will you love me when you see the true colour of me?
-the ugly side of me?

or

will you ever say that im pretty?
-when i cry?
-when i'm awake at 2am in the morning?

will you stay after all the imperfections, scars, and the pathetic me?
will you?
will you say those words again..?

because i wish for nothing,
all i ever desire and crave for was,
wanting you to stay.
even during my ugly days.

(28th May 14, Wed)
*Ai

it happens again
im left all alone again
im sad again
im.. hurted again
i thought you're going to be here
with me all the time
just like what you've promised

oh my mistake,
you lied
you left
..

i..

(18 March, 0222am)

Died
left hanging.

half of me
died
and gone

i dont know
im not sure

im done

besides, im just a mess
terrible mess
where no one would love me for who i am
(again)
where no one would dare to see the real me
im all tired keeping this inside
not pretending but
trying to be the best
i cant compete, i know i'll lose
and lost myself
that's the worst part

i wish to be lucky
i said that, and not knowing how blessed i am
i wish to be her
i said that so can feel love
but i never knew she has her dark sides too

well, what's the point anyway?
we're going to say goodbye in the end.
we're going to be left in the end
we're going to walk away in the end
letting things go is the point.

*(Ai, March 22)

not a poem but something that have been stuck in my head since four years ago*

High school was never easy.
Even the happiest person said that they have a bad memories in high school.
They get bullied
Some people would said that I should treasure everything that happened in my high school life.
I know. IVE TRIED SO HARD.
But I cant.
Folks in high school are weird.
Not that weird. They're...... 'weird'..
They're full with hatred
-full with negatives vibes
-full with idk why the heck they want to bad things to other people.
For me, I dont know.
I dont enjoy anything
Everything looks so depressing
Full of hate..
I tell you
I've been trying.
And its my fourth year now
Trying to be positive
Trying to understand everyone in the school
But
I think.. This things cant be help no more.

Everytime I walked into my school
My depression level increase to level 99
My loneliness can be felt..so clear
My self-esteem drop like hell

High school even teach me not to trust everyone.
-people always leave no matter what why when or how.

No wonder some people killed themself
-some kid do selfharm
-some students would ditch school
-some people do drugs just to run away from the school probs

Idk is it just me or what

Oh gosh.. I wish I can just scream at them in their face.

I saw you in my sleep

But its different this time
With your clueless eyes, and
I can feel it in your chest, your hopeless heart
That is beating but.. Not sure
You smiled, a plain one.
You then grab my hand
And hold it
And hug me tightly
Like a goodbye
like we're not meant to be together

I still can feel your warmth..
I look at you in the eyes
Waiting for a clue
why
You kissed me and left me clueless
And, you fade away...
And I've never seen you since then

But
Im very sure
I saw you in my sleep
I saw you in my dream

*(Ai Oct 9)

I wish to be in your arm at this hour
In your warmness during these cold nights
In your hugs when Im all insecures
I wish you'd shut me with putting your fingers on my lips.
I wish you'd laugh at my lamest joke.
I wish you'd hug me from the back while I was busy doing stuff.
I wish you and I could cuddle under the blanket. No i mean just cuddle.
I wish you'd wipe away my tears when I cried and kiss me.
'Its okay Im here' just simple as that. You know you can get me.
I wish you're here playing with my hair.
I wish you'd stay.

Most of all
I wish you were mine again

*Ai, Oct 7