silence
With words of pain and turmoil.
Each note overflowing with guilt
Every word trying to forget your mistakes
But the tune is beautiful
And calms the soul.
You say you are insane
I say no to your lovely name
A hard time for you
Is my cure for all,
You rose when I fell
But fell when I built myself back up
You ask who will love you
Only to receive my undying love
Never-ending respect
And adoration to last an eternity .
You speak of strings and battles,
We listen
with our glasses filled to the brim with Champagne,
eagerly waiting for the light to arrive.
Twilight comes and you ask us again who will love you
And though’ we respond it seems you do not hear us.
Ask us again and again as if you do not believe it.
A lad insane,
A lad to be loved.

I choose the lonely puppy cowering in the corner
I adopt the shivering stray
I carry the wolf collapsed on the road

I eat stale bread
burnt gluten free waffles
straight grapefruit juice
cinnamon on the tongue
pickle juice and
spicy foods that produce tears

I sit in the snow
in shorts and tank
I leave the curler in my hair too long
burning my stale hair always
I wash my hands until they bleed
I eat until I'm sick
I scream until my throat is raw

I wash myself
under scolding water
that leaves my back
acne ridden
itchy
and tomato red

I sleep until I'm disoriented
and sick
then I sleep some more

I cry rivers-
                 never just one tear

I dare not speak a word on my mind
I dare not speak the truth
homework pages blank
no strength to go to school
I dress too plain
or too crazy
too bulky
or too tight

playing Jenga with responsibilities
and never winning
drowning in being alive
but not really trying to swim.

I do everything too much,
or not at all
compensating
                            for
                                     a
                                              million
         ­                                                          different
                                                                ­                                 things.

the music was saying what I couldn't
                   and all I want
    is for you
                     to be good to me

I had this dream last night,
about a man
who spent years
wandering the yellow halls
of a moldy hotel.
Always at the end of the dream
he spends his time
hiding in the stairwell.
Up and down
down and up
he goes
hiding with every step--
            what is he hiding from?
        The people looking for him… I think.
He doesn’t leave the hotel,
he just keeps wandering
and hiding
all with great urgency.

The last time I had this dream
I nearly slit my throat.

"I'm sorry"
said in six varieties
a thousand times a day,
he asks why,
why it's all I ever say-
but how can I tell him
that it's all I ever feel.

Sorry burns from deep within,
Sorry runs boldly through my veins,
Sorry is screaming from my soul,
whispering from my eyes
and falling from my lips.
Sorry was beaten and spoonfed to me as a child,
Sorry was branded on my skin
Sorry was woven in my clothing
and pricked into my heart.

Sorry is all I ever was,
Sorry is all I'll ever be.

My head hangs
like a bridled horse,
I am worked to the bone,
I long for a loosened mane,
for open wilds,
for photographers to seek
my natural prancing
with praise
Oh I desire
to rear my giant legs
neighing unfaltered
and still
be glorified

She believes she is rare,
she's, one of a kind,
she believes she is special
and, she believes she's the greatest of her time.

She remembers long ago,
these fantasies raged strong.
No matter the trials she faced-
she'd, spread her wings long.

Her fiery eyes would look into theirs
and, claim her own name,
with ideas of future fame-
but,
they hunted her down.
Sharpened their swords
and readied their arrows,
someone like her simply couldn't be.

She thought she could handle anything,
that she was strong enough to stand alone,
so she spread her wings
and let the fire burn deep in her throat
knowing her scales would capture the bruises.

But they advanced,
intent on killing,
Swords raised high
and arrows raining down,
her fire wasn't as hot as she thought.
She ran,
as the arrows penetrated the scales.

Finally she had enough,
she turned and stood tall
leaving her heart exposed.
A cruel sword plunged forth,
deep inside her heart.
she fell to the ground
as they cheered.

She dragged herself away
and hid in a cave.

The Dragon inside her died that day.
She was left weak and fearful
and human.
No longer special
but terribly ordinary
and broken and alone,
too weak to pull the sword from her body.

She remained alive,
and would continue to do so,
hiding away in the lonely cave forevermore,
with a sword in her heart,
and a trail of Dragon's blood behind her.

I can't breath
too close to me
beauty it hurts
it hurls the oxygen
I can't breath
too close to me
everything I'll never be
ice cold babe
devour the weak
you are made of stars
I am made of dust
irrelevancy
suffocating
lock the door
in the morning I'll freeze
CryoBabes don't talk
to Povys like me

He likes to light up
light me aflame
puts me to shame
for all that I am..
I am a forest filled with weeds
and droopy trees
but he spends hours
picking through
looking for flowers
at the sight of none
I know I'm done
filled with anger
he lights up
lights me aflame
burns my weeds to ashes
roots to coal
and trees to stone
smoke signal of despair
suffocating smell of loss
a graveyard I hoped someone would love
but why love the ****
when you can have the flower?
why care for something in need
when you can double your power?
he likes ****
but of a different breed
lighting up with flowers
who personalities are sour
me behind
scorched and scared
just a ****
wishing
I was his kind of ****.

This is not a poem.
This is a fact.
I am alone.
I feel alone.
I do not understand the complexity of touch,
of love,
or having someone care for you.
I have a million things to say,
            a million ways to describe,
fast and jumbled together
so I'll put it simply.
           I'm alone.
           I'm alone and it hurts.
It hurts worse than happy
It hurts worse than sad
It hurts worse than anything I've ever known...
but then again,
this hurt is the only thing I've ever known.

People used to call me "The Machine",
they used to tell me I was stone cold
and if I had a heart, it was a frozen shell.
They'd laugh like it was just a joke
between friends
but it wasn't.

They used to say
every ******* day
that I was empty inside
that I was absolutely nothing.
I wrote fast
and did my homework
and spoke well
and was graceful in my manners
I was the teacher's pet
who never spoke
or disrupted
I was a little robot
going about my routine,
so they called me The ******* Machine.

I was so desperate to have another name
I did my best-I tried so hard
to play their game;

I wore myself some pig leather
paraded it as human skin
I tried to smile
I tried to laugh
I tried to imitate all I could see
but still they called me
The ******* Machine.

I am the girl, I am the machine,
I am the animal licking up **** off the street.
wires are crossed,
the mind is confused,
there's an existential crisis,
an error in the system,
I want to wipe the hard drive clean
forget about being prom queen
for after all my troubles
they've only doubled
so many thoughts-
emotions-
tearing me apart
so many feelings that don't do a ******* thing,
so I think I'd like to go back,
and be just The Machine.

I hate you 'cause you're skinny
and I hate you 'cause you're pretty
and I hate you 'cause you're clever
and you're nothing oh but better

I hate you 'cause you're perfect
in every which way
I hate you 'cause you're magnanimous
and quite simply glamourous.
I hate you 'cause you have it all
and if you don't, you can get it.
I hate you,
cause you are
and you have
everything I've ever wanted
everything I'll never have,
I hate you for being born blessed
and great
and sultry
and fine
and somewhere down the line,
you'll be perfectly content.
I hate you for being happy
I hate you for being you.
I hate you
because I won't say
that it's me I really hate.

ugly girls cannot stomp their feet,
ugly girls cannot hoist their nose
                  cannot spit demands
                  or scream childish fits,
ugly girls cannot take
                     only give
                     only serve
             only be complacent,
ugly girls may not be served,
may not be shown off,
may not be pampered,
and they may not request so,
for they are only beautiful in soul, not appearance,
therefore,
to the world,
are not worth the trouble.
The ugly girls
must remain
ugly.

The song
playing in this cafe
is an indie movie cliche
and it makes nothing else matter
besides the empty seat in front of me
and how I wish
there a was a man in it
I could smile at
and maybe
play a little footsie

the ailment is strong,
we must **** the disease
at it's origin.

but wait,
I'm the origin.

let's blow people's minds
make their heart tremble
hot breath spurling through cool air.
Let's be an indie movie
where we're unique and new
and inventive,
and sit in obscure places
wearing tattered clothing
styling our obscene hair
discussing our rocketed adventures
and disjumbled but inspirational and boggling
views on life, the universe, and everything.
Let's put them together in careful lines
and send them out to the world
so that those who read it
may call us poets.

You would think that when the lights go out
and the room is pitch black,
that I would lose my shape.
Revert back to the sickly lump
whose stomach bubbles and pops
with each heavy breath.
But I don't.
I keep steady,
hold my pose
out of sheer fear
that someone's eyes might adjust to the darkness
and see me for what I truly am.

I’m not paranoid,
it’s just that every word spoken to me
every compliment given
with that pitched tone
that implies an untruthful pity,
sounds like a lie.

I have to steady myself
when I think about your rough skin
worn with battle scars
and tattoos.

I bite my lip
at the thought of your thick eyeliner
around those eyes that are forever blue with youth.

My ears ring
with the longing to hear
that deceivingly young voice
with that funny crackle

I can't tear my eyes from you
as you roll
then light
a cigarette faster than I blink

My back arches
when I think of you
so often
in that way.

You are my life.
my universe.
my fantasy
my reality
my all and everything.

To you I'm an ant,
a petty pup to pet.

But I don't mind.

I don't mind how you smell of smoke
or that when you breath it out
my lungs disagree and cough.

I don't mind that you probably know how you effect me
and that your wish is my command
my heartache
and that if you look at me and say you want a change
I won't hesitate to cut it off
or starve
or drown
and blacken my lungs
I don't mind that you are a demon
I so happily let corrupt me.

I sigh so often at the thought of you.
Beautiful and deadly
grotesque and graceful
ashy like you crawled up from the depths below.

I admire how sick you are,
I lovingly dote on your whims
I worship you no matter what they say
no matter how dark you seem
no matter how I know it kills away what I once was.
but it doesn't matter
and I don't mind,
because you make me happy.

I just to be happy.
I want to be surrounded by positivity
and bathe in kind words
sleep, cradled in support
laughs and hugs
kisses and dancing
breath easy
and live in a place,
where tears
are an unthinkable occurrence.

Last time our lips touched-
our bodies entwined-
you felt,
to me,
a stranger.

I sit,
you sleep
hours passed,
I have not the heart
to sleep next to you.

was it me
or you
that woke one morning
and changed the game?
I'm beginning to think
it was both
that said
that felt
'there is no passion here'

I
feel no burden
no guilt
for stolen kisses
and dinner dates
you
simply ignoring
barely notice
I still live
inches away
we
are not speaking
or laughing
or jibing
just existing
where the other
also happens to be existing
time
is ticking on
the alarm will ring
and neither of us
will have anything
to say.

They said
    "there's no one else here, so we'll use you"
but even after
  hair and makeup,
they snapped 3 pics
        and refused "no more"
for even when there are no other options,
  I am still not good enough.

the sinkhole
in my stomach
screams
stretches
burns
devours

it only wants
to be loved

I can't cope with reality.
and it's getting bad.
really bad.
I don't do my homework
I don't do my chores
or play with the dog
or hardly even stay online anymore.
I go to school and I zone out
in a dead depression.
my whole body weighing a thousand pounds
at having to be alive.
I come home and I sit in an almost-asleep-like state,
and if it's not that then it's a full sleep and I sleep till five am
and take a slow
scorching hot shower
and go to school and press repeat.

It's worse than before,
with the ever looming tragedy of adulthood closing in
and my low grades
and my illnses
and existing for my 17th year.
17 years... too long.

I can't cope with reality,
if my odd aloof ways
and ugly blank face were not enough of a hint.

I can't get a job because I'm too inept
and it's all too hard for me
and scary
and I've written that it's scary and hard
a million times
but I can't help but repeat that
like I repeat my schedule
and jokes
and lies and truths
and clothes
and bland routine
i just repeat that because it's so true
and nobody seems to understand
that when I say that being alive is hard,
I really mean it.
I mean it from the core to the stars
from my bones to ashes
from every comparison you can think of
being alive is hard,
it's always been hard
and it's getting harder and harder
and I can't cope
and all this sleeping
trying to hide in my dreams
it's not enough
there's not enough hours in the day to sleep
and dream
and run
that's all I want to do is run
run far away from thsi world.
and I'm panicking
every moment of every day
it never ends
I'm getting overwhelmed
and I'm going to burst
and if a knife is in my hand when it happens
so be it.
because death is just another word for a long sleep,
and when I think about sleeping for an eternity,
it brings tears to my eyes with how good it sounds.
really good.
the best.

you took out the dustpan and broom
and swept while I mopped the dining room
     we had every DIY cleaning solution
in the palm of our hand,
    we went through the house
with a fine tooth comb
          knowing neither of us
                  ever really called this place home

I want to light a thousand torches
to guide his way.
I want to lasso the moon
so no matter the darkness
he has a light.
but he is my moon,
he is my light,
so I can't be his.
I can't be his last match
I can't be the wind
that pushes the clouds from the sun
I can't be his cup of tea
on a rainy day
or shade on a sunny day,
I can't be the one that makes him happy.
when my only happiness comes from him
I can't be the girl
to make him smile
or wake up every morning thankful.
I want to be the hand,
forever stretched out
ready to pull him up
if he falls,
but I can't.
I can't.

little baker is it true,
your payment is due
and there's no escape,
nothing to conceal your shape

little baker is it true,
your body is cold and blue,
did you lose your head
restless in bed
you thought you could beat this
each hit gives you bliss

little baker what have you done
now you've gone and lost your son
your health sadly dwindles
because of your swindels-
they'll come quite soon
you're already doomed.

Little Baker why couldn't you keep
no money to pay, your soul they shall reap

Little Baker you've lost it all
seemingly in a never ending fall

Little Baker you thought your addiction would heal
but  you knew deep down, your life it would steal.

Little Baker you gave up on life
for the same addiction that took your wife
and you were much too scared of the knife
and couldn't handle the strife
so you did as she did and dug a hole,
Little Baker it's time to pay the toll.

I sound a war cry for peace
but waves of negativity drown me.
I struggle
and fight against the cruel pressure
with arms made of hope and love.
My calm and quiet feet
break against the steep water
but without result
for the ocean is far too big
to be battled by a single person.
My years of fighting are over.
my heart sinks with my body
to the ocean floor
where hatred and vindictive lies
slowly cover my carcass
and I become just another reef
forever tied to the pessimistic battlefield.

short skirt
tight shirt
tall heels
big hair
pouty lips
walking through the streets at night
destination: anywhere that's free
just to challenge
anyone who walks by
to see
if they want
if they want
if they want
if they want
to give me a release

Hollow inside;
someday, a secret bride.

fists clutched, arms wrapped tight,
a hug or a fight?

vocal chords distilled
unable to rebuild.

bones so cold
and heart so old,
happy thoughts covered in mold
to match the soul too much like wold

**** me slowly
**** me softly
**** me till dirt is all I need
bury me in the company of no one
bury me in the dead of night
bury me, for my greatest sin is greed

I'm layin awake in bed
I want you out of my head
I wish I got out of bed
I wish I got out of bed.

I'm thinking about everything I know
watching you sleep next to me
wishing that I had said no
so all this weight and worry and fear didn't have to be
so I could stop being scared of how I look
put on my glasses and finally see

I want you out of my head
I want to stop checking my phone
I wish I never got in your bed
if anything now I feel more alone

I'm sick of looking in the mirror
                                             terror
counting calories
jealous of all your memories
wishing I could be your masterpiece
framed on a white wall in your favorite gallery

mannequin pale
face just as blank
trying to be what you want
I don't want to lose you
knowing I need to lose you
fixated
paranoid
finicky
and unsure
now I'm laying awake in bed

I want you out of my head

I wish I got out of bed

I wish I got out of bed.

the loneliness converged
the pain was so great
I thought
dear god
how can I let this out
and there was a silent flash
of electric blue
I look out
and in the light of the single street lamp
the sky
was crying for me

I hate looking at you,
I'm always looking off-
down-
side-to-side-
always dodging your eyes-
they are so... Blue.
The bluest of blues,
a royal effervescent
clarical blue
and as my name implies
if I look
I'll want to go swimming in them.
Curse your golden-spun hair
fine skin
sly smile
shapely nose
and above all
curse those tempting blues.

I don't like you,
I swear I don't,
I hate your stupid face
and your funny hair
and ridiculous clothes.
I don't care how funny you are,
your stupid laugh is heinous.
I hate your swagger,
I hate the slight crack in your voice,
Truly Truly
I hate most everything about you.

You're not a good person,
in fact you're quite mean,
you treat people like objects
and your drug use is obscene.
Truly Truly
I hate most everything about you.

I hate it when you walk by
and look at her like that,
look at all of them like that.
Tall, beautiful, perfect,
your favorite kind of object.
It shouldn't effect me, but it does,
leaves me standing in front of the mirror crying
wishing I was pretty
wishing I was tall
wishing for a cute laugh
wishing to be perfect
               to be your kind of perfect

You've said it yourself,
you're broken inside,
you're the shell of a funny boy
with monsters swarming inside.
Maybe I'm crazy,
but I see something more,
I'm already taken,
but I fear that I do not love him like I should...
I fear I love you.

I don't like you,
I swear I don't,
you're not a good person,
in fact you're quite mean,
you treat people like objects
and your drug use is obscene.
Truly Truly
I love most everything about you.

They looked upon it with disdain
convinced that it was wrong.
again and again
they fell on hands and knees
upon sighting it,
and ripped it from the ground
and left it to rot in the garbage.

But I was always there
to pick it up
and re plant it.
again and again
on hands and knees
re planting it.

They try and they try
again and again
pulling the **** from the earth
desperate to throw it away.

But I was always there
again and again
to re-plant
what I could only see,
as a flower

"Quit while you're ahead"
words I should've listened to,
I didn't know they applied to me
I didn't know they were about
my love
my life
my constant.

I didn't crash and burn
I had a slow,
ungraceful decent-
clambering for stranger's likes and comments-
for their approval of what should be
my deepest, most personal thoughts
mattering only to me
but instead plagued with the single thought
"I hope this trends I hope this trends"

If I had quit long ago
they would have asked
"whatever happened to the girl
who wrote good poetry?"
but they won't ask now.
they won't notice.

I poured black oil
over my previous work
and in a shocked attempt to clean it up
I only smear it further.

"quit while you're ahead"
I've lost my chance,
now I can only leave in shame.
and I'm sorry for that.

I'm begging to scream it out loud,




but no one would care.

There's a space
next to me on the dance floor

I picture you in it

I raise my hands to the air
           praise you
run down my neck
           your hands pressing in
down my body
            squeeze me
my crotch
           feel me
to the floor
            exhaust me
throw them back to the air
a room filled with sweat
             *smells like you

The morning is far away
but it will be bitter sweet.
It's a week away
but the emptiness is overflowing.

Elite memories
I wish were vague
pound into my heart.

Six years.
Six.

For each of those years
this date was special,
it was eagerly awaited
and planned
and performed-
a date in which
I would spend all extra money
and countless hours
plotting,
awaiting the chance to please
and dazzle.

For six years this date was special.
Now... so quickly... it's nothing.

I know what she'll be doing
I know what she'll be eating
I know what kind of cake she'll get...
what she'll think about
talk about
laugh about
joke about
be confused about
everything...
I...
I know it all...


For six years April 16th
was the most important day of the year,
the day my best friend would age
just 19 days earlier than I.

For six years April 16th
was my devotion to her.

but now...
now it's nothing.

It's a week away but still
my body goes weak with the memories.

I look at her new best friend;
just a prettier me,
it's not like we fought
or we did anything wrong-
our world just stopped.
and split in two.

I know what she'll be doing on April 16th.
I'll be alone in my house,
facts of her penetrating my brain-
for I know all there ever is to know-
all the stories she's ever had to tell-
all her wants
hopes
dreams
fears-

Will she think of me?

For the first time in six years,
she will have a birthday
without me.
Six years without being separated..
six years.
It's like those years never existed.

I fear next week
like no other.
I'll sit in my room-
unable to even wish her a facebook happy birthday,
I can only sit and wish her happiness.
So here it goes,
to the only girl who knew everything about me,
and I her,
to the girl I'd give the world for,
to the girl who is but a ghost of my memories
and I of hers,

Happy Birthday, Tiffany Amber.

I'm not paying attention,
I glance around the room, distracted.
My eyes glaze over to him-
**** ****
he looks right at me
oh god- he probably thinks I was staring at him-
he's probably creeped out
oh god no
please don't hate me-
oh crap I looked at him again.
ugh.
great. now he thinks I'm creepy.

Skin pale as white roses
laid upon a sleeping corpse.

Eyes of the sky
and an unknown part of the universe,
forcing one to get lost in thought-
lost in their depth and memories.

Lips, oh snow white
a thousand expressions in every twitch

So frail,
the wind teases the thought of pulling you away
-which it could-
but it lets you stay so we can see your beauty.

In the mirror
what do you see
a goddess unlike me
or anyone, really.

Light steps through the halls
small tight frame striking and bold
a smile so sweet and so genuine
and raven hair that floats like silk.

You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.
Better than any magazine.
You haunt my dreams
and tantalize my days-
truly,
there is no one more beautiful than you.

I live on an island
all by myself.
I rest easy while I work in the shade of day
and battle imaginary monsters in the dark.

I put together sticks and wood
and use my hair to hold it together,
making a shield.
but it's only wooden
and as the imaginary monsters beat down-
the shield breaks-
but just in time for morning to come.

During the day I sit in the shade
and pull out my hair
and make a new wooden shield
readied to be broken that very night.

I've thought about perhaps using a rock as my shield,
but I'm all alone
and not strong enough to lift its weight.
so I continue to pull out my hair
and tie together wood
to help protect me
against the imaginary monsters
that plague my every night.

I take three showers a day
1 in the morning
to wash away the night terrors
1 after I get home
for me to cry
and shake
and let the boiling water scorch my body
to help distract from everything I'm scared of
which is a lot of things
and then when I'm calm
I'll work out all my regret
then take a shower to clean the extra off.
then I'll go to sleep
and wake sweaty and distressed
and repeat repeat repeat
and I can only be happy
because it used to be more showers
then it was 4
and now it is 3
and that means
I'm getting better.

You dream about your day in the sun
A shot at the spotlight
Fifteen minutes of fame
Oh
You fantasize about chance meetings
Lucky opportunities
Late night drinkin’ at parties
Oh
Honey
Well
You may be skinny
But you got no muscle
You may dream big
But you work small
With ease
Unaware fame is a disease
It’ll break you
‘cause you aint anybody
sick of people hearin’ your name askin’ who?
Too much makeup lookin’ gaudie
Looks is all you have
No ambition- talent to be had
You
Think about the result
The perks
Obssessed like the cult
Think you know how it works
Down on your knees
Flex that ***** it’s a tight squeeze
Longing to be seen
Desperate for the 15
10 + 5
and you’re in the hive
10+ 5
but it’s a straight dive
10 + 5
will make you feel alive
You think you’re one of a kind
You’ve made up your mind
you need that 10+5
but it won’t last a lifetime.