I believe happiness
Settles some where
At the bottom of a
bottle of gold

I scramble to the cabinet Ashamed
this sobriety is being Put in a
clear cup and drowned With
poison that turns your
Liver holy like the
church women That
dress in white kidneys destroyed

If I could pour it down
Only if it was rain
I wouldn't mind letting
Every drop hit the ground
try extra hard to step
Over every puddle instead
Of collecting drops on my
Sponge tongue tonight

I swallow bitterness dreams
To big to fit down my throat
This time so I spit up

Explosions send waves through
Out a bottle attached body
Laying on the side that's not
So bruised with signs I've
Been laying here next
To the white anchor
Holding tight Struggling
To lift  myself to face
The bowl ill wake up to

The focus never in my Eyes
One roll back will be it
As I Try wretching for my
Soul Come out and show
What swimming in
***** and liquor
Does to the innocent
Mouthed

I stand in Memphis* thinking of what IFs in a cage so
I could maybe grab wildly at one that couldve been
true like IF we shared shared the same name No
I'm not the one trying to persuade you in a lifestyle
thought we both practiced I've been waiting
at this bus stop with two tickets forever maybe its
a definite possibility if you'd accept
Just step up those steps holding
bags instead sorry faces that just dismiss just make it all
I need to hear shoes holding the bus driver's gaze
run run run His key turns
Don't leave me here standing next
to the drink machine like on the day I meet you short for change
you were So I stand in Memphis waiting for you to get on the
bus thinking of a life we coulda had
the first time
we stopped being secret lovers in closets our parents never
thought to peak in only IF you left their doubts
with the stuff you didn't pack Im losing this argument
on the phone why we did all this? don't tell me Apologizes  
this was a wasted last check at the local Mart Their
doubts filling your destiny as you utter words I knew
you were capable of saying
to tell me you're never going 
 I accepted it all in Cali  that you
had already straightened out in Memphis
so I left for Cali after Georgia so you couldn't ever find me
when **regret set in

I look down at the floor thinking harder of you I loved you for one night.
You left me with something to carry as if its just a child living
growing stronger then me Doctor in a white coat condemns me to
death as I remember the needle that broke my skin should've worn
a ****** like a tampered medicine bottle I feel contaminated
thought it was just a cold that sent shivers
my body rocks as her shadow grows near talking about its okay
.Its Not.  trying to figure out how long did
five mins of pleasure leave me to live as I remember sitting
in a waiting room scared to touch  handles people with stories on their faces  
I didn't see myself walking out of here with a positive test
I ball my future life span up  No need to
study my body as you think twice cause you have no clue
that my body This body was blessed until I crashed it
down in a chair as I read my results a week ago so  
imagine latex cause it'll be just the thing to prevent
you from the effects of the ******* pain that this disease sends through your
body as it will take its toll on mine cause I'm denying I'm dying so the only
medicine i'll give myself will be a vitamin cause denial can make you strong again

My tears are like small feet
Running down my face in speed
I always cry quietly this us a tradition
I hush myself and my little feet. Run quietly
I always mumble Never do I want to be heard
This is tradition that I hide away some where
Closed so that if my lips part the murmurs are not
Heard from outside ears that only understand laughter
So I keep my small steps in napkins and ball them up from
Site Because the running of tears is a secret tradition that only I can be present in.

I broke a brain washing law
This is trachory to the men in black ties
Some how moans were heard So they're
Coming to take away my soul
I guess God heard my secrets and told
the pulpit walkers of our sweat stained sheets
Sin was committed But no knees hit the floor
We forgot how the angels watch
I loved her without clothes No I was not afraid
Not of holly water not of the book that the men walk
With but I was mumbling old songs as I searched her
body for a place to rest my body
Well we heard the men with their crosses were marching
With the unforgiving saints Who turn sinners into
Dust because hell is much to full
At this moment I stand prepared to die next to
her Cold body to many pills
I was ready but not her for the judgement
See we had broken Leviticus
Turned the angels to stone as I kissed Her
So I will not be saved from the stones broken
of their wings
Thing is even as I hear their praying near
In my heart I love her more than the words of Leviticus
Such a lawless act all based on love we committed

Look at me I'm no genius but I do believe I want your
Love
Not your bruises  those leave to much hurt but your
Love
Soft Icecream words not the ones you whisper as
You find access in my jeans I want
Your love that same emotion that causes me
To sneak out for you Friday to Sunday True devotion not a religion sorta like how you play your video games
No I want LOVE
not  that kind you enforce is how its suppose
To be by pointing at my mom and your dad saying
"This is love baby"
I want your love
Not  the bottle loves me love that my mom holds at night that I wipe off her chin neither that black and blue is beauty love that your dad shows to your mom I want your love plus attention the kind that's like when the whole football team has seen the picture  I sent you promised me never to show, Another girl the love I crave but something else made her name the kid junior
Right?
I want your love so give it to me cause I know I haven't been receiving the definition of love to not be a genius

I'm sure you never guessed He was with me.
At first No you never guessed that smell you smelt was me you're not at fault Neither is He loved you that's why He never left you instead he found me easy prey happy to be the one at fault the
one who should have kept her hands to herself and asked more questions instead of accept a kiss from a stranger whos eyes never meet mine truly
   I never cared after all I didnt realize didnt wanna pay attention to the ever so reality
    instead I pretended you didn't exist and him calling me at 11:30 every night was norm
  I was Wrong you believed even though he wrote his name on my napkin and took off the ring  
  So he could put it all away I was a threat to the fact that indeed maybe the love he felt for you is mechanically programmed into him So in fact its not your fault or his directly that you lost control and killed me in a brief moment I'm just a dead girl who keeps the two of you together now right
  with out this secret buried in the brush separation would've crept  and my mother would know what happened to her child He must love you
He didn't even  look me in the eyes instead He closed mine
Like some how I wouldn't hear the shovel scraping

*DeadGirl

Hi, I'm suicidal
I don't have* anyone to talk to
Yes I've scrolled through my contacts twice
Not a number exists I can tell the darkness to
Hotlines are impersonal to the fact I'm on the
other side of the line with My future floating
In the tub So here I sit with water waiting under
My eyes I got nothing to lose
Just my life some people think I want the attention
Well I do I'm suicidal
I want someone to break the cold around me to notice
I'm getting slower that I'm fading Going crazy inside
Slowly numbing to all this life inside my heart
What now I'm confused in pain in away that's uncontrollable
Seems like every hour ticks so slow for me
Yes I'm suicidal
You might think I need to cry but I don't know how
I've done it so much I just woke up and forgot  how
So this paper will be dry no tear stains will blemish
My last words these words
I'm suicidal and these are the last words in my living testimony
Of how I've tried to wait it out and I just gotta
Go from it all got nothing to lose except my life


Hi I'm *DEAD

"Leaves Walt's past me  touching upon
water graced with a reflection undisturbed
by my longing  across from mines.
Fated to be separated with a full moon
that Expresses the distance in which we stand.
The night being the only cloak for our forbidden love.
*How I wish at this moment I was a leaf
floating closer toward a face only
compared by the stars behind
it that try to match the beauty that
*surrounds eyes skimming water that is only *
*the beginning of what separates us ,but at
the deep of this river we can be side by side so
let us both sink at the same moment
we saw each other and realized we were unjustly
separated by a pitch black river with a moon resting
above our connection as our feet break the
icy length between us......."