I'm doing well I say as I enter
The church, giving what I can only imagine
Looks like the least sincere
Smile the greeter has ever
Bore witness to.
He doesn't pay notice as he happily bounces
To the person entering in behind me.
And I take my seat and they start to sing
And by the end of the song I'm
Holding back tears,
Not as one moved but as one realizing
He's not sure anymore, about any of this.
And I look out and see everyone having
Their own experiences and I know,
Not a single one of those is identical to mine.
But if you looked at us you'd see no difference
My distress and their worship,
One and the same, on the outside.
If you can't see a difference,
Then I'll fit right in.

I can't help but notice I've all but tricked myself.
Letting the little things pass by and almost missing them.
I almost had myself fooled.
I'm not happy, and I can never be happy.
I'm a failure. I set my goals and a couldn't meet them.
I'm not man enough.
**** everything, maybe this is the only option.
Maybe there's only one way out.
I can't seem to bring myself to care when I have to think about someone else.
All my interactions are fake.
I'm a **** online but that's the real me.
Hiding behind my computer.
Am I afraid? No, that can't be it.
That's too simple of a solution.
I'm just nothing. I've gave it all I had and it wasn't enough.
I'm a shell of who I once was. I used to look at people like me with disgust.
Now I look at who I was with envy.
Ignorance is bliss, and I was the dumbest of all for thinking I was smart then.
Even if he knew, it wouldn't have changed anything.
**** me.
I could be dead right now. That's the life, I bet.
I could be living on the street with no worries except my basic needs.
Would be simpler.
I could be graduating college right now on the Dean's list, and getting a well paying job, getting financial security, providing for my family.
I killed that dream a long time ago.
The real world *****.
I truly want no part in it.
I don't understand how people do it.
These cookie cutter lives.
I can't bring myself to. And believe me I'm trying.
I know I'm not the only one. I've met someone else like me.
Why isn't this thing more well known.
Why does everyone pretend everything's okay all the time?
I went to church last week.
I wouldn't answer if they asked how I was. They'd say good, or something along those lines.
Every one of them.
They don't care about you. I don't care about them. Can we just be honest about it?

I don't get it. How everyone can just
get together and
have a good time. I doubt they really
are. So many social queues to
pick up on. So many people faking
it. I try not to. I try to be open. To be as
transparent as possible. In the end, I'm
the biggest faker of them all. Why am I
here if I just want to be left alone?

I've gained weight.
All I do is ******* my wife and
Look at **** when she's at work or sleeping.
I don't have a job. I don't have a purpose.
I lay around all day I don't
Even pick up after myself.
You probably think I'm paralyzed or ill.
No just an ******* who quit without telling her
For three months.
I look at her friends with evil intent.
Even the young ones
Like my **** gives a **** if she's eighteen.
I'd never do it though;
Just harmless thoughts
Running through my head
On repeat.

Not that you can really say
"You're a bad person"
Since it doesn't matter anyway.
We'll all be dead eventually,
Forever at that.
What's it matter how any of us got there?

****.
This isn't how it all went down in my head
I thought everything would be better
If we just got away from it all
But I guess we never noticed
Our life back home was never the problem
I was

I can't help but scream sometimes
I can't help but curl up in a ball paralyzed
By thousands of thoughts whirling around my head
Stuck there for an eternity staring blankly at the wall
You come home from the graveyard and I pretend I was sleeping
You're working and I'm ****, leeching off you
I am helpless
I am hopeless
I'm not though, if I could just focus for a minute
I could turn our life around
But our life together's not the problem
It's me

I'm doing better these days

How could I be after all I've done?
And with everything I've put you all through
Things are looking up for me now
Everything's looking up

Most nights I don't sleep
You probably get that
Somehow we still act like its the same
Exactly the same
Life has yet to show me mercy
Feeling better though, promise

I'm no good
not for her, not for her
not for anyone
I've ruined my life
Our life
Sometimes I feel remorse
Right now I feel remorse
Right now I feel like ****
But what is "good" anyway?
What gives us the right to label anything so?
Well whether we have innate morality or not
I'm no good