Light white noise in the distance,
a constant fuzz that echoes the beating of the drum.
An empty mind and glassy eyes,
taking in the world,
swirling, fast forwarding
until it passes me by
in the blink of an eye.
Heart beats slow
until everyone is still,
I look around to see
the world is motionless,
and yet faster than ever.
Blank pages filled with words,
empty picture frames
and silent movies.
The world around me,
I'm sure it's beautiful,
I'm sure it's glorious,
I'm sure it has meaning,
but with each breath I can't help
but take it all in,
and let it pass me by.

Eyes lingering on the steel blade.
Tracing the exact way to tie that knot,
noting where she puts her pills.
Floating in the water,
body tempted tempted to forget how to swim.
Maybe if I starve long enough...
Sometimes I think about death,
but then question
What's the point of killing the body
when the soul died so long ago?
What's the point,
when I'm already dead inside?

1 minute 15 Seconds
(I counted)
we stood there silent
I couldn't look at you
were you looking at me?
Why did we stay silent?
why did you stay?
the campus was emptying
but still we remained.
Were you trying to say something
as much as I was?
I had to restrain myself
from asking you out to coffee,
do you like coffee?
I don't.
But asking someone out for tea sounds weird.
Anxiety rumbles in my stomach
and my mind ricochets to the moon and back~
so many possibilities why you're there with me
any possible meaning behind your actions-
I'm so scared there isn't
I'm so scared there is
You stress me out, Blue,
what did you think
for that quiet time?
I thought of everything
and counted in my head
trying to find significance
in the amount of time we spend.
We were quiet
for 1 minute 15 seconds
and I couldn't see your face
legs shaking
locked in place
So many things to say
but in all my thinking
and guessing
and fretting
I couldn't(can't)
figure out
if saying those things
would be okay.

I've been eating all day
yet my body still tells me that I haven't had enough
and that I must eat long after my stomach is painfully full,
long after the taste is bitter,
long after I'm disgusted with myself
and I've forced it all out.

Keep eating
go on
do it
keep eating,
it's all my mind ever says
it's all it has ever said.

what's wrong with me?
why can't I stop it
and plug my ears
and not listen?
why am I so disgusting?

Maybe I'm hoping to eat myself to death,
but in the mean time,
I'm nasty and miserable.
I'm revolting
but I can't stop.
I can't stop.

It feels like I can never win,

each step drawing my breath thin,

spending my time sharing pointless memes

pretending I don't see horrors that haunt me in my dreams,

I try so hard

I play my rarest card

but my fists still beat in defeat-

It feels like I can never win.

I appreciate men with good looks
and good books
With slick black hair
who show they care
cheekbones that cut through my heart
Can't take my eyes off em' from the start.
They dress well at all times
humming as peaceful as chimes,
rough
and gruff
yet smooth like milky batter
mad as a hatter,
pale as the whites of my eye
so ***** I could die.
We don't have to speak
to know our connection is anything but weak,
Maybe he plays chess
Doesn't mind I cook less
invigorates me
to be the best that I can be
for when he holds my hand
space and time snap like a band
and           we             know            we           are            free.

I miss
your hands
                     praising
your eyes
                   worshipping
I miss
   being better than human-

I miss the Goddess you introduced me to
and I am left in want
    of desire,
        adoration,
and absolute
        glorification

Cafe girl
     writing in your notebook
about needles and knives
pausing the white knuckle
to post an instapic
of that chai latte
with cinnamon sprinkled on top
  too perfect
    for the heartbroken caption
you thought of a week ago
             do you
             do you
             do you wish
you had someone sitting next to you
        reading over your shoulder
head in the crook of your neck
smelling like vanilla
   cafe girl
            I bet you have lots of dreams
so why don't you write those down instead

Tick Tock goes the clock,
to play my final ballad.

Tick Tock goes the clock,
a simple rhythm,
to seal my tomb.

Tick Tock goes the clock,
long after my heart has stopped.

I don't want to go home
don't make me go home
I'm trying my best
but failing
I can't stop crying
I'm so scared
please don't make me go home
I don't want to go home


but I have nowhere else to go.

They tell me it's simple,
really not that hard to do,
Even if you don't believe it,
try to,
say and pretend you do and it'll help.

so I try.
I try my best.
but the words sting my tongue,
they make my heart sink
and a pit bubble in my stomach.
Sometimes they make me cry,
because I try so hard
to believe the words I'm saying
I'm trying so hard to make them true
but I can't,
because I know those words are lies.

"Look in the mirror
and tell yourself you're beautiful,
that you're worth something."
But I can't.
Because it's too big of a lie.

I have wasted my life
worrying
and cowering
and sleeping
and crying
feeling so scared and alone
acting so ******* fragile
but now
I have a real reason to be afraid
a fear that looms
and cackles
and quakes me with fear--


I have no doubt
that I have wasted my years,
I've had ample time to grow
but remain stunted
a child still shivering in her own bruises and blood
wondering why her family doesn't love her
why no one loves her
I haven't moved on
I haven't changed
I've never lived
more than once--
the best years of my life
the best people
are behind me
ahead is work and bills and disappointment
I ****** up
I ****** up bad
I haven't made a dent in this world
no not even a scratch
I've done nothing
been nobody
and It makes me so scared
and so sad
that I'm not sure what to do
how do I move on
how do I progress
how do I start living my life
                                         a life
                                    any life
I'm desperate to know
how to fix my wrongs
I'm desperate to believe
there's a way I can come back
from this mistake.

My father hit me.
Hands strangling my neck.
I was just a kid,
he said it was my fault,
I believe that it was.
He said I didn't deserve to live,
I believe that too.
I believe his screams
and the bruises he laced my body with
I believe his words
that I'm nothing
that I'm garbage.
I blame that monster
for breaking something inside me
that 7 years later is still not repaired.

I blame her for never calling the cops.
For calling me a liar
for telling me I gave the bruises to myself.
for making me feel guilty.
I blame her for telling me she wished I was one of her miscarriages
I blame her for telling me I'm good for nothing
for telling me I'm fat
for telling me,
like him,
I deserve to die.

I blame them
for the anxieties
and anger
and fears
and panic
and the scars on my heart.

I'm scared of the world.
I'm scared of it's people.
I need help.
I'm dying.
slowly.
quickly.
steadily.
and not at all.

I feel everything,
every word
every breath
is a dagger to what once was a heart
when every day
you're told you're wrong
you're told you're a mistake-
an inconvenience-
that could never be loved
it takes an effect
you cannot fight
and just when I think
maybe I can get better
a single word
sends me spiraling
dying
crying
suffocating
and scared
wishing someone would touch me
in a kind, gentle way
would hug me till I fall asleep
and love me
even though I cry a lot.

I was told
the blame was on me
that I ruin
and poison
everything I touch,
but I blame them,
so much so
I can't get better,
so maybe we're both to blame.

My eyes alit with fire as I spoke
sensing it come up my throat
and dance to the tip of my tongue,
it quivered and wavered
seconds from bursting
but when I opened my mouth it lay

                still

Knowing it was not yet time,

and so it remains,

on the tip of my tongue.

just a girl
confused about boys
trying to find her place
laying on the floor
watching Skins
dying to be skinny
but can't stop binging
crying over silly things
heartbroken over matters
that in years won't matter
lonely
angry
misunderstood
broken inside
writing poems
because I'm so deep
and unique
no idea
how to be social
without the media
staying away from drugs and drink
because that's the only way to cope
with past tragedies
that have soiled my good dress
so I only wear pants
in case I need to go on an adventure
so my life can be more like those teenage movies
with dancing
montages
love triangles
and happy endings
thinking I'm extraordinary
pretending I don't notice
how conformed and ordinary I am
unsatisfied
reactive
and inactive
I'm just a teenager
no different from the others
I'm just a teenager
and soon I will grow up.

He hates writing poetry,
as boys like him often do,
he hates books,
and science fiction
and generally most everything I like.
He clings like a mollusk,
is none too smart,
and often I'm bored with his very existence,
but lord he is sweet
as he spends an hour
writing a fantastically ****** poem
to repair what I keep breaking.

Poem in hand,
he lays his heart at my feet,
and in one swift motion
I stomp on it.

A song comes on the radio
and it's quite catchy and fun
and I'd like to hear the lyrics
so I can find it later-
but I can't hear
because nobody else cares.

They chatter-scream-and laugh excessively loud
because they've all heard this song before,
know it by heart
finish to start,

and that's how it is.
They all listen to the same music
watch the same shows and movies
know all the jokes
all the comedians
and stories
they already know.
I try to catch up
and watch what they watch
step where they step
and sing their songs
but there's too much catching up to do
and not enough time
they're too far ahead of me.

So I give up.
Lengthening the gap
between me and the rest of my peers
only isolating myself further
incapacitating my ability to connect.

I'll watch my quiet foreign movies and syfy shows
and learn my own jokes
and continue to listen
to my odd quiet music.
They know their world,
and I know mine.
and no matter how hard I try
to visit theirs,
I'll never be able to stay.

The rain beat down hard and fast.
She hardly felt it as she ran from the past.
Would he follow her?
Just to experience again that strange allure?
She stopped and looked back.
Where she was she had lost track.
There was no one.
No footsteps.
No quiet breath to be detected.
Her mind had been infected.
She thought he would follow.
His desertion was too much to swallow.
She felt the rain.
Wishing she could see him again.
The cold consumed her.
Shivers took over.
The rain blended with the tears that flowed. ----1-10=20
Falling to her knees
Begging simply “please,”

It's time for the rehearsal
a hearse rolls
up the gravel driveway
the highway
is closed for business
bunnies
in black suits
hopping along with white flutes
playing along with the tune
coughing in the fumes
the tiny angel is shouting
it's a parade
it's a parade
scratching at boils sprouting
pretending
pretending
the earth isn't covered in something blacker than shade.

Nobody has time to define
their own beginnings
middles and ends
non linear format
muttering disguise through minimalism and simplicity
in it's rawest of transformations
and I can't bare to sit still long enough
to appreciate it.
The world is going too fast
we can't sit still
shaking our legs at our desk
instant updates
sweet sugar
instant pleasure
instant
asap
at a whim
we're moving so fast
we can't slow down
not enough to appreciate
a tune that can lift you
and carry you
into a mindful experience.
I'd like to lay here
and listen to the bloodflows of sohn
but I was raised in this very fast world
and I don't know how to slow down
to close my eyes
and listen
without checking my texts and notifications
I can't slow down
I can't be still
I can't breath.

Let me be alone
alone
alone
leave me by myself
myself
myself
I don't need anybody
anybody
anybody
Though I won't tell a soul
a soul
a soul
That someday I wanna be a
married woman
married woman
married woman.

Swank to the floor
My ears are covered
So I hear nothing except you
Dancing in front of the mirror,
In the dark,
So I can picture myself any way I want
Any way I need to…
I close my eyes and move
No longer fearing the dark
I hold my knife close to my heart
Protecting myself from the horrors of the world.
Monsters try to bring me back to reality,
Turn on the light
And open my eyes
Forcing me to see what really stares back from the mirror
Knife protect me,
Bring me to safety.
Back to this gothic but garish look I adore
Wrap me in your melody
Carry me until My feet are far from the ground
Until my voice is in sync with yours
Continuously until nothing else matters
Until the tears are gone
And I do not clutch my chest in pain.
My Knife My Knife,
Protecting me always,
Leading me to good places,
My knife,
Delivering me from a world of strife.

If you’re a useless ******* and you know it clap your hands
- clap clap -
If you’re pathetic waste of space and you know it clap your hands
- clap clap -
If nobody cares about you and there’s nothing you can do
If you wanna cut out your heart and throw it clap your hands
- clap clap -

I need to ask you a favor, Blue.
I want to give you my heart,
will you take it?
I'm not asking you to keep it- no...
I want you to take it far away
bury it
smash it
slice it
I want my heart to be your stress ball
coffee coaster
your punching bag
something you wipe your muddy shoes on-
I want you to accept my heart
unleash your darkest fantasies
and do with it as you please.

He plays the guitar
        with a soft raspy voice
             we spent last night *******
                                   this morning too
                                he didn't mind
                        take after take
      of my audition video
seventeen strong
but he demanded ten more
             shopping
      and laughing
      and kisses
                        losing count
                              of how many times
                                          he tells me I'm beautiful
resting my head on his
as he watches all twenty seven auditions
again and again
to make sure I am successful
and choose only the best
        I fall asleep in kingsize white sheets
        peaceful
and smiling
                    knowing that I am safe and happy.

he,
has been on my mind lately.
Just a google search away,
there's his face,
wait,
that was 2012?
I was 15,
could have sworn I was a child,
absorbing the crime
with less acknowledgment
than an ant on my arm.
How could I have been 15?
I was so small,
it was so familiar,
and now it seems not so far away.
I suppose I like to think,
the trauma stopped when I grew up,
that all those bad things happened
when I was very small,
but they didn't stop.
They still haven't.
And at the end of the day,
I'm still a little girl,  
clutching my stuffed animals,
trying to make sense
of the world around me.

I'm 18 today
but I feel 80
more like an old crickity relic
long forgotten,
never treasured,
wandering around
trying to figure out where I fit
where I might belong
hoping someone will dig through my crusted dirt
and polish me off
knowing that I am gold underneath,
but I fear I will have rotted away
before that ever becomes a possibility.

This doesn't feel like just a phase,
My whole body's in a daze
i've been running circles in this maze.
on the inside looking out
Run-Jump-Scream-Shout
You cannot keep me in this cage
Not when I'm filled with all this rage
Watch me break all the rules
Set all good morals ablaze
I've got red lightening on my face-
To get me out of this place.
Judge me on the street,
Size me up like a piece of meat
Come closer-feel my heat
You wish you had what I have.

My Story's never ending,
I'll live to be a legend,
You'll wish you got to know me,
You'd beg to be this free.
i don't care if you agree
I'm not here to please,
i'm here to correct the lie,
and write a story that will never die.

not a moment of peace
serenity
constant noise
and fighting
and ignorant immaturity
this tank is too small
I am not a fish
I am a shark
a beta
don't keep me in this bowl
where I can never be by myself
I want to scream and cry
I'm going to lose it
I'm going ******* crazy
get me out of here

Hello, weeping angel.
How are you, fallen star?
Where have you been, thorny rose?
Deflowered
and snapped,
left to turn crisp
and brown
in winter's quiet wake.

How do you feel,
with clouds hugging at your shine,
Cobwebs masking your beauty,
how does it feel
to be destroyed and
shattered by them?
Left in shambles, broken...


Tell me, flower,
how does it feel to die?

I gave you my past

my body

my all

I told you my heart

I pronounced adoration

I  left  you


and you did not reach out.

I'm not a poet.
I'm a lost suicidal worthless teen
desperately grasping at light words
trying to make sense of this world
desperate to find meaning
begging for a connection
drowning in my silly hopes
that the words I write have an impact
and mean something
and can somehow help me.

I'm not a poet.
I'm just a lame useless twisted pathetic scared drowning kid grasping at any old thing that floats.

Bite These Wires
Let you carry me away
Help me escape
Fill my silence
With words of pain and turmoil.
Each note overflowing with guilt
Every word trying to forget your mistakes
But the tune is beautiful
And calms the soul.
You say you are insane
I say no to your lovely name
A hard time for you
Is my cure for all,
You rose when I fell
But fell when I built myself back up
You ask who will love you
Only to receive my undying love
Never-ending respect
And adoration to last an eternity .
You speak of strings and battles,
We listen
with our glasses filled to the brim with Champagne,
eagerly waiting for the light to arrive.
Twilight comes and you ask us again who will love you
And though’ we respond it seems you do not hear us.
Ask us again and again as if you do not believe it.
A lad insane,
A lad to be loved.

You beat me
you break me
you consume me
but what can I do?

I love it.
The pain,
the harsh grip,
the prominent shouting
and ice cold eyes
to match your icy heart.

It's not that I love it,
it's that I know it.
This kind of treatment
is all I've ever known.

Kind words,
a light touch,
and trusting eyes

I could not do that.

It's the monster inside you I fall for,
it's the sadistic ******* that chills my spine
it's the voice that says
I am yours to kick
and yours alone.

Monster who cracks the whip
and sharpens the knife,
Who leaves me black and blue,
I've never loved anything before,
so I might as well love you.

slowly
the notifications ease to none
Inbox (1)
midnight advances
lovers drift from romances
I still stand-
though the web I spun spanned
-alone,
watching drifters drift home
no one left to speak
isolated feels the freak
I'm still awake
my leg begins to shake
I wait
I know it's late
but I still post
ask the server host
is anybody out there
breathing internet air
who else sees night and is alive
Friends Online (5)
I become the owl
responding to the wolf howl
our communication afoul
"Hoo?"

white sheets on thigh
can't move too high
blinds closed-shut out the sun
can't tell me our night is done
white sheets on thigh
can't move too high
drunk eyes can't tear-away from your face
   this     is    the     good     place

the charming figment of a man stood against the wall with hands in pocket

"feel drained, my love?"

"Lost in the fog, I'm afraid"

her eyes grew and drooped to cartoonish proportions

grammar and spelling amiss

she sighed and hunched

typing typing typing

the ever secretly questioning robot

going about it's robot business

"Want to run away, my love?"

"very much so... away from my mind... very much so"

I had this dream last night,
about a man
who spent years
wandering the yellow halls
of a moldy hotel.
Always at the end of the dream
he spends his time
hiding in the stairwell.
Up and down
down and up
he goes
hiding with every step--
            what is he hiding from?
        The people looking for him… I think.
He doesn’t leave the hotel,
he just keeps wandering
and hiding
all with great urgency.

The last time I had this dream
I nearly slit my throat.

The most romantic thing I've ever heard,
I soon realized is the only romantic thing I'd ever want to hear.
He told me he'd get me pills-
not the kind to get you going-
not the ones for fun,
no,
the ones that would save my soul.
That would stop the pain and sorrow,
the tears,
the anger,
the weight,
the terrors,
and that's when I realized,
the only being I could ever love,
is one that could save my soul.

pockmarked
and bloated
gurgling
and slurping
droopy
and moody
frazzled and frayed
to the public's dismay
ugly and nasty
snarling
and gnarling
red and blotched
human botched
creature unspeakable
lump unthinkable
grotesque
and robesque
inflexible
unmentionable
ugly little thing
never gets a ring
pay no attention
never even mention
ignore
this bore
and put aside
a thing too wide.

He likes to light up
light me aflame
puts me to shame
for all that I am..
I am a forest filled with weeds
and droopy trees
but he spends hours
picking through
looking for flowers
at the sight of none
I know I'm done
filled with anger
he lights up
lights me aflame
burns my weeds to ashes
roots to coal
and trees to stone
smoke signal of despair
suffocating smell of loss
a graveyard I hoped someone would love
but why love the ****
when you can have the flower?
why care for something in need
when you can double your power?
he likes ****
but of a different breed
lighting up with flowers
who personalities are sour
me behind
scorched and scared
just a ****
wishing
I was his kind of ****.