They said
    "there's no one else here, so we'll use you"
but even after
  hair and makeup,
they snapped 3 pics
        and refused "no more"
for even when there are no other options,
  I am still not good enough.

These harsh wounds on my face
were once mistaken
for "smile lines",
I could not muster to say
these lines were truly
from the thousand hours
I have spent,
in agonizing sobs.

my eyes are raw
and sting
from the constant blotting
of deep
and soulful
resurrections of emotions,

perhaps I would feel better
If I stopped trying to hide them.

My eyes alit with fire as I spoke
sensing it come up my throat
and dance to the tip of my tongue,
it quivered and wavered
seconds from bursting
but when I opened my mouth it lay

                still

Knowing it was not yet time,

and so it remains,

on the tip of my tongue.

Where did the artist go?
Not even she knows.
Is it depression that suppresses
those lifelong idealics
of stage and acrylics?

Has she broken from her cocoon
                                                       -too soon
still blind
to what she has become?

The artist wanders but does not wonder
The artist works but does not create
She nods her head but does not sway
She feels but does not write
She remembers the things she's supposed to want to do
but does nothing
                nothing
                nothing

the artist has gone,
she knows not where,
perhaps she refuses, this question, to ponder
for fear of learning
the artist has gone,
and shall not return.

white sheets on thigh
can't move too high
blinds closed-shut out the sun
can't tell me our night is done
white sheets on thigh
can't move too high
drunk eyes can't tear-away from your face
   this     is    the     good     place

I can't breath
too close to me
beauty it hurts
it hurls the oxygen
I can't breath
too close to me
everything I'll never be
ice cold babe
devour the weak
you are made of stars
I am made of dust
irrelevancy
suffocating
lock the door
in the morning I'll freeze
CryoBabes don't talk
to Povys like me

I wrote no poems,
then I wrote them all at once,
falling into the satisfaction
diving into the acceptance
that he is all I could ever want
all I could ever need
all I had never dared ask for,
My heart was quiet,
then it shouted and sang all at once
it asked to be with him
it asked to deserve him
it promised to treasure him,
and all at once
quickly
deeply
I was encased
in unwavering loyalty and adoration
and I would not
deny it.

Baby I want to live forever,
I know you do too,
Pipe dreams we can't let go of
Doesn't mean you can't give me your love

I'll do my best as long as I can
layers of my skin in the trash can
pieces of my nose
where only rats go
if this is how I keep you
I will slice right through where the doctor drew
forget about my birthday
I'll be 19 forever
Starvation is the only way
to give you immortality-however
none of it is real
and you know that deep inside
so after all I have denied
distorted and betide
lost every inch of my pride
you will cast me aside
and everything I deride
will have died
knowing
if I stay alive
again again again
I'll continue to try
and with every attempt
I'll lose all content
take one more knife
and decide
it'd be best
if I died.

Mortality is poisonous,
it corrupts the beauty of now.
Mortality wanes the future,
makes eyes lower to the ground,
not wanting to look at what the future holds.
Mortality is infectious
always looming
Mortality kills before it should
it slaughters decades too soon
Mortality is the enemy
the nemesis
the seed of greed
of lust
of materialism
of egotism
of broken hearts
of viscous words
of broken mirrors
and wealthy doctors
Mortality,
another word to mark a piece of time
in which there will be no more,
inadvertently became a beast
a nightmare
a phobia
that shreds my society
to bone.

I haven't seen you in so long,
how have you been?-
I don't care that you played me wrong,

to see that smile
it brings me down,
My heart I can feel it
it says "paint me now"

It remembers when you made me feel like goddess
like together we could have killed all this
It remembers every thousand poems I wrote
and how every time I waited it was always false hope
who are you now that you show your face online?
I remember when you hid like you done a crime
always a man of secrets
a man I'd never know
how dare you -don't you know
it was curiosity that made the kitty go
dyin dyin dyin dying
that made the kitty go
dyin dyin dyin dying
just to try to know
just to try to know
who you really were
and if you'd ever explain yourself
I only wanted it to be ourself
then I said goodbye
then I said goodbye
and it's been so long
since I'd seen your face
now that I see your smile
it makes me feel so out of place.

Devil is a classic man
seducing in all wants
rhythmic shoulders
in a trance
Devil is a classic man
a stand up man
take home to mama man
Devil aint so bad
God said sit down
Devil took my hand
said dance
and oh baby, did I move my feet!

boy moves my feet
to some good musik
funky soul vibes
marble eyes
lady sighs
avener chill
this boy moves my soul
bless my broken heart
giving us a chance to start
swimmin in seas
reflectin galaxies
boy makes my nose scrunch
lady swoons
for the space boy grunge

mechanical girl,
of blood and bone,
killed a pig with knife and stone,
she took it's leather to make it her own,
and sewed it on when she got home,
with a curly wig to impress,
and a twirling sundress,
she fooled them all,
but when they looked closer-everyone saw,
it was simply a tale, much too tall.

You say
"what's the point?"
but I sharpen my point
lead dust falling from my desk
all I can think is that
words
are just one letter away    from      swords
yet they fight very different battles
and make the point just the same
words
are just one letter away    from     swords
yet one outgrew the other in the time
and can't even come close to rhyme
words
are just one letter away    from      swords
sometimes it feels they can hurt just the same
and you think about the sword when words drive you insane
ones the weapon of the lover
the other of the fighter
both are history
both are novelties
severity of each can be overwhelming
each is feeling shelling
inventions equal only not in form
you wouldn't think
they'd be the same
but words
are just one letter away    from      swords

I shall give you my soul

you shall give me reprieve

slowly
the notifications ease to none
Inbox (1)
midnight advances
lovers drift from romances
I still stand-
though the web I spun spanned
-alone,
watching drifters drift home
no one left to speak
isolated feels the freak
I'm still awake
my leg begins to shake
I wait
I know it's late
but I still post
ask the server host
is anybody out there
breathing internet air
who else sees night and is alive
Friends Online (5)
I become the owl
responding to the wolf howl
our communication afoul
"Hoo?"

what will I be worth
when I am no longer
19
my young naive appeal
to the forty-year-old's
with cash in hand
they'll go somewhere else
who will want me
When I am no longer
19
20
21
I'll be too old
for these lackluster fillers of my time
I think
it seems
death may come sooner
than originally thought

in my final moments,
will I be kind,
wrathful,
vengeful,
forgiving,
spiteful,
in my final moments,
will my last declaration be worth it all?

There is no love for me here
no need of the space I take
I think
tonight
I'll turn Bowie loud
and strangle myself with these head phones.

Existence has never been so theoretical.
my motions never more blurred,
my notions never more unmotivated,
touching so underwhelming,
seeing so-last-year,
solidity so unnecessary,
I'm liquid
I'm air
covered in dust from toe to hair,
nothing has ever been so nothing,
space never so empty,
these in and out breaths so trivial,
revolving door,
Existence has never seemed so theoretical.

Will you hold me
and sing to me
run your fingers
over my shoulders
and through my hair
will you snuggle into me
breathing softly
telling me about your dreams
will you hold me
while I drift
deeper and deeper
into eternity?

I've been sitting all day
eyes trained on electric screens
I've been dry-eyed all week
the world melts away
I'm in a daze
tapping tapping
the keys
as constant as breathing
but at 4:09am
I pull my eyes away,
they hurt so bad,
though these electric screens
wouldn't seem so bad,
had they not the memory,
of once looking upon you.

coffee

nicotine

routine

coffee

nicotine

routine

coffee

nicotine

routine

the first time I felt human,
was in your arms,
don't let it be the last
I'm reaching
I'm reaching
my arms are weak
they're shaking
they're shaking
don't let it be the last

air smells like vanilla bean
this candle will burn all night
and I'm exactly as distant as I seem
you don't have to raise your voice
I made my choice I made my choice
I hear you loud and clear
every day since I was baby dear
everybody told me
no-body would want me
so hey hey shut your mouth
let me be
I'm stayin pretty in my head
spend the last of my life in my bed
hey hey leave be me
nobody's gonna come lookin' for me
dreamin' forever in white heaven sheets
dream me likes to gamble
play for keeps
sell all my possessions
so I can keep my obsessions
don't you raise your voice
I made my choice I made my choice
just let me sleep
let me dream
give it time
give it time
I'm sure I'll rest in peace

I promise
I’ll never forget
the way we moved
when we first danced
you in warpaint
me in white rags
the sweat
the beat
the chemistry
I swear I’ll never forget
being set on fire

My tongue
my fingers
I paint the grass green
but I'm suffocating in the fumes

I don't want to break
but what's the point
any one
of these old fat rich men
I'd never have to worry about money again
I'd never have to feel the preassure of the outside world
people say I'm brave
maybe I'm tired of that

I'm so sorry
I'm so sorry
I'm so sorry
I'm so sorryI'm so sorry
I'm so sorry
I'm so sorryI'm so sorryI'm so sorryI'm so sorryI'm so sorryI'm so sorryI'm so sorry

I'm so sorryI'm so sorryvv

I'm so sorry
I'm so sorry
I'm so sorryI'm so sorryI'm so sorryv
I'm so sorryI'm so sorry
v
I'm so sorry

my own mind

is a merciless masterpiece

still holding

the dripping dagger

I do everything I can
all in my ability
I'm trying so hard
above and beyond
it's not good enough
I am still not worthy
I am still just ****
sitting half on the littered street
half on the drain

I don't understand

Please
I know I was mean
I know I was rude
Please
just remember
I'm only 19
I'm only nineteen
I've never had a home
I've always been on my own
I'm only nineteen
acting 30
pressure
so much ******* pressure
can you hear it through the sobs
the neighbors knocking at my door can
please
remember I'm still just a kid
I'm still so little
I'm still living in that day
when my own father tried to take my life away
please forgive me
I'm trying so hard
but it's all so ******* much
and I'm so overwhelmed
and i'm so ******* tired
and the worst part
is that I'm doing my best
I'm doing everything i can
why doesn't anyone care
why doesn't anyone cut me slack
I'm nineteen
I'm still just a kid
It's still 2002
I wan to watch cartoons
please i can't breath
I'm sorry I told you to go
come back
come back
leave
come back
I don't know what to do
I don't know what to do


I am so tired

It feels like I can never win,

each step drawing my breath thin,

spending my time sharing pointless memes

pretending I don't see horrors that haunt me in my dreams,

I try so hard

I play my rarest card

but my fists still beat in defeat-

It feels like I can never win.

Who are you,
that likes my poems?
Who adds them to your collections
                                           shares
                                           likes
                                           comments
who are you,
to react to my emotion?

Would you, too,
like the way that I laugh?
Would you collect memories with me
                     share your hopes and dreams
                     like my smile
                     comment on the way I dress
would you, too,
react to my stories of what prompted these words?

Who are you, that reads my poetry?
and if we met,
should you think of me, too, as poetry?

I come home

and there is no one to hold me

Remember
when I told you
you were a handsome man
whose personality
was a grand slam
how beautiful I felt in your gaze
how god-like you were in mine
how possible all my wants seemed
how dastardly my feelings became
isn't it quite phenomenal, how you caught me so
hook and line
Fish out of water
how miraculously
you let me think I was more than just a thing in your eyes

I gave you my past

my body

my all

I told you my heart

I pronounced adoration

I  left  you


and you did not reach out.